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please stop messaging anthony i am in hospital i cant deal with thisanbi dont use this. just stop

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(by saralatif)

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by Michael Kight

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†

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Timothy Adam Matthews

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My brain feels awful where's the pic of the bedraggled cat waking up from sleeping under the weighted blanket

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I am a fat mess

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I am at my aunt's house but it feels like im just annoying her and she doesnt want me to be here and she is annoyed and angry about my weight, but i cant fix it easily and i cant tell her. I have barely spoken since she brought me here the other day i cant talk . I feel like I am having a breakdown. I havent done anything since i got here either i feel like i cant cope or function i cant tell her any of it even if i could bring myself to speak i cant tell her any of that andshe just thinks oh he was mean to me or something and she is just annoyed. She said she is going to put me in hospital if i cant get it together but i cant and i dont want to be hospitalised i just want to live on my own i just want to be on my own but not in hospital. I am so alone i miss my mum i dont wanna do this anymore. And i am so stupid i dont even know how i can live on my own again. and it was so messy it was so bad and he is still contacting me and he said i juet wanted to visit her and wants me to go back and hes telling me to answer him i can showbyou the texts if someone can help me what to do

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Took my dog backpacking last week. She mostly just took naps. (Source: http://ift.tt/2sK7WbX)

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maybe i’m just projecting but i think there’s an inherent loneliness in living with a severe mental illness that makes you feel permanently estranged from others and long for the kind of connection where you feel completely understood and accepted, all while knowing other people have their own stuff to deal with or are just not equipped to ride out the worst of the illness with you. this leads to downplaying and/or hiding your symptoms as best you can, which takes even more of a psychological toll on you. this leads to not feeling loved as a complete person, and maybe not recognizing that love when it is present, or always fearing the day people have had enough and leave. even more so if this has already happened to you. it’s so exhausting and sad

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wanting time to pass because life is hard to deal with at the time vs the never ending anxiety over the passage of time

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Hey, hope you're doing okay. Been kinda worried that when I said something about wishing I could find the shit he'd been posting that you'd think it was for creepy reasons, I forget it's a lot harder to not sound like a weirdo on anon but frankly even the stuff showing up in your 'blogs like this one' thing makes me nauseous, I just. Honestly want him to fucking pay for what he's done because he doesn't deserve a normal life after this. When this shit's over and it's safe to do so I'd happily come off anon, not one to force my friendship on someone but just like, if you ever needed someone to talk to as it guts me to feel like the only one who gives a shit and I don't even know you. Really regret I didn't do that back in like 2017 or whenever when I first wanted to say hi, less because I actually think I'd be a good friend and more just because if nothing else I would've done anything I could to not let someone I knew get in a situation this fucking sickening. Thinking of you and hoping you're safe as always.

hi, sorry i took so long to reply. Theres just been a lot going on but im ok as in im still like alive but im not doing that great honestly.Im sorry, I didnt think any of your messages had been weird at all. I really appreciate it and I know ur a nice person thank you.I dont know im just a bit all over the place. I dont want you to feel like you have to talk to me or anything but I would appreciate someone to talk to sometimes. Im kind of bad at talking Idk ive never really had many really good friends.

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@ anon. im sorry i did get your last message thank you, I just forgot to reply. I havent been doing too good tbh really depressed and i havent been doing anything. Just talking to my therapist on the phone. My aunt says she would let me stay with her for a bit but she doesnt want to come and get me and i have felt so horrible the past while i just havent been trying to care about myself at all and and havent been doing anything to open my eyes feels like too much. i just dont really know what to do. And again i dont have appropriate clothes to wear. Thanks for your latest message too

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i dont know what to do

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I found this account through a comment from April 10th that was left on an immobility kink post. I know you can't track comments you've left on posts unless you get a response to them, so I can send a screenshot/link the post if you need, but it reads (sorry in advance) "My boyfriend is making me as big as he can make me. he loves me and my fat so much and I love him and growing for him. He has grown me to 425lbs as of yesterday and we arent going to stop until I'm the biggest swollen pig!!!😍." Horrified, hoping this message arrives safely, and wishing you well.

oh thats embarrassing.thank you though. what happened was He wanted me to make posts on here trying to make me get involved in the community more or get me to talk to other people who are being fattened up so ican feel better about it. Im already heavier nowand i probably will get fatter. i made excuses about posting then i eventually just went on search, found random posts to let him tell me what he wants me to say or let him post on cause he doesn't understand how tumblr works. so theres probably loads of things like that and i obviously can't delete them but i just didnt want him writing things on my blog

