ram-de

[ram-de]

sempurna

...itu tidak nyata.

karena bukanlah kodrat di kuasa seorang manusia. kesempurnaan. mentari terbit dan terbenam, malam menyelimuti lalu tak lama pergi kembali. suara angin yang masuk dan keluar, perubahan suhu dari siklus mesin buatan.

nyata, nyata itu berlalu. terbuka, berkata dan berucap, dan tak lama berlalu. seolah waktu, seolah paras, seolah nurani, dan seolah sakti. menjadi perisai dalam mimpi, yang tinggi dan abadi. menjadi pedang dalam mimpi, yang lelap dan buruk berlarut. di tempat dimana pusat berdiri dan jatuh terhempas, adakah nafas yang masih terjalin erat dengan rayuan bumi? masihkah kau berdetak, wahai hati yang tak lelah berpikir dan berdendang? kemanakah lagi kau akan berderap, ke tempat dimana kau berada, berdiri dan berada, bernafas dan berada, terlelap dan berada, terbangun dan berada. nyata. nyata dan berada. sampai hari itu, dan sampai waktu dimana bahkan intisari tak bermakna ini pun menjadi satu dan nyata.

-ram

[ram-de]

[watch] the astronaut lovers

MARCO BERGER'S NEW FILM!!!!!!! and this one is cuter than the others

starting off my 2025 tumblr blog with a gay movie thoughts vomit. yes. this is going so well. (spoilers if anybody reads this, imaginary audience...)

Okay. Okay, first of all, the name Marco Berger has been instilled in my mind as that one director that make slow, minimal dialogue, scenic films. Some have more gaze-y stuff than others, but I think what he excels the most is making the tension so delicate. So believable. TENSION!!!! Some people may find it a bore to watch because it's so slow!! and it seems like there's not much going on (tbf, me too at first but I ended up watching Taekwondo (2016) three times, so yea)

This movie is just almost 2 hours long, and since I'm familiar with Marco Berger's works I already expected it. Right into the gate, we're thrown into our protagonist Pedro having a vacation where he met an old-time crush from his past Maxi. I've seen this premise a lot of times but I ate it up everytime.

First, I love just watching at some random frame during the movie because the composition are so just so cute. Granted I know nothing about movie behind the scenes and all the intricate stuff. There's a lot of scene where you can just feel the tension from Maxi and Pedro just being so close, the centerpiece of the screen even though they're just talking about mundane stuff.

There's much more dialogues. It's so... How do I say it, so common yet also intimate in a way. I feel like intruding them at times!! Most of the times they talked casually, but at times went super direct. I think the Eng sub has a lot of mistakes, but I got the gist of it. I coudln't understand the jokes though, but seeing them chuckle and have this wrinkle around their eyes!!! IT'S SO PURE!!!!!! IM LIVING THROUGH THEM

Other thing I love is how they look like the regular blokes, dressed like someone you'd expect to see on the street... They're not like, all perfectly muscular. They have body hairs here and there. Maxi's posture looks bad at times (like mine LOL) BUT THATS WHAT I LOVEEE its like seeing oh, regular people looks like this when they're falling in love. ;)))

MAXI!! is a flirt. and he's shameless about it. they're always teetering between the lines but frankly Maxi has crossed that line lots of times. I found the cheek-kisses more tender and gentle than the actual kiss on the lips by the end. And how Pedro just plays it off. I was afraid it'll end tragically like most of queer movies (which is a downer) when Pedro told the secret to his cousin that they're pretending. By that point, I think Pedro doesn't put a lot of hope. He knows it's just a summer fling. Maxi could just decided he didn't want to pursue whatever relationship they had. but then he's just lying to himself. pedro is the astronaut, free and roaming over the space. it's just, will maxi want to explore the space as well? i feel like i missed a lot of cheeky astronaut references and metaphors which means i need to watch this again. but by the end??? the reassuring kisses from maxi to pedro's forehead, neck, cheek, AUGH!!!!! WHY DO I EXIST!!!!

one thing i had a bit of a complaint was there's a bit of jokes about poop, why😭 it's inline with their dynamic but i was taken back a bit for that bath scene lol

