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[thejoeydavis]

Movies of 2017

Every year I write down all the movies I watch and compile it in a long year-end list like this one. Since mid-2016 I’ve used letterboxd.com to keep track of dates and ratings but in 2017 I started recording where I watched each film too (got the idea from Silver Screen Fiend by Patton Oswalt; his list is 4 years and hundreds of movies long). This is about 12,000 words long and it took me a few days to write (and a month to edit apparently) so I don’t really expect anyone to read this all the way through but there are top/bottom 10s and honorable mentions at the bottom if you just want the highlights. Also y’all know these are just my opinions right? Feel free to discuss movies you also saw last year or maybe even give some recommendations if you want to. My watchlist is about 500 movies long and I’m always adding to it. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you in a year.

116 movies in 2017

January – 11

February – 5

March – 3

April – 4

May – 8

June – 10

July – 12

August – 15

September – 17

October – 6

November – 9

December – 16

1/1 – Hell or High Water (2016) – 8 – Home (Ridgecrest) – Directed by David Mackenzie – Written by Taylor Sheridan – Dirty, gritty, and full of brotherly bank robbing, Hell or High Water is a thrilling and morbid look at the lower class rural communities that America is leaving behind and the lengths to which some will go to provide for their families. The line between good and bad is muddled as the exploited seek to take back from the exploiters and as the law (Jeff Bridges) slowly closes in on them. Really exciting and moving film with great performances all around. Highly recommended if you liked Sicario (the darker and more thrilling version of this movie, also written by Taylor Sheridan) or if you like the atmosphere and/or flavor of crime unique to the American Southwest.

1/2 – Frances Ha (2012) – 10 – Home – Directed by Noah Baumbach – Written by Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig – One of my top 5 films ever and contender for coziest film of all time, Frances Ha is arguably Noah Baumbach’s magnum opus. This film has been both praised and criticized for its mumblecore-esque dialogue, “quirky” characters, and the seemingly meandering plot in its 86-minute runtime. To enjoy this you really need to be able to empathize with the plight of these privileged white kids in their late 20s as they try to find direction in an inherently directionless time in life. It’s not a film for everyone but it’s everything to the people for whom it resonates. It seems to have a permanent stay on Netflix too so check it out if you have an hour and a half to spare. Also it has Adam Driver playing a privileged art kid living in Manhattan.

1/10 – La La Land (2016) – 9 – Cinemark Lancaster – Directed by Damien Chazelle – Written by Damien Chazelle – “Jacques Demy for the digital age.” If you like LA, golden-age Hollywood musicals, theatre, jazz, Ryan Gosling, and/or Emma Stone then you’ll like this movie. The non-musical parts tend to drag a bit, especially toward the last half of the film, but it’s amazing that movies like this still get released (even if it’s just a huge love-letter to Hollywood).

1/12 – Spirited Away (2001) – 9 – Home – Directed by Hayao Miyazaki – Written by Hayao Miyazaki – A classic that oozes with charm and has some of the best world-building and character designs I’ve ever seen. It receives a lot of praise and deserves every bit of it.

1/13 – Blue Ruin (2013) – 8 – Home – Directed by Jeremy Saulnier – Written by Jeremy Saulnier – An amazing and gruesome thriller from the same guy who made Green Room. If you get tired of protagonists seemingly always knowing what to do or only encountering minor setbacks placed there simply because they need to be there then I feel like you’ll like this movie. The revenger must often deal with obstacles he creates himself and that’s where much of the tension and excitement comes from (but don’t take my word for it since I haven’t seen it in a year). Is very good film though.

1/16 – Prisoners (2013) – 8 – Home – Directed by Denis Villeneuve – Written by Aaron Guzikowski – A slow burn suspense thriller about Hugh Jackman’s daughter being kidnapped and Jake Gyllenhaal having to find her. This movie is extremely fucked up and it could’ve been amazing if not for some parts toward the end that feel rushed. It’s definitely worth your time though, everything by Villeneuve is.

1/17 – Ratatouille (2007) – 8 – Home – Directed by Brad Bird and Jan Pinkava – Written by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, and Brad Bird – Probably my favorite Pixar movie. The music, voice acting, designs, writing, etc are all great obviously since this is pre-shitty Pixar (though hopefully the slump is over what with Coco’s success and Incredibles II coming soon).

~Spring Semester 2017~

1/22 – Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – 10– Oak (Chico home) – Directed by Steven Spielberg – Written by Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas, and Philip Kaufman – The best Indiana Jones movie and arguably the greatest action/adventure film of all time. Hell, it’s one of the greatest movies of all time. The pacing (understandably) takes a hit after the basket chase and no one remembers the u-boat scene but otherwise it’s perfect.

1/22 – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) – 7 – Oak – Directed by Steven Spielberg – Written by Willard Huyck, Gloria Katz, and George Lucas – The worst of the original Indy trilogy but still good. Darker than Raiders but somehow cheesier than Crusade, and that’s not even mentioning the casual racism, although you could definitely argue that it’s being racist to satirize the serials of the 1930s. Or maybe it’s just racist because it was the 80s.

1/23 – Silence (2016) – 8 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Martin Scorsese – Written by Jay Cocks, Shûsaku Endô, and Martin Scorsese – This movie is long and completely joyless; a two and a half hour slog of Christian missionaries being tortured and killed in horrific ways that make you question faith and the lengths to which some will go to do what they believe is right, no matter the suffering it may cause. This film is great because it’s Scorsese but don’t expect good vibes.

1/25 – Split (2016) – 5 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by M. Night Shyamalan – Written by M. Night Shyamalan – Terribly overrated, depressing, and lame. If you do decide to see this, make sure you watch M Night’s good movies first since this is a sequel and the “twist” of this one is basically a huge fuck you to anyone who didn’t. James McAvoy was amazing but it’s pretty much the only worthwhile thing about this.

2/9 – Frances Ha (2012) – 10 – Nord (old Chico apartment) – Directed by Noah Baumbach – Written by Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig – Fun fact, this was my most watched movie in 2017.

2/9 – Captain Fantastic (2016) – 8 – Nord – Directed by Matt Ross – Written by Matt Ross – There are pacing issues but this movie is a solid 8/10. Wonderfully heartfelt performances, lovable characters, and a beautiful story. The poster makes it look like a Wes Anderson / Little Miss Sunshine rip off but it’s not that at all. Definitely check this one out.

2/10 – 20th Century Women (2016) – 9 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Mike Mills – Written by Mike Mills – Oh wow I love this movie. So so so so good. This coming of age story is about Annette Bening, Elle Fanning, Greta Gerwig, Lucas Jade Zumann, and Dr. Manhattan living in Santa Barbara in the late 70s just living their lives. It’s nostalgic and it’s beautiful and please see this.

2/15 – Superbad (2007) – 8 – Nord – Directed by Greg Mottola – Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg – A true classic. I watched this for the first time on an iPod Nano in 2008 and had to be real sneaky about it because I knew my parents wouldn’t let me watch it. Definitely a defining film of the 2000s and one that’ll be remembered fondly.

2/15 – Knowing (2009) – 5 – Nord – Directed by Alex Proyas – Written by Ryne Douglas Pearson, Juliet Snowden, and Stiles White – This movie combines an interesting premise with some seriously disturbing disaster visuals and a not-the-worst performance from our boy Nic Cage. I actually really enjoy this movie and aside from pacing/writing issues and a questionable ending it's not even that bad.

3/12 – Kong: Skull Island (2017) – 5 – AMC Disneyland – Directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts – Starring Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, Brie Larson, John Goodman, and John C. Reilly – This movie is a total schlock-fest and it’s fun as hell. Super fun action, cool creature designs, a dope setting, and John C Reilly is a god among men. On the flip side, the first 20 minutes kind of suck, the pacing is INSANE, the characterization is terrible, and the love-story was half-assedly shoehorned in but if you like over-the-top ridiculous bullshit then you’ll fucking love this movie because that’s all it is.

3/17 – Hot Rod (2007) – 7 – Home – Directed by Akiva Schaffer – Written by Pam Brady – One of the best comedies of the 2000s. Legitimately hilarious and super well written. Cool beans.

3/19 – Midnight in Paris (2011) – 5 – Oak – Directed by Woody Allen – Written by Woody Allen – I used to love Midnight in Paris but upon re-watch I noticed there are really just a few excellent scenes surrounded by terribly lazy writing. I love the themes and the depictions of the modernists but the writing is typical phoned in Woody Allen bullshit. Woody Allen retire bitch.

4/1 – The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004) – 9 – Nord – Directed by Wes Anderson – Written by Noah Baumbach and Wes Anderson – Starring Bill Murray, Anjelica Huston, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Owen Wilson, and Jeff Goldblum – Gets better every time I watch it. It’s definitely up there with Anderson’s best even though Grand Budapest or Tenenbaum usually overshadows it. Wonderful soundtrack.

4/2 – Get Out (2017) – 8 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Jordan Peele – Written by Jordan Peele – Relevant, funny, and poignant; This only gets better on re-watch because the script is tight as fuck and there are small things that only make sense in hindsight. Also I never realized before but there’s a very good reason the protagonist is a photographer and the thematic significance of black bodies also can’t be ignored. A very well written movie and I can’t wait to see what Jordan Peele has in store for the future.

4/6 – The Discovery (2017) – 5 – Oak – Directed by Charlie McDowell – Written by Charlie McDowell and Justin Lader – The worst Black Mirror episode you could possibly imagine: very interesting premise with a terribly flawed execution. Really it’s just boring and that’s the worst thing it could be. Also why is Jason Segel in this?

4/17 – The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016) – 4 – Nord – Directed by André Øvredal – Written by Ian B. Goldberg and Richard Naing – The first hour was enjoyable and suspenseful but by the end I really didn’t give a shit. Very meh and wastes Emile Hirsch and an ok premise.

5/9 – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) – 6 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by James Gunn – Written by James Gunn – Back in May people were saying this is better than the first Guardians and I have no idea what movie they watched because this is blatantly awful in comparison. 80% of the action scenes are fun and engaging but the other 20% are I-want-to-go-home levels of boring. The emotional moments were certainly much better than the first but the jokes are much worse BY FAR. “Haha nipples haha turds hahaha trash panda huehuehue.” The jokes that land are hilarious but when they fall flat they fall hard. The pacing of this thing is baffling as well with short periods of insane action and long periods of nothing but failed emotion baiting and baby groot being a fool. I sleep. I do think the plot was more interesting than the first and Yondu’s story was awesome but this could have been much better. It wasn’t, but it definitely could’ve been.

5/12 – Don’t Think Twice (2016) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Mike Birbiglia – Written by Mike Birbiglia – Starring Keegan-Michael Key, Gillian Jacobs, Mike Birbiglia, Kate Micucci, and Chris Gethard – This is about a bunch of improv comics struggling with their failures and insecurities in the failing Brooklyn improv scene while one of their troupe makes it big and joins the cast of SNL. I don’t want to say anything else because there’s not much else without spoilers but you should watch this if you like comedy/comedians/improv. Pros: Written by Mike Birbiglia. Cons: Lena Dunham cameo.

5/20 – Possession (1981) – 10 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Andrzej Żuławski – Written by Andrzej Żuławski – This movie is completely insane and it fucking rules. It’s impossible to articulate anything about this movie because it’s a totally evil and fucked up cosmic horror film that relies on atmosphere and makes less sense the closer you look at it. I highly recommend this film but be prepared to leave with a ton of questions and no answers at all.

5/21 – Prometheus (2012) – 6 – Nord – Directed by Ridley Scott – Written by Jon Spaihts and Damon Lindelhof – People give this movie too much shit. I loved this back in 2012 and thought the idea of the engineers creating humanity then coming back and trying to kill them was very interesting. 5 years later I’m not totally sold on the execution but the characters are great despite their stupidity and the premise is a fun exploration into the Alien universe. I re-watched this in preparation for Covenant thinking it would be necessary but no it didn’t matter at all.

5/23 – Alien: Covenant (2017) – 5 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Ridley Scott – Written by Jack Paglen, John Logan, Dante Harper, and Michael Green – “I’ll do the fingering.” This movie is ridiculous. The first 45 minutes or so are great and harken back to a time when Ridley Scott movies weren’t synonymous with schlocky garbage, but then it devolves into typical thoughtless action-horror. Don’t expect any questions from Prometheus to be answered and don’t expect any questions from this one to be answered because by the end of the film nothing matters. Fassbender is far and away the best part of this and the action is really cool if you don’t think about it. Really, both Prometheus and Covenant are good movies if you don’t think about the things that make them bad. Like at least they’re entertaining.

5/24 – I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore (2017) – Nord – Directed by Macon Blair – Written by Macon Blair – Starring Melanie Lynskey and Elijah Wood – A fun Netflix original by Macon Blair, the protagonist of Blue Ruin and Nazi dude in Green Room. This almost seems allegorical in how it depicts those who do violence, those who oppose violence by any means necessary (even going as far as to commit violence themselves), and those who oppose violence regardless of intent or justice. It’s shot pretty well and it’s good to see Elijah Wood and Melanie Lynskey back together again (Over the Garden Wall).

5/24 – The Iron Giant (1999) – 9 – Nord – Directed by Brad Bird – Written by Ted Hughes, Brad Bird, and Tim McCanlies – A classic and a cornerstone of my childhood. One of the best animated films of all time hands down. RIP John Mahoney :(

5/27 – Alien (1979) – 8 – Nord – Directed by Ridley Scott – Written by Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett – I need to watch Alien again because I feel like other people see more in it than I do. It’s great but it’s underwhelming and I expected more from it (didn’t affect my rating). It’s better than the new films but something about it didn’t work for me I guess. I’ll watch it again in 2018.

~Summer~

6/2 – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) – 5 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg – Written by Jeff Nathanson and Terry Rossio – I didn’t hate this movie. Weird pacing in the first half, the plot was much looser than previous Pirates films, and the actual climax with the mcguffin was terrible BUT there were some really cool sequences and great locales/sets. I’d venture a guess that most of the budget for this went to the sets and Johnny Depp. There are really no surprises here and if you liked any of the other Pirates movies you’ll probably enjoy yourself. It’s better than the previous two. Also that one shot with the stars on the island was incredible.

