rantics

[rantics]

I think this is the first time I'm allowing myself to be angry against the person who traumatized me

Instead of skipping over that stage, feeling it haunts me

All because I thought I had to be the bigger person and just act stoic

That anger was dangerous

And it is

So that's why I'm allowing myself to feel it instead of suppressing it

[rantics]

If I didn't have any strings attached to this world I would kill myself

Perhaps as a way of, see? See what you all made me do?

Hoping my death would smear their names. Hoping I could haunt them as a ghost for the rest of their lives.

Or even as, you know what, I give up, you've won, YOU'VE WON!!!

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, MY DEATH?!

Or as a way to free myself

You're not hunting me anymore, I will not suffer because of you any longer, you won't be able to use and abuse me ever again!!!

EVER AGAIN!!!

I want to laugh

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I hate myself at the end of the day

Trapped with all this pain and guilt, while you get to live without a care in the world

Karma doesn't exist

There's no such thing as justice

Just carrying on.

[rantics]

I became enraged when I saw the people who have hurt me before

Their profiles triggered something, even though I could've sworn I was okay with them existing.

But perhaps it's because I found him and believed in him, only to realize he was like the rest.

Yes. I've only now realized.

He was yet another abuser.

Someone who at the end of the day didn't care about how I felt. Not if it meant for him to change or accept he was wrong.

But the realization that he was yet another horrible person has made me furious and melancholic.

Why

JUST FUCKING WHY

I gave all of you everything I could

Every ounce of my being

And yet, you continued harming me. In both subtle ways, and in horrifying openers without remorse

Played me like a fiddle, a stupid fucking puppet.

I'M SO DONE

JUST STOP HAUNTING ME, STOP STOP STOP STOP

I WANT TO KILL YOU ALL FOR HARMING ME, I'M DONE BEING NICE, I'M DONE WITHSTANDING JUST FOR THE SAKE OF BEING A GOOD PERSON, I'M SO DONE WITH BELIEVING, FUCK OFF, FUCK ALL OF YOU, I WANT TO ASPHYXIATE AND KILL YOU, I WANT TO TRAUMATIZE AND TORTURE YOU

CAN YOU FEEL THAT PAIN???

CAN YOU FEEL IT OVER AND OVER?

[rantics]

Ah...

I guess it comes with the field

Things, money come and go

But I'm pretty bummed out about the fact that I've been working so hard lately, grinding for my fans, my wrist aching as well as my stomach, and people just unsubscribe...

I get it, it's your money and I'm sorry if the service I provide doesn't meet your expectations

But I'm doing my best, my very best to deliver something

I also had a major breakdown on Monday. And again, that's not anyone's (but that man's) fault, so that's why I pushed myself regardless.

It's just... I have stuff to pay for, I want to make my family proud, I want to give nice stuff to my friends, and be independent. I want to work on something truly appreciated.

I hope I can become faster and faster each time, and better. Or even slower but the quality increases exponentially.

And then more people will come...

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It is kind of funny isn't it? You dragged me along looking for redemption for problems you created yourself, and you were cruel by telling me how my motivations/intentions didn't matter and how my love wasn't real at all.

But now that you receive an ounce of that pain, you crumble. For a month or so that you've sustained it.

I've been doing that for years. Swallowing up my pride to make your life better, accommodate to the best of my abilities, believing in you, seeing your beauty, believing in your fucking future.

I don't regret it because it is what I believed the most, despite you saying otherwise. But as a self fulfilling prophecy, you made that real. All the love I had for you, all the hope and all my will was gone.

And towards that, the first thing you had to say was how I would leave this relationship with everything, leaving you with nothing and how I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you.

Want another one?

How I suggested options to stay together and make me change, but you denied them all because they were a burden. And the only option you had a mild hope for was PAVLOV CONDITIONING. AS A DOG. A FUCKING DOG. And what was the crime? Wanting fucking boba and corn dogs with your mom. Blimey! The selfishness, the audacity of me, right?!

Another one:

Working late, sleeping 4 hours until I finished and my tablet fell on my face. Then streaming for you, for hours, while my stomach was in pain and I was left to care for my dog. What did you do? You said it was too interrupted, so much it didn't really count. And when I said I loved you, over and over, knowing you heard all of them? Never answered. Never said it back despite what I did.

Wow another one!

How you got so mad about me going to the restroom to do my necessities before initiating intercourse, and then got absolutely mad because your fantasy didn't become true. And stayed mad, ignored every advance and option I gave, making me feel like an ugly and spoiled piece of meat until you forgot and then initiated something as if nothing ever happened. Oh wow, sorry for wanting to pee!

