reallyfakemo

[reallyfakemo]

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…I could walk through my garden forever.”

— Alfred Tennyson

[reallyfakemo]

the swiftification of cillian murphy

[reallyfakemo]

October 6th, 2023, Dante Émile

[reallyfakemo]

If ever two were one, then surely we.

Anne Bradstreet, from ‘To My Dear and Loving Husband’

[reallyfakemo]

This is so silly it ended awhile ago definitely feelings still there but not right now at all. Been thinking about 14 a lot and it’s been hard. I have to keep reeling myself back in and saying whether or not that was what I want love to be or not.

I really don’t know anymore

I’m not trying to go back into the hole that I constantly find myself in time after time. Surprisingly enough this time I don’t even feel the need or desire to do so. I just have in the back of my mind this prevalent feeling as though I will like I usually tend to find myself in. However this time it feels like this numbness like anything I’m doing is even what I actually want to do. I can’t say that I am extremely sad maybe I’m just falling into this deep strong sense of  disappointment. Disappointed in myself, 14, my friends, my life. I have kissed three people in a romantic sexual way through the duration of our relationship (he knows about one of them) and have literally expressed to another person all of 14′s faults and my extreme desire to leave and cuddled and touched. This doesn’t feel like the spectacular now or Okay? okay…. This feels more like the marriage story or six years where I am discontented in where I’m at and wont do anything about it until it explodes in both of our faces. Not one of those humans that I have expressed attention to have made me feel at all close to how 14 has made me feel not even for a second or blink of time. I have never admired a person in the way that I have admired 14 and I never want to. The memories we have shared feel so true, real and just everything. Like I look back and somewhere in my mind I say that I was extremely happy but I also can look back and know that I wasn’t entirely. I don’t know if the answer is right in front of my face or that it’s down the road and will take a little while longer which is fine. I just feel so confused and conflicted. I see all these signs that I should stay and I am extremely happy when I am with him however as soon as we are a part for a little while I find that sadness feeling towards him. I have literally sat and googled diagnosis for myself to have some reason to feel so incompetent and down however I feel like this weight is the making of what I have cultivated. I just want to run away like run so far away but my problems always follow me. Seems as though this time my problems that used to be so constant aren’t there such as self harm, eating disorder, using promiscuous behavior to hurt myself. If i’ve done something it’s because I really really wanted to do it no regret no guilt. Just more that i’m upset that I did do it because it means that i’m not satisfied in my relationship not really that I am hurting my relationship. I also am becoming really worried I don’t even want sex like actually at all with anyone. I want to lay in bed and just feel that other person’s presence and play with their hair and hold each other. Like thinking about sex for me right now is thinking about a fucking sandwich like I can see the appeal but its not doing anything for me in this moment right now. I really want lava lamp but I am so confused in what way. I don’t want him sad on the sidelines but I don’t really want to go toe to toe either. I have so far learned to like him more and more but still I don’t feel at all this crazy spark. Like I didn’t even want to kiss him. I really think he is just and only a friend that’s all I want but also some cuddles and deep conversations and holds. I just want him in my life forever.

[reallyfakemo]

So update I love him. We done did the deed. It was the first time in my life where I didn’t feel gross and used in some sort of way the first time with someone. I was pretty drunk and kept having to stop and he was just so affectionate and sweet and was down for whatever I was down for. HE LASTED 3 HOURS WTF. I have never before experienced that type of madness for real for real. Okay but before that he came Friday morning which I wasn’t expecting and brought all of the sweetest things and a note that literally made me sob. I love the way he looks at me and the way he holds me and the way he kisses omg. I have never felt so beautiful and valued before the sky looks different with him. I don’t know if this is my mania but I feel like he was sent my way, the universe feels as if I deserve something like him so guess what imma take it. I mean not dating dating for a couple of years, but I can see it happening. He is just so sweet he tells me things ive waited so long to hear like he thinks im just good and special. I can’t its too much. I don’t wanna ruin it, I can’t. But also i’m like I just got out of a four year relationship actually not officially in a few hours ill be able to say that.  have never felt this comfortable and valued everrrrr. I really like him tbh idk what else to say I think I do know now :)