6/3 – Wonder Woman (2017) – 6 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Patty Jenkins – Written by Geoff Johns, Allan Heinberg, Zack Snyder, and Jason Fuchs – The best DCEU film and a cool WWI film but there are MANY problems. Regarding the good; this movie had fun characters, the whole beginning part on the island looked beautiful, and Gal Godot and Chris Pine are wonderful. I also rather liked the first half or so. As for the bad—there’s a lot of it. The framing device is god-awful, the CGI is laughably bad, there’s an HOUR of exposition upfront in which nothing happens, an entire German battleship disappears after they kill 30 guys on the beach and is never brought up again or explained, there’s an overuse of slow mo making the CGI look even worse, every shot off the island (even the ones in broad daylight) look like they were filmed through limo tint, and the third act is a mess. But the biggest problem I have with this film is that Diana never learns from her mistakes and is almost too naïve to be likeable. She’s doing her own thing the whole movie trying to get to Ares specifically and then when the third act comes we realize oh none of it even mattered and Chris Pine is the one who actually saves the day. DC is straight up incompetent.

6/5 – The Void (2016) – 4 – Home – Directed by Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski – Written by Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski  – Cool Lovecraftian themes, some awesome practical creature effects and designs, and seriously disturbing imagery marred by a boring script and wholly uninteresting characters. This could’ve been good if the cosmic horror elements were fleshed out more but this movie is pretty lame as is.

6/6 – Chris Chan Documentary – 6 – Home – Directed by Josh L (Sachumo) – Written and Edited by Josh L (Sachumo) – Christian Weston Chandler (known as “Chris Chan”) is a 33 year old high-functioning autistic internet celebrity/punching bag known for his “countless anti-social episodes and traumatic events in his life. From public outbursts to assault of property and people, these events have eaten away at his very sanity.” I first learned about Chris Chan through memes and people doing impressions of his distinctive voice but I later learned about the man, the meme, the legend and became curious to find out more as many who discover him do. Chris is basically what happens when those with autism or other mental disabilities don’t receive the help they need at an early enough age and then discover the Internet where they find themselves at the mercy of a population disconnected from the consequences of their actions. Chris is probably most well known for his creation of Sonichu, an OC character that is a hybrid between Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu, but he’s probably equally well known for engaging with the trolls who have harassed him for well over a decade. If you’d like to learn more about Chris Chan I recommend checking out this movie, the Chris Chan Documentary: https://youtu.be/bXjnakAlF-s or this Down the Rabbit Hole episode about Chris: https://youtu.be/5IPtLvxO8hs OR the best version; the Chris Chan Lecture: https://youtu.be/vFOIauPQ5XI

6/19 – It Comes at Night (2017) – 7 – Christiana Cinemark Newark, DE – Directed by Trey Edward Shults – Written by Trey Edward Shults – I love the concept of the audience only knowing as much as the characters; it gives the film a sense of immersion you don't get with other horror suspense films. Despite that I don't think this lived up to its potential so it was a bit disappointing imo. They could've done more with it but for what it is I think it's completely fine. I don't think it's fair or sound to judge a movie based on expectations vs. result so I won't do that here but I think they could've gotten away with a little more plot. I'll probably never watch it again but I enjoyed it and would recommend it fur sure, especially if you like what a24 has released previously.

6/19 – Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) – 2 – Hockessin, DE – Directed by Roland Emmerich – Written by Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich, Nicolas Wright, James A. Woods, James Vanderbilt – This movie sucks so bad I purged it from my brain.

6/20 – The Mummy (2017) – 3 – United Artists Philly – Directed by Alex Kurtzman – Written by Christopher McQuarrie, David Koepp, and Dylan Kussman – I didn’t hate this movie but I did get bored around the second or third round of expository monologue. Tonally inconsistent and, at times, what seemed like an inexplicable combination of two different movies. There were the parts about the Jekyll SCP-esque society for containing evil, which I thought was pretty cool, but then there were the parts about the actual mummy, which I couldn’t have cared less about. I think everyone did a fine job here with what they were given except for Jake Johnson whose delivery was ridiculously terrible for some reason lmao

6/29 – Life (2017) – 4 – Home – Directed by Daniel Espinosa – Written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick – Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, and Ryan Reynolds – I literally just wrote a list as I watched so here are the most important thoughts I guess: the score is extremely generic, some really dodgy CGI in places, the characters are idiots, I got bored and looked at the time and there were still 45 minutes left oh god, they refuse to kill the alien even when they have the chance, and my final thought was “glad I didn’t pay money to see this.” I also said “I liked when Calvin smacked into the door like a cartoon.” Haha that part was good. Still better than The Cloverfield Paradox.

6/29 – Crimson Peak (2015) – 8 – Home – Directed by Guillermo del Toro – Written by Matthew Robbins and Guillermo del Toro – The sense of place and atmosphere in this film is remarkable. Some seriously spooky imagery and ghost design and the camera work is delicious. Love the sets, love the performances, and love the genre. Goddamn that’s some good shit right there.

6/30 – The Beguiled (2017) – 9 – Arclight Hollywood – Directed by Sofia Coppola – Written by Thomas Cullinan and Sofia Coppola – Starring Colin Farrell, Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst, and Elle Fanning – Incredible sound design, cinematography, atmosphere, tension, and performances. Most shots could be framed and hung on the wall and every scene had such a thick sense of place you could reach out and grab it. Worst thing were some of the accents at times but god damn everything else was near perfect. It’s downright disgusting how slept on this movie was.

7/3 – Cars 3 (2017) – 7 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Brian Fee – Written by Robert L. Baird, Daniel Gerson, Kiel Murray, Bob Peterson, Mike Rich, Brian Fee, Ben Queen, Jonathon E. Stewart, and Eyal Podell – Here’s my letterboxd review from the day I saw Cars 3: “Never thought I'd be able to empathize so well with anthropomorphized cars. Uh so I really enjoyed this movie and it's much better than Cars 2. Glad they toned town the Mater involvement and when they did include him his jokes landed pretty well so he was actually fun in this one. The pace was lightning fast for the first act but the 2nd and 3rd were pretty good and the climax was pretty intense even though I knew exactly what was going to happen. This movie looks fucking incredible and some of the shots looked close to photorealistic. The lighting especially was so fucking choice dang. Can u tell I love Pixar movies?”

7/6 – The Thing (1982) – 10 – Home – Directed by John Carpenter – Written by Bill Lancaster and John W. Campbell Jr. – Arguably one of the best horror films of all time and a personal favorite of mine. Practical effects are life. It’s just perfect. The second watch later this year has more info about it so read that one too.

7/9 – Despicable Me 3 (2017) – 6 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Kyle Balda and Pierre Coffin – Written by Ken Daurio – This was fun. The animation looked pretty good and Trey Parker was pretty hilarious in every scene he was in, although I couldn't help my cynicism and notice how transparent some of their decisions for this installment were. Dr. Nefario is frozen in carbonate because I'm guessing they couldn't get Russell Brand again and they included a ton of 80s stuff to cash in on the whole stranger things / 80s nostalgia craze. Even with these things in mind they still wrote a more than coherent plot around it so whatever I won't fault them even though they weren't very subtle about it. There were 2-4 separate plots going on at any given time but it worked because it kept the movie flowing well. The minions were ok but they didn't do much. Pacing was pretty good and I was surprised to find out it was only like 1h25m. If you liked the other ones you'll like this one.

7/10 – The Big Sick (2017) – 8 – Ventura Downtown 10 – Directed by Michael Showalter – Written by Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon – Starring Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter, and Ray Romano – Fucking incredible. I used to love comedy—I still do but I used to too—and if you love comedians like I do then you will probably love this film as well. Kumail's story is hilarious as it is heartbreaking and it completely subverts the romantic dramedy format that Apatow films are known for. Someone recently criticized Apatow films for running about 20 mins too long and I definitely felt that with this one too (less so on rewatch). Still works even if it feels a bit overlong. Anyway yeah throw all your fucking money at this film. Stories like these deserve to be told and, most importantly, seen. 1000 congrats to Kumail and everyone else involved.

7/14 – Aliens (1986) – 7 – Home – Directed by James Cameron – Written by James Cameron – I really don’t know why Alien is such a successful franchise. The first Alien is great, Aliens is good but not great, and the rest are shit in comparison. I can barely remember anything about this movie and this isn’t even the first time I’ve seen it. Perhaps it is not for me. All I can remember is Bishop’s knife trick (WHAOOOOOOAOAAOOHHH WHAOOAOAOAOHHHHHH WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHH) and Newt saying “they moostly come at night,, moostly”

7/15 – Baby Driver (2017) – 7 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Edgar Wright – Written by Edgar Wright – Overrated. The deaf representation, synchronized soundtrack, and performances are great but this is the weakest film Edgar Wright has done imo. The pacing is weird and it doesn’t always make sense given the character motivations and also Kevin Spacey is in a movie called baby driver. Kinda forgettable in hindsight.

7/17 – The Big Lebowski (1998) – 10 – Oak – Directed by Joel Coen – Written by Joel and Ethan Coen – Starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, and Philip Seymour Hoffman – A lot of people don’t like this movie and I feel like it’s because the comedy is derived from the characters instead of actual jokes and gags. These people are hilarious and the characterization is absolutely incredible so by the end of the movie you should be completely on board with the chaos that is the Big Lebowski. Absolutely masterful writing and directing because it’s the coen bros.

7/18 – Friday (1995) – 5 – Oak – Directed by F. Gary Gray – Written by DJ Pooh and Ice Cube – Starring Ice Cube and Chris Tucker – This was the first time I watched Friday and now I know where all the annoying piece of shit kids in middle school got all their references. This movie is pretty funny though so I don’t blame em.

7/20 – The Green Inferno (2013) – 3 – Oak – Directed by Eli Roth – Written by Guillermo Amoedo and Eli Roth – This gets worse every time I watch it so why the fuck do I keep watching it. The only thing this movie has going for it (if you can even say that) is that the gore is legitimately fucked up. Honestly this movie would work pretty well if it went the dark and gritty Cannibal Holocaust route but it’s just so ridiculously stupid and tonally inconsistent.

7/22 – Dunkirk 70mm IMAX (2017) – 10 – Ontario 22 – Directed by Christopher Nolan – Written by Christopher Nolan – What I’d imagine a perfect movie looks like. Maybe it’s because I saw this in 70mm IMAX but this film is incredible. It doesn’t feel like it should be but it really is that good. The biggest complaint I’ve seen about this has been about the lack of characterization, which is very obviously not the point of this movie at all and shouldn’t be taken into consideration when critiquing it. The characters are not the point. You don’t need a lull in the action where 5 people gather around a campfire and talk about their lady back home like every single other shitty melodramatic war movie since the beginning of time. This isn’t Saving Private Ryan; it’s fucking Dunkirk. It’s a mad dash through land, sea, and air to survive. It’s tense, it’s moving, and it’s pure suspense and thrills from start to finish. One of the best movies of the year no doubt about it. Seeing it in IMAX was a revelation.

7/23 – Enemy (2013) – 8 – Home – Directed by Denis Villeneuve – Written by José Saramago and Javier Gullón – This movie is crazy. Just watch it without looking up anything about it I promise it’ll be better that way. And make sure you pay attention from start to finish to get the best experience because there’s tons of symbolism (spiders and webs etc). I’d think this would get better on rewatch if the first viewing wasn’t so insane.

7/29 – Dunkirk 70mm IMAX (2017) – 10 – Regal Hacienda Crossings 20 – Directed by Christopher Nolan – Written by Christopher Nolan – It was even better the second time.

8/1 – The Prestige (2006) – 9 – Oak – Directed by Christopher Nolan– Written by Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan, and Christopher Priest – Even though I rated Dunkirk higher I’d say this is Nolan’s best work. Everything has a purpose and everything is important. “Are you watching closely?” Only complaint is that there’s something about this that feels cheesy but that might just be a Nolan thing.

8/2 – Spider-Man 2 (2004) – 6 – Oak – Directed by Sam Raimi – Written by Alvin Sargent and Stan Lee – Not nearly enough Spider-Man in this Spider-Man movie. Also it’s cheesy as hell because 2004.

8/3 – Jackass: The Movie (2002) – 6 – Andrew’s House – Directed by Jeff Tremaine – Written by Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville, and Spike Jonze – Like it or not, jackass is culturally significant and a perfect snapshot of the MTV crowd in the early 2000s. This is my childhood and I’m happy the newer generations are still watching this stuff.

8/4 – Mattress Man Commercial (2003) – 8 – Home – Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson – Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman – A comedic short featured on the 2-disc DVD of Punch-Drunk Love, released in June 2003: https://youtu.be/fkeLGisUHtc

This is actually a parody of this original mattress man commercial: https://youtu.be/Fsro18nP3mg

8/7 – The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) – 8 – Home – Directed by John Huston – Written by John Huston and B. Traven – Starring Humphrey Bogart, Walter Huston, and Tim Holt – Great movie about greed and humanity. It’s no wonder Paul Thomas Anderson named this as an inspiration for There Will Be Blood. Kinda slow but worth it in the end. Required viewing as far as Bogart movies go. I don’t remember it very well to be honest.

8/8 – Gangs of New York (2002) – 7 – Home – Directed by Martin Scorsese – Written by Jay Cocks, Steven Zaillian, and Kenneth Lonergan – Daniel Day-Lewis is amazing in this, Leo is alright in this, and Cameron Diaz—well I guess my question is, can you recast someone’s part in a 15 year old movie? I heard great things about Gangs but it really didn’t live up to the hype and felt very dated, which is something we’re going to be seeing a lot of from late 90s/early 2000s films as time goes on. I have the book but I still need to read it. I absolutely love stuff about the history of Manhattan.

8/9 – Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) – 10 – Home – Directed by Stanley Kubrick – Written by Stanley Kubrick, Terry Southern, and Peter George – The best performance(s) from Peter Sellers and without a doubt one of my favorite endings of all time. If you haven’t seen this yet then you’re missing out.

8/9 – Clapping for the Wrong Reasons (2013) – 8 – Home – Directed by Hiro Murai – Written by Donald Glover – Starring Donald Glover, Trinidad James, Danielle Fishel, Flying Lotus, Abella Anderson, and Chance The Rapper – A surrealist short film by the renaissance man himself, Donald Glover. It follows a day in the life of ‘The Boy,’ a character Donald Glover created for his rap persona Childish Gambino to go alongside his 2013 album “Because the Internet.” The haunting cinematography by Hiro Murai, director of Atlanta, and the score by Gambino create an atmosphere that I fucking can’t get enough of. Also Gambino and Chance the Rapper have a pushup contest and you can watch the whole film here: https://youtu.be/Z_bONLcE8IA

8/10 – Casablanca (1942) – 10 – Home – Directed by Michael Curtiz – Written by Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein, and Howard Koch – There’s a reason Casablanca is regarded as one of the greatest movies of all time and has somehow remained in the pop culture for over 75 years. A beautiful and moving film that’s more relevant than you think. vive le france, vive la démocratie.