And also:

Told me how it was so selfish of me to want to go to my graduation party, how it was a desire born from wanting to be like the rest. Congratulations! You gaslit me so hard I lost that milestone! (The fault is on me, from believing you)

Combo!

How when I received a prize for, ehem, MY EFFORTS ALONGSIDE MY TEAM, you never congratulated me, you never celebrated, you just fucking left without a word and I had to chase you. And then everything was about you sulking about not getting everything despite your efforts (which I'll admit, were a lot, and I'll admit, it was terribly unfair). But oh, you know what? Take it on me pal, make this about you, make me admit those prizes are stupid, rigged and have no importance at the cost of my own achievement. Yeah, no worries.

Sweet!

How because I started answering a study guide quiz ahead of you, all hell broke loose because how dare I answer ONE QUESTION before you did. And you didn't want to solve it on your own, or continue still, or me giving you those answers, nothing was working. All while reminding me punctually how time was passing and how we weren't studying because of me. It drove me to the point of desperation and insanity that I hurt myself the last time you reminded me of the time. And what did you do when I said sorry, sorry sorry sorry, crumbled on the floor crying so mad about myself? You hung up. You left me there after sighing so fed up with me. And you know what I did while you slept? I solved your quizzes, didn't sleep or study until they got done.

Wow!

How I absolutely had to look for a way to solve the terrible pain associated with you... Not having your PC for a few months. Does that suck? Well yes, it does. But do you want to know what sucks even more? Giving you options after options after options of what the fuck we could do without that, and you becoming enraged with me for not giving you a solution that worked, refusing to talk to me, and when I was worried about you and asked, you told me how I didn't deserve to know if you were alive or not. Whoops! Silly me for worrying I guess!

Great!

When I let a girl into my dorm room because uhm, I was helping her with a pregnancy test when she barely knew anything about that? Oh sorry, I guess we should've seen that in front of everyone, right? Yeah, lil dumb me, because after that you started saying that now everyone would enter my room, men, women, it didn't matter, it was no longer sacred or private in any sense, all because we agreed on not letting anyone inside... No room for exceptions, nope. Unless it was about you wanting to fuck, or wanting to play or eat in privacy only a month after. Hmmm yeah. Silly, silly me.

Last one (not because there aren't more instances, just that I'm losing my mind and these are one of the most notorious ones, you know?, to really drive the point home.)

When my family DARED to go on a holiday without you. When it was something they planned and I had to go (and well, I did want to actually!), but it was my responsibility to fix it and make up for the time that would be lost during those weeks even though I never planned it or had control over it. What did I do, in despair? Oh, I tried hanging myself actually. Didn't work, but I remember the fucking bruise it left. But despite that, I was willing to record ASMR for you, for each day I was gone, 30 min EACH, because that's what you said that was enough. And when I asked you about the things I would say in those, you said you never put attention to them. Still, obviously that wasn't enough right? When I failed to arrange a vacation just for us both, you sulked, and God forbid I mentioned it to you once because you would remind me harshly how you couldn't go (yes you did this).

You are probably never going to read this, ever. But before you try to spin it around me, I know, I fucking KNOW these things happened and their results. I fucking remember the pain, despair and anguish I felt. The visible scars and bruises from my self harm.

Now, am I blaming you entirely for those self harm behaviors? No, those are my actions, my issues and tendencies. But you knew about them, how to trigger them, and still did.

But huh. I'll tell you something. You said how I never grew, you said it just yesterday.

But my self harm became less and less frequent even though your requests got more and more outrageous. I still wanted to kill and punish myself, but I controlled it way better.

And wow, guess what? The urge to do that appeared once this month, ONCE (not triggered by you). And I didn't follow through.

So scavenge through your mind. Remember why the fuck am I so done with you. Use your oh so mighty and more intelligent brain to know that.

As for me, I'll read this every time the mere ounce of guilt from "giving up on you" and leaving you passes through. And perhaps I'll add more when I think about them, making this list grow further!

I am so exhausted in every sense of the word.

[rantics]

Be a good man for yourself God damnit.

You say I gave mixed signals, but I clearly stated, I expect nothing from you, I don't want anything from you.

Then I don't FUCKING know if that was in Chinese or what but that means I don't want to go back to you, right, RIGHT? And before I said quite literally, "THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO".

You said it yourself, you clung to that hope.

And if anything, you don't get to call the shots here. But somehow you couldn't grasp your situation and thought yet again you were in control.