Thanks for making this a not sad ending :) I wished we could have more clarity for the future of their relationship, since it's just a summer vacation for Pedro, surely. Would they commit over the long distance? What happens?! AHH!!!! The ending is better than Taekwondo, at least. That one ends so... QUICKLY!!!! we went through 2 hours of tension and the payoff is NOT ENOUGH!!! still love you though taekwondo i will watch it later this year

AHH!!!!! i want to kiss someone too WAIT WHO SAID THAT

ok im getting distracted. this movie. 10/10 enjoyment (biased). cute. cute. would watch more of marco berger's movies. this is like a story that works as a movie due to how pretty it was directed. slow but the tension kept rising. believeable actors that looks like your regular people. roam over the space, astronaut lovers!!!:) <3

Ps. PLEASEEE RELEASE THE OST PEDRO IRUSTA IM BEGGINGGG (i looked for the credits for song credits but there's no details about the song name or what only his name, he also did The Blonde One's ost!!)

[ram-de]

here and breathing

and alive and well and writing again. actually, i've been writing somewhere else. i've done journaling on like actual notes, and i also am trying to use notion as well. so... my thoughts are scattered. my horcrux!!! still, i think it's good to update about myself here and there and here and there. this blog... i sure poured a lot of sorrow and melancholy and gloom here.

but here i am. i mean. i still struggle with a lot of same-ish troubles. procrastination. loneliness. but somehow i felt like... it's not always that, you know. there's window for me to look towards this imaginary space i'm locking myself in. there's more to it. i'm feeling hopeful. about lots of thing. i'm comfortable with doing morning runs now. i had a semblance of routine. i feel like i can. i could!! and it's!!! i can believe in myself!!! and there's a lot!!! a lot more that i felt. i hope one day i can look back and be proud of myself.

i feel like at least recently, i'm doing well...!!

[ram-de]

fury

Bestowed upon me was a core, a willing part to roam and try,

Nurtured upon me was a seed, an evergrowing fantasy,

Engraved upon me was a shape, a distant and foreign reflection,

Cry, cry, this carved anguish that turned into stubborn stone,

Until it returns,

Another lap rushing the same race,

The faulty core yearns to rotate and fix,

The stunted seed wills to bloom and reach,

The broken shape ponders to the past and future,

Sorry, sorry, losing meaning each time it was spoken

Until I choke down,

Until I crash and burn,

Until I drown and sorrow,

Another unwritten page blank and cold.

[ram-de]

wrangle

Last night, I dreamt about a lot. Like, snippets. I was awoken often because mosquitos. But, there are several thinf that, I don't know. It made me feel all weird.

Okay. The backdrop, is, somewhere. I guess our family (which is different composition in this case. Older brother (nonexistent), older sister (yea!) and me, and my mother). All of the kids (which are adult aged) are going on a trip soon.

However. My older sister, unbeknownst to her. Have a fiancé? Planning to propose to her. Probably her current husband irl but I don't remember the face.

This nonexistent older brother. It's a mysterious one. He's cheery, typical abang2 jamet, and i think his name is .... I forgot. A... Frmn???? Hrmn??? Not sure. He had this whole mansion. Thing. Or tall apartment. That he's gonna lend to me when he?? Went on a trip with his friend. He's like smile and pampered me for some reason. And when I didn't call him by honorifics (it exists in Indonesian) and goes called him by name only, his friend teased me, am I someone my older brothers age. But my nonexistent older brother didn't mind, he smiled and man. WHAT????

And then. Lastly. A fellow. Man. This is embarrassing. A friend I'm not really close with (because, I never initiate anything), was, I don't know, he asked me to hang out. Go somewhere. Eat together and stuff. When we left my nonexistent older brother apartment, the sky was so beautiful. Morning sunlight peeking out, blue-orange pink sky. I had to take a picture. And then he teased me by appearing in my camera so I took picture of him too.

This is freaking me out.