8/11 – Annabelle: Creation (2017) – 4 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by David F. Sandberg – Written by Gary Dauberman – Hot take: both Annabelle movies are hot garbage. The script is laughably bad, the directing is ok, and the last act was exciting enough to be enjoyable. I like how it tied into the Conjuring universe but the writing was so bad that I honestly felt like I could write a better script and that’s not good. Also I kept forgetting this wasn’t Insidious. At least possession cures polio.

8/16 – Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983) – 6 – Oak – Directed by Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante, John Landis, and George Miller – Written by George Clayton Johnson, John Landis, Richard Matheson, and Rod Serling – Starring Albert Brooks, Vic Morrow, John Larroquette, John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd, Scatman Crothers, and Rod Serling – I had to include that all-star cast. I think I’m biased because the Twilight Zone is a huge part of my childhood and continues to be, mostly through New Years marathons and Netflix background streaming, but I enjoy this movie quite a bit. Twilight Zone the show is amazing. The movie is fine. John Landis is a murderer.

8/17 – Paths of Glory (1957) – 9 – Oak – Directed by Stanley Kubrick – Written by Humphrey Cobb, Stanley Kubrick, Calder Willingham, and Jim Thompson – Starring Kirk Douglas – I watched this on a whim at 2 am and it was great. Also I didn’t know Kirk Douglas was in this movie until I looked it up afterwards.

8/18 – Chinatown (1974) – 9 – Oak – Directed by Roman Polanski – Written by Robert Towne – Starring Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway, John Huston, and Roman Polanski – Chinatown is extremely good and the history behind it is actually pretty interesting. I occasionally listen to a podcast called ‘You Must Remember This’ all about Hollywood history in the 20th century and one of the episodes centering around Roman Polanski talks about Chinatown and its production quite a bit. The original script was written by Robert Towne, was 180 pages long, and had a different ending but Polanski cut down and reordered the plot then changed the ending, causing Towne to leave the project. This is also Polanski’s reluctant return to American film after the Tate murders of 69. Roman Polanski die bitch.

8/20 – Watchmen (2009) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Zack Snyder – Written by David Hayter, Alex Tse, and Alan Moore – Watchmen was the last film I watched before the fall semester started and it caused me to have the first of many existential crises/breakdowns that would continue up to the end of 2017. Moral of the story this was not a good way to start the fall semester but Watchmen is fucking awesome. The graphic novel is even better but I still appreciate the film. Can’t wait to watch the Extended Director’s Cut in 2018.

~Fall Semester 2017~

8/21 – Operation Avalanche (2016) – 5 – Oak – Directed by Matt Johnson – Written by Josh Boles – Starring Matt Johnson, Owen Williams, and Jared Raab – I heard about this from YourMovieSucks.org I think and it was ok. I fell asleep watching it like 3 times so I don’t remember it well enough to talk confidently about it but I remember the ending was underwhelming. It’s basically about these filmmakers in the 60s who learn that the US is probably going to lose the space race to Russia so, after seeing Kubrick’s front projection technology, they’re hired to fake the moon landing for the US government. Super interesting premise but flawed execution. They actually shot the NASA scenes on location after they told them the equipment was for a student documentary.

9/1 – Apocalypse Now (1979) – 10 – Oak – Directed by Francis Ford Coppola – Written by John Milius, Francis Ford Coppola, Joseph Conrad, and Michael Herr – Starring Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando, Robert Duvall, Frederic Forrest, Laurence Fishburne, and Harrison Ford – What the fuck even is Apocalypse Now. This movie feels like a comedy in spots and a shadowy fever dream in others and it all somehow works. Either Coppola is a genius or the editors are. I still need to watch the documentary about the making of this (Hearts of Darkness) but I’m sure it’ll end up on next year’s list and that question will be answered.

9/2 – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Steven Spielberg – Written by Jeffrey Boam and Menno Meyjes – Starring Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Denholm Elliot, Alison Doody, and River Phoenix – Mitch I finally got to finish watching the OG Indy trilogy; it only took 8 months. This is my favorite Indiana Jones movie because it balances the serious with the fun/cheese really well. Technically speaking, Raiders is the best Indy movie hands down but it isn’t quite as rewatchable as Crusade imo and Temple is insanely dumb and annoying in comparison. Crusade hits that sweet spot, making it one of those movies that I always need to sit down and finish if I see it on TV.

9/3 – There Will Be Blood (2007) – 10 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson – Written by Paul Thomas Anderson and Upton Sinclair  – One of my favorites of all time and arguably one of the best movies ever made. This film is literally perfect. Thrilling, dark, and evil, Daniel Day-Lewis disappears into the role of Daniel Plainview and Paul Dano gives an incredible performance as Eli. Goddamn this movie is so good I’m so happy I got the chance to see it in the theater this time. Paul Thomas Anderson is my favorite director and everything he touches is a masterpiece.

9/8 – It (2017) – 5 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Andy Muschietti – Written by Chase Palmer, Gary Dauberman, Stephen King, and Cary Fukunaga – I was expecting a horror movie because they marketed this as a horror movie but it is not a horror movie. It tries to be a dozen different 80s films and fails at being any of them. Complete tonal disaster. Is it a raunchy comedy? Is it a horror film? Oh no it’s Stranger Things! Wow John Hughes! 1980s! Do you remember the 1980s? They were over 30 years ago now isn’t that crazy? Buy tickets to our movie.

If this was billed as a dark comedy I would’ve liked it more but when it’s actually a lame horror film with no tension or effective scares then how could it not be disappointing? To be completely honest I would have walked out about halfway through if I hadn’t seen it with friends. The praise this movie received is honestly baffling to me; it’s a total piece in every department except for Finn Wolfhard making dick jokes.

9/10 – The Room (2003) – 1 – Clay Theater San Francisco – Directed by Tommy Wiseau – Written by Tommy Wiseau – I HIGHLY recommend seeing this in the theater at a midnight showing because I have never laughed harder in my entire life and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I knew I had to see this again to prepare for The Disaster Artist but a midnight screening is the only way to experience this movie. Tommy Wiseau is an inspiration to us all.

9/12 – Grave of the Fireflies (1988) – 10 – CSU Chico Ayres 106 – Directed by Isao Takahata – Written by Akiyuki Nosaka and Isao Takahata – They screened this as part of the University Film Series at Chico and boy is it sad as fuck. The story is told in an unconventional way and it’s extremely effective. High recommend but don’t expect to do anything afterwards.

9/14 – mother! (2017) – 8 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Darren Aronofsky – Written by Darren Aronofsky – BALLS TO THE WALL INSANITY HOLY SHIT. I had an absolute blast seeing this in the theater because I had NO idea what to expect and wow this movie really delivered on blowing my expectations into orbit. Sure, Aronofsky is pretentious and his knowledge of allegory could be summed up by a one-word 72-pt font bold synopsis that reads, “HAMFISTED.” Sure, there’s an extremely unnecessary and possibly disturbing part for women that occurs towards the last half. Sure, this is just a weird but not-boring adaptation of Rosemary’s Baby. Sure all these things, but this movie is fucking insane and there’s much more to this than “loll bible allegory.” There are at least TWO other extended metaphors you could reasonably interpret from this story and that’s the main reason why this isn’t a pretentious piece of shit.

9/16 – Night of the Living Dead (1968) – 8 – Oak – Directed by George A. Romero – Written by George A. Romero and John A. Russo – I wrote my last long post about how influential and amazing this film is because it really is that good. In a vacuum this is probably a 6 or 7 out of 10 but considering what it did for the horror genre it deserves an extra star or two.

9/16 – Dawn of the Dead (1978) – 8 – Oak – Directed by George A. Romero – Written by George A. Romero – This is what people describe when they think of a zombie apocalypse, or at least this is what most people envision; locking yourself in a mall or store with everything you’d ever need and waiting/fighting it out. The sheer joy the characters experience as they scavenge the stores and slap the shit out of some zombies is super relatable and everyone is extremely likeable. With some legitimately hilarious moments and a few genuine scares, Dawn is a solid entry in the Dead franchise. Side note: I love that the Romero Dead films are very critical of capitalism. Gives me the warm fuzzies.

9/17 – Paris, Texas (1984) – 10 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Wim Wenders – Written by Sam Shepard and L.M. Kit Carson – One of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen. The colors, the shot composition, and the acting—my god what an incredible movie. I was lucky enough to catch a screening of this at the Pageant in Chico but unfortunately it was a rather sad occasion since Sam Shepard and Harry Dean Stanton both passed within 2 months of this screening. Shepard was my favorite playwright and he will be sorely missed. Also a lot of the highway scenes are shot along the 395 and you can even see the old Kramer Junction Astro Burger looking exactly the same in 1983 as it does now. RIP Harry and Sam <3

9/19 – Day of the Dead (1985) – 9 – Oak – Directed by George A. Romero – Written by George A. Romero – Ok I thought the first two Dead movies were good but this is be far my favorite. It feels much more focused that the first two and is probably the best example of realism in the trilogy. In the first two there were many moments where the characters seemed like they were almost trying to be caught by zombies but in this one the survival feels much more natural. The enclosed setting, with its tight hallways and small underground rooms, makes for deaths that feel inevitable rather than forced. And the practical effects dude, holy shit. I thought The Thing had great practical effects but wow this movie is gruesome. It almost makes me regret calling the gore in Dawn of the Dead “gnarly.” The gore in Day of the Dead makes the gore in Dawn of the Dead look like the gore in Night of the Living Dead. This movie kicks ass.

9/19 – Embrace of the Serpent (2015) – 8 – CSU Chico Ayres 106 – Directed by Ciro Guerra – Written by Ciro Guerra and Jacques Toulemonde Vidal – This was part of the University Film Series at Chico and tells the story of a “life-transcending friendship” between Karamakate, a lone Amazonian shaman, and two scientists 40 years apart who both go into the jungle looking for a rare psychedelic plant to help them. Filmed almost entirely in black and white, this was a hard look at the disappearance of the indigenous culture at the hands of industrialization and religion. It’s really depressing to think about all the stories lost to time because of greed but these are the kinds of stories that need to be told to make people aware of that fact.

9/21 – The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) – 10 – Oak – Directed by Tobe Hooper – Written by Kim Henkel and Tobe Hooper – One of the best horror films ever made. Absolutely oozing with death and grit—the unknown actors, detailed sets, and somewhat naturalistic way of shooting create a feeling of realism not present in many other films. It just feels fucking evil and a lot of that comes down to the atmosphere since the story is quite simple. If you haven’t seen it then you need to. It’s required viewing for horror fans.

9/24 – Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) – 3 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Matthew Vaughn – Written by Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman – The first Kingsman was an enjoyable parody of Bond films but this one was essentially a parody of the first Kingsman. In other words, THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS HOOOOLY SHIT. They just stopped caring; they really don’t give a shit anymore. From the ps2 game cutscenesque CGI to the fucking claw machine sports stadium prison thing seriously what the fuck is this garbage. The suspension of disbelief needed to enjoy this movie is impossible to attain and I just don’t know why this exists. How is the audience supposed to care about anything when you’ve literally cured death? They removed all stakes from this movie just to get Colin Firth back and then spoiled his return in all the marketing; it’s just baffling. [Extremely Stefan voice] this movie has everything; cartoon car chases, vaginal walls, Chekhov’s Elton John, Republican claw machines, heroin overdoses, and Channing Tatum reprising his role as Magic Mike for ¼ of this 8 minute screen time.  Oh hey did you see that bar fight scene from the first one? Get ready to see that about 5 more times but boring. Oh hey did you like the doin-it-in-the-butt joke from the first one? Well you’re in luck because this is just as lowbrow but for the entire film! Fuck this movie and fuck Matthew Vaughn for creating this cancerous waste of money and time. I pray to any and every deity that we will never see a Kingsman 3.

9/26 – Psycho (1960) – 9 – Oak – Directed by Alfred Hitchcock – Written by Robert Bloch and Joseph Stefano – Wow! What a reveal. I wish this hadn’t been spoiled by pop culture because this would’ve been such a fun ride to follow. Knowing all the twists dampens the effect but by god the direction is incredible. Hitchcock truly is a genius filmmaker. The way the events unfold is so satisfying.

9/27 – Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Philip Kaufman – Written by W.D. Richter and Jack Finney – Legitimately terrifying. The way it’s shot makes it feel like the movie knows something you don’t and the genuinely upsetting imagery and sounds throughout make this such a weird and surreal journey. The practical effects are awesome and the ending is insane. Definitely the best Body Snatchers adaptation.

9/29 – Ingrid Goes West (2017) – 5 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Matt Spicer – Written by David Branson Smith and Matt Spicer – Starring Aubrey Plaza, Elizabeth Olson, O’Shea Jackson Jr, and Wyatt Russell – A total takedown of social media culture. Ingrid is an extreme example of how social media normalizes over sharing and voyeurism, allows for and encourages total curation and bastardization of self-image, and how it rewards mental illness. It’s a numbers game and Ingrid is #killingit. Jk but I found the commentary in the first half to be especially effective and hilarious. It’s just so ridiculous but horrifyingly relatable—like Spring Breakers for social media but not as good (and if you didn’t like Spring Breakers then this movie is better if only because it’s not nearly as esoteric). Worth a watch if ur millennial scum like me.

10/1 – The Fog (1980) – 6 – Oak – Directed by John Carpenter – Written by Debra Hill and John Carpenter – I had no idea this was a ghost pirate movie. Felt like it had potential that it failed to reach by being so small scale and just kind of lame in general. Sorry if ghost pirates aren’t lame to you but this really didn’t leave a lot to the imagination once the threat was revealed and the scares were okay at best. It was good for what it was. Felt kinda Goonies tbh.