I really don’t know anymore

I’m not trying to go back into the hole that I constantly find myself in time after time. Surprisingly enough this time I don’t even feel the need or desire to do so. I just have in the back of my mind this prevalent feeling as though I will like I usually tend to find myself in. However this time it feels like this numbness like anything I’m doing is even what I actually want to do. I can’t say that I am extremely sad maybe I’m just falling into this deep strong sense of  disappointment. Disappointed in myself, 14, my friends, my life. I have kissed three people in a romantic sexual way through the duration of our relationship (he knows about one of them) and have literally expressed to another person all of 14′s faults and my extreme desire to leave and cuddled and touched. This doesn’t feel like the spectacular now or Okay? okay…. This feels more like the marriage story or six years where I am discontented in where I’m at and wont do anything about it until it explodes in both of our faces. Not one of those humans that I have expressed attention to have made me feel at all close to how 14 has made me feel not even for a second or blink of time. I have never admired a person in the way that I have admired 14 and I never want to. The memories we have shared feel so true, real and just everything. Like I look back and somewhere in my mind I say that I was extremely happy but I also can look back and know that I wasn’t entirely. I don’t know if the answer is right in front of my face or that it’s down the road and will take a little while longer which is fine. I just feel so confused and conflicted. I see all these signs that I should stay and I am extremely happy when I am with him however as soon as we are a part for a little while I find that sadness feeling towards him. I have literally sat and googled diagnosis for myself to have some reason to feel so incompetent and down however I feel like this weight is the making of what I have cultivated. I just want to run away like run so far away but my problems always follow me. Seems as though this time my problems that used to be so constant aren’t there such as self harm, eating disorder, using promiscuous behavior to hurt myself. If i’ve done something it’s because I really really wanted to do it no regret no guilt. Just more that i’m upset that I did do it because it means that i’m not satisfied in my relationship not really that I am hurting my relationship. I also am becoming really worried I don’t even want sex like actually at all with anyone. I want to lay in bed and just feel that other person’s presence and play with their hair and hold each other. Like thinking about sex for me right now is thinking about a fucking sandwich like I can see the appeal but its not doing anything for me in this moment right now. I really want lava lamp but I am so confused in what way. I don’t want him sad on the sidelines but I don’t really want to go toe to toe either. I have so far learned to like him more and more but still I don’t feel at all this crazy spark. Like I didn’t even want to kiss him. I really think he is just and only a friend that’s all I want but also some cuddles and deep conversations and holds. I just want him in my life forever.

[reallyfakemo]

“When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed.”

— Unknown

[reallyfakemo]

ughhh i wanna be toxic so bad

ainslie hogarth motherthing

kofi

[reallyfakemo]

“I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.”

— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

[reallyfakemo]

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver

[reallyfakemo]

I like want a relationship thats more than friends but less than commited commited because you get all the fun parts where you just learn about someone but not all the mess that comes with it. I think that sometimes I forget that there’s another person in the relationship because I want it so exactly the way I want it no more no less and it makes me upset when it’s not exactly like that. ALSO Lavalamp broke his lavalamp and also he told me that at the gym he kissed my cheek and I literally just told him to shut up bahahah wtf. I feel so mean to him sometimes and then I get so hurt because when i’m mean hes mean right back. Which I kinda like and not in like he falls into my game it’s like he just doesnt play that shit. I think I don’t find him like crazy hot but like he’s hot in so many ways.... he literally sends money home to take care of his mom, so she doesn’t have to work. That is the hottest thing tbh. 

