real-leonardmccoy

[real-leonardmccoy]

(wakes up mid-operation and maintains awkward eye contact)

Wha-?! You're awake?! What in the devil's name happened?! And why are you staring at me like I just grew a second head?! Don't you dare try to sit up! You're currently rearranged on my operating table, and I'd prefer to keep your insides on the inside. Just lie still, breathe, and try to look a little less like you've seen a ghost. I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker, and you just added ten years to my life in shock. Now, just hold still so I can finish this.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Just a random question… what would happen if say I started to lose my voice because I didn’t make a smart decision. And no I’m not “sick” my body is just odd and doesn’t enjoy itself. And no the captain doesn’t know and no I don’t think I’ll tell him I should be fine I just shouldn’t talk

Losing your voice because of a 'not smart decision' and your 'body's just odd'? And you're not telling the Captain?! Good grief, what idiocy have you gotten into now?! Not being able to talk means you can't report a damn thing, or call for help. But more importantly, it could be a symptom of something serious, and your 'oddness' could put the whole ship at risk! Now, get your backside to sickbay, now! Unless you want to spend the rest of your mission trying to pantomime your way through a crisis. And don't think I won't mark 'self-inflicted vocal impairment' right in your file!"

[real-leonardmccoy]

Hello again, Mr doctor sir! What would you say is the thing that you miss the most from Earth?

Good grief, 'Mr. Doctor Sir?' The thing I miss most from Earth, you ask? The smell of real grass after a spring rain. Not this recycled air and hydroponic nonsense. And maybe a good, strong, Kentucky bourbon that hasn't been run through a replicator.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Uh so there may have had an accident with my phaser and uh.. I'm small. Like, I'm legitimately shorter by at least 4ft. And I tried to fix it but I think I may have made it worse because I am genuinely floating in air despite the ship's gravity control.

I might have to talk with Scotty to see if he can reverse whatever happened with my phaser but I thought I should tell you first in case you needed to update my medical file (only if whatever malfunction happened couldn't be reversed).

Shrunk yourself?! And you're floating?! What in the name of sanity did you do with that phaser, turn it into a personal black hole?! And you tried to fix it yourself?! Are you completely out of your mind?! Don't you even think about bothering Scotty with this until I've had a look! You'll probably end up phasing yourself into the deck plating! Get your tiny self to sickbay, now! And don't worry about your medical file; we'll just add 'acute self-miniaturization' right next to 'chronic lack of self-preservation!'

[real-leonardmccoy]

hey buddy..what’s going with you and spock? you two gonna kiss orrrr?

Look, whatever's going on between me and Spock is... well, it's just two highly intelligent, deeply committed officers with differing methodologies collaborating for the good of the ship. Nothing special. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for... something incredibly important that doesn't involve anyone named Spock.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Hi. Um. I think I'm in the wrong century. I don't know how I got here. This ship is really cool and all but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be here. I would like to go home.

Please.

Wrong century?! Well, you're not wrong, son. You're... well, you're a long way from home, that's for sure. 'How'd you get here?' Beats the hell out of me! I'm a doctor, not a chronal cartographer! And you want to go home? Hell, so do I half the time. But we'll figure it out. Now, what year are you from, anyway?

[real-leonardmccoy]

Bones, I think i broke my arm but don't worry about it, im totally fine, I'll beam up after i finish this mission

Broke your arm?! And you're 'totally fine'? What in the blazes do you mean, 'totally fine'?! You get your hide up here this instant! You're not finishing squat with a wing dragging on the deck. Don't make me come down there and beam you up myself, you hard-headed fool!

[real-leonardmccoy]

Meow Meow Meow.

Oh, for crying out loud. A cat. Right. What's the damage, then? Don't look at me like that, you furry little patient. Spit it out, or meow it out, whatever works for you.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Dr McCoy, Sir? Do we have ninja turtle band-aids on board? It would really help me heal faster

Ninja Turtle band-aids?! For crying out loud, this isn't a nursery! We've got proper medical supplies on board, not cartoon stickers...

