razorwebs

[razorwebs]

One day you’ll see I’m doing fine now on my own, I found a solace in being alone.

[razorwebs]

Was it something I said?

It’s been a while since we last spoke

I regret to say I think about you every day

And I wonder if you’re the same?

Probably not.

You always had more life than I did, physically and in spirit.

And I always seemed to say the wrong thing. In the car with your friends, under the stars, the setting sun. All times I regret, I wish I could reset and try again. But maybe it’s for the best, for us to grow and mature separate. It wasn’t meant to be, my mother always says. And I tend to agree.

But I’ll always wonder what I said, that changed your mind about me.

We shared a lot of time, does that mean nothing in the end?

[razorwebs]

Can you unblock me so I can block you?

Thanks.

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

Memories of the barn

I remember when I would go out to the barn at night, lock the door and throw a cord over the rafters.

Stand on a bucket.

Put my head through the loop.

Wonder if it’ll be my parents or my siblings that will find me.

Cry for my mother. Cry for myself.

But ultimately, it was just another night to cry myself to sleep.

There’s no escape for me.

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

I no longer wish you would call.

I’d only wonder why you’d still have my number.

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

Im so tired

This past week has been so draining. Between TMS therapy in the mornings and then work all day, there’s no time to feel sad.

Until it catches up to me.

Then that’s all I feel.

I wish I could say that I feel better, but it’s just distractions. I still miss my vices that I can’t have anymore. The strange dreams are distressing. And sleep leaves me feeling unrested, so what’s the point? An escape to an equally distressing reality.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

It hurts so bad.

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

L’appel du vide

“The call of the void”

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

[razorwebs]

Dreams

Sometimes I dream about you both, but they’re never happy dreams.

I dream of wrapping my hands around your throat and squeezing, hard.

I dream of bashing your head against the wall until you crumple.

I dream of kicking you while you’re down.

I dream of killing all your friends.

I dream of stabbing both your boyfriends.

Terrible, evil dreams, things I would never actually do.

But they feel good.