[ram-de]

admission

oh, how regressed have i become. rather than stagnating, i had dug deep. what's making you so afraid of trying? i'm an adult. i should act like one. but at times, it felt like i don't want to hold myself accountable of what i let myself do or think.

i would rather blame my brain and how i think rather than trying to think of my mind and my body that works as one. why was i doing nothing last day? why did i spend the day laying around on my bed? what am i protecting myself from? damn it. i don't even have a good reason. i did it for so long i forget why. just like many others. forgetting is the cure for every pain. that's not healing or getting better. that's another form of escaping and hiding away.

what else can i do?!? the comfort of tomorrow. the comfort of later. the comfort of letting intentions stay intentions and not a practice of act. but damn, it hold me back! so bad!

i can't fucking write things without meaning it!!! because what else is there for me to believe if i can't do the simplest thing of trusting myself??? to hold my words??? the world isn't only about me!!! so stop worrying!!!! so stop trying to shelter me from everything!!! the pain and the failure!!! the sadness and the hurt!!!! let me process it and let me move on!!!! please!!!!!

[ram-de]

soiled

It was not hunger that I felt, no, I was well fed and sated

It was not anger that I felt, no, I was sat and composed

It was not filth that I felt, no, I was cleaned and maintained

It was not tiresome that I felt, no, I was comforted and well-rested

Yet again, it was sorrow, yes, sorrow that I can't pinpoint what

It was grief, yes, grief for myself that died without I knew it

It was guilt, yes, guilt for letting me float and unfolded

It was loathe, yes, loathe of being alive without proper life

It was everything, yes, everything that I wish I could fix

It was nothing as well, yes, nothing that prying my heart apart

It was eating me from the inside and I don't know when it'd stop

It was creeping up on me and I don't know where to run this time

It was forgetting all the good and I don't know how to take it back

It was winning and I don't know how to fight it back

It was myself that I'm losing

It was me

And now I was who?

-----------------------

This heart is beating

Does this heart wept that it beats for a man that doesn't fight for his life?

This heart is beating

Does this heart know that the man it beats for kept failing at doing what he's supposed to do?

This heart is beating

Does this heart think that it's doing so much for such a waste of a man?

This heart is beating

Does this heart know it grows with the man it beats for?

This heart is beating

And it's beating fast

Because it's what the heart does, wasn't it?

The heart is life, the heart is noble

----------------_------

[ram-de]

lies

lies. it's what i'm built on. what i dedicate my non-days and non-living time. it's what i ended up being. lies. strings of lies that stretches for miles and miles. prolonging every non-decision with another lies. if not lies, then inaction. another excuses. another meddlesome thoughts that hinder me.

lamenting to the void as if anything's gonna change. i kept thinking of doing some big decisions. but then a nagging feeling kept me on the edge. will it eventually change anything, at all? what if it made things worse? what if? what if? a lot of stuff.

i wanna cry but i'm at my parents house and everybody is here, on the ground floor. with my nephews and nieces being loud and playing around. very lively. meanwhile i've thought of them bitterly. i don't, understand me. and it's easier to do soemthing else rather than. doing something about it. i'm a fucking failure, man. i'm so shit at handling my responsibilities. and i'm scared of the future. but i need to graduate. anything else that came after that, came after that. but i need to. progress. even so... why can't i..

[ram-de]

willingness is tangible

and i am feeling it within me right now. the motivation to move forward. to work and to progress. it's so tangible, i've forgotten how it felt or how it's presence took over other things. but i know it's momentary, and i don't know how to extend this willingness. lord, feels like i'm being obtuse writing this, haaaaaaa....

there's a lot i want to convey. a lot i want to write and pour. because unless i'm writing it, i'll eventually forget. i'll forget all the sadness and the sorrow, and i'll also forget all the joy and happiness. i'll remember it once upon a time, and then because of how memory works, each time i'll remember it less and less, until the remaining semblance of memories i have are fragments of how it used to make me feel.

[ram-de]

i am shooting myself

in the foot. metaphorically. i don't know.

i have binge-watched three seasons of survivor. the show is unavailable in my country and it's a hassle to buy vpn and paramount+ and not to mention the currency conversion and all that stuff. and it's a pain watching with such slow speed. either way. i liked survivor a bit too much. i think in my head, maybe i'm thinking, oh, so that's what happens when people are interacting, socializing, scheming, doing, living. it's interesting. it's fun.

i looked for suggestion to which seasons is a-must, etc. etc. and reddit being reddit suggested i started to 1. mind you, there's 46 seasons going on. watching from s1 would be a slog. so fuck that.