10/4 – The Thing (1982) – 10 – Oak – Directed by John Carpenter – Written by Bill Lancaster and John W. Campbell Jr. – Jesus Christ look at Kurt Russell’s fucking hat. Something unusual about this film is that we learn how the thing works pretty much immediately after it becomes known. In fact, we learn quite a bit about it. The establishing shot is a UFO crashing and we get the burned thing at the Norwegian station. After the kennel scene we learn the thing digests beings, absorbs them, then imitates/transforms. They discover the actual UFO then find out the thing can absorb and imitate from a single cell—spelling certain doom for all living things on earth if left alive. Really the horror in this film is so effective because the characters aren’t idiots. They learn a considerable amount about the thing (thereby establishing rules) but it doesn’t really help them survive. Plus, it’s damn near invincible. These elements plus the practical effects easily carry this into top horror films of all time territory. But seriously what’s up with Kurt Russell’s fucking hat

10/13 – I Love You, Man (2009) – 8 – Oak – Directed by John Hamburg – Written by John Hamburg and Larry Levin – I love this movie, man. A seriously underrated and endlessly quotable late 2000s comedy about bro-love and jamming to Rush. Hell yeah.

10/14 – The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) – 9 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Tobe Hooper – Written by Kim Henkel and Tobe Hooper – I got to see this in the theater and holy shit I HIGHLY recommend it.

10/19 – Pi (1998) – 5 – Oak – Directed by Darren Aronofsky – Written by Darren Aronofsky, Sean Gullette, and Eric Watson – This is Darren Aronofsky’s debut film and it’s extremely weird and unsettling. Fitting that a story about losing your mind trying to predict the future using math and numbers would make you feel like you’re going crazy while watching it. It’s worth checking out next time it shows up on Netflix if it sounds interesting or if you like other Aronofsky movies like Requiem for a Dream or mother!

10/21 – Suspiria (1977) – 8 – Pageant Chico – Directed by Dario Argento – Written by Dario Argento, Thomas De Quincey, and Daria Nicolodi – This movie is odd. The lighting is absolutely astounding, the music is legitimately awesome, the actors are bad, the dubbing is TERRIBLE, but it all works because it’s a horror film and all these elements make it feel like a movie from another planet. Horror-fantasy done marvelously right. Can’t wait to watch more Argento movies. Seeing this in the theater was a revelation.

11/8 – Blade Runner: The Final Cut (1982) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Ridley Scott – Written by Hampton Fancher, David Webb Peoples, and Philip K. Dick – A marvel of production design. It took me a while to get through this because it’s so slow (not a bad thing) but it’s absolutely worth it for the beautiful world, bleak yet cozy atmosphere, and one of the best ending monologues ever put to film. If you’re going to watch it, make sure you watch the Final Cut even though Ridley Scott is a total hack and insists on undercutting the very themes that make this movie great by inserting scenes to entertain fan theories that came after the fact. Luckily, even Ridley Scott can’t ruin this. He can ruin everything else he touches but he can’t touch Blade Runner. (I would like to clarify that Ridley Scott is a great visionary and director, just a bad storyteller)

11/8 – Blade Runner (2049) – 9 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by Denis Villeneuve – Written by Philip K. Dick, Hampton Fancher, and Michael Green – Move over Toy Story 2, this is the best sequel ever made. I had always heard great things about Blade Runner so on November 8th I decided to watch Blade Runner and 2049 back to back on the last day it was in the theater. On this very rainy day I put BR: Final Cut on, after it was done I went to a local ramen place and ate noodles while looking out into the neon-lit street, then I went to the theater for a 2.5+ hour sequel that I had only heard great things about. Even with moderate to high expectations and a very unfortunate bathroom break I was completely blown away. Denis Villeneuve is one of the best directors working today and Roger Deakins does some of his best and most creative work on this movie. Just fucking incredible (because Ridley Scott wasn’t involved). If you’ve seen Blade Runner you NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE. It’s so so so so good and I can’t wait to see it again.

11/10 – Boogie Nights (1997) – 9 – Oak – Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson – Written by Paul Thomas Anderson – Starring Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds, John C. Reilly, Julianne Moore, Thomas Jane, Heather Graham, Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, and Don Cheadle – Had to include the cast again because look at the sheer talent Paul Thomas Anderson is able to attract. One of my favorite films of all time and absolutely incredible for only being PTA’s second film, Boogie Nights is a true masterpiece in every sense of the word. Everyone is great in this—even Mark Wahlberg, though maybe that’s because he plays an inexperienced actor with an inflated ego. Even though it feels too long I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

11/14 – Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Jon Watts – Written by John Francis Daley, Jonathan M. Goldstein, Erik Sommers, Chris McKenna, Christopher D. Ford, and Jon Watts – The first half is my favorite spider-man movie by a considerable margin. There are a ton of flaws and feels overlong in the second half but Vulture is a great villain and everyone is great. This is what a spider-man movie should be.

11/21 – Lady Bird (2017) – 9 – Ventura Downtown 10 – Directed by Greta Gerwig – Written by Greta Gerwig – The best coming-of-age film because it’s such an honest depiction of life in your late teens told through a series of disjointed, chronological vignettes. It’s just extremely good and I don’t know what else to say. I guess I could say: Greta Gerwig? More like Better Greta Oscar.

11/22 – Thor: Ragnarok (2017) – 8 – Ventura Downtown 10 – Directed by Taika Waititi – Written by Craig Kyle, Christopher Yost, Stephany Folsom, and Eric Pearson – This movie is hilarious. Taika Waititi absolutely steals the show in every scene he’s in and this is clearly the best marvel movie since Guardians of the Galaxy. Just pure fun from start to finish.

11/23 – Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987) – 8 – Ojai – Directed by John Hughes – Written by John Hughes – I’ve been wanting to watch this on Thanksgiving for years now so I’m glad I was finally able to because now I know where all those references came from.

11/24 – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) – 8 – Century Riverpark 16 – Directed by Martin McDonagh – Written by Martin McDonagh – I really liked this initially but some people made some pretty good points that I can tell will definitely sour this on rewatch. I bought it the first time but I don’t think I’m going to be able to the second time. It’s definitely tone-deaf (makes sense since it wasn’t written by an american but takes place in the american south) but I’ll need to watch it again to comment accurately on it and update the rating. I really liked this when I saw it though and it’s one of the better movies of the year if you don’t think about the characterization. I do think the “real people don’t talk this way” argument is fucking stupid though.

11/30 – The Boss Baby (2017) – 2 – Oak – Directed by Tom McGrath – Written by Marla Frazee and Michael McCullers – 100th movie of the year! Lmao this movie is bad and the protagonist Tim is a piece of shit. The kid has a perfect family life with his 3 stories, 4 hugs and 5 ego strokings every night and then he acts the fuckin fool when boss baby comes around and his parents have to,, idk,, take care of a fucking baby?? Like first of all, imagine being a kid with a broken family and being so excited to see your biennial movie in the theater and the first thing you see is this spoiled-ass kid with the most obnoxiously perfect life ever depicted. I had a pretty great family life and I felt shitty watching this so I can’t imagine what most kids seeing this would think. Then when boss baby literally strolls up to the house, Tim gets extra hella buttmad over dumb bullshit and it makes him the most incredibly unlikeable character like why is he the protagonist.

Absolutely nothing in this movie makes sense and it’s batshit insane. They were too cheap to 3D animate like half the dream sequences in the first quarter of the movie, instead using a hybrid 2D/3D drawn style that changes styles between each sequence, so I was always confused what was real and what was actually happening. You’re led to believe that there’s a modicum of reality outside of the dream sequences but then the boss baby shows up and he’s definitely real and wearing a suit for real so like this universe completely blurs the lines between subjective and objective but ONLY SOMETIMES and just expects you to accept that the movie is written like shit.

Also there’s a ton of boss baby ass in this movie. No one asked for implied anal penetration in the first ten minutes and no one wants to see some boss baby powder ass-slap bullshit or a puppy muzzle-deep inside the boss baby’s asshole while he’s wearing the skin of a dog. NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS. Then the pacing is so baffling that I literally thought the movie was going to end and it was only HALFWAY OVER. It’s lightning fast until about 30 minutes in when it skrrts to a slow crawl. There are two finales, a pedophile in a dog costume, a plan to distribute hundreds of immortal puppies all over the world by literally throwing them from a rocket, and references (steals from) lord of the rings, every Pixar movie, raiders of the lost ark, and minions. Then the movie just sort of ends with boss baby and Tim becoming gay dads before setting up a Boss Baby Lady sequel. Also the pedophile steals a baby. Also also the music was done by HANS ZIMMER.

This movie,,,,,, is extremely bad but it was so funny (often unintentionally) so I’d recommend it if you want to laugh at a ridiculous kids movie. I won’t fault a children’s film centered around a talking baby in a tiny suit for being ridiculous but I will fault it for being totally incoherent and needlessly stupid when other animated films manage just fine.

12/6 – The Dark Knight (2008) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Christopher Nolan – Written by Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan, and David S. Goyer – This is probably the best Nolan Batman movie but it definitely has the problems present in most Christopher Nolan movies. Tonal inconsistencies and plot holes galore but “it’s a comic book movie so whatever.” The last half gets kind of muddy and I’m wondering if an 8 is too high but it’s arguably the best Batman film ever made and it definitely has the highest highs of the Nolan Batman trilogy so whatever.

~Winter~

12/17 – The Disaster Artist (2017) – 6 – Cinemark Chico – Directed by James Franco – Written by Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber, and Greg Sestero – The only good things about this are James’ performance as Tommy Wiseau and the little lines from the Room peppered throughout this to show that Tommy is just as wacky as the Room’s script would lead you to believe. Uninspired camerawork and a plot that doesn’t begin to do the actual story justice. In the end this exists as nothing more than a bitter reminder that we will never get a proper Disaster Artist adaptation. Why James Franco, why?

12/19 – Call Me by Your Name (2017) – 9 – Arclight Sherman Oaks – Directed by Luca Guadagnino – Written by James Ivory and André Aciman – One of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen. Romantic, heartfelt, honest, and it has not one but TWO Sufjan Stevens songs.

12/20 – Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) – 5 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Rian Johnson – Written by Rian Johnson – As far as technical achievements go, The Last Jedi is awesome and it looks incredible. All the action is fun and intense as hell and it’s enough to keep most people from realizing how poorly written this movie is. Even the coolest space battle can’t save this from being a failure in creating tension or making sense on the most basic of levels.

I originally had a LONG and scathing review but it was really mean spirited and I don’t feel comfortable posting it so I’ll just say I liked it when I saw it but the plot, dialogue, writing, and editing fell apart the moment I started thinking about it. The plot of this movie only works because the characters are written to be complete idiots and every conflict is so contrived that nothing matters. There’s no stakes and no tension because Disney Star Wars movies NEED to have quippy dialogue that undercuts all dramatic tension because they think it’s a marvel film. Because of this, the First Order is a non-threat who aren’t taken seriously at all. In the first 6 movies we were supposed to fear the Empire and the Sith and the dark side but every time any Rebels die in this we have BB-8 zipping around like a fool to remind us to not give a shit about any of this because it doesn’t matter. None of the decisions any of the characters make matter and the entire Finn and Rose plot happens for no reason (and SPOILERS, gets everyone killed because of their stupidity, which they don’t learn from or reference ever again because nothing matters). I honestly think Rian Johnson should have gotten past the first or second draft of the script before he started filming but hey, what do I know. It’s full of plot holes, anachronisms, and cringe dialogue and it’s just a badly written. It’s too bad you can’t judge the quality of a film based on how “fun” it is.

On the flip side; Kylo Ren, Rey, Luke, and Poe actually had character arcs and everything involving them was great and the lightspeed jump scene was the coolest shit even though it was completely unearned. Overall a deeply flawed film that’ll probably get retconned in the very near future what with its relative box office failure and the impending bomb of Solo. Call me crazy but maybe placing one of the most anticipated movies from one of the most well known franchises into the hands of a single dude wasn’t a good idea. It’s certainly a mistake Disney won’t make again.

12/22 – La La Land (2016) – 9 – Home – Directed by Damien Chazelle – Written by Damien Chazelle – I love this movie.

12/22 – Bright (2017) – 3 – Mike’s House – Directed by David Ayer – Written by Max Landis – “There’s boring, there’s bad, and then there’s ‘Bright,’ a movie so profoundly awful that Republicans will probably try to pass it into law over Christmas break” –David Ehrlich. Paper-thin premise that attempts to set up the logical extension of “what if medieval fantasy but modern” without thinking for more than 5 seconds about what that kind of universe would actually look like or the major implications therein. It’s formulaic, predictable, and fails terribly at trying to comment on racism but it was super entertaining and fun to mock with friends so I give it a 3/10. Max Landis retire bitch.

12/23 – Coco (2017) – 8 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Lee Unkrich – Written by Adrian Molina, Matthew Aldrich, Lee Unkrich, and Jason Katz – Wow Coco is so good! A major return to form for Pixar and I definitely almost cried. Definitely see this ASAP.

12/23 – The Meyerowitz Stories (2017) – 8 – Oak – Directed by Noah Baumbach – Written by Noah Baumbach – Starring Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Dustin Hoffman, Emma Thompson and Grace Van Patten – This movie was great. High recommend if you like Noah Baumbach or Woody Allen type movies or want to see Adam Driver say, “SUCK A DICK OH GOD” and Adam Sandler yelling, “just let me eat my FUCKING BANANA.” One of the best Netflix Originals by far.

12/24 – The Peanuts Movie (2015) – 7 – Home – Directed by Steve Martino – Written by Bryan Schulz, Craig Schulz, and Cornelius Uliano – This movie is delightful and stays true to the art style of Peanuts while using 3D animation in a fun and innovative way that looks beautiful. Solidly enjoyable despite the contemporary pop songs that will date this horribly in years to come.

12/24 – Zodiac (2007) – 8 – Home – Directed by David Fincher – Written by James Vanderbilt – I can’t believe it took me this long to see Zodiac. Solid film with solid acting and a solid story. Gyllenhaal, RDJ, and Mark Ruffalo were great and if you haven’t seen this I highly recommend it just because it’s David Fincher and it’s kind of required viewing at this point.

12/26 – The Shape of Water (2017) – 8 – AMC Thousand Oaks – Directed by Guillermo del Toro – Written by Vanessa Taylor and Guillermo del Toro – This was not at all what I was expecting and that’s a really good thing. Color is a big part of this so pay attention to that and make sure to see this when you can. It’s kind of cheesy (as all Del Toro films are) but it comes off as stylization, which makes it more than tolerable.

