rdshuz

[rdshuz]

Johnny’s Health Journal

The Healing Game (Facebook, Nov. 2/2019)

These past few weeks have been very strange – stressful and challenging in many ways, and yet also revelatory and often with a lot of peace and joy. In mid-September a routine medical exam showed something suspicious going on in my prostate. I felt fine and had no symptoms but this led to an MRI, following by a biopsy and CAT scan. The result was a diagnosis of intermediate prostate cancer, but thankfully no sign yet that it has spread beyond.

This has shaken up everything in my life – cancer carries so much weight in our culture and at first I felt like it was a death sentence. I've since learned prostate cancer actually has a pretty good survival rate, especially with early discovery, yet every case is unique. There is some disagreement about what medical treatments are most effective, and all have some risks and undesirable side effects. I’ve been gathering as much information as I can digest and consulting with doctors in both Chiang Mai and Bangkok, and will decide on a treatment plan over the next few weeks.

It’s been shocking to realize just how easily feelings of fear, shame and self-judgment can piggy-back on the cancer itself! I’ve come to understand that spiritual and attitudinal healing is at least as important as the medical side of things, but it is a real challenge that these not get lost in the whole process. Life-threatening illness is, as the saying goes, both a crisis and an opportunity. One’s life is turned upside down - so much that was taken for granted gets thrown into high relief, just as one’s usual preoccupations fall away. Much of the time I’ve felt like I’m floating between different dimensions, but it has also been a definite awakening to some fundamental truths for me.

The first was simply being confronted with my mortality in an inescapable way. I often reflect on impermanence and death, and like to feel I have some equanimity around these, and yet to live through and practice this is completely different.

I also realized just how much I identify with this physical body and the ego pride I carry around feeling health and strong. I felt suddenly tainted and ashamed, but am beginning to understand how much I have been in a kind of denial around the reality of aging. I’m also attached to feeling independent and in control, but as soon as one enters the medical system much of that cherished sense of autonomy vanishes. This hit me like a truck when I first sat into a wheelchair. Of course it’s important to navigate the medical system as wisely we can, but there is also something precious in learning when to surrender, accept the help of others and simply trust at times.

Another gift in this process is how cancer reminds me of the vulnerability we all share as humans. The Buddhist teacher Joseph Goldstein said “Anything can happen to anyone at any time.” NONE of us are exempt from pain, sickness and death, and really feeling the truth of this is opening my heart in unexpected ways. I am seeing the suffering of others with less defensiveness and more compassion, and how we are all connected in this circle of life. Certainly the example of all those I know going through cancer now as well is a powerful inspiration! Mostly I’ve been feeling such deep gratitude for all that life has given me, and all those I’ve shared the journey with…

One of my mantras in recent years has been “May we all in our soul’s journey come to know the meaning of love.” Most of all, this illness is deepening my relationship with my partner Catherine, as we learn to love each other more fully as we are, beyond the idealized versions we’re more comfortable with.

I take this illness as an invitation to consider my relationship to life itself in new and more profound ways. As I go ahead with treatment, I just hope I don’t lose sight of this perspective!

I'm feeling pretty positive going forward. I really appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers (in words or sweated!) but please understand that more advice is not what I really need at this point.

Thanks for reading! 🙏🏻 I am incredibly touched and grateful for all of you who responded to my original post about prostate cancer! I feel we are all brought together by the good wishes and love you expressed, and I know I’ll draw needed support from this going forward! ❤️