season 7, pearl islands is the one i watched first. and my first impression is the charm of the show. i thought i wouldn't like it (since it's an old show, 2003, 4:3, etc.) but i liked it lots. the missions are simple, but the storyline are enchanting. i have people to roots for, twist to look forward, i think the biggest gimmick in this season is the outcast which is exciting, because what is better to root for than the underdogs? also morgan drake lost a lot of challenges early on it was painful to watch lol

season 28, cagayan aka brain vs brawn vs beauty. now here, i got introduced to lot of what would be the show's common features? flicks? stuff like hidden immunity idol, less focused on the survival challenges (compared to 7, i mean. they had to trade with the locals to get early stuff, does a lot more of fishing, less player that knows how the game works). and the premise, oh it's so good. grouping people based on their most distinct traits and have it like kinda influence them a bit. my favorite player would be spencer because he's nerdy cute and just how excited he was to play. his final speech when he was a jury later on, about respecting the game was +++. (he was later revealed to be anti vaccine which kinda disappoints and why i shouldn't look for the players actual life after show lol) i also like chaos kass a bit too much. the entertainment is abundant. i am having lots of fun and joy. deserved win for tony because how can you pull that off?

season 37, david vs goliath. now, this is what's recommended for the 'new era' of survivor. personally i didn't like it as much. the premise was ok. christian was a dork and i like him. the davids cast was ok. the goliaths are exhausting to watch. it felt like watching club of popular rich kids, too much flirting for my liking, it was also the first time i've heard of the term showmances. keep that away from me lol. surprisingly i loved when the tribe swaps. natalie / angelina's tribal council scene was so funny. christian's antics with the dudebros (brochacos), nick naming all his alliances. and alec. alec!! i was rooting for him!!!! i wanted both alec and christian in the final 4 at least so it bummed me so bad when he was eliminated. at that point i wasn't feeling watching the show for the rest of them. christian felt too much like a threat. and when he was eliminated, i don't even felt like continuing. then i've read some discussion post and found out alec won't even be in the final because of some nda stuff. no!!!!! so i haven't watched the final. rip.

i wanted to write about how watching survivor is another distraction and it's running out as well. and how it's a subtle reminder of people with lives and jobs. meanwhile i'm doing nothing just entertaining myself alone in front of the screen for three? four days straight. it's pathetic and miserable. it's turning into a vent blog. damn it. i'm just. i felt like i'm my biggest enemy right now. i'm the biggest hindrance to my own progress and my own future. i don't know if i'm thinking straight. i haven't congratulated my sisters for delivering a baby... i've ignored my mom's messages. i've ignored academics works. this should have be a wake up call, but i don't feel like it. it's so easy for me to ignore everything, God. I'm not making good decisions. yet i don't feel the same guilt i used to have as before. when decisions doesn't feel like it have weights even when it should, how bad when the time comes that i'll break myself until i can't move forward any longer?

[ram-de]

luxury

felt like a hypocrite, writing about how distracted i am and using the acts of writing itself to distract myself. to prolong, prolong and prolong. until lord knows when. it's been months. couple of years. and i'm still the same. all the same.

only i've been losing the sense of guilt. of responsibilities. of determination. even though i have luxury. i have the luxury of time that i waste. even though i have the luxury of accessible net connections. or the luxury of living allowance of my parents. waste it all while i rot.

a lot of luxury. too much. luxury of sleeping peacefully. of having a kind, lenient supervisor. of being trusted. of having a family. of breathing. the luxury of being healthy. of being able to taste food and walk properly. the luxury of sight. of mobility. of thinking. luxury of chances. luxury of freedom and opportunities. luxury of living the day. luxury of making things better. luxury. luxury. everything. but i waste it all. for what? i thought i'm sick. but even i'm getting tired of the same old excuse.

it won't cut it. i'm losing will and i don't know what to do. i don't have the will to try. and i don't know my reason. i'm an adult. damn it. i don't know how to pick myself back up. not being distracted means facing it all. but i'm scared. and i'm getting numb. numb of many, many sensation. numb of fear. numb of awkwardness. numb of joy. i clung onto consumptive hobbies like reading or watching movies or listening to movies. i drown within them. it used to bring me joy. but nowadays even reading feels like a chore. and it made me appreciate other's art less. i hate it. i don't want to feel numb even to the things i used to find happiness at. but lord i don't know. i don't know how to save myself.