12/27 – Phantom Thread 70mm (2017) – 9 – Arclight Hollywood – Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson – Written by Paul Thomas Anderson – Starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Lesley Manville, and Vicky Krieps – The score is beautiful, the performances are great (as if there were any doubts), and for the most part I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen but I liked how it panned out. My heart was pounding during the climax and I’m happy we’re seemingly getting more of the PTA lovers-linked-across-space-time stuff. I’ll definitely need to see this again next year. My only complaints were that there weren’t enough tracking shots and not enough giant cowboy hats. (It gets even better on rewatch holy shit it’s SO good the second time)

12/29 – Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017) – 6 – Ridgecrest Cinemas – Directed by Jake Kasdan – Written by Chris McKenna, Scott Rosenberg, and Jeff Pinker – This movie was pretty fun. If you’re wondering, it’s completely its own thing aside from the name and it really translates well to a video game. I’m delighted this wasn’t a total piece of shit tbh. Also very thankful for the surprise cameo that could have easily been spoiled by the marketing but wasn’t. That’s super rare.

12/30 – Wind River (2017) – 8 – Home – Directed by Taylor Sheridan – Written by Taylor Sheridan – Someone told me this movie sucked when it came out so I never saw it in the theater and I regret it now. This movie is good but real fucked up so be prepared. Like a modern western but in Wyoming and by the same guy who did Sicario and Hell or High Water. It deals with the stealing of native lands as well, which is extremely underrepresented in films (hmmm I wonder why).

12/31 – The Lego Batman Movie (2017) – 7 – Home – Directed by Chris McKay – Written by Chris McKenna, Erik Sommers, Seth Grahame-Smith, Jared Stern, and John Whittington – This movie looks amazing! The first half is noticeably better than the second but it’s really good and all the meta-humor is fun. It’s definitely not as good as the Lego Movie but it’s pretty alright.

12/31 – World of Tomorrow Episode Two: The Burden of Other People’s Thoughts (2017) – 8 – Home – Directed by Don Hertzfeldt – “It was not its fault it was an insect; an incomplete creature without any backup copies. All of its experiences are gone forever. We can never know them. If there is a soul, it is equal in all living things. We all cling to the same brief, flickering windows in the infinite darkness... except for clones. Clones are better.” This was just what I needed to end 2017: a thoughtful look at consciousness, memory, and the burden of being alive and searching for relevancy. 2017 was a year of reflection so hopefully 2018 brings more contentedness and less depressive nihilism.

Top 10

1 – Blade Runner 2049

2 – Lady Bird

3 – Phantom Thread

4 – Dunkirk

5 – Call Me By Your Name

6 – The Beguiled

7 – Coco

8 – The Shape of Water

9 –  The Big Sick

10 – Get Out

Bottom 10

107 – Star Wars: The Last Jedi

108 – Alien: Covenant

109 – The Mummy

110 – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

111 – Life

112 – Bright

113 – The Discovery

114 – Annabelle: Creation

115 – Boss Baby

116 – Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Honorable Mentions: Frances Ha, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Spirited Away, Possession, The Thing, The Big Lebowski, Dr. Strangelove, Casablanca, Chinatown, Apocalypse Now, Paris Texas, Texas Chainsaw, 20th Century Women, Enemy, The Prestige, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Watchmen, There Will Be Blood, mother!, Day of the Dead, Suspiria, The Room

2014 – 92 movies

2015 – 124 movies

2016 – 77 movies

2017 – 116 movies

Final thoughts: This year I did relatively well, watching 39 more movies than last year. Depression killed my motivation to watch things and then I was extremely busy with school in October so I wasn’t able to do some of my intended short term goals like watch a movie every day in September or 31 horror films in October. My goals for next year are to watch even more (shooting for 150 but we’ll see) and to start knocking out a considerable number of old movies on my watchlist since I tend to watch newer things. As far as taste goes I’m a total pleb but it’s mostly because I gravitate towards easily accessible films, which skews modern. I didn’t get around to a bunch of movies released this year like Kedi, Logan, Raw, The Blackcoat’s Daughter (it was okay, also not released in 2017), The Little Hours, A Ghost Story, Good Time (good movie, NOT a good time), The Florida Project, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, The Square, Murder on the Orient Express, Justice League, or I Tonya (it was okay) but I’m sure I’ll get around to em in 2018.

Thanks for reading and follow me on twitter, insta, or letterboxd @thejoeydavis

[thejoeydavis]

Movies of 2016

(I’m posting this late but for archival purposes I’m putting it here)

Every January I do a list of all the movies I watched over the past year in chronological order and this,, as you can tell,, is that list. Each movie is rated out of 10 and rounded to the nearest whole number for simplicity and because I use the letterboxd app to log all my movies and it uses a 5 star system. These number ratings are meant to be as objective as possible, which means they’re judged on commonly agreed upon film conventions and what most critics and kinophiles would consider to be “good film,” as pretentious as that sounds. Really it just means I went with my gut feeling and then considered technical aspects and effectiveness on all of these. Paired with each are some thoughts to talk about what I liked or disliked, how it made me feel, etc. I’ll try to keep it short on as many as I can since there are so many. tl;dr: top 10 is at the bottom

Anomalisa – 7 – a predictably depressing Charlie Kaufman film about loneliness and being human—somewhat ironic considering it’s a stop motion film. Don’t let the puppets with 3d printed faces fool you; this is a very human movie with one of the most realistic sex scenes ever captured on film. Probably don’t see this with your mom like I did.

Inside Llewyn Davis – 8 – one of my favorite movies of the past few years and one of my top Coen bros movies. The charismatic but dickish performance by Oscar Isaac and beautiful folk soundtrack depicts a hard life for a musician in early 1960s New York that will make you feel better about yourself (unless you’re a musician).

 Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl – 8 – also one of my favorite movies of the past few years, this love letter to classic film by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon is a beautiful story of a popular kid in high school who befriends a girl with terminal cancer. Essentially Perks of Being a Wallflower meets criterion collection.

Project X – 7 – one of my guilty pleasure movies. Lots of fun.

 The Hateful Eight (70mm) – 6 – I got to see this in 70mm complete with preshow overture and intermission and it was an incredible experience. I loved the movie but it’s not Tarantino’s best by any stretch. Note the huge disparity in rating from last year when I gave it a 9.2. This film is not a 9.2.

 The Forest – 3 – in this movie Natalie Dormer goes to the Japanese suicide forest to search for her sister who went missing. Suicide is a very apt theme here considering how heavily I considered ending my life during this movie. Truly awful.

 Carol – 6 – one of those movies that I know is good but I just didn’t enjoy. It’s about Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett as they try to hide their forbidden romantic relationship in 1950s New York. Long, slow, but very pretty and touching, I’d recommend it if you like character driven stories—especially ones about LGBT issues because it’s very good in that regard.

 Hail, Caesar – 7 – underrated mystery film by the Coen’s about old Hollywood and communists. More along the lines of the Big Lebowski than No Country For Old Men. Just a really fun movie with a great sense of world building that makes 1930s Hollywood really come alive.

 Deadpool – 7 – pretty funny and exactly the kind of movie Ryan Reynolds and fans wanted. Probably the only good Marvel movie made by Fox.

 The Witch – 8 – a visceral and disturbing film about a cursed life in 1600s New England, The Witch (stylized as The VVitch) is one of the best horror movies I’ve ever seen. Be warned though, it’s the definition of slow burn horror so you’ll probably dislike it if you’re used to modern horror films.

 10 Cloverfield Lane – 7 – one of the big surprises of the year and also one of the most thrilling, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and John Goodman both give excellent performances. It’s basically a bottle episode completely unrelated to the first film. People have criticized Winstead’s character for her actions at the end but it completes her character arc perfectly so it definitely works.

 Room – 8 – beautiful film. Somewhat overrated.

 Brooklyn – 8 – one of my favorites from 2015 and immensely enjoyable from start to finish. This story of an Irish girl moving to Brooklyn shows that the conflict doesn’t have to be high stakes for it to be compelling.

 Batman v Superman – 4 – wow surprise surprise, Zack Snyder made another shit movie. Awful film full of clichés and nonsensical dialogue, bizarre editing, and the incredibly moronic decision to try and kickstart an entire cinematic universe in a dreadfully painful 2+ hour runtime. This movie sucks and DC needs to either hire some competent scriptwriters and directors or just give up already.

 Zootopia – 7 – ah the quintessential furry movie 2016. I really enjoyed this and it has great rewatch value. One of the most beautifully animated movies of the year.

 Midnight Special – 6 – I had no expectations for this movie and I was pleasantly surprised by it, although somewhat let down by the ending. It’s an interesting story about a kid with unknown supernatural powers being smuggled to a specific coordinates where he says something will happen. The mystery unfolds throughout the run time and there are some pretty cool scenes. Fun sci-fi to rent maybe.

 Midnight in Paris – 7 – 1920s Paris is arguably one of the best eras to be alive in and Woody Allen captures the magic of the period well. As with most modern Woody Allen films it’s pretty cheesy—especially the modern day scenes—but the scenes that take place in the 1920s with F Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and Picasso are truly a delight. One of my favorite movies from 2011.

 Captain America Civil War – 7 – not bad but much worse than Winter Soldier. It was enjoyable at least and miles ahead of Avengers 2.

 Green Room – 8 – a disturbing, white-knuckle rollercoaster of a film that follows a punk band as they fight off a bar full of alt-righ—I mean neo-nazis. An absolute must-see.

 The Nice Guys – 7 – fun from start to finish, Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe give two funny and over the top performances in this 1970s period film about two detectives who get caught up in a case that’s way over their heads. Definite recommendation. Crowe’s performance in the first third/half or so is very melodramatic and over the top cool-guy but I believe it was intended to be tongue in cheek so don’t let it throw you.

 The Jungle Book – 6 – not bad.

 Raiders of the Lost Ark – 9 – a near perfect movie and one of, if not the best action movie of all time.

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 Make Happy – 8 – Bo Burnham tweeted about a special premiere screening of his new special back in March so I bought tickets and went with Andrew to see it. We went to the Largo in West Hollywood and were treated to a short comedy show and the grand premiere of Make Happy, Bo’s last one-man show for the foreseeable future. It was an incredible experience.

 The World of Tomorrow – 8 – it’s only 16 minutes and it’s by Don Herzfeldt—what’s not to love? Get ready for an existential crisis.

 The Conjuring 2 – 7 – pretty spooky in some parts with a cool little i spy game you can play with the name of the ghost demon lady. Not as good as the first.

 Finding Dory – 7 – older Pixar films have a certain level of charm that all their films post-Toy Story 3 (barring Monsters University) don’t seem to have and this is no exception. It was very enjoyable but it just felt like it doesn’t have the magic that the old ones have.

 The Shallows – 4 – the amount of praise this movie received was deadass baffling. This is one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year and I don’t see how so many people missed the cliché dialogue and plot, ridiculous shark cgi, exploitative ass shots, and absolutely insane and unrealistic attempts to kill the shark. Critics and audiences comparing this to Jaws is an insult to not only Spielberg, but also the art of filmmaking itself.

 Frances Ha – 9 – one of my favorite movies of all time, this black and white indie film by Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig is a cozy tale of solipsistic loneliness, friendship, and following your dreams. It’s depressing, but in a very relatable and reassuring way. Greta Gerwig as the New York dancer Frances is so believable that seeing her in other roles feels almost disingenuous. Honestly if you watch anything on this list you should watch this first, foremost and as soon as possible. It’s on netflix!

 Mistress America – 7 – another one by Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig and it was actually my introduction to their work. I loved this movie when I first saw it but it pales in comparison to Frances. Still a great movie with wonderful acting and snappy as hell dialogue. Fun fact: Noah Baumbach worked with Wes Anderson in the past and it shows here, especially in the dialogue.

 The Neon Demon – 8 – one of the most polarizing films of the year but a definite return to form by the near infamous Nicolas Winding Refn. The success of the 2011 masterpiece Drive was not good for Refn’s ego apparently as he followed it up with the nauseatingly self-indulgent Only God Forgives. Thank goodness he was able to find a balance between pure art film and accessible indie film with the Neon Demon. It’s by no means very accessible but the acting, especially from the main girls and a sleazy Keanu Reeves, is great and the visuals are incredibly surreal and v e r y v e r y n e o n . Recommend if you like artsy films with lots of sex and blood.

 Back to the Future – 10 – a textbook example of what a perfect movie looks like.

 It Follows – 8 – nothing but love for this creepy and atmospheric 2015 horror/suspense film about the end of childhood and the impending dread of adulthood. Really it’s about a supernatural shape shifting thing with its “rule” being that acts like an std being passed down through sexual partners. If the thing catches you, it then goes after the previous person in the chain and so on, so the only way to save yourself is to pass it on or run endlessly in futility. Please do see this it’s great.

 The Secret Life of Pets – 6 – a disappointment but Louis CK as a dog was fun to see.

 Hush – 5 – not very good Netflix horror movie about a guy terrorizing a deaf lady at her home in the woods for some reason.

 Snatch – 6 – I suppose if I were more familiar with Guy Ritchie’s work I would’ve enjoyed it more but it looks like it was shot by a Tarantino wannabe edgelord and edited in windows moviemaker. Still entertaining though.

 Horace and Pete – 10 – Horace and Pete is a dramedy web series multi-camera sitcom written, directed, and produced by Louis CK and it’s the single best serial program I’ve ever seen. This is a true masterpiece in every sense and the writing and acting is some of the best in a serial program. It was so good that I actually could not enjoy anything else for days after because everything paled in comparison. For example, I watched Stranger Things the day after I finished this and I had to stop watching three episodes in because it was completely and utterly awful compared to Horace and Pete. The quality of writing is unbelievable and I laughed and cried at many many points. Louis CK, Steve Buscemi, Edie Falco, and Alan Alda, bring career defining performances to the small screen and I cannot wait to watch it again—although I’m not sure I’m prepared for it.

 Breathless (1960) – 7 – one of the most defining films of the French New Wave, this film by Jean Luc-Godard is a love story shot in some of the most unconventional ways I’ve seen in a film. It’s not surreal or weird but it certainly is interesting. Worth a watch if you like the cinematography of Wes Anderson, Woody Allen, or Louis CK—although it’s a much more saturated French New Wave style since all those styles are derivative of this. Has some of the most intriguing and innovative tracking/dolly shots I’ve ever seen. In fact, at one point two characters are walking down the street but they couldn’t afford a dolly for the tracking shot, so they had the cameraman sit in a wheelchair and film while someone pulled him backwards to make the shot. Really that’s what French New Wave is all about: innovating and using filmmaking techniques that were unprecedented at the time.

