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[razzyrou]

Entry #1 January 20, 2023

I have decided that this will be my journal. I don’t want a repeat of what happen last year. I don’t want my mother snooping around my stuff and when she find something incriminate she will use it to add more issues into my life.

Anyways, I’ve decided to keep a journal. I don’t know how long this will last because I’m terrible at staying consistent with journals. But I guess that not really the important part. What’s really important is that I get these thoughts out of my head and document them. I’m prone to dissociating and forgetting the terrible lows of my life. Then I accept the good as the only part of my life and that grossly inaccurate.

First, I wanted to sent ground rules for myself about what to include in this journal and how to conduct myself.

1. I will not edit things. I want this to be a free write. The only place in my life that I can truly be myself without wondering how I come off.

2. I will not plan ahead. If I feel like writing I will. Just throw up whatever is in my head onto the paper.

3. This i not to be shared purposely with anyone else. If people decide to follow along that’s fine, but I won’t give out this link so that people can delve into my intimate thoughts.

That’s all I can think of right now. If there are anymore I will make amendments. Now I want to talk about the reason for this journal. My life has hit an all time low. I have been struggling with mental health issues as long as I can remember, but now there’s so much more pilled on. I don’t even know where to start. Well I guess I can start where it all went bad and then fill in the whole as I go.

In November or October of 2021 my mother banded my then boyfriend and now fiancé from our house. She did this because she found a journal of mine from more than a decade ago that had a list of all the things I didn’t like about my boyfriend. She came into my room while I was going work for one of my course that I take in graduate school. She asked, “Are you happy-“ which I promptly responded with the answer “No.” Then and still now, I could not think of the last time I was truly happy and content. At the time I was also extremely stressed with the weight of three time consuming classes (Stats III, Social Emotional Development, Assessments). So, without thinking I said the truth.

My mother did not take concern with this. She instead took the time to finish the question, “Are you happy with your partner.” I, still in my stressed state said, “No.” This alarmed her. She did not care when I first answered the question about my overall life, but now she cares when it’s directed towards my partner. She said, “If you are not happy, why are you with him.” And I answered, “That’s like saying if you’re not happy in life, why don’t you just kill yourself.” Clearly, I was really going through it.

In all honesty I don’t remember my partner doing anything in that particular moment for me to be so negative. It was the overall stress on my life that was making my tired and irritated that my mother was in my room again to lecture me about my relationship in which she knows nothing about. To pretend to care about what’s best from me when she continuously invalidates and disregards anything I say. Doing all this while I have to prepare to sit in front of my screen to attend a two hour and thirty minute class to discuss graduate level statistics with a teacher that I was already fed up with. And that was only the annoyance of one class. So forgive me for not wanting to play this game again with my mother. I am tired now so I’ll finish this story later.

[razzyrou]

I hate everything I create.

[razzyrou]

6/30

I suck at everything. Art, writing, gaming, relationships. That’s why everyone disregards me and I’m always alone.

[razzyrou]

6/29

I’m trying so hard. To what end? I hate myself and everything I do.

[razzyrou]

I can never be myself. I’m always too much of too little. Too this or too that.

[razzyrou]

1/4/22

I’m really close to killing myself. And no one cares.

[razzyrou]

12/17/21

I’ve been triggers again. Like I’m second best again in my life. I’m going to kill my myself one day.

[razzyrou]

11/23/21

He annoyed me. He came on the VC and was rude. He talked a lot and made it all about him. Then he tried to be funny and called a “loser”. He pissed me off. I wanted to call him stupid because he hates feeling dumb, but I didn’t want to act mean.

The other side is that I could be sensitive. I’ve been feeling not worthy of loving and having friends. I’m always the third wheel. I never get picked first. The night before I hung out with friends and I jus felt mike a nuisance. I thought we all hadn’t talked but really everyone was conversing with out and I was left out again. We played a game like cards against humanity. I sucked at it. I’m not funny. I’m not witty like everyone else. I’m stupid. I’m awkward. I feel like garbage. Anyways I felt better in my community. The convos were great. Then I invited him and he acted so harsh. Usually I would be fine because that’s how we are together but it was weird with other people around. He said he was on edge. That he misses me.

I don’t know. That left a bad taste in my mouth and I don’t know if I want to get back with him.