i couldn't trust the comforting assurance in my head. i'm weak to it. i'm weak to myself. to myself that was trying to led me away from rejection and failure. to myself that was hiding me from facing reality. to myself that was trying to shield me from everything. to myself that was hiding away. i'm weak. even writing it all seems futile, because i wouldn't reflect. it wouldn't last.

i don't even feel lonely anymore. it's scary. where is the me that is yearning to be better, to make friends? it felt like losing myself. i don't know how to fix it all. i doubt and doubt. hope is a passing feeling, reminded once when i took a shower or when i finished a meal. and then i'm back to distraction. to the life that i don't have.

foolish, writing it as if it's a story. it's not. it's my thoughts. being put into words. somewhere to the net. as if it makes the consequences feel more real now that i've put it out.

[ram-de]

festering

i think i said some stuff i didn't mean last post. something about resentment. i... i don't. at all. annoyed, at times, maybe. but not to the point of resentment. even yearning for acceptance would suit how i felt better, i guess. last week, i wasn't in a really good headspace (when will i be to be fair), i buried like three kittens, while everybody else seems, well, relatively unfazed. they were all sick. worms. we were not good pet caretakers. i only visited my parents home weekly, and even then i couldn't really put all my attention to the felines.

that resentment being i felt angry. angry that others would show pity on me, ask me how the kitten was, even though they were dying. and there's nothing i can do. nothing. it was too late. the vet was closed due to national holidays. and it felt like being bashed to my head. what am i expected to do? watch them one by one dying and then bury them myself? it was painful the first time around. it was painful the second time around. it was painful the third time around. and i was too selfish to even allow myself to had a fourth time so i left that day. i'm a coward. irresponsible. but it was too much.

and in retrospect... all of this wouldn't happen if i communicate properly. "i'm grieving, please don't ask me." or "i can't bury them again". it was irresponsible. and selfish. i know. i know. if only we were better at taking care of living beings, it wouldn't happen in the first place.

man. fuck me. i'm guilty of it, i know. but hearing to the cats whimpering, and imagining how cold they are, how hungry they are yet they couldn't digest and kept vomiting, how helpless. when merely days ago they were playing around. it was too much. i'm selfish.

[ram-de]

broken radio

how many times am i gonna keep spouting the same old, same old, i wonder. i put a lot of important to-dos on the back of my head, piling up, i shove all the worries and responsible sadness under my bed, so that i can sleep on it and start a new day fresh.

fresh, with no burden. with no goal or purpose. just doing the day as if everyone wasn't growing and moving forward. the earth may seem like it's doing the same routing of orbiting the sun for light and greeting the night for rest, but even so it's ever-moving to propel life that it contains. one of those which is stagnant and unchanging.

i'm losing any sense of urgency, and at this point i'm an expert at telling myself that everything is okay. being alone is okay, because i can always manage it one way or another. unable to meet my goal today is okay, because there's always tomorrow. not yet graduating this year is okay, because everyone is understanding and i'm struggling with troubles i don't even have the name of.

i keep attributing my flaw and mistakes to situation, diagnosing myself with traits i couldn't even confirm, clinging onto such, feeling faux solidarity with millions of those who felt the same around the world through the net, and yet that doesn't change the fact that i'm still alone. alone. alone. and it's not going to change because i kept myself shut off. shut myself off. shut my efforts off. shut my hopes off. shut everything around me. shutting myself down. shut.

fuck reflecting on myself. it does wonders. i'm too fucking prideful to ask for help. just what could i do? go out? i have some issues with self-image. with purpose. even my own principle. i want to be faithful to faith, but i stray away a lot. i want to accept myself, but i can't never be anything. i'm a fucking adult, i should act like one, damn it. adult have problems, and it's fucking lonely shouldering it all on my own.

i can't tell my family i'm gay because they're religious and i've heard how my mom attends sermons about queer people, i've heard my dad listens to an online video about how gay people should beheaded, i've seen my lil bro with a book about how queer people are a plague, said book given by my sister, and another sister... i don't know, actually. the thing is they love me, and i feel that warmth. i just wonder if love is conditional and they wouldn't like me as much if they knew.