 Star Trek Beyond – 6 – a really fun return to the franchise that actually felt somewhat like a Star Trek film—unlike that last one. It’s still just an action movie franchise now but it’s just a real good time.

 Lights Out – 3 – again, the praise this film received was COMPLETELY unwarranted and totally baffling. This movie blows and is so saturated with clichés that I can’t imagine liking this film. don’t waste ur time.

 Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates – 5 – actually hilarious movie. Really dumb but so goddamn funny. Zach Efron and Adam Devine are a great duo. Has arguably the best exchange about fisting in the history of film.

 Café Society – 6 – a pretty good modern Woody Allen film. Much better than his last two, Irrational Man and Magic in the Moonlight. It’s nice to see a film from Woody Allen that isn’t about a much older man falling in love with a much younger woman.

 Suicide Squad – 2 – “roses are red/there is no god/my favorite movie?/suicide squad.” – Gideon Ondap deadass one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I wrote a 10 page essay on this after it came out but basically the editing is jarring enough to induce brain trauma, the acting is atrocious, and the script is objectively bad. A complete and utter failure of a film. The name is a warning.

 The Room – 1 – another one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen yet 1000x more enjoyable than Suicide Squad. Tommy Wisseau is a genius and this is his magnum opus. Required viewing. Also I must say that a Suicide Squad/The Room double feature makes for one of the funniest nights of life.

 Scott Pilgrim vs The World – 8 – honestly one of my favorite movies. A super well done adaptation directed by Edgar Wright, this film is able to stand independently next to the already spectacular Scott Pilgrim graphic novel series. The music is incredible. It never gets old.

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 Sausage Party – 5 – obscene, racist, vulgar, and dumb as hell with a giant food orgy at one point. Still laughed at much of it.

 Captain Fantastic – 8 – a dad raising his kids to survive in the wilderness of Washington must bring them into society to attend their dead mother’s funeral. A big surprise and one of the most enjoyable movies I saw this year.

 Don’t Think Twice – 8 – Mike Birbiglia has always been one of my favorite comedians because his stories were so heartwarming, wholesome, and packed to the brim with jokes that would reward you on multiple viewings or listens. Don’t Think Twice is Mike’s second movie I believe, and it’s about an improv group in Brooklyn having fun doing their craft while trying to make a life for themselves. When you’re a comedian/improviser,, your friends are too, but if one of you actually gets a big break then it’s that person’s break and no one else’s. It causes a lot of tension between performers because even though they’re all friends, they’re still actively competing in a highly sought after profession. Judd Apatow came out after he saw the movie and said how accurately it depicts the life of comedy performers. It’s a really depressing (in a relatable way) and realistic take on the competitive world of improv and deals with friendship, comedy, and how cruel life can really be. Beautiful movie.

 American Beauty – 8 – really did not like this the first time but warmed up to it on the second viewing and it really shines despite many dated aspects.

 Antz – 6 – woody allen as a ant oy vey

 Back to the Future II – 5 – pretty bad sequel until he goes back to 1955. Worse than the third tbh

 Everybody Wants Some!! – 7 – even after the abortion that was Boyhood I didn’t give up on Richard Linklater and I’m glad I didn’t. This spiritual sequel to Dazed and Confused (but in the 80s this time!) was a ton of fun.

 Clapping for the Wrong Reasons – 8 – this short film written by Donald Glover and directed by Hiro Murai is about a surreal day in the life of The Boy, a character Donald Glover created as the speaker of his Because the Internet album (his magnum opus imo). Hot take: Chance v Bino push up contest contender for best film scene ever.

 Kubo and the Two Strings – 7 – the most beautiful disappointment of the year. The incredible stop motion animation is unfortunately much more enjoyable than the underwhelming story. Not as good as Coraline.

 Hell or High Water – 8 – the director of photography from Sicario returns for this modern western about two brothers who rob the banks that screwed over their mother. Great performances from Jeff Bridges, Ben Foster, and Chris Pine.

 Don’t Breathe – 7 – this horror film about three thieves who break into an old blind man’s house borders on exploitation film towards the end. Not that bad.

 Blair Witch – 6 – not as bad as everyone said it was. It’s a soft reboot of 99’s Blair Witch Project but with a modern horror twist—which means it relies mainly on jump scares and unnecessary use of found footage tropes rather than atmosphere building and genuine terror. I still thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the last 15 minutes or so were really spooky. The creature design was really great and the way time moved was an interesting horror device. If you liked the first one but were bored by it then you’ll probably like this one because it moves a bit faster although you might be bored by it too. Oh but side note: that drone scene was fucking stupid.

 Over The Garden Wall – 10 – this 10 episode cartoon network animated miniseries aired in the fall of 2014 and follows two boys as they wander through the woods to find their way back home. It stars Elijah Wood, Christopher Lloyd, Melanie Lynskey, John Cleese, Tom Lennon, and Tim Curry among others. The story itself is inspired by Dante Alighieri’s Inferno and the music is inspired by early 20th century Americana folk music. It’s literally the single most charming thing I’ve ever seen and it’s an absolute MUST SEE.

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 Doctor Strange – 7 – not much to say about this one but I liked it. The visuals were top notch and although Dr Strange is basically just Tony Stark pt 2, it makes sense considering how much lesser of a role Stark will play in later movies. I’m really excited for the new Thor movie now.

 The Purge Election Year – 4 – each Purge movie is better than the last and this third installment is still a 4. That’s pretty much all there is to say. There are some legitimately hilarious parts in this though—all unintentional.

 O Brother, Where Art Thou? – 7 – another silly Coen film and one of their most accessible. Good film based on the Odyssey.

 Arrival – 9 – Dennis Villeneuve is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors after last year’s Sicario and now 2016’s Arrival. This is a film about humanity, the complete frivolity of our problems, and how staying divided will be our undoing. The cinematography is breathtaking, the score is great (much of it follows the circle of 5ths, which will make sense after watching), the acting is good, and the film just has a beautiful sense of scope to it. I encourage you to watch this and DON’T WATCH ANY TRAILERS OR READ ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I assure you; you’ll want to go into this as blind as possible (and you should never watch trailers anyway they literally ruin films).  In Trump’s America this movie is even more important so please I urge you to watch this.

 Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them – 5 – the Phantom Menace of the Harry Potter universe, Fantastic Beasts has so much exposition and forced world building that anyone who hasn’t seen the first 8 hp films will probably have a tough time figuring out what’s going on. The opening sequence is literally just a montage of newspaper headlines saying how terrible this dark wizard is, which was done in harry potter but over the span of roughly 3 movies rather than 1 minute. Overall positives: the creature designs were fun, Jacob was rad, the humor was effective, the cgi wasn’t /that/ bad, newt’s hair was wavy af (and he was a hufflepuff, which I appreciate), and the costumes may get an Oscar nomination. As for the cons: so much panning, craning, and tracking that I could barely see what was going on due to low framerate, the first 10-15 minutes are a suicide squad level editing disaster, the pacing was weird at times, they revealed who the main antagonist was in his actual first scene, too many plotlines interweaved, inexcusably bad framing in a few shots, and the ending was a little bit Chekhov’s gun but was pretty much deus ex machina. This just didn’t feel as magical as the harry potter films and, like star wars 7, it feels like a failed attempt to recapture what made people love the franchise in the first place. It was a very flawed film but I still enjoyed it and will watch it again.

 Moana – 6 – VERY overrated but still good. How a lot of people felt about Frozen is how I feel about this movie. The animation was incredible, the voice acting was great, the songs were good (although not nearly as catchy or memorable as Frozen, save for Shiny) and it ends up being another Tangled, a movie I enjoyed but will forget about very soon—hell I’ve already forgotten about it. Just think about how long Frozen was a thing. People were talking about Frozen for months after and I haven’t seen anyone mention Moana since its opening weekend. Overall a huge disappointment. Zootopia was the far superior animated feature this year.

 The Handmaiden – 8 – my first Park Chan-wook film and I loved it ! This film is fucking enigma for the first half and then as soon as one detail is revealed it suddenly opens up and becomes an incredible psychological thriller. I honestly was not enjoying this film for the first act or so because of how seemingly meaningless it was but it really shaped up to be one of my favorites of the year. Never before have I experienced a film that made me 180 on opinion during the course of its runtime. Be warned: don’t see this with your parents or anyone you would feel awkward watching porn with because this shit is basically pornography at MANY points during the film. I don’t know if my friend and his brother have forgiven me yet.

 Unedited Footage of a Bear – 8 – there’s a tl;dr at the bottom of this one because it’s a little long and expository. I was watching an idubbbz video (https://youtu.be/5Bs45yITIt0) back in November and many criticized how unfunny and bizarre it was compared to his other content. People started to speculate that he was doing a metafictional series about his channel along the lines of alantutorial (https://www.youtube.com/user/alantutorial), a channel in which performance artist Alan Resnick plays a fictionalized version of himself who is depicted as a mentally ill young man obsessed with making tutorial videos. This alantutorial series is a commentary on poorly made tutorial videos that flood youtube, as well as social media in general and the overwhelming desire for likes, favorites, going viral, etc. after discovering Alan Resnick and watching all his videos I started to seek out his other content and I found this short film that aired as part of Adult Swim’s infomercial slot at 4 a.m. This may sound familiar to some as the timeslot for Too Many Cooks, which went viral. This short film, titled Unedited Footage of a Bear, can be watched here: https://youtu.be/2gMjJNGg9Z8 and parodies those commercials you’ll often see on tv about drugs that are peddled to mentally ill people without proper testing. This film depicts addiction as a force that can and will ruin your life, your family’s life, and will kill you if left unchecked. There’s an explanation you can watch here: https://youtu.be/_2e5ia9j0TA that explains it really well and is worth the watch. tl;dr: cool 10-minute short horror film about addiction by performance artist Alan Resnick – check it out.

Twin Peaks (Pilot) – 8 – it was good

 This House Has People In It – 8 – hey look another Alan Resnick short film. you can watch it here: https://youtu.be/x-pj8OtyO2I and the attempted explanation is here: https://youtu.be/mjBTAnCUbZc because this one is pretty complicated compared to footage of a bear. also worth the watch simply for the L O R E

 No Country For Old Men – 10 – one of the best movies of this century hands down. not sure if I rate it quite as high as There Will Be Blood though, which came out the same year. The Coen’s crowning achievement (although you could argue that title belongs to The Big Lebowski for reasons)

 Moonlight – 9 – a very heavy coming of age film about a young boy living in the south who attempts to find himself while growing up in an incredibly unforgiving environment. beautiful film and I’m excited to see it again. very very important film for LGBT issues.

 Nocturnal Animals – 8 – one of the biggest surprises this year. I LOVED this movie and it stayed with me for days. as soon as it started I made a mental note that I’d have to really pay attention to everything because I figured it would be heavy with metaphor and symbolism and boi was I right about that. Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal give great performances and I honestly can’t tell you the last time I got so emotionally invested in a film. people have criticized Adams’ performance as melodramatic and cold, which is the point because she’s not supposed to be likeable. the narrative structure is refreshing and fun to piece together and the visuals were pretty alright. my favorite part of this movie was piecing together all the metaphors (of which there are many) and figuring out what the events of the Nocturnal Animals manuscript (in the film) means for the characters. It’s been a very polarizing film apparently, which surprised me since it doesn’t really try to be anything more than it is. It definitely rewards close observation but I can’t guarantee everyone will like this one. I won’t say more because going into it blind is the best way but I do recommend it. Tense, emotional, gripping, funny. It’s good.

 x x x w i n t e r x x x

 Star Wars Rogue One – 8 – I really enjoyed this. I probably don’t need to say much because it’s star wars but this was the best star wars film since Empire Strikes Back in my opinion (although episode III wasn’t that bad). the characters were a little flat, some of the humor was out of place, and the first 30 minutes had bad pacing, but overall it was great. the action in this one was insane and I’m so happy that we finally got to see a proper space battle (and holy shit is it a good one). this has one of my favorite moments of the entire series and it actually feels like a star wars movie unlike episode VII.

 La La Land – 10 – I’m at a loss for words honestly. This movie is so fucking good. The soundtrack is incredible, the choreography is awesome, the cinematography is BEAUTIFUL, and the performances are wonderful. I could keep thinking of adjectives or I could just tell you to go see this movie as soon as you can. Best movie of the year hands down. LA has never looked so fucking good OH MAN please go see this movie you’ll surely regret it if you don’t. OH and we went to see this in the Vista Theater in LA, which was a once in a lifetime experience. See this in the most old-Hollywood theater you can because it actually improves it if that’s possible. Now there are some flaws, mainly in third act pacing, but it’s so enjoyable that it doesn’t matter.

 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – 10 – it’s a classic and could be considered a perfect film. not much to say but it’s definitely one of my favorites of all time. never gets old.

 Home Alone – 8 – this was the first time I watched Home Alone and I liked it.

 Assassin’s Creed – 6 – the neckbeard-y guy doing anime runs up and down the stairs of the theatre behind us really set the tone for this movie. I didn’t hate it but it was pretty dreary and I feel like almost nothing happened. I don’t think it translates to the screen well but it did capture the feel of the games, or at least the first one. Let’s just say after seeing this I went on a mission to watch at least one more movie so it wouldn’t be my last of the year.

 Swiss Army Man – 7 – the praise for this movie was a bit unwarranted. It’s really silly and touching but it wasn’t the modern masterpiece that everyone was saying it was. maybe I missed something but the corpse of Daniel Radcliffe farting is only tolerable and funny for so long. I will say that this is one of the most unique movies I’ve ever seen, so I’ll give it props for that, and the soundtrack was actually incredible. I enjoyed it very much and need to watch it again but it was alright.