I really don’t know anymore

I’m not trying to go back into the hole that I constantly find myself in time after time. Surprisingly enough this time I don’t even feel the need or desire to do so. I just have in the back of my mind this prevalent feeling as though I will like I usually tend to find myself in. However this time it feels like this numbness like anything I’m doing is even what I actually want to do. I can’t say that I am extremely sad maybe I’m just falling into this deep strong sense of  disappointment. Disappointed in myself, 14, my friends, my life. I have kissed three people in a romantic sexual way through the duration of our relationship (he knows about one of them) and have literally expressed to another person all of 14′s faults and my extreme desire to leave and cuddled and touched. This doesn’t feel like the spectacular now or Okay? okay…. This feels more like the marriage story or six years where I am discontented in where I’m at and wont do anything about it until it explodes in both of our faces. Not one of those humans that I have expressed attention to have made me feel at all close to how 14 has made me feel not even for a second or blink of time. I have never admired a person in the way that I have admired 14 and I never want to. The memories we have shared feel so true, real and just everything. Like I look back and somewhere in my mind I say that I was extremely happy but I also can look back and know that I wasn’t entirely. I don’t know if the answer is right in front of my face or that it’s down the road and will take a little while longer which is fine. I just feel so confused and conflicted. I see all these signs that I should stay and I am extremely happy when I am with him however as soon as we are a part for a little while I find that sadness feeling towards him. I have literally sat and googled diagnosis for myself to have some reason to feel so incompetent and down however I feel like this weight is the making of what I have cultivated. I just want to run away like run so far away but my problems always follow me. Seems as though this time my problems that used to be so constant aren’t there such as self harm, eating disorder, using promiscuous behavior to hurt myself. If i’ve done something it’s because I really really wanted to do it no regret no guilt. Just more that i’m upset that I did do it because it means that i’m not satisfied in my relationship not really that I am hurting my relationship. I also am becoming really worried I don’t even want sex like actually at all with anyone. I want to lay in bed and just feel that other person’s presence and play with their hair and hold each other. Like thinking about sex for me right now is thinking about a fucking sandwich like I can see the appeal but its not doing anything for me in this moment right now. I really want lava lamp but I am so confused in what way. I don’t want him sad on the sidelines but I don’t really want to go toe to toe either. I have so far learned to like him more and more but still I don’t feel at all this crazy spark. Like I didn’t even want to kiss him. I really think he is just and only a friend that’s all I want but also some cuddles and deep conversations and holds. I just want him in my life forever.

[reallyfakemo]

Also, Ill mention how great fuckin A,N was. It felt so easy and natural, there’s like no pressure. I mean I do want to look good and cute but not in a like oh man he thinks I'm so ugly I’m not good enough kind of way more like yay I look cute and I’m on his arm. It’s fun. We are literally such good friends omg its sooooo funnn. Also, the back massages are fuckin to die for literally. Also, I have never been so (What does water make things) and them not touch me sexually like what. The way he holds me it’s crazy it’s hard because everything is compared to 14 at the moment and he did hold me sweetly and was generous and patient. But this felt important because I didn’t feel gross or like ewe get off of me or like only wanted them in this highly sexual way. 

I really don’t know anymore

I’m not trying to go back into the hole that I constantly find myself in time after time. Surprisingly enough this time I don’t even feel the need or desire to do so. I just have in the back of my mind this prevalent feeling as though I will like I usually tend to find myself in. However this time it feels like this numbness like anything I’m doing is even what I actually want to do. I can’t say that I am extremely sad maybe I’m just falling into this deep strong sense of  disappointment. Disappointed in myself, 14, my friends, my life. I have kissed three people in a romantic sexual way through the duration of our relationship (he knows about one of them) and have literally expressed to another person all of 14′s faults and my extreme desire to leave and cuddled and touched. This doesn’t feel like the spectacular now or Okay? okay…. This feels more like the marriage story or six years where I am discontented in where I’m at and wont do anything about it until it explodes in both of our faces. Not one of those humans that I have expressed attention to have made me feel at all close to how 14 has made me feel not even for a second or blink of time. I have never admired a person in the way that I have admired 14 and I never want to. The memories we have shared feel so true, real and just everything. Like I look back and somewhere in my mind I say that I was extremely happy but I also can look back and know that I wasn’t entirely. I don’t know if the answer is right in front of my face or that it’s down the road and will take a little while longer which is fine. I just feel so confused and conflicted. I see all these signs that I should stay and I am extremely happy when I am with him however as soon as we are a part for a little while I find that sadness feeling towards him. I have literally sat and googled diagnosis for myself to have some reason to feel so incompetent and down however I feel like this weight is the making of what I have cultivated. I just want to run away like run so far away but my problems always follow me. Seems as though this time my problems that used to be so constant aren’t there such as self harm, eating disorder, using promiscuous behavior to hurt myself. If i’ve done something it’s because I really really wanted to do it no regret no guilt. Just more that i’m upset that I did do it because it means that i’m not satisfied in my relationship not really that I am hurting my relationship. I also am becoming really worried I don’t even want sex like actually at all with anyone. I want to lay in bed and just feel that other person’s presence and play with their hair and hold each other. Like thinking about sex for me right now is thinking about a fucking sandwich like I can see the appeal but its not doing anything for me in this moment right now. I really want lava lamp but I am so confused in what way. I don’t want him sad on the sidelines but I don’t really want to go toe to toe either. I have so far learned to like him more and more but still I don’t feel at all this crazy spark. Like I didn’t even want to kiss him. I really think he is just and only a friend that’s all I want but also some cuddles and deep conversations and holds. I just want him in my life forever.