why is that a problem, anyway? i've accepted that i won't ever marry or date. so by proxy i shouldn't have to come out either way. isn't that kind of depressing? what else do i have in the future, then? my direction of life which i'm already messing up at the current point. i guess it's just, it's a looming thing over my head. i never knew when i'd have to face it. because keeping it to myself seems suffocating. but they're all that i have. i'd be devastated. but also i'm distancing myself to family, because of what? i fucking hate it that i'm building resentment because they couldn't accept queer people. even though i'm not in a community or anything, i felt like i was a part of it, so i got hurt of it.

i'm building resentment. that's a new thing, i think. that's a bad thing, also. but this resentment is misguided. it's not something i should actually guide to anything. i'm frustrated, at times. it's so easy to pour emotions like these at times, but it's also a bother. it's painful to be reminded of my failure and inabilities to face life heads on.

there's also the issue of appearance. i said that it couldn't be helped if my head deteriorate, but i felt bothered by it either way. it's messing up with me. even though i don't even go out a lot to meet people. it's just.

there's also the issue of social skills. it sucks. and i never knew or learned how to. pandemic. avoidance issues. anxiety. self-validation that i'm human to have that, and that it's okay to feel that, but i forgot to push myself to learn and face it all the same. i wasn't used to... try and experience and fail. i coddle myself a lot, as if other people didn't put the work to be social. sure, some is better at others but it's a skill. it's a learned thing. and i'm a fucking adult struggling with small talk and friendship. how fucked up am i for the future?

there's the issue of commitment. there's the issue of careers. there's the issue of envy and jealousy. there's the issue of distraction as a coping mechanism... fuck! i talk a lot about issue. it's piling up. it's too much. i talk as if i knew things. i talk like i am psychoanalyzing myself. i don't know shit! i don't know anything! so what else can i do?! why can't i get myself to just work on it and fix myself up?!?!?! broken stuff get fixed! even perfectly fine stuff have maintenance service sometimes! it doesn't matter, fucking do something. anything.

------

did you notice that it's been almost exactly a month before my last post? and the post before that? FUCKING HELL. it's a pattern! it's a pattern that you should notice by now! WORK ON SOMETHING, i beg.

[ram-de]

what else do you seek for?

i feel like puking. doing. it's the same everyday. it's the same everyday. it's the same everyday. the same routine, the same kind of food, the same kind of sin and the same kind of reluctance. the same kind of "tomorrows", the same kind of "it's okay", the same kind of stagnancy. the same kind of regrets and the same kind of ignorance.

it's too much and it's too little at the same time. it's confusing me but yet it's not surprising at this point. everything. everything seems so mundane and seems so distant. too far to reach, too far to see, too far to believe. i don't believe. i don't even know what i'm clinging to. i don't know what is my lifeline is. i don't know what i'm doing with myself.

i'm not even scared. because i deserve whatever consequences i would face. it's worthless to think of the future because i'm messing it up as of now. because i can't do salvation. because i don't do fixing up.

words are useless. words are meaningless. they're just letters on paper. they're just letters on the screen. they're just things my mind made up to make myself feel better. words are powerless without an ounce of beliefs. without an ounce of trust. without an ounce of will. words are simply, simply just ideas that poured.

how long since you cried? too long. it doesn't even have an impact on actual reflection. they're just wept of someone who doesn't know what else to do. a cries to the void. tears that worth absolutely nothing for the future.

how long since you felt fulfilled? too long. you let yourself see hope. feel the hope. but you wouldn't cling to it. you wouldn't let yourself climb onto whatever hope is presenting you up there. because you don't believe. you don't trust. you're just. what are you? what am i?

what the hell am i seeking for in this life?

i want to. i want to.

ha! who am i even trying to impress? don't fucking lie to your own self. you don't even know what you want to. and that's so miserable. you don't know and yet you don't try to seek. you don't try to heal. you don't allow for ideas. you don't allow for reflection. you try to reflect, writing what's wrong but you. don't. even. think of fixing it. you just let those words rust and corroded by time. by your own lack of care. by your own ignorance of neglecting those words of reflections. you shed all the tears, of wishing to be better, but once that tears made a puddle, you don't bother weeping it up. you let it dry until the next time you had to cry again.

what. what am i?

what am i doing?

what am i seeking for?

who am i.

who.