Come Together – 8 – an H&M short film by Wes Anderson that can be watched here: https://youtu.be/VDinoNRC49c . It was cute and I guess it’ll hold me over until Isle of Dogs, which comes out in 2018 (no it won’t)

 The Lobster – 8 – this absurd commentary on relationships and their influence on society is just bizarre and has a wonderfully dry performance from Colin Farrell and, well, every other actor too. this film is just crazy and I really need to watch it again. Expect it to be on my next year’s list as well. TOP TEN RELEASED IN 2016 xxx 10 – The Nice Guys

9 – Hell or High Water

8 – The Handmaiden

7 – Don’t Think Twice

6 – The Witch

5 – Moonlight

4 – Nocturnal Animals

3 – Green Room

2 – Arrival

1 – La La Land honorable mentions: Captain Fantastic, Horace and Pete, The Neon Demon, Make Happy recommendations: Frances Ha, Mistress America, Over the Garden Wall, The World of Tomorrow, Midnight in Paris, Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl, The Lobster and finally the award for worst movie of the year goes to ,,,,, SUICIDE SQUAD duh. In 2016 I watched 77 movies, which is terrible considering I watched 124 last year and 92 in 2014. That gap from September to November really killed me in that regard and hopefully it won’t happen again or for as long next time. Overall this was actually a pretty weak year for movies it seems. Looking at my top of the year list, it looks significantly weaker than last year’s which had The Revenant, It Follows, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, Sicario, and Brooklyn. If anyone has questions or suggestions about anything I’d love to have a discussion so feel free. Here’s to another year of great movies. also if you’d like to follow me on twitter @thejoeydavis please do because I’m a huge slut for likes and I desperately want and need your approval. thanks for reading

[thejoeydavis]

Movies of 2015

Movies of 2015

This is a list of all the movies I watched in 2015 in chronological order. Paired with each movie is a rating and some thoughts. I started doing this in 2014 for fun and now it’s something I plan to do for every year in the foreseeable future. In 2014 I watched 92 movies and this year I watched 124. For 2016 I hope to reach around 150 and my goal is to watch more old films since I rarely go back further than the 70s. If you end up reading this then you can read the whole thing or just scroll down to find movies you’ve heard of (or the highest rated ones). The quality of writing in this is pretty bad because I’m not spending too much time on each film but rather just doing a quick overview. Also I’m doing very little revising after I just vomit the words onto the page. The longer I write, the more fatigued I get too so see if you can pick out the ones I wrote when I was tired. Excuses, excuses. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll possibly/probably be doing more of these in the near future. tl;dr: There’s gonna be a top 10 of the year at the bottom if you just want some quick recommendations. Movies marked with an asterisk were seen in the theater.

 1. The Babadook: 6/10 – This Australian horror film was praised for being a return to form for the horror genre and caused quite the buzz online among film forums. I liked it when I first saw it but on subsequent watches I didn’t enjoy it as much and actually found it pretty average. But with some terrifying moments and a very tense atmosphere, it’s still worth seeing if you’re a fan of horror.

 2. Paranormal Activity 5: 3.5/10 – Yet another mediocre installment of the Paranormal Activity series. The first PA was a masterpiece of low-budget modern horror and revolutionized the genre in the same way Blair Witch did. Unfortunately, the rest of the series was no such masterpiece. If I were to rate them I would go: 1, 3, 2, 5, 4. PA4 was TERRIBLE. I don’t recommend unless you’re bored at a sleepover or something.

 3. Nightcrawler: 7/10 – This was getting a lot of buzz in late 2014 and I was lucky enough to get my hands on a Screener copy meant for the academy awards. This was one of the sleeper hits of 2014 and it really showcased Jake Gyllenhaal as a great actor. If you enjoyed Taxi Driver, American Psycho, and Drive (2011) then you’ll probably like this one. A true recommendation.

 4. American Sniper: 6/10 – Clint Eastwood’s newest movie, this one got a lot of flak for being an “American Propaganda” film. I, however, didn’t feel like it was propaganda. A lot of people criticized it for its negative portrayal of Middle Eastern people but those people probably don’t know anyone in the military. Coming from a Navy town, the negative sentiment towards Middle Easterns is how a lot of people in the military think and not just Eastwood trying to be anti-Muslim. I felt it was actually an anti-war film since it basically has the theme of “war follows you home” what with the PTSD experienced by Chris Kyle.

 5. Birdman: 9/10 – I loved this movie. I LOVED this movie. Michael Keaton killed it and Alejandro Iñárritu showed off his directing chops with this theatrical surrealist film. If you haven’t seen this yet then do yourself a favor and watch it. The Academy isn’t great but at least they got this one right with Best Picture. Watch it.

 6. The Road to El Dorado: 7/10 – One of my favorite animated movies and one I have a deep nostalgia for. This was one of those traditional animation films from the late 90s/early 2000s alongside Disney’s Atlantis that didn’t do well in the box office but would go on to become a sort of cult classic.

 7. Whiplash: 8/10 – After starring in the mediocre Divergent movies Miles Teller received his breakout role as Andrew Neiman in Whiplash. The real star of this movie, however, is J.K. Simmons who puts in an award-winning, powerhouse performance. If you haven’t seen this movie yet then you’re missing out. It also contains one of the greatest climax scenes in film history that will make you jump out of your seat with excitement (maybe that’s just me).

 8. Inherent Vice*: 8/10 – Paul Thomas Anderson is one of those directors whose films guarantee a good time. Other directors like this include Wes Anderson, the Coen Brothers and Quentin Tarantino. Inherent Vice is no exception. Adapted from the Thomas Pynchon novel of the same name, this movie takes place in 1970 Southern California. It really captures the end of the hippy era and a time when the future was relatively complicated and uncertain. It’s a somewhat neo-noir film like The Big Lebowski where there are many intersecting motivations and character arcs that influence you to try and piece together the story. If you’re a fan of Paul Thomas Anderson (and you should be since he’s one of the best directors working today) then I would tell you to drop whatever you’re doing and watch this right now. You won’t regret it (although you might want to watch it twice since it is IMMENSELY confusing the first time).

 9. There Will Be Blood: 10/10 – Another Paul Thomas Anderson movie and arguably one of the greatest films of all time. This is what I consider a perfect movie. Daniel Day Lewis puts forth a legendary performance and secures his place as one of the best actors of all time. This is pretty much required viewing at this point.

 10. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: 7.5/10 – I watch this a few times a year and I think it’s my favorite Wes Anderson movie (although Grand Budapest is pretty great too). Bill Murray plays Steve Zissou, a Jacques Cousteau-esque character who is washed up after the death of his friend and partner Esteban. He vows to find the shark that ate him and kill it. This gets a definite recommendation from me as it is one of the most accessible Wes Anderson films.

 11. The Mist: 6/10 – Adapted from a Steven King novel, this is truly a terrifying movie about a town enveloped by a mist that contains weird, murderous, otherworldly creatures. The CGI is a bit dated but the story is legitimately scary. Funny story actually, my mom took me to see this when I was like 11 and she apologized to me after it was over because of how disturbing it was.

 12. Project Almanac*: 2/10 – This movie sucked.

 13. Punch-Drunk Love: 7/10 – This Paul Thomas Anderson movie is probably one of his worst, which means it’s still pretty good. Adam Sandler gives a surprisingly great performance in this simple love story between a plunger salesman and a pretty girl. I need to watch this a second time.

 14. The Master: 9/10 – Paul Thomas Anderson you magnificent bastard. This movie starring Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman (RIP) is a sort of criticism of Scientology that crosses over into the realm of surrealism. The Master is truly a mind-fuck and a masterpiece of a film in every sense. Might take a couple watches to “get it.”

 15. Wild: 6/10 – Reese Witherspoon stars in this adaptation of the novel of the same name by Cheryl Strayed about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. It was pretty okay and it gave me some serious wanderlust.

 16. The Big Lebowski: 9/10 – One of my favorite movies, Jeff Bridges stars in this late 90s Coen Brothers movie about a chill Dude who gets thrust into a plot far bigger and more complicated than himself. With a supporting cast of John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Julianne Moore, this film is a tried and true classic.

 17. Foxcatcher*: 5/10 – This movie received a ton of praise and the only reason I can think of is Steve Carell’s performance. It’s true that Carell was almost unrecognizable in this but the plot was so slow and meandering that it was an absolute chore to get through. I don’t recommend this one.

 18. Boyhood: 6/10 – DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TOOK 12 YEARS TO MAKE??? Of all the overrated movies, this is one of them. I can’t fucking believe that this got a nomination for best picture. With a bland “story” where nothing happens and an awful performance from everyone but Ethan Hawke, Boyhood is a true disappointment. Although it was a feat to make this over 12 years, it’s nothing more than a gimmick to me. The best thing about this was Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire on the soundtrack.

 19. My Dinner with Andre: 9/10 – Wallace Shawn (INCONCEIVABLE) and Andre Gregory (famous theatre director) haven’t seen each other in five years and agree to sit down for a meal together. The result is literally two hours of them having a conversation. It is a movie devoid of all clichés and it is heartwarming as it is charming. I would definitely recommend this to fans of theatre since that’s how it resonated the most with me.

 20. Cinderella (2014)*: 5/10 – Another needless live-action reboot of a fairytale. The costumes were really good at least.

 21. The Imitation Game: 6.5/10 – Blueberry Cucumberbelt gave a great performance as Alan Turing but this was still pretty Oscar-baity. I enjoyed it though.

 22. Annie Hall: 10/10 – One of my favorite movies of all time, Woody Allen’s Annie Hall is regarded as one of his best alongside Manhattan and Hannah and Her Sisters. I don’t even know how to describe this film other than charming and overall just a masterpiece of cinema. Watch it if you haven’t.

 23. The Grand Budapest Hotel: 9/10 – Wes Anderson’s most Wes Anderson-y film to date. Probably his best. Of course I’m going to recommend it.

 24. Chef: 7/10 – An all around feel good movie. There was no real conflict in this at all, which surprisingly wasn’t a bad thing. Don’t watch this movie while hungry or you will die.

 25. Insurgent*: 4/10 – Stop adapting shitty young adult dystopian novels into movies please. This shit is cliché as hell.

 26. The Captive: 4/10 – A movie with Ryan Reynolds that I didn’t want to watch. My expectations were correct and this movie was not very good at all.

 27. World’s Greatest Dad: 6/10 – Robin Williams plays a dad whose son accidentally kills himself. Williams forges a suicide note to spare his son the embarrassment but the lie spins out of control. A pretty okay movie. RIP Robin Williams.

 28. Get Hard*: 5/10 – Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart. Meh. I laughed a few times.

 29. It’s Such a Beautiful Day: 7/10 – This is an animated film by Don Hertzfeldt who you may know as the creator of Rejected (https://youtu.be/MuOvqeABHvQ).  This movie is on netflix and it’s pretty surreal and depressing. I recommend it if you’re having a good day and want to get all sad and introspective before crying yourself to sleep.

 30. Kingsman: The Secret Service: 7.5/10 – A real surprise this year. A pretty good R-rated spy movie with Samuel L. Jackson and some British people. One scene in particular stands out as truly great (if you’ve seen it you know which one).

 31. The Great Mouse Detective: 7/10 – An old Disney classic about Basil of Baker Street (aka Sherlock Holmes: mouse edition). A classic.

 32. Forgetting Sarah Marshall: 8/10 – One of the best comedies of all time in my opinion. It’s the perfect movie for after a break up or just when you’re feeling a bit down (or any other time really). Jason Segel and Mila Kunis kill it while Paul Rudd offers up some seriously quotable lines like, “When life gives you lemons, just say fuck it and bail.”

 33. Get Him to the Greek: 7.5/10 – One of those comedies you can watch over and over again. There are some seriously great moments in this movie like TJ Miller dealing drugs to Jonah Hill, the Vegas party, and the Today show bit. Russel Brand is especially great.

 34. A Serious Man: 8/10 – The Coen brothers are true geniuses and this film is no exception. Mirroring the story of Job from the Bible, this film follows a Jewish man as a series of terrible things happen to him. Highly recommended.

 35. The Last of the Unjust: 7/10 – At over three and a half hours, this Holocaust documentary is a spiritual sequel to Shoah, the ten hour documentary by the same director (Claude Lanzmann). A very important documentary but a very difficult one to get through.

 36. Avengers: Age of Ultron*: 6/10 –Joss Wedon is good at writing snappy, humorous dialogue but when there’s supposed to be a real threat like Ultron, all that does is kill any possible tension. Marvel movies are usually great but this was the weakest in a while.

 37. It Follows*: 8/10 – This was a real surprise. I had heard great things about this movie but finally seeing it was on another level of fucking amazing. The soundtrack is killer, the premise is great, and it’s a completely solid horror movie. If you enjoy horror then do not miss this movie.

 38. Ex Machina*: 8/10 – I knew nothing about this going in and I preferred it that way. Basically Oscar Isaac and Domnhall Gleeson (both rising stars) lead this amazing science fiction/drama film about AI and robotics. One of the best of the year.

 39. Wet Hot American Summer: 7.5/10 – I can’t believe I didn’t see this movie until now. Paul Rudd, Jon Benjamin, Bradley Cooper, Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, Janeane Garofalo, Amy Poehler, and Elizabeth Banks also star in this movie.

 40. Clouds of Sils Maria*: 6/10 – A real indie film. Kristen Stewart really showcases her acting ability here with a believable and honest performance. Chloe Grace Moretz also kills it. Recommended if you’re a hipster fuck who likes art house movies like me.

 41. Knocked Up: 7/10 - Can’t believe I didn’t see this until now. Great movie. Everyone knows this.

 42. Mad Max: Fury Road*: 8/10 – When I first watched this I didn’t really like it. It had so much online buzz as this huge movie that could be the best of the year. I guess my expectations were too high but I was really disappointed. On subsequent watches, however, I realized why the movie was so praised. The art direction of the film is amazing, the sound design is spectacular, and the camerawork is seriously impressive. When you’re watching it just think about how they got each shot. It will blow your mind.

 43. Ouija: 3/10 – This movie is ass.

 44. Jurassic Park: 9/10 – It’s Jurassic Park you know it’s good.

 45. Poltergeist (2015)*: 3/10 – This movie was awful and the original definitely didn’t need to be remade. Sam Rockwell was the only redeeming quality of this movie but even he couldn’t save it.

 46. Zombeavers: 4/10 – An ironic horror/comedy that doesn’t take itself seriously. It was enjoyable. This movie didn’t even try and it was better than Poltergeist. Fuck you Poltergeist.

 47. San Andreas Quake: 3.5/10 – No not the one with The Rock. This was the ripoff made by the same people behind Sharknado. It was funny.

 48. Dumb and Dumber To*: 5/10 – Nothing compares to the original and this one shouldn’t have been made. It had its moments though.

