rawandrealme

[rawandrealme]

Trash Night

Why is it so hard to say goodbye? He's all shes been able to think about, although shes also been sad today. She doesn't know why shes missing him but longing for another. She can see it working with this new guy but he's hesitant she can feel it, I mean I would be hesitant too. The way he just watches her as she tells her stories and her hands are flying and her body is moving and shes just a nervous wreck because he's really cute and she never thought ever that someone as cute as him would be wanting to be with her. They both come from a rough childhood and just want/need to be loved. She still has hope that maybe one day shell be able to wear a dress and sign a paper and change her name, but she also knows that until he's ready for that it isn't just going to happen. How long will she wait for this one?

[rawandrealme]

Fate?

Her life seemed like a story but now it's like the universe and fate are kicking in. She met someone, but how they met is kinda funny. She would sit for hours and scroll social media, his name would pop up in people she might know, she thought he was cute and she didn't think she had a chance so she just kept scrolling. Well she finally decided to put herself out there and maybe find a potential something. After everything she just went through with her best friend and just being alone. Shes ready to settle, and he was cute. She downloaded MeetMe, because well she wanted to see who was out there. Once again she saw his picture, this time she didn't just keep scrolling. He messaged her back... She thought she messed it up because the conversation went cold, and they stopped talking for a couple days. Then he saw her walking with her kids and messaged her out of the blue. She got all blushed and nervous but she invited him to hang out, she didn't feel like being alone and he was cute. He came over and she didn't want him to leave. Not because he was cute but because he just sat there with her and didn't try to kiss her or make any moves, just listened to her wild stories and laughed and smiled. Then the sun came up, and they both had work in a few hours, but neither one wanted to say goodbye. She was secretly wishing he would at least hug her before he left, but instead he kissed her. He was at the door and looked into her eyes and told her "I'm gonna kiss you now" and reached for her face and as they got closer she reached for his neck and magic. His lips were so gentle and soft and the way his hands explored her body. She was speechless and when she did try to talk all she could say was "what" and she couldn't stop smiling. She liked the way her body felt pressed against his, and how she just fit in his arms. She was comfortable with him in a way she never really felt comfortable in a good way. She still is kinda this is too good to be true kinda deals, but at the same time, he's cute, smelled really good, and she couldn't wait till she got to see him again.

[rawandrealme]

Well, Yup, That happened

She messed it all up again. She was pregnant, she took the test had the double lines, tested everyday and noticed the lines getting lighter. She knew what that meant, miscarriage. That terrified her, one because the past two miscarriages she had she had to go to the hospital for because the one was ectopic and her tube ruptured and the other was natural but she hemorrhaged and almost needed a transfusion. Those times though she had someone around to help her, this time... not so much. She wants her best friend but shes afraid to ask him to be here for her even though he said he would be. Shes in pain, she didn't necessarily want another child, but it doesn't make it any less scary just because she didn't want it. Just sucks not having the one person she wants around, because he's busy with friends, which is fine she understands but she also needs him. They agreed that they would catch feelings, but for her how do you not. He loves to make people smile and he helped her find hers again, he took her to a waterfall and helped her stay calm enough to walk across bridge, he held her in a way she felt safe enough she could fall asleep and for the first time in a few years she actually got a good rest. typically she tosses and turns but he held her all night and she didn't move. She also told him every time he told her not to fall, that she cant fall when she already fell. She fell for him years ago and kept it to herself because he was in a relationship and she didn't want to be that person, so beings that they were both single she told him how she felt. But life sucks and girls suck as much as guys do and even though they both have watched each other get their hearts broken by other people, they always had each other. But now, now shes alone, because she told him how she felt and the pregnancy freaked them both out. She knows she has flaws but at the same time, maybe one day the right guy will just be there for her, care for her, and love her back the way she loves, because her heart is big and she just wants to be happy, smile, have innocent fun, and just be loved.