i''m not having an existantial crisis or anything. it's nothing like that. it's just. i'm so angry with myself, but at the same time i'm just whatever. it's so fucking frustating being on this point again and again and again and again. and the some times my fucking brains took pity on me and began reminding me of how miserable i am. how i am lacking in friends and probably going to have trouble making friends and being a good friend and would die alone. and then i cry and forget and distract myself. and then my mind would remind me of how i kept neglecting responsibilities. and then i would cry and do nothing about it. or my mind would remind me of how i have nothing. of how i kept messing things up. of how i'm not doing anything. while the world rotates and revolves, while the sun was beaming light and warmth, while the birds are chirping and while the people are busy polluting the air with cars and motorcycles. life just passes for everyone else, with them making new friends and keeping old ones, some married and other graduates, some made families and other climbing corporates, some do competitions and other pursue their passion. some just hang out and feeling life and others seeking purpose. through religion. through ideology. through politics. through family. through hobbies. through pets and companions. through friendship and through romance. through their own body.

while i'm doing fuck nothing. while i'm rotting away. while i'm fading away. while i'm forgetting myself. while i'm losing myself. in self-pity. in my fragility.

i want to shout. i want to scream and i want to break things. i want to fucking do one thing right. i want to finish an assignment. i want to maybe draw. i want to learn languages. i want to go abroad. i want to made friends. lots of friends. i want to be confident in my body. i want to connect with people and upload photos. i want to read lots of books. i want to kiss someone. i want to have a place i belong to. maybe live on my own and have pets. i want to walk in the morning and feel ok. i want to jogging and light sports. i want to graduate. i want to have a job. i want to fucking live.

and it's just so. this is a cry for help! for my own self. because i've wrote these kind of writings, vents, many numerous times before. but i don't learn! i don't learn a single damned thing! i don't. i don't know! i couldn't even believe i could change. it's in my capacity to mess things up and to return to the same old routine. and it's. it's... i don't know how to convince myself that i could do it. i could. because my own voice. it's not... i could only do much. because when the repeating thoughts of failure and damnation is also occupying my thoughts that tries to cling onto that hope, it's difficult to... believe. but fuck it all! maybe i'm just projecting. maybe it's the books i read to distract myself that affected my thoughts. maybe i don't even feel like this. maybe i'm just dramatizing for this writing posts. i don't fucking know.

i wanted to see myself...

[ram-de]

peruse, the nonexistent savior

you spoke loudly of dreams and wonders yet acts without any burden in his back you wouldn't deceive others for bad happenstances yet let it happens to your own living states

you make up all those unpleasant rules of your own be dictated by how you see and perceive the world you restrict your own mind, soul and body be stripped of the wonderful push from struggle and hope

you fell into the circle of devil that you oh-so scared of repulsed by how easy it is to be lied upon and sleep you crave for joy and happiness all those times refused to process all the sorrow and move forward

you, you, you it's always been you you, you, you it's always been me

all these words that i've written, poured my bad clouds within all these emotions that i've sang, shy of being heard all these time that i've spend and wasted, unchanged all these regrets that i've yet to lament and repent

what meaning does it gave? what meaning do i have? what meaning do life asks? what the heck is even this 'meaning' that i've said? is meaning what i've been yearning for all this time? or was it the comfort of myself that i've nurtured?

this space, this secret yet safe space of mine where i vent, where i cry, where i scream of anger through delicate words, this space is an illusion of everything being okay

i'm not okay

i'm wound and scared shitless of actually facing myself i'm ugly and will continue to be uglier but that's not the point, save me it's how i pretend to be blind when faced around consequences of everything that i chose to be, or haven't chosen actively of everything that i allowed myself to be of every notions, every challenging thoughts i let pass and die of every aggression that i hide beneath tears and cries of every dreams that i buried within can't and won't of everything that i came to be of myself

what now?

what will happen?

how will anything happen?

save me, peruse

[ram-de]

filth that lament wouldn't ever cleanse

isn't it time for me to take responsibility, self? listen to me. it's been far too long, it's been far too much of hesitation and procrastination that i forgot why i arrived at this state. a state of filth. murky and dirty.

i kept clinging to reasons such as mental health. i kept clinging to reasons such as sorrow and sadness. i kept clinging to reasons, no, not reasons. excuses. excuses are warm and comforting. it's sound telling me i'm going to be alright. it's blanket shrouding me in dozy naps. it's food whenever i am at the edge of the cliff. excuses saved me. but how long until i grew out of it?