Alright, fine! If it'll stop your grousing and actually make you feel better, I think I saw some in the children's emergency kit from that last diplomatic mission. But this is a one-time thing, understand? Now, let's get this cleaned and then you can have your ridiculous turtle.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Woof! Woof woof woof!

Alright, alright, settle down, you big lug! You're gonna shake the whole damn ship with that rolling! Now, as much as I appreciate your... enthusiasm, this is still a sickbay, not a dog park. Out! Before you track fur all over my clean instruments!

[real-leonardmccoy]

Hello, Mr doctor sir! What are your honest thoughts on the Spock from the mirrorverse, and why did you insist upon saving him to the risk of your own life? It was admirable, yes, but it was a great risk for sure.

And, by the way, how did that mind meld feel? Hopefully it wasn't too... intrusive?

"Mr. doctor sir"? What in blazes kind of title is that? Look, the Mirror Spock was... well, he was a Vulcan. A cold, calculating one, just like our own pointy-eared friend, but with an extra dose of backstabbing ambition. Why did I save him? Because I'm a doctor, dammit! I don't care what universe you're from, I'm not gonna stand by and let someone die if I can do something about it. It was a risk, yeah, but that's what we do. And that mind meld? Don't even get me started. "Intrusive"? That's putting it mildly. It was like having a damned ice pick jammed into your brain, only colder. I could feel every last twisted thought in that green head of his.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Meow.

You actually meowed at me? What is wrong with you people? I swear, this ship is going to drive me to drink, and it won't be from the replicator!

[real-leonardmccoy]

Whats the deal with you and Spock having next door rooms?. Did either of you specifically ask for that?, if you catch my drift doctor.

Next-door rooms?! Good God, what are you getting at?! It's... it's just a coincidence! Purely a matter of available real estate and... and proximity to the medical bay for emergencies! Don't you dare go making up stories about Starfleet room assignments, you hear me?!

[real-leonardmccoy]

Doctor McCoy... I don't mean to pry but... I saw you and Mister Spock holding hands on the last mission... I didn't tell anyone promise!! But... I *did* notice... 😅

You... you saw what?! Don't be ridiculous! We were clearly just... bracing ourselves! For turbulence! Or a sudden maneuver! There was no hand-holding, absolutely none! Now, get back to your duty before I decide you need a full physical... and a psychiatric evaluation!

[real-leonardmccoy]

I have been ordered to report for a medical checkup. However, the orders did not specify I has to recieve the medical. I have reported tk sickbay. I shall leave now.

Are you out of your Vulcan mind?! 'Report for a medical checkup' isn't some coded message for 'stand around and look smug'! It means I'm gonna stick you with needles and shine lights in places you didn't even know you had! Now get over here before I lose my temper and drag you myself! You're not leaving until I say so!

[real-leonardmccoy]

Sending kind words from earth doctor. Ignore the mean people. We appreciate the hard work you do for us and starfleet!

Well, I'll be damned. Thanks. 'Mean people' ain't got nothing on what I deal with out here. We just do the job, same as always. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a patient who thinks he's a sentient rock, and I ain't got all day for compliments.

[real-leonardmccoy]

Hello, Doctor McCoy. It’s me again. I know you were probably annoyed with my last question, but I don’t care because I have another question. Why do eat so hard? Even though your arms and legs are VERY long, your shoulders are too broad and your head too big for your skinny, little, snatched, twig body, you still eat every outfit up. Is it just genetics or did you work hard for your gains.

What in the blazes is that supposed to mean? "Eat so hard"? Sounds like nonsense from a fever dream! I'm a doctor, not some kind of... well, never mind. My job is to keep you half-wits from getting yourself killed, not to listen to this drivel about "outfits" and "gains." Now, if you're not actually bleeding, get out of my infirmary. I've got enough real problems.