[razzyrou]

11/9/21

I’m very angry. I try not to think about it. But I’m pissed off that I did most things right in my life and I still can’t choose who I get to be with. I’m pissed off that everyone else does whatever they want but I have to suffer and I’m not nearly as bad as them. I’m angry.

[razzyrou]

11/9/21

He missed his flight yesterday. I don’t know. I feel like he would. It just seemed like he didn’t wake up early enough. I don’t know if this is a sign to me or to him. Is it tell me that I’m better off without him? Or is it tell him he needs me ? That I added value to his life? Or is it just an unfortunate thing to happen? I know he’s beating himself up about it. But I cant comfort him because I’m not his girlfriend and I need to distance myself. It’s hard.

[razzyrou]

11/8/21

Things I don’t agree with my parents. That I think is wrong. This that they do that I hate.

-Hitting Kids

-Yelling to get your point across

~Ignoring to prove a point

-Belittling ideas they disagree with

-Think everyone who does agree with them are the devil

-Thinks there’s only one way to do something

-Lies all the time but expect people to be honest

-Never say what they want but expect people to adhere to those standards.

-Manipulative

-Judgmental

-Unforgiving, holds grudges for years

-Never feel like they’re wrong and that everyone else is the problem.

-Never apologize

-Act like there’s a choice, when there never is

-Use the Bible to justice all their bad behaviors (excessive anger and aggressiveness)

-culturally biased, but pretend that it is spiritual biased

-Don’t listen or understand anyone else

-Invalidated everyone’s experience because it wasn’t “as bad” at their own.

-Do things without planning and expect you to go along with it.

-Say they want your opinion but really want you to agree with them.

-Prideful but pretend to be humble.

-Hypocritical: done terrible things in the past but try to act like I’m worse

-Rude and justify it by saying their adults and this is their house.

-Don’t value mental health.

-Get on me for the books I read but watch adult shows and films on tv.

-Don’t value my dedication to school even though they told me to value school.

-They want what they think is best for me but not what I think is best for me.

-Never say the good things I do.

-Don’t value women.

-Homophobic, Transphobic, sexist, ableist, ageist, antisemitic, racist republicans 

-Slow to change but expect change immediately.

-Care too much about other peoples opinions but pretend that they don’t.

[razzyrou]

11/7/21

Nights have always been hard…it’s even harder alone. I need a new routine. I need to rely on myself. How to do that? I don’t know. But it hurts. All I feel is pain. My heart burns and aches all day. I feel the tension in my muscles. I hate it. I hate this feeling. But I don’t know what to do…breathe. I just breathe.

[razzyrou]

11/7/21

I’ve finally chosen me. For too long I live in fear of being alone. Of being abandoned. The truth is I can do this. I will not let people wish for my downfall or feel belittled. I am too powerful. With the grace and strength of Yah I will not let people take my peace and rise against me. I have no one but I am not alone. My parents only want what they think is best. Though I truly and wholeheartedly think they are wrong. They are living through their trauma and projecting that on me. I will not take the burden of their trauma. I refuse to bare the weight of someone else’s bad choices. I refuse to live for them and live unhappy. They did their best with what they had. I do not fault them, but I will not limit my happiness of what they had available to them. I choose to live in peace and joy. Even if I have to do that alone. I relied too much on my boyfriend to be my anchor. Now it’s time to trust in Yah and make move for my future.

[razzyrou]

It’s so funny. I was finally starting to like me art. Then I realized that it wasn’t good. That everyone is lying to be encouraging and a good friend. I put so much work and effort into it, but clearly it’s not enough…

[razzyrou]

I feel sad, because I don’t get as much attention and praise as my friends on social media. They are effortlessly amazing and good at stuff. I don’t want discount all the work they put into their content. But there are things they don’t try at like being bubbly, cute, relatable, funny. That I have to try so hard at just for someone to look my way. And chances are they won’t even stick around to get to know me. I just feel like I’m never good enough. No matter how much time and effort I put into things no one around me cares. My audience is not loyal. I know I’m just starting out. But I feel like there is no hope for me. I think that I don’t have the personality to do well in content creation, which just validates that I’m a shit person overall.

[razzyrou]

I’m not a loser

[razzyrou]

Doing art is hard. I’m trying my best. I might get something out of it