raver-raddit

[raver-raddit]

My head hurts

And I'm shaking

I can't get out of here

For whatever reason I must have wanted to get lost in this world

But I'm tired of this now

Suicide notes piling up in my closet

I've become good at lying to myself now

Where is this emptiness

So I can suffocate it

Damaged goods need to be returned

"Nobody is coming to save you"

Over and over tattoo it to my body so I can't forget

And torture myself for a lifetime

Of a limb

A useless extension of perception

Useless

Meaningless

Perpetual

Emptiness

And the thought of devoting an idea to waste time

Horrible

Take me back

I want to go back

I don't want to be here anymore

Everything is perfect

And I'm not sad

But I’ve had enough

[raver-raddit]

I can’t keep getting addicted to people. I am a bottomless pit when I’m like this. I hate when i’m like this. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, I’m losing my grip again. Over and over spinning in these same circles- trying to find an answer and then giving up. Hopeless. Begrudgingly hopeless. I want to believe that everything will turn out okay- and mostly, I do. But I am addicted to this feeling. Or maybe it is hooked on me. Like a parasite. Like a disease. A mental disorder that’s wreaking havoc on my life AGAIN. I’m back here again…

I am holding on to so much pain. Some of it is obvious, easy to understand, given the context. Some of it is so deep it must be from another lifetime. I want to spill it out into the world because i am drowning in it. Can’t hold my breath much longer. And I think I can justify my need- an actual necessity- for someone to hold onto as I go through this spiritual purge. I can’t do this alone. I don’t WANT to. I have been waiting my whole life for that one who’s going to save me from myself. How can I possibly survive this on my own when the enemy is also the ally? You don’t win this kind of battle. Nobody gets out alive- that’s why they call it suicide.

[raver-raddit]

(2016)

It's like I'm quitting drugs all over again counting down the days since we last spoke it's

only been 3 but

why does it feel so much longer

as if

ages have gone by I can't believe the time

each moment spent is a distraction from thinking about you

sometimes I find myself praying to remove the obsession

it's an all too familiar pain

I want what I can't have

What kind of life is lived on self restraint

I don't want this anymore

So I convince myself

"I don't need you"

But those words taste so wrong like they came from someone else's mouth and

I miss yours

On mine

But what kind of life is lived on self restraint

I'll probably live out the hurt but by then you'll be dead inside me and

I don't want that

Going through the motions until I'm zeroed out again

Ground zero

Like a graveyard for dreams

I can't bear the thought of burying you barely alive

Aborting all budding tomorrow's

How wrong

[raver-raddit]

It would be good if I didn't have to make a decision, and I could leave it be as if it were an insignificant matter. Like washing dishes or doing laundry. But see, you're not a chore to me, although sometimes it may feel that way. I don't know what I'm asking of love and relationships but I figure at least it could be easy and flowing. Not choppy and painful, like this. Maybe we are just cut from different trees. Not the same world at all. I find there is more static here than attraction. I have nothing to hold on to other than the idea that it might get better. But I've decided that a life spent chasing an idea is meaningless. I don't want to grow old and look back on my life, history repeating itself in the human timeline. I have always dreamt of grandeur. I hold fast to this need in my soul of wild adventure and reckless passion. That's always been me, I guess. Flinging my affections, hitherto, like handfuls of grass. I don't want to grow up into a reality where there only lay barren dead lands. I want to live abundantly knowing there will always be what I need and more to come ever still.

And so, perhaps I need to make this decision. I feel chained down, locked into an existence I truly could not cope with. I suppose I thought I could co-exist with you. But I was wrong. I do not simply exist. I never have. It is painful to live that way. Call me oversensitive, dare I say call me childish. I don't love you. Not romantically, not unconditionally, not platonically. I do not love you. You hurt me far too much for me to lie to myself and pretend there is anything here but fear and pride and lust and greed. This is a sickening communion we have invested some time in. But I hold on hoping, wishing, praying some life springs forth from the desert. And I know, it won't.

You might need me, but I don't need you. I thought I wanted what lessons you have to teach but I lie to myself constantly. I forget. Everyone will let you down. Every time. Every pair of shaky hands you place your heart in will drop it. And it is so painful. I don't know why I feel so deeply, so strongly always. Why my emotions are so powerful, why I live such a tormenting existence of manic episodes and paralyzingly depressions. But that is my life. And you.. Cannot handle me. You can't go where I'm going. You won't come with me. You don't even want to. And there is fear of loneliness but also peace in not needing to commit to history repeating itself.

Maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I am so far gone in my idealism that nobody can bring me back down. Maybe I will grow up and regret every decision I've ever thought I did right by. Instant gratification is the name of the game, and I've been winning for 20 years. Although I would so love to fight for just one thing I really believed in. But like I said, you have given me nothing, nothing to hold on to but an idea that it might get better. And I am not one for playing my luck much.

So I have decided then, that I don't want you. I don't want us. I don't want this pain, and you are not worth the hurting and the waiting and the torment. You are not worth me changing everything that I have worked to achieve. You are not the one, because if you were, it wouldn't be a question. You taught me one thing and that is to say NO when I mean no. And to follow my instincts when they say NO. And to love myself regardless of how others treat me. And to stand up for my opinions and not to be stunned or confused by the boldness of others' approach.

You have words, but they don't mean anything to me anymore. So I'm letting go now. For good. For one last final time, I'm letting go. And you can have your women and you can have your money, and you can have your dreams. I don't need it.

I have what's coming to me. I have what I am given. And I am done fighting to hold on to you. You don't belong to me. You never did.

[raver-raddit]

I get high when you don’t decide to answer

[raver-raddit]

I’ve lost my secret-keepers. They left me here to fend for myself. Talking to urns and gravestones now. All my friends are dead people. Ring around the ambulance till it’s my turn to fall down. I can’t wait.

[raver-raddit]

Livin in the damn moment

[raver-raddit]

[raver-raddit]

Miss you

[raver-raddit]

[raver-raddit]

Hate to waste away like this

[raver-raddit]

[raver-raddit]

You ever see the way blood sprays straight out the vein?

[raver-raddit]

Would you ever die for this? My suicide love

[raver-raddit]

What a great friend….