 49. San Andreas*: 5.5/10 – Here’s the one with The Rock. This wasn’t a good movie in any sense of the word but it was sure entertaining. The CGI in the whole movie except for the laughably bad first scene is gorgeous.

 50. Boogie Nights: 9.5/10 – Paul Thomas Anderson’s breakout hit and one of my favorite movies of all time. The film follows Mark Whalberg who plays DIRK DIGGLER, the porn star who gets directed into the profession by Burt Reynolds. Julianne Moore, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and John C. Reilly give it their absolute all in this movie and it is basically required viewing at this point.

 51. Insidious 3*: 3/10 – The 3 stands for 3 out of 10. I don’t remember this movie at all, which means it was bad. Oh actually I remember there was a black scuba ghost. That’s all I remember.

 52. Midnight in Paris: 7.5/10 – One of the only “good” modern Woody Allen films. This is about Owen Wilson travelling back in time to 1920s Paris. Every character in this film is charming and the storyline is fun and interesting. See this.

 53. Spy*: 6.5/10 – A legitimate surprise. I don’t like Melissa McCarthy but she was surprisingly bearable in this. She didn’t play the “I’m fat and oops I fall down” character (for the most part). Jason Statham makes the movie.

 54. Jurassic World*: 6/10 – I really liked this when it came out but it’s ultimately non-memorable and just not well directed. It was essentially a pretty cheap nostalgia cash grab in my opinion.

 55. Inside Out*: 7.75/10 – Not my favorite Pixar film but it was definitely good. I liked the animation style (ooh the textures) and the story was pretty solid. It’s probably in the middle of my Pixar ranking list.

 56. Manhattan: 8.5/10 –Woody Allen is a true master of his craft and Manhattan is a truly great film. If you want to get to know Woody Allen as a director more I would recommend this or Annie Hall.

 57. Synecdoche, New York: 9/10 – Charlie Kaufman is a known genius so it comes as no surprise that this is a true work of art. This film will most likely go down in history as one of the greats due to its sheer density. Phillip Seymour Hoffman absolutely destroys his fucking role and brings a great performance to this visceral film. Highly inaccessible and most people will probably hate this film but it is a true masterpiece so watch it as many times you need until it clicks.

 58. O’ Brother Where Art Thou?: 7/10 - Another Coen Brothers movie and another classic. I think it’s one of their weaker films but it’s terribly entertaining. Definite recommendation.

 59. Magnolia: 8/10 – I watched this but I was largely distracted for whatever reason. I need to watch it again. Still a great movie by Paul Thomas Anderson though. Often considered one of his best.

 60. Danny Collins: 6/10 – Surprisingly good performance by Al Pacino. Didn’t want to watch this and ended up liking it.

 61. Terminator Genisys*: 4/10 – Ooh this movie was bad. Entertaining sure, but really bad as well.

 62. Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl*: 9/10 – One of the most touching and heartbreaking films I’ve watched in recent memory. The style is entirely unique and the story is a rollercoaster of feelings. If you see any of these I would highly recommend this one.

 63. The Social Network: 8/10 – David Fincher is a masterful director and he brings his A-game with The Social Network. No, it’s not just “The Facebook Movie,” but a compelling dramatization of the creation of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook.

 64. The Gallows*: 1/10 – When people ask me what movies I’ve considered walking out of, I answer “The Gallows.” This movie is a pile of fucking horseshit. If you gave a disable baboon $10,000 and told it to make a movie, this is the shit it would come up with. Fuck you The Gallows.

 65. Minions*: 6/10 – Not as good as Despicable Me but who doesn’t love those minions right? The movie we’ve all been asking for right? Right?

 66. Trainwreck*: 6.75/10 – It was pretty okay. Bill Hader was funny and Amy Schumer played drunk, slutty Amy Schumer (so just regular Amy Schumer am I right? ahahaha /sarcasm). There were some dumb jokes like asking for the check and the John Cena gay jokes (the joke is that he’s gay, hahaha what’s a punchline?).

 67. Ant-Man*: 7/10 – A surprising hit. Paul Rudd was great as always but the villain was pretty underdeveloped. Other than that, a solid marvel movie.

 68. Paper Towns*: 4/10 – Maybe as its own standalone movie this is good but compared to the book it is FUCKING AWFUL. It would’ve taken like two days to write an amazing adaptation but instead we get this fucking shit. Vampire Weekend and Bon Iver on the soundtrack made it bearable.  

 69. The Stanford Prison Experiment*: 7.5/10 – Infuriating movie about the ethics of running psychological experiments on people. I’d say this is a pretty important movie to see and at least a thing you should read up about.

 70. They Live: 6.5/10 – After learning about the death of Rowdy Roddy Piper I felt it only fitting that I watch the John Carpenter film starring the man. You don’t realize how many modern things reference this movie and it offers up some truly memorable quotes like, “I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

 71. Vacation*: 4/10 – Not good. Stop remaking old IPs to make money.

 72. Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation*: 7.5/10 – Often called a “better James Bond film than Spectre,” Rogue Nation shows that the Mission Impossible series is only getting better with each installment. Looking forward to the next one.

 73. Pitch Perfect 2: 5/10 – The first one was great and the second one was made for one reason: MONEY MONEY MONEY. Not good.

 74. The Man from U.N.C.L.E.*: 7/10 – I really liked this movie even though a lot of people thought it fell short. This was great year for spy movies and this is no exception. Definite recommendation.

 75. The Gift*: 7/10 – Joel Edgerton’s directorial debut was a surprise hit with critics and audiences. I really did like this movie but damn was it disturbing. The future is looking bright for Joel Edgerton.

 76. Sinister 2*: 5/10 – The first one was great and this one was not. It certainly wasn’t Insidious 3 levels of bad but it wasn’t a needed sequel.

 77. A Clockwork Orange*: 8/10 – I got to see this in the theater, which is a feat in itself, and I loved it. A lot of people are turned off by the ultra-violence in this movie but Stanley Kubrick really hit a bulls eye with this one.

 78. American Ultra*: 5/10 – Sorry Max Landis but I didn’t like this one. A lot of people thought it was fucky because it was billed as a stoner comedy when it was more of a sleeper agent movie but I just didn’t like it because it wasn’t great.

 79. Shakespeare In Love: 7/10 – Pretty good movie. Shouldn’t have won best picture against Saving Private Ryan though.

 80. Romeo and Juliet (1968): 7/10 – Another Shakespeare film for my film class and this is probably one of my favorites we watched all year. Mercutio is my favorite.

 81. Irrational Man*: 7/10 – I feel like this movie got a lot of hate because it’s Woody Allen. If some amateur wrote this then it would be praised for the script but because we compare it to Woody Allen’s previous work, it falls short. I actually enjoyed it and found it quite entertaining.

 82. Billy Madison: 5/10 – I used to say “Adam Sandler hasn’t made any good movies since Mr. Deeds, Happy Gilmore, and Billy Madison.” I now need to watch Happy Gilmore because Billy Madison isn’t as good as I remembered it. This is a really dumb movie aside from this scene: https://youtu.be/jaaMAuwwHPc , which is one of my favorite things ever.

 83. When Animals Dream*: 6/10 – This Danish thriller is about a girl who is turning into a werewolf and must deal with whatever challenges that brings. It’s a very dark film and it gets utterly depressing at point. Still enjoyed it. First foreign film of the year.

 84. Romeo + Juliet (1996): 5/10 – Baz Luhrmann’s Great Gatsby was great but I felt this was a little too stylized for me. This is the campiest movie I’ve seen in a while except for the Mercutio death scene.

 85. The Diary of a Teenage Girl*: 9/10 – I honestly enjoyed the fuck out of this movie. I almost wrote this long-ass review about it but got bored halfway through and deleted it. Basically it’s about a girl in 1970s San Francisco that is discovering herself as she goes through puberty. It is a very good film.

 86. Treasure Planet: 7/10 – I like this movie and feel like it’s pretty underrated by most people.

 87. Big Fish: 7/10 – I forgot how touching this movie is. It’s like a nostalgia bomb for your heart.

 88. Lost in Translation: 7/10 –I really enjoyed the atmosphere of this movie and thought it felt similar to Spike Jonze’s “Her.” Really good for a rainy day or a night in by yourself.

 89. Tig: 7/10 – Tig Notaro is a comedian who fought breast cancer while making a killing doing standup. A very good and touching documentary on netlflix.

 90. Black Mass*: 7/10 – Johnny Depp’s return to form as Whitey Bulger made for an enjoyable movie going experience. A little slow at times but a good movie overall.

 91. West Side Story (1961): 7/10 – This was the first time I saw West Side Story. I liked it.

 92. Mistress America*: 8/10 – I really really liked this movie. The director, Noah Baumbach, also directed the better-known “Frances Ha.” If you like snappy dialogue and have 90 minutes to spare then watch this.

 93. The Green Inferno*: 6/10 – I was very excited for this movie since nothing but schlock had really come out in a while. Eli Roth (the Bear Jew) made this tribute to cannibal horror films of the 1970s by taking SJW’s and putting them in the forest and killing them. There were a few scenes in this that made me physically sick and that NEVER happens. Props to Eli Roth for a truly disturbing (but often campy) film.

 94. The End of the Tour*: 8/10 – I was looking forward to this movie for a while after Jason Segel talked about it on the Marc Maron podcast. Reminiscent of My Dinner with Andre, The End of the Tour is mainly just Jason Segel (playing genius author David Foster Wallace) and Jesse Eisenberg having a conversation. Ultimately a very moving film full of laughs and great characters. One of my favorites this year.

 95. The Yes Men Fix the World: 6.5/10 – This documentary is about two men who routinely pose as corporate higher ups to expose the hypocrisy of corporations. Very funny.

 96. The Martian*: 7/10 – Matt Damon plays Mark Watney, an astronaut who gets stranded on Mars and must survive while Earth and his crew figures out how to rescue him. With stellar performances by Matt Damon, Jeff Daniels, Kristen Wiig, and Donald Glover, this is a must see from this year.

 97. Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)*: 6.5/10 – If you wondered what a good example of 80s cheese is then look no further than the original Nightmare on Elm Street. I got to see this during a special screening for Halloween and even though the movie is cheesy as fuck, it’s ultimately enjoyable. Spooky shit.

 98. Much Ado About Nothing (2012): 5.75/10 – Joss Wedon and Nathan Fillion used to go over to each other’s houses and practice doing scenes from Much Ado About Nothing until one weekend, one of them decided, “Hey let’s make a movie about it,” and that is what they did. It’s enjoyable for fans of Shakespeare but the average person can skip it.

 99. The Salt of the Earth: 7.5/10 – A truly inspiring documentary about the works of photographer Sebastião Salgado and his involvement with humanitarian efforts in Africa and South America. If you get a chance to see this I would highly recommend it as it is a beautiful film.

 100. Sicario*: 8/10 – Emily Blunt plays an FBI drug agent on the US-Mexico border and is roped into a conspiracy filled assignment taking down top Mexican drug cartel members. Emily Blunt and Josh Brolin give great performances but the real star is Benicio Del Toro whose character is TERRIFYING. One of the best of the year and the cinematography is top notch. See this. (By the way, it’s pronounced “See-sar-ee-oh” not “Sick-are-ee-oh”)

 101. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story: 7.25/10 – This movie is fucking hilarious. John C. Reilly plays Dewey Cox, a Johnny Cash parody, in this biopic style movie about the life and career of this musical prodigy/idiot. Seriously one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen.

 102. Vanya on 42nd Street: 7/10 – I really didn’t pay full attention to this one but it’s very good. Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn return to put on a performance of “Vanya” at an abandoned theatre in New York. Very interesting and a must-see for fans of Chekhov.

 103. Goodnight Mommy*: 7/10 – I remember seeing the trailer for this, ( https://youtu.be/0kXpUaQpXMA ) and it was legitimately spooky. The movie was a little underwhelming but just barely. Overall it was very good and you don’t really expect what happens. Great foreign horror film.

 104. Crimson Peak*: 6.5/10 – Guillermo Del Toro received a huge budget for a horror movie ($55 million) and although this is a good Victorian drama it’s not a very scary movie. That isn’t a bad thing however, and only points to the wrongful marketing for this film. I liked it and Tom Hiddleston was amazing. The concept was well executed and the color design was beautiful. I’d recommend it.

 105. Goosebumps*: 6/10 – Surprisingly not that shitty. Would recommend if you have kids or liked Goosebumps as a kid.

 106. Back to the Future: 9/10 – Probably one of my favorites of all time. Had to watch it on October 23, 2015.

 107. Hannah and Her Sisters: 7.5/10 – I need to watch this again because I don’t remember anything about it other than Woody Allen worrying about himself dying. I do remember enjoying it though. Also it’s a Woody Allen film so you can’t really go wrong.

 108. Steve Jobs*: 7.5/10 – A surprisingly good movie what with the terrible Ashton Kutcher Jobs movie from earlier in the year. Aaron Sorkin is a masterful writer but sadly the directorial direction doesn’t live up to the script. Still pretty good though.

 109. Spectre*: 7/10 – Probably the worst Daniel Craig James Bond movie aside from Quantum of Solace. No memorable set pieces, dumb motivations, plot armor, and Christoph Waltz was criminally underutilized. That being said, I enjoyed it.

 110. The Peanuts Movie*: 7.5/10 – Great movie with a charming animation style that stays true to the original cartoon.

 111. The Hunger Games Mockingjay (Part 2)*: 5/10 – The first Hunger Games book was great, the second Hunger Games book was awful, and I never read the third one. In comparison, the first Hunger Games movie was alright, the second was great, and the third one(s) were fucking schlock. STOP SPLITTING THE FINALE INTO TWO MOVIES. STOP. We know you just love money so fucking much that the thought of only making 200 million instead of 400 is just so sickening that you simply can’t fathom doing so but please for the love of Christ, STOP. That being said, I’m glad the series is over because this movie was garbage. There were a few good parts but overall it was shit.

 112. The Night Before*: 7/10 – This was pretty funny and the chemistry between Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie, and Joseph Gordon Levitt was great. Also had the greatest cameo of all time.

 113. The Good Dinosaur*: 6/10 – Visually beautiful but lacking in story, this is probably the worst Pixar film. Yes, worse than Cars (which I personally like).

 114. Trumbo*: 8/10 – COMMUNISM. This movie is about screenwriter Dalton Trumbo, played by Bryan Cranston, who is blacklisted by Hollywood for his Communist