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[realizations-life]

The reason I don’t mind being single is that nothing is missing from my life.

A relationship would be a very welcome and enjoyable added bonus but not having one doesn’t mean my life is lacking in any way.

Yes, I fantasise about being in love and walking around the city with a guy or going to movies or doing whatever people in love do. But what girl who grew up reading tacky teen romance novels doesn’t?

I still love my life wholeheartedly and the things that it’s filled with; music, my friends, books, walks around my neighbourhood in the rain, going to bars and staying out all night laughing and dancing and the pride I feel getting into bed knowing I didn’t have a sip of alcohol, celebrating birthdays, calls with my grandma, funny texts from my parents, cigarettes with my mum when she pretends she hates that I smoke with her, bumping into people in the most random of places, meeting new people and becoming friends, my garden, my flat, my duvet, FaceTime calls with my best friend that last all day, my cowboy boots.. the list goes on.

Because life is a wonderful thing and my life is wonderful and nothing is missing from it at all; there are only things to be added.

[realizations-life]

For so long, two and a half years to be exact, I hoped that I would get a second chance with him. I pictured bumping into him, dating him, even marrying him. When I was on tube platforms or tube trains I pictured him stood there or sat opposite me, getting on at a stop and me looking up and seeing him there. It’s funny that when it really did happen it was on a tube platform. My tube platform. “Not a drill” I text my best friend. It really happened. Just as I had imagined (only in my imagination I wasn’t hungover, late for work and wearing a weird outfit). 

For so long I hoped that I would get to be held by him, kiss him, laugh with him, look into his eyes and watch the corners crinkle when he smiled at me in that way he does. Then suddenly, one day, I’m sat next to him in a pub. Walking through the Boltons with him holding me and stopping to kiss me and looking me in that way he does so so well. We’re on my sofa, in my bed, we’re laughing and he’s holding me. I look to the side of the bed that I have looked to so many times, imagining him to be there, and he actually is. Just as I had hoped. 

Yet, still, I am hoping. Hoping that we will be together. Or even just hoping he’ll call me back, make an actual plan to see me instead of just the ‘maybe’ vague plans he’s made thus far. Hoping he’ll text me back and, after 3 days, not being sure he will whilst knowing he will eventually; though never really being sure. 

At what point do I decide that it isn’t enough? He’s busy, he likes me but his work and his friends are his focus. The little time that he does have leftover is reserved for video games and ‘messing about with the boys’. Not for me. At what point do I call it? 

The plan is to tell him that if this is how it’s going to be then I’m going to have to walk away for now. I deserve better, I want more.  But will I really be able to look into those eyes, see that smile, see everything I have imagined stood in front of me, the hope in human form and say it? 

I guess we’ll find out. 

Either I let him go and he comes back or I let him go and I lose him forever. 

Is it better to lose him knowing that I set boundaries and had enough respect for myself to know what I deserve and stand by it or to have him, just in whatever form he will allow me to have? 

[realizations-life]

I THINK I CAN SAY, WITH COMPLETE CERTAINTY, THAT THERE HAVE BEEN MORE DAYS THAT I’VE CRIED THAN DAYS THAT I HAVEN’T IN MY LIFE.

[realizations-life]

my life is so rich and I love it.

[realizations-life]

I wish I pressed myself into him a little harder. Lingered in his arms just a little longer. Looked into his eyes for more than just a glance; and stood in that doorway for just a few more seconds of what was probably the last time ever.

[realizations-life]

Today is one of those days where I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to sit with myself in my head. I just want to disappear. Nothing feels enough yet everything is too much.

[realizations-life]

I think I’m depressed again..

[realizations-life]

I don’t know what I’m feeling.

[realizations-life]

Some people are strong and some people are weak.  I'm weak.

[realizations-life]

There’s so much in this world in this life in this existence.

It’s too much.

Too much for me to bear.. it all fills my head all at once and it’s too overwhelming for me to handle.

[realizations-life]

I don’t understand it. I feel like I’m completely different to how I was before I met you. Like when I met you something changed. Like my life only began when I met you.

I feel like I just see the world so completely differently since the first day I met you and the last day I saw you.

[realizations-life]

My life was so much better with you in it.

I was fine before I met you but then after you, I’m just trudging through this boring existence.

Time goes on and life goes on regardless but it’s not the same without you. Everything seems so dull now.. compared to memories with you.

Even if all we ever did was hang out in your apartment and have sex and cuddle and laugh and listen to music and go to the pub and for walks; my life is so much less interesting without you in it.

Everything else has moved on and it’s all the exact same as if we had never met.

But we did.

And it was great.

And now I can’t live my life without remembering the fireworks that were you; in the dull night sky that is my life.

[realizations-life]

I hope when he wears that beanie he thinks of me.

But I’ll never know if he does.

He probably doesn’t.

[realizations-life]

I was at some random event and I wasn’t having a good time but then I thought of you and how we always spoke about going to an event together and then all I could do was picture you and being there with you and dancing with you and looking into your eyes and then I started to have a good time.

I miss you.

[realizations-life]

I want to die.

I don’t want to live anymore.

I just can’t do it anymore.

But that’s not an option. I can’t do that. I know things will get better, at least for a while, but the pain is too much to bear.

[realizations-life]

I went skating again tonight but it didn't bring me joy. As I skated home, I had a feeling that it was going to be one of those nights where I want to give up. Now I’m smoking a cigarette out of my window even though I haven't in so long and it’s bad for my concussion. I’ve been trying so hard but there’s just so much pain inside of me.

[realizations-life]

So yes, everything is in the past, however, because of what happened in the past, he isn't in my present. So I guess I've just got to get him into my present?