I'll be honest, I damn myself for not reading that on time. But I damn you further for changing your mind and making the other message seem so disingenuous. Maybe it was a blessing to read that later, before I talked to you and before you twisted everything again and again.

You know the hope I clung onto? That you would change. Not for me, that ship sailed.

For your family. For your future. For YOURSELF.

That you could finally become happy with who you are, one day, even if it took a while. If we talked or not, time would've told us, but the fucking first steps you were taking seemed pretty good. Yesterday I really believed you started to change.

And before you say I did I fucking changed, no you didn't. First of all, change doesn't happen that quickly and you fucking know it. How many times did you chastise me for not changing, huh? Because you know one can't wake up one day being reborn, it's a process.

Which brings me back to when I thought you were really starting that process. I said wow, despite what everyone believed, you have indeed taken the first steps, FOR YOURSELF.

But now you tell me you had hope of us being together? And blame me again? And tell me I'm not myself anymore?

Well, yes, if I was still the same I was before I would still be exploited by you, still hope for any breadcrumb of love and be driven to insanity until I collapsed or killed myself. Don't fucking dare you lecture ne about growth.

Am I perfect? No. Is my family perfect now despite what they've done to me? No. Is the world magically a better place with good people? No!

But you know what I have? Myself. I may suffer from betrayal, from losses, from broken dreams and an uncertain future. However, I will still stand. I still have a drive and passion for life. Proof of that is my art, and any expression of myself you couldn't take. Every ounce of my personality that shined through against depersonalization. And my future, over which I can act to direct my path.

I'm not the same blind person I used to be and you know it. And I'll admit, I have to thank you for that, whether your intentions were genuine or just an attempt to keep me all for yourself only.

But now I'm no longer blind to you and your tactics. And fortunately, I thank my mind for remembering the pain you caused me. Again, perhaps not every single one of the occasions you twisted reality and chastised me, but enough to know how trapped and exhausted I was.

And to know and assure you, NEVER AGAIN.

NEVER AGAIN WILL I SUFFER LIKE THIS, BECAUSE OF YOU OR BECAUSE OF ANYONE.

[rantics]

You still believe everything is centered about you? That every single one of my actions was directed to hurt you, engineered to the utmost detail to make you suffer?

No

No fucking damn it, what if I felt heartache and listened to a fucking song. What if I wanted to experiment with make up? What if I was just happy below the tree and took a photo?

WHAT IF I'M JUST EXISTING AND LOOKING FOR WAYS TO CLAIM MY OWN BEING

What if I just fucking upload a state about self improvement because I really believe in it and it looks funny?

CAN'T I MOVE A BIT, BREATHE AND EXIST?

I still have to ask for permission for everything, don't I? DON'T I?

[rantics]

I don't have to be bulimic to lose weight. Anxiety makes me so sick I want to throw up and expel everything I ingest through my rear.

I feel horrible

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Compass Compass Compass I'm in the dead zone

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I don't know

[rantics]

Leave my mind... Please

I don't know I didn't know I just wanted to find myself again and heal I was starting to feel so happy

Why

WHY

You just had to leave it... Please you just had to leave it like that, I would've been willing to talk

Or maybe if I'd just seen it on time, if I had been more attentive, just taking a peak, an ounce of attention for all the years spent. Maybe I fucked up and caused that.

Or maybe I'm falling for those patterns again, feeling so guilty over his every action and every time he feels angry

I'm scared I don't know I don't want to fall again but maybe all I needed was to be decent I don't know

I know I shouldn't engage, I know how they are, tempting you and willing to devour every bit of your emotions at every chance they get.

I'm tired not only physically

I'm sorry

I'm furious

I hate you

I'm sorry

I'm broken

I'm

Not

Yours

[rantics]

I imagined the end of capitalism before the end of us

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STOP STOP STOP

I need to remind myself

Please I need to remind myself

Face the truth

It's going to hurt

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STOP

STOP REMINDING ME

THOSE GOOD TIMES, THEY COSTED EVERYTHING FROM ME

I COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE

I SWEAR I COULDN'T

[rantics]

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

I hate your programming

I hate your fucking smile

I hate your love

I hate you

GO AWAY

LEAVE MY FUCKING MIND

[rantics]

Fuck fuck fuck it truly feels like an addiction

At times, my mind is set up. So set up in fact I don't give a fuck about anything and especially him.

And then, this time comes and I feel like absolute shit. Anxious, depressed, desperate.

Just now I have the thought to turn back time or everything back, just call him again, just tell him I'm so sorry and everyone is a fool.

Fuck fuck fuck

I can't do that, I can't