[rawandrealme]

TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

She just wanted it to be a good day. She should know better than to have hope like that because every time she gets her hopes up something goes terribly wrong and shes just reminded that happiness isn't for her. After all her choices are clearly not the right ones and everyone oh so never forgets to remind her of that. It was supposed to be a good day, she was getting ready to celebrate the fifth year of her daughters life. She was having a great time at home talking to the kids, getting everyone ready, she felt good looked good and was ready for the good day. She got everyone's hair done, make up on, and as she put on her dress she thought to herself, how the hell is this going to work. She was feeling off and just has a gut feeling life is about to dip again and dip hard. She was trying to picture introducing her children to yet another person, a person she doesn't ever want to lose but somehow has lost without realizing. Maybe he's just not talking to her because he's busy helping a friend and trying not to focus on himself, which she understands fully, shes kinda been the same way trying to fill her schedule with everything she possibly can just so she doesn't think about it. They talked about this very little when they first started talking, but they didn't have to to talk long about it because they were on the same page and it was made very clear, but when she made that call on Friday and was kinda freaking out, she was anticipating the reaction she got, what she wasn't anticipating is when she expressed herself how his tone changed and he was kind, it threw her off because she wasn't used to that from anyone since her grandmother passed. But words are words too and actions speak louder and only time will tell. She would love to make it work with him, they are kinda fire and ice sometimes but perfect for each other in all aspects. She can't help to think if things would be different if she didn't have the baggage that she does. Now there's a weird distance between them and shes worried about everything and she wants to talk to him but she doesn't want to be a bother and scare him off so shes just waiting to hear from him. Yesterday though she felt terrible for blowing him off, and then when she needed him, he was busy. She hates herself a lot, and its just getting worse. As the day went on the kids got crazier and her anxiety which was already high just boiled inside her. The longer she had to be in that house, the worse it got. Her father wasn't feeling well and was trying to rest upstairs and what's typically a noisy house had turned into we need to be a quiet house. Trying to help her mother finish with lunch in hopes that they could zoom through the party and just get home so they aren't loud and her father can rest. Well needless to say that didn't happen. She was correcting her child for the 100th time and her brother came at her. She tried to ignore it so bad but as soon as he called her a cunt it was over, she flipped her switch and she did what she thought was the only option. She was not going to be the reason that her father came down those stairs. She was not getting yelled at on her daughters birthday for being the worst mom ever. So she left, after realizing shes not going back in that house for her grandfather to move his car, she grabbed the house keys and left the van keys and just started walking. She didn't care about anything anymore, SHE KNOWS HOW SHITTY OF A MOTHER SHE IS, she doesn't need the constant reminders. She already fights herself everyday not to do something stupid and sometimes she kinda sorta asks for help, but the way she does it she kinda targets a certain person hoping they will see and it and just be there for her, but her hopes aren't ever high on that happening and people don't just show up anymore. She needs her best friend but he's not around, shes scared and just needs to know it's going to be okay but no one knows if it really will be. She needs a friend in more ways than conversations on a phone, but does she even deserve that?

[rawandrealme]

Here's Where the Story Changes.

This is the part where she says what she needs to. Just to get it out. Where every day is going to be lived and she can use this as her "notebook" to remember because she never wants to forget this. She went for a walk to really clear her head and just breathe, it felt nice to just wake up and do whatever she wanted. She walked down to Turkey Hill, the closest place that sold Red Bull because she was tired. As she put on her music she thought and giggled to herself "he probably thinks I'm stalking him". She just kinda shook it off, hes the one who asked for space, and to her that meant total isolation. Unknown when he's going to reach out, unknown if she reaches out too soon if he would get angry. She knows he is nothing like the rest, he truly is different. Very gentleman and sweet, she likes that a lot about him. She feels seen, for her and not some version he wants her to be. Which gives her a sense of comfort shes never really felt before. She could go on and on about this man for hours, it just is going to take time. He seems to be patient with her, with tiny little reminders. She feels like being able to breathe, and just doing what she wanted for a time, mixed with her trip to the beach, just put a few things into perspective for her. Where she is starting to let who she is show, and just kinda rediscover herself as a person, she doesn't want to scare him off. I mean we all know he's the real reason she didn't go further than where she said she was going, and the reason she came home. Going to the beach was a way for her to just leave the problems behind. Leave it all in at home, the problems will be there tomorrow, and just go listen to the ocean and feel the sun on her skin. She needed to drive away from it all, away from all the bullshit and issues. She used that drive down to the ocean as ditching every negative thought. When she got to the ocean she listened to the seagulls and the laughter of children. She sat there on the beach just staring into the ocean searching the endless waters for where to go next. She just started to envision different things happening for the kids and how happy she was yet in most of her thoughts the other person who shes always smiling at is turned around. and vice versa, she is still reserved for him to fully have her too. She thought she was sorta kinda ready, maybe some parts of her are. But there are a few more parts and a few more adventures to go on before shes 100% sure. Along with needing to be patient with herself, this stuff takes time just to slow down and breathe, stop worrying so much about things you can't control. Life will do you dirty like that.