whenever i didn't focus on the problem, it's easy. it's light, but when i put myself sitting to think about consequences, the future, the present and the past, i get sad. sadness engulf me. i lament and lament. i cry and cry. i wept and wish everything is better. that life would be better. excuses are devious. because i believed that. just a snap of moments for me to believe, and there i was again. drowning. in false comfort.

but for that moment? it's life. because i'm not suffocating and i could pretend i'm okay. everything is okay. everything is going to be okay. well, of course, until it wasn't. and i had to look up ways to make myself feel better.

i don't want to see the future. because it felt like bleak. i still couldn't come to terms with my body changing. confidence just tearing me apart because it wasn't there. after all, what will i be? i can't fucking talk to save my life. a nuisance. a burden. a no-good for life.

it's funny, because even those insult doesn't feel like the truth. not lies either. it just feels like some decorations to make this entry, this writing, seemed more dramatic more than it was. it doesn't hurt me like it used to. it just words i know doesn't carry the weight of truth. i can talk, not enough to make friends, sure, and i would sweat and worry about whether i'm talking alright or not, but i can talk to people just fine. i'm not a nuisance, because i kept things to myself most of the time. i guess i could be a burden, after all, i'm still dependent. and i know for sure there's some good that i did to warrant me a life, whether it happened yet or not. i don't know. it's just word i felt right to use for the moment. it doesn't hurt me, but knowing it's not truth doesn't lighten me up either. it's just there. word. all of this too, words. detached from how i actually feel.

without distraction. i feel indifferent to most of things. unless the anxiety choke me out, it's just, happening. life is happening and i am not doing anything about it. i'm collecting dust, and i'm growing tired of filth. i am filth.

what else is there to write? i want to feel guilty again. guilty enough for me to move forward, away from this state of filth. i want to feel lonely again. lonely enough for me to be desperate and try reaching out ways for me to connect with people. i want to feel losing again. losing just enough so that i don't take what i have right now by granted.

how can i...? how can i move forward? how can i live properly? how can i tell myself that i'm going to be fine, but also tell myself that i won't be fine if i'm not doing anything to my life? how can i regret and learn? how can i wept and try again?

i don't even want to die. so why can't i just cling onto life like people do? life isn't worthless. life isn't meaningless. life is everything, so why can't i cherish the one life that i had? the one life i have been granted? the one life i had been entrusted?

whenever i felt down enough to write, i always ended up thinking of how my body worked hard to keep me healthy and lively. how my heart pumps blood so many times in a minute. how my eyes worked hard to see and read, and how i paid it no care to how little i sleep. how my bloods flow all over my body to distribute nutrition and to keep me warm. how my limbs moved me to places. how my ears let me listen to the music that i adore. how much of many, different collective effort does it take just to push me to live? and it's a shame i only remembers it when i'm sad. because regardless of whether i am sad or not, this body, a part of me, lived still. and wouldn't the least that i could do is to not take how much they worked for granted?

but i can't even promise myself not to be in this state again. at some point, it just feels like some filth couldn't be cleansed by water alone. atonement couldn't be formed by regret alone. what am i missing, hey?

[ram-de]

yule

This is such a whiplash from the depressing ass vent post. but man I was so awkward with my sister's husband (aka bro in law). It was just💀 I know it's because generally I'm awkward with everyone I haven't know, I can comfortably talk without stuttering with my family for example. And for people I meet often (classmate) it's easier. It's just... He's really chill and I don't know how to bounce back the energy...

Like I should just die from the embarassment alone💀 not really of course it's a figure of speech. I was like... Wtf do I talk. I guess on the surface it's because I didn't want to be seen as lame or boring which, in a cruel nature of my life, makes me exactly lame or boring. Why? Because I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Or I'm just overthinking everything. I don't know.

I know we shared some common interest (because my sister told me few of it) but damn I suck at this whole social thing I should die... Not rly ofc but like. Just suck it up and be cringe and free rather than pretending I'm not and lamenting over it. Have some shame!

Anyway. It happened like five minutes ago and time passes and now I'm going to let it pass. Until the next cringe encounters!

fuck j can't delete the image in the mobile app... I'll delete it next time ..