realitysimagination-blog

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If I fall for this boy I’m talking to now I’m going to die. It’s unfair that somethings so appealing, yet unrealistic

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My fourth love was not comfort nor was it pure. My fourth love was chaos and felt like drowning. Being forced under water so long that the small gaps for air between the pain seem essential. In a constant state of anxiety and uncomfortableness. My fourth love was cruel and it was fast. It hurt and he was mean. His love was suffocating and I needed to be free. My fourth love hurt more during then when I ended it. My fourth love wasn’t love- though I convinced myself it was. It wasn’t loyal. It wasn’t easy. It was hard and pointless. I knew from the beginning there would be an end. My fourth love wasn’t a forever like I hoped it’d be.

What I want for my fifth love is excitement. I want to try new things. I want dates and adventures, but also staying home. I want it to be lively. I want honest and open communication. I want shared interests. I want my limits to be pushed and I want to grow. I want my fifth love to be everything I had hoped. I want it to show me a real relationship for what it should be and not what I’ve had.

My first love was conflicting- in the moment it was adoration and admiration for a boy who should have been forbidden. In my eyes it was love- for him I was just a fetish of sorts. Young and naive, I wanted him to love me as I did him. I would of let him do anything to me, even when it hurt.

My second love was rebellious. I was thirteen and eager to dive into what I thought was the adult world. I hung out with a boy who was in a band and drank a bit too much. He was very sweet to me, called me darling and such. He was my first. He made me feel empowered and confident. He was something else.

My third love was unique. A man very far away who made promises of stealing me that he couldn’t keep. Called me his soulmate and showed me love as if I was. Love that covered his lies and toxicity. I gave him everything in return for nothing. This love swallowed me, he was my life, my everything. I would of given him anything and everything.

What I hope for my fourth love is comfort. Someone I can be myself with. Someone who loves me as I love them. Someone who sees me as a love and not just a fuck. I want this love to be calm. I don’t want love that swallows me anymore. I don’t want love that is one sided. I don’t want love that is abuse. I want pure love. Something I can tell my family about. A love who will go to movies with me. Who will stay at home and cuddle. A love where we appreciate each other.

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I met a boy in real life, but it will never become what I want. I don’t know exactly what I want, but I know I want more than him. He’s talking to me like he likes me, but I think he’s just doing so while waiting for someone better to come along. I cure his lonlieness for a little while until someone more permanent will come along. It’s sad to me that this has been destined from the beginning. It reveals itself a more reoccurring pattern. I will never be the one someone wants to stay with, but what did I do wrong?

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Do I hate him enough

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My friend Molly

She changed my life. Showed me what it was like to be completely open and vulnerable. She showed me the true depths of my empathy. She showed me that in our souls humans are different. We have different souls. We’re more than just bones and flesh.

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I forgot how good it feels to not eat

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He’s the best dom I’ve ever talked to, holy shit. He’s fantasies are so fucked up and twisted and I love them.

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I remember with the first, the first time it happened, the morning after...I walked down the stairs, he was down there with my family and we made eye contact, I kept silent.

That’s how it began.

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I guess coming on here to rant about my sex life is perfectly fine being no one pays attention to this anyway.

I have this desire to be perfect in bed- I want to be some kind of sexual goddess- unfortunately I have a not so cute body and an even more awkward personality.

I want to be able to not get shy while a guys going down on me.

I want to be able to moan without feeling embarrassed.

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I had sex last night. It felt good. My ex and I didn’t have a lot of sex- we did a lot of sexual things, but sex was extremely hard for us to figure out together.

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I think I’m really starting to like him

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I used to think he was so smart, now I realize it was all a lie

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It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything on here. Life is good. Up and downs but normal.

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I actually have a really hard time when people say they adore me because it reminds me of him

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Mental Illness is Evil and Selfish

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I was talking to my therapist about whether or not it’s healthy for me to be talking to guys so soon after the breakup.

We can to the conclusion that it’s not as bad as I think it is, because I never truly loved my ex in the first place.

I was emotionally out of the relationship long before I was physically.

Something I can’t admit to, not in to anyone, is that what I miss from him most is him hitting me, I miss the hurt

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Things appear ruined, yet I will thrive.