[reallyfakemo]

It's so funny reading this because it felt so heavy and hard just a month ago. It just shows how some things change and somethings don’t. All in the end it’s okay, definitely definitely scary but it’s okay. I was talking to lava lamp not last night but the night before and it felt as though it was the very first time, I had actually seen him. There is this sort of light he holds that I had never noticed before. I had always said 14 had that light but I believe that I just wanted him to. I talked to my therapist, and she pushed me to look at things from a different light, I used to feel so bad and gross about not ever being someone's number one but looking back I wouldn’t ever want to be their number one’s none of them deserved me... ever. I remember looking back now how badly I wanted to make 14 happy how I seriously thought that was my goal in life. That I wasn’t the main character rather the supporting character to the lead that is lost, and I aid in their journey while undermining mine. How noble of me I thought to think that life wasn’t my own. The more and more I tried and tried to do just that I took away from myself violently I again was unworthy. It’s very wild and confusing because I felt as though I knew when I was hurting myself but this time looking back, I had no idea. I don’t think anyone did I hope they didn’t. I’m figuring out lava lamp I do think I could love him; I know I don’t have to decide right now. I don’t think I’ve ever known what it’s been like that someone romantically gives the same energy as I give to them. We were talking the other night and he kept asking me questions and I remember 14 always telling me that I can talk about anything with anyone. I never had someone ask me so many questions in different formats about my day....!!!!>>> WHAT!@#$ Kind of wild and I appreciated that so much, I get worried that i’ll become the 14 in this situation I hope I don’t. PS Lava Lamp is crocheting me fuckin mittens WHAT feel pretty loved right now not even for anything I can offer but like just being me. That feels so good.

I really don’t know anymore

I’m not trying to go back into the hole that I constantly find myself in time after time. Surprisingly enough this time I don’t even feel the need or desire to do so. I just have in the back of my mind this prevalent feeling as though I will like I usually tend to find myself in. However this time it feels like this numbness like anything I’m doing is even what I actually want to do. I can’t say that I am extremely sad maybe I’m just falling into this deep strong sense of  disappointment. Disappointed in myself, 14, my friends, my life. I have kissed three people in a romantic sexual way through the duration of our relationship (he knows about one of them) and have literally expressed to another person all of 14′s faults and my extreme desire to leave and cuddled and touched. This doesn’t feel like the spectacular now or Okay? okay…. This feels more like the marriage story or six years where I am discontented in where I’m at and wont do anything about it until it explodes in both of our faces. Not one of those humans that I have expressed attention to have made me feel at all close to how 14 has made me feel not even for a second or blink of time. I have never admired a person in the way that I have admired 14 and I never want to. The memories we have shared feel so true, real and just everything. Like I look back and somewhere in my mind I say that I was extremely happy but I also can look back and know that I wasn’t entirely. I don’t know if the answer is right in front of my face or that it’s down the road and will take a little while longer which is fine. I just feel so confused and conflicted. I see all these signs that I should stay and I am extremely happy when I am with him however as soon as we are a part for a little while I find that sadness feeling towards him. I have literally sat and googled diagnosis for myself to have some reason to feel so incompetent and down however I feel like this weight is the making of what I have cultivated. I just want to run away like run so far away but my problems always follow me. Seems as though this time my problems that used to be so constant aren’t there such as self harm, eating disorder, using promiscuous behavior to hurt myself. If i’ve done something it’s because I really really wanted to do it no regret no guilt. Just more that i’m upset that I did do it because it means that i’m not satisfied in my relationship not really that I am hurting my relationship. I also am becoming really worried I don’t even want sex like actually at all with anyone. I want to lay in bed and just feel that other person’s presence and play with their hair and hold each other. Like thinking about sex for me right now is thinking about a fucking sandwich like I can see the appeal but its not doing anything for me in this moment right now. I really want lava lamp but I am so confused in what way. I don’t want him sad on the sidelines but I don’t really want to go toe to toe either. I have so far learned to like him more and more but still I don’t feel at all this crazy spark. Like I didn’t even want to kiss him. I really think he is just and only a friend that’s all I want but also some cuddles and deep conversations and holds. I just want him in my life forever.

[reallyfakemo]

Franz Kafka - Letters to Milena

[reallyfakemo]

Victoria De Angelis

[reallyfakemo]

““We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” - Seneca”

—

[reallyfakemo]