[rawandrealme]

Swing

There was always something that was comforting about a swing. She had so many laughs when there were swings involved. Her favorite memories are being on the swings. She felt free as she sat on the swing and flew towards the sky. She liked that feeling, quite therapeutic if you ask me, but it was a wonderful feeling. Feeling that rush of air towards her face and then the rush of air from the back. It was her place to let go. She liked to listen to music as she swung because sometimes music just says it better than she can. She let a lot go. Shes excited and a little nervous to go to the beach tomorrow because shes afraid that shes not going to find what shes looking for. Shes hoping that the last puzzle piece will fall into place and everything will just be clear. Shes excited to smell the ocean and feel the sand. She doesn't care if its hot that's why shes at the beach. Shes not sure what she wants to wear and is self cautious about the one outfit she has picked out. Shes hoping to come home with knowing a little more about herself and a better understanding of where she needs to go. There's still a part of her that wishes he could join her on this journey but at the same time she needs to do it alone. She promised him she will return, and the more she wants to break the promise, a promise is a promise. She sees the night ending two different ways. One being alone, and the other seeing him, just to show that she came back. It's going to take more time to finish her puzzle but she really hopes he helps her, she really wants it to be the boy up the road.

[rawandrealme]

She wants to reach out to him, but at the same time she doesn't want to be that girl. She woke up this morning with every intention to be productive. Instead she found herself pissed off at the neighbors, who decided to make a mess and not clean it up properly. Because she got pissed she decided to go for a walk. At first her journey didn't have a purpose or an end zone. She found herself at Turkey Hill for a drink and off to do and go where ever she may pleased. She walked to the one consistent place she ever felt safe and okay. She looked over at the basketball court where she immediately could hear the sounds of his laughter from when they were kids and playing basketball just to stay out of trouble. She sat down at the picnic table and broke into tears. At first she didn't quite understand why she was crying, maybe it was because she knows her days are becoming numbered, or just the fact that she missed him. After pulling herself together, she took a breath got up and remembered that it was the past, its time for new memories to be made, yes its fun to remember those moments at the same time they are remembered to teach a lesson. Like hey dummy the one your making eyes at is the one you want like why aren't you listening to your gut and trying to win him over. It just never felt like the right time, she wants to reach out to him even though he asked for space but its really hard. She overthinks too much and its just to painful to admit sometimes. She knows he's different yet the math is starting to add up. She just wants him to know that shes here, whether it is for a listening ear or distraction from the world. Taking the space and not talking to her, is just going to create negative distance, she wants this to work, she would much rather be there to support and lean on than sidelined and watching.

[rawandrealme]

ugh

Shes pondering again. Looking up on herself wondering what she did wrong to chase this one away. She doesn't understand how he makes her feel. She never quite did even growing up and even though she always secretly hoped that she would one day be the reason behind his smile, just seeing him smile was enough for her. When shes near him she feels invincible, like nothing is going to happen to her because he will protect her. She never had that, she never had a protector, someone who made her feel so safe that she feels invincible. Shes definitely comfortable around him, I mean shes been half naked in front of him more times changing than she can remember. The way he looks at her though. There's a softness in his eyes that sees her imperfections but looks past them to see her true beauty. She shies away from him though. Unsure if she could let him in. What if he leaves too, and she loses her best friend, again. Her heart is skipping beats and falling for him, he's good for her, its finally their time. But all she can think about is "I'm sick" and she keeps telling everyone but no one is really listening. Her head is basically using it as the biggest excuse not to start another relationship, especially after the last one imploded. Like what's going to happen in two years when shes really bad? Is he gonna be there and watch her die? Left with all the memories, flooded by the last breath? They deserve a longer time together. It's not fair.

[rawandrealme]

She was always the girl down the street.