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Hey, no, it's okay, this is a fucking nightmare and you have EVERY right to feel the way you do! If it helps at all, I truly don't think anyone would believe him over you but I completely understand the fear, it might be something to fall back on if stuff doesn't work out with your aunt and you don't have another option but hoping maybe she can get you a taxi or something/think of a way to get you to her safely if it does all go to plan. At any rate I'm so glad you're going ahead and contacting her as this absolutely CANNOT go on. You're an adult, you don't fucking need to be 'in trouble' or 'not allowed' to do stuff. What he does to you IS rape, consent is being able to say no at any time and not suffer any consequences for it. Just because he doesn't outright beat you (thank fuck, that might give you a tiny bit of wiggle-room in refusing stuff if he has some limit in what he'll do) doesn't make any of it less fucked up and insane and wrong and I can't wait until you get out and force him to experience some consequences for once. Best of luck ❤️

I just hate that im getting rped again i cant believe it's happening again. i feel like something bad is gonna happen to me i already feel all the progress i made in dealing with that shit just slipping away. If i get a taxi it's going to be so expensive I havent got any money and I dont even know how I'll ever be able to just leave anyway I would have to try to do it when he goes to work or something. ugh this is so stressful for me it feels like my head is gonna explode. I feel so useless and im so scared it makes me literally shake. It just feels like my whole life is ruined and over. He told me what i weigh yesterday and i am putting on weight which isnt surprising. Anyway Thank you so much for ur support I really do appreciate it so much. i did text her but i havent got any response at all yet but i hope it goes well too. Sorry im so shit at typing sometimes when i feel like this.

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Fuck, that's just heartbreaking, I'm so so sorry, I hope he isn't drugging you or some shit as the delirious thing doesn't sound normal but I guess it could be a psychological thing, I dunno. This whole thing is sickening, and yeah definitely delete anything you're uncomfortable talking about if you need, I don't trust anyone from 'that' community to not be a fucking freak about it if they're around. Really hope you can get out not 'sometime' not 'idk within the next few months' but literally ASAP, if you have therapy before then DEFINITELY tell her about what he plans to do if you can, I know it must feel horrible but it only makes him sound more like a complete fucking maniac and makes it clear that the sooner you're out of there the better. But I'm glad I can help a little, just know you're not crazy or overreacting when some random dude who's never spoken to you is this deeply disturbed by the whole thing and hoping to god you can get out of there before that piece of shit gets his way. Hell, I have my issues with cops and doctors and if I were you I'd still be calling emergency services by this point because this is nothing but some of the most disgusting domestic abuse to anyone with half a brain. You deserve freedom. Never forget that.

Also I know it's difficult and he's trying to fucking brainwash you into believing backing out isn't an option or some shit, but if that's all he does and if he can't/doesn't beat, rape (while you're awake at least) or physically restrain you you will ALWAYS have the right and ability to say no, to refuse 'punishment', to refuse feeding, to refuse weighing, to pull out or puke up anything he's put in you and say in blatant terms 'no, fuck you, I don't consent, everything you do from this point is non-consensual, this is too much and I don't want to play your fucked up little game any more', no matter how much he makes it seem like that's not an option. And if you aren't physically safe, then that's all the more reason to fight like hell with your therapist and aunt to get out immediately. Of course it's never your fault if you can't stand up to him, the guy seems like an absolute maniac and I'm assuming you don't even have a safeword for this shit, but if the worst he can do in a situation is be disappointed in you it is NOT the end of the world. He deserves absolutely fucking nothing for his birthday.

I dont know if hes drugging me ive thought that too but maybe im just being paranoid because it happened before. And i dont know when i get overfed extremely and hes there it just makes me not think right like incoherent i dont know it's hard to explain. And he gets me to drink sometimes He doesnt really beat me up or anything but i think it's probably only because ihave trauma about that and i think he wants to make me not realise this is wrong so hes not going to outright hit me but hhe kind of does hurt me.when i got in trouble last he hit me with a brush. One of the biggest traumas i hvae is rape so im very uncomfortable i dont really know he does stuff to me when i sleep obviously but i dont eeally like sex but he does it tovme pretty much every day but if it's a day hes off work like today hes going to numerous times. and he does physically restrain me sometimes mostly when im in trouble for something. if i tell him no I'll get pumished for it.ive thought about emergency servicesbut what if they come and they believe him over me which is what im scared of happening. then he'll know and he might make it impossible for me to go. Im gonna text my aunt today and hopefully she will help me and let me stay with her.i domt know how i mgoing to get to her house or anything. Hrs probably gonna be mad at me for not getting him anything for his birthday either even though i physically csnt get him anything. i am meant to have therapy a couple of days before his birthday. Im sorry this is gross i just feel so alone. I dont want you to feel sorry for me. Thanks for helping in the way you can and kind of being there as sad as that sounds