She was right there the whole time quietly sitting and watching him get his heartbroken time and time and vice versa. He was kind and caring and she thought he was absolutely handsome. She watched him get dressed up and helped him by rolling her eyes to his millions of shirts he would try on before picking the first one and off he went. Shes afraid now, afraid of all her pasts coming to the surface as they finally met at the right time for the first time. Her level of trust is non existent, yet he's really never given her a reason not to trust him. He knows her and has seen her at her worst but never really seen her numb. This is a new territory for them, they both are single, both had their hearts destroyed by someone whom they thought was their forever, they finally have the maturity to communicate and understand each other on a deeper level. Shes falling hard. Something she never thought she would do again. She wants to believe that they were always meant to end up together it was clearly obvious at times but there was always a line of respect. She wants to have faith and trust that he isn't like the others but she cant help to wander if its going to be the same. She doesn't want to be broken for him. She wants to be the best version of herself for him, he deserves to be loved as much and hard as she does, yet she pulls herself back from time to time, wandering if fate has finally intervened and its just gonna be what's meant to be. Shes going to have to be patient with him, within the sense of waiting to make sure that he's ready for the family life. But he's going to have to be patient with her within the sense of something he healed from by himself, he's now guiding her through. Where will their path go, will he bring her back like he's done so many times before after her heart was broken? With the right work on the relationship and learning each other, she can see herself with him and happy.

[rawandrealme]

Wait Wait FATE?

Okay just hear her out. This monkey wrench is a wait long pause wait moment in her life. She was on a walk, and a familiar voice from past years called out her name. She politely said hey and she reached out to him to catch up. He was her best friend through school. Plus they lived near each other and he was the only boy her age that her father actually allowed her to be around. As they rode bicycle down the hill or went on adventures through the backyard just being kids, she always couldn't hide the smile she had when he was around. He made her laugh and sometimes was goofy on purpose to distract her from herself. They grew up together always having a connection but never crossing that friend zone. There were times where she cried on his shoulder because his best friend treated her like garbage, or some other date went wrong. She could always count on him to show up in times where she needed. In return, she was there for him in a heartbeat whenever he needed, whether it was a safe ride home, an ear to listen to the drama she tried so hard not to involve herself in, or to hand him the tools when he was fixing the broken parts. They had each other's backs for years just secretly keeping tabs and checking in to make sure each other was okay. There were weeks they would spend days upon nights with each other and other months and years without saying much but a head nod of acknowledgement. They always respected each other's boundaries when it came to them being in relationships but sometimes it was hard to tell who was really with whom when they all hung out. If she needed a smile she knew who to look at and eventually they had their own language. She could talk to him with her eyes, and she knew what he was saying right back. Words both of them never spoke but said without words. Sometimes she would wander if they would cross that friend line how it would really work. He probably (more than likely) knew more about her than she did. He was the one who would piss her off just to watch her go off and then know exactly how to get her back down to earth when she got to far. They lost touch for a few years, it was hard she caught herself a few times searching his name looking at his pictures and just being happy that he looked happy. Sometimes she wondered if she didn't walk away from him when she walked away from his best friend if things would've turned out a little different. Or is it some stupid fate cliche of the girl who falls for her best friend and they finally both think they can be happy and someone dies and leaves the other alone to remember them. Can she even face another relationship having to learn the things they learned about themselves on their time apart. But hearing him say her name put that same goofy smile on her face, shes definitely afraid to trust this situation again. Shes wondering how long it's going to last till he gets tired of her, just like all the others. Her trust level in everything that comes with relationships is on the ultimate low. But he never gave her a reason not to trust him. And at the same time shes so scarred is it going to be worth it? Shes conflicted, and confused. Is it possible that they both gave up on love and will end up falling in love with each other. That's kinda scary to think about.

[rawandrealme]

Near Future

Health: Three of Wands. Manifestation, representing the fruition of old seeds that were planted in the past. YAY another person from my past to resurface, please for the love of everything make it a fun person and not some asshat who is going to break my heart over and over. Stay grounded. Good Health is on the horizon, manifest healthy and balanced lifestyle. Explore new places, which can have a positive impact of both the physical and mental well being. Go take that hike, THE BEACH TRIP that you constantly keep trying to weasel your way out of. cough cough. Don't roll your eyes at me either, you're the one who promised yourself a trip to clear your head. Don't be too impulsive though or take unnecessary risks, remember you went to the beach before with $30 in your pocket and came home with fifty cents.

Money: The Magician. Balance and Potential. Importance of balance and harmony in all aspects of life. Utilize your skills and resources to manifest abundance. Set clear intentions, visualize your financial goals and take practical steps towards them. Avoid Scams.

Love: Page of Pentacles. Young student eager to learn and grow. New opportunity or lesson. Stay open and curious, always seeking new knowledge and experiences to better yourself and grow toward your goals. Keep an open mind and be open to learning from new relationships as they come. Don't be naive or blind from potential red flags or toxic patterns.

[rawandrealme]

Two of Swords

Difficult Choices, Indecision, Stalemate

Two of Swords warns against Indecision and being stuck in the middle. Yeah I'm stuck in the middle of course I'm stuck in the middle. How can someone want something and not want the same thing at the same time. It is crucial to make a choice and take a stand, even if it may be uncomfortable to difficult. But I don't know, if I had a magic time traveling ball into the future and could know some more information than the decision would be easier to make. Avoid ignoring your intuition or ignoring important information that may influence your decision. UM seriously?? Ya gonna do me like that? How can I not ignore my intuition that's telling me one thing and ignore the important facts that would influence the decision. UGH. This card represents a state of limbo and confusion, where decisions must be chosen. The figure on the card sits blindfolded with crossed swords, symbolizing the internal conflict and fear of making the wrong choice. 100% right on the nose upon my face, the right choice vs wrong choice, feeling blindfolded to knowing which is which. The moon in the background reminds you to trust your intuition and trust the universe's guidance. While the Two of Swords my indicate a time of uncertainty and indecision, it also serves as a reminder that difficult decisions must be made in order for progress and growth to occur.

[rawandrealme]

Never wanted this

Never wanted to have to be put in a situation where she had to be the strong one. She hates being the strong one. The unrealistic expectations that come from being the strong one is really hard to deal with. How do you stay strong in front of a person who has called you an idiot, convinced people to leave you and has done everything they possibly can to make your life just a little harder to try to break you. Being the bigger person and the strong one having to hold that together and make nice for a few hours is just something she never wanted to do. She doesn't like being the strong one, shes been strong for too long and when does she get the chance to be free and do what she wants. Shes always taking care of someone or something else, and no one ever takes care of her. She knows when shes getting weak and on those days she typically stays away from others because its just too much. Overloaded all the time and everyone around her expects her to stay calm and just roll with it. Shes loosing grip. How can life treat her like this what did she do to deserve cancer and single mom life. Why doesn't she deserve happiness and love. She puts all this effort to make everyone around her smile yet shes painted as the bad guy time after time. She doesn't understand how someone can walk away so easily, but lets just be honest if they can walk away she doesn't chase after them. Even when the father of her children walked away she didn't chase. She knew that if he could walk away from his children and her that he wasn't worth fighting for anymore. Whether there was truth to his words when he told her he hasn't loved her and thought having children would change that and it didn't, why did he get the opportunity to come back and disrupt their lives. She never wanted that split life for her children nor did she ever think that she was going to be the one to go through it. She feels judged every time shes out in public with her children because not only is she sick but shes also just trying to do her best to keep everyone else smiling and happy. But when is it her turn to be cared for in a way where she feels safe, respected, and can relax and just be herself? Does she even know who she is?

[rawandrealme]

Cancer pt 2

She went through so much but the number one thing she hated was she no longer had the patience to do her dream job. That killed her slowly everyday, every time she lost her temper she hated herself a little more, but her temper was so hard to control when her hormones were everywhere. The doctors first discovered that her body was rejecting the medication when she suffered a bad miscarriage. After 4 years of fighting herself, doctors, insurance company, and trying to survive she was finally put on a medication where she started to feel like herself again. By this time, she was a single mom of 2 under 3 and pregnant again by an old high school flame. She went yearly for ultrasounds and blood work. In November of 2024 she went in for her year check, and it was different. Her doctor had ordered a full body scan which she went through hell in order to get done. She had to be off her medicine for 6 weeks, and go on a low to no iodine diet. Some days were literally hell trying to get up and some were easier. When the scan was done the doctor told her that she has traces of the cancer back in her neck that could be affecting at least 3 lymph nodes. Now a single mom of 3 and the cancer returns. How is that even possible for her to handle. Isn't she struggling enough? Why did God give her 3 amazing children just to take her away from them. She asked the doctors to biopsy the lymph nodes and remove them but the doctor looked at her and told her that the insurance company might not cover it and its a slow growing cancer that the better route to take is to wait and watch. Part of her is okay with that, but that part of her is no longer okay with that because if she leaves this world her children wont have her and they need her. Her children are really the only thing that is keeping her together. Which makes her feel like crap every day of her life because it's not a child's responsibility to be the glue for their parent. She does her best, but she stepped on the scale the other day, because when she goes out she gets complimented on how good she looks. She doesn't see it though. She graduated high school at 150 pounds in 2010. When she stepped on that scale and it said 138 her heart sank to the floor. She knew she was losing weight but she didn't expect to ever see that number again. The last time she stepped on a scale that said 138 she was 16 years old and at the gynecologist getting weighed before her first shot of birth control. Her doctor had taken her off the shot a few years later because she gained too much weight over the years which was a side effect of the shot. She hates that the scale says that number now though because shes not exercising or doing anything to lose the weight, shes just living. Fighting herself everyday against the fatigue to get up and take care of the kids. Fighting herself through the hormone surges and trying to keep a smile on her face to hide the fact that shes sick. She knows shes sick, but she only told a few people. Shes doing this alone too. 3 children, a job, a house, a dog, and her body is attacking itself. She has some support and help from friends and family, but the struggle of the everyday things she doesn't talk about. She doesn't talk about how hard it is to sleep, or even get dressed some days. She doesn't talk about how difficult it is to fight the fatigue just to shower. She doesn't talk about how drained she feels on the daily. She just keeps pushing and putting on the show and rolling through the motions until she finally gets to put her head on a pillow and silently cry herself to sleep. Some days she wishes she doesn't wake up and some days she catches herself without even thinking saying things like "well I have to spend the time with them now and make the memories now so they don't remember the pain and suffering when I'm gone". Shes sick, she doesn't want to admit it but, shes sick. Worst part, she has no support through the sickness because she doesn't let others know because she doesn't want them to worry about her.

[rawandrealme]

Cancer

Knowing you have cancer is kinda scary. In August of 2013 she was turning 21, they had family plans to go to the brewery as they did for everyone's 21st and bar hop the whole way home. Plans didn't go as planned since her 21st was on a Friday. The whole family woke up that day like any other, happy and excited to celebrate her. They went up to the brewery and she had the experience of a lifetime. She got to meet the head honcho of the brewery and got a signed picture with him. She looked and felt great. She had her first beer at the brewery sitting next to her father. Everything was grand. She remembers that every bar they were going to go to was closed till 5 pm, because it was a Friday lol. So the family stopped at a pub who almost didn't bring beer to the table because they tried to tell her they couldn't serve her till midnight, the waitress misread her ID. She got served and ate. They stopped at the distributor and picked up a couple of cases and went home to celebrate and wait for the bars to open to have fun. Everyone was sitting in the garage and each had a pint jar of beer she was having fun and enjoying her day. Until they heard the car doors. As everyone got quiet to hear who was coming around the corner, the whole mood shifted. Grandma came to the door and all eyes were on her, she remembers someone asking how things went and as soon as she heard those words. "Malignant" "Lymphoma" "Stage 3 maybe 4". Her heart sank. How? How could God do this to her, Grandma was the only person who has listened to her and been there for her whenever she needed, she was never too busy, squeezed her hand in ways to remind her shes safe and will be safe. She finished her beer and went inside the house to sleep, because plans changed and she was pissed. The cancer is still going to be there tomorrow, why cant they forget it till then. It's unfair, she just wanted to have that 21st birthday like the movies. Girl turns 21 goes out to the bars drinks dances has fun, throws up because shes too drunk, comes home passes out and wakes up with the worst hangover ever but knew she had fun. Instead she got a day of Cancer and tears and everyone that came to the house, forgot it was even her birthday. Her family thought she was too drunk to understand, but reality was she wanted to forget it and just go have fun. She didn't want to hear that the one person that literally held it all together and had so much more to teach her was leaving this world. She wasn't quite 22 by the time she was standing in a cemetery watching them lower the casket into the ground. Roughly around the year 2015 she had a lymph node swell up in her neck, she kinda freaked out yet at the same time was calm about it, maybe they can catch her cancer early enough that it wont kill her too, or maybe the cancer will take her from this world too and she'll be with her grandma again. Either way she trusted her body which was telling her she had cancer but the doctors refused to see her. The doctors told her she was a hypochondriac and brushed it off by putting on her own countless antibiotics and steroid shots and finally after searching for a doctor who would listen to her and 4 years later, 8 months after her son was born she finally got the call. Metastatic Papillary Thyroid Cancer. She heard it, she acknowledged it, but she was stunned, frozen in time. How could God do this to her again. How could he give her cancer before she even got to spend a year with her baby. Being a mother was like her number one goal, she finally landed the job she always dreamed of and things were good. She went in for surgery in February of 2019 where they removed her thyroid which had 3 tumors on it, and 31 lymph nodes 18 came back positive. Doctors explained to her that living without a thyroid is difficult, and described it as trying to change a car battery while driving down the highway at night.

[rawandrealme]

Hallway

There were so many memories when she stepped back into that school. Before she even got into the school she remembered how they used to play around in the front of the school while waiting for the buses to come. How she would reach into his hoodie pocket and steal his cigarettes or how she would walk off with his hoodie and the kisses they would share. Each hallway had a different memory and as she stands by the doors to the stage she can't help but to remember all the laughter and dirty jokes and music that once rang through the hall. The hall where she lost her virginity, cried walking down after he forced her on his lap when she was supposed to be at practice, and the hall where she would go to hide from everyone else. She remembered how she used to stand in door way that lead to backstage and how she would listen to the drum line as she silently kept time with her feet. How she would go through the routine in her head as extra practice. She could remember how the cold floor felt on the hot days of band camp and even though everyone was so sweaty and tired, everyone would still be talking and laughing. She smiled as she remembered the year she got sick and the students who were in the EMT class were constantly making sure she was okay. She let a little giggle out when she remembered the year she got suspended from band camp, it was quite funny because the band director thought he was being slick and she was going to be missing those days anyway because she was going upstate. Honestly that situation was kinda fucked, she had every right to take that camera and delete those pictures because the girl asked her if she wanted to be photographed and she said no and the girl took a bunch of shots and was making fun of her. The memories of someone blurting out "just a small town girl" would have the whole hallway bursting out into song, as they were getting ready on Friday nights before the game. How she remained the quiet girl in that loud group is baffling at times. She hopes that one day her children will be able to experience those moments and have as much fun as she did.

[rawandrealme]

Fudge Fudge and more Oh FUDGE

She kept thinking of that one person. That one person who she would go to when she needed help, whether it was help getting home, help through a situation where she just needs to hear herself talk. They have the type of friendship where they promised each other that they wouldn't fall for one another, and be completely honest. It's hard for her not to overthink this situation because it's way too crazy to be true. There's no way shes going to have yet another Hallmark movie moment in life, where shes had a crush on someone for a few years, never really looked at him in a manner of romance, but yet somehow they find each other and talk and someone ends up falling. Like honestly how many Hallmark movie plot twists that you see coming moments does she have to live through? Shes already gone through the cheater who leads her to the domestic abuser. Shes gone through the high school sweetheart, breakup ten years later re-connection. And we saw how they ended, heart break, pain, and loneliness. She is on a path of self exploratory, to find her worth, self and happiness. Whomever crosses her path can either join her and have some fun, or turn around. She doesn't want to be tied down to anyone except her children. Shes always going to be a mother first, but on those days where she doesn't have the children, she gets to go discover herself again. That excites her. For the first time in a long time she can do whatever she wants to. If she wants to go out she can, stay in pajamas she can, she has the house to herself if she wants to just wear her robe and walk around naked she can. She can go for hikes and not have to worry about anyone except herself. She can go to the beach if she wants to and not have to follow a timeline or do something else because someone else wants to. Shes on a journey to find herself, she has a concert to go to in June that shes super excited for because its Avril and her music has gotten her through some pretty wicked times. Shes going to have a life changing summer and shes kinda scared, yet kinda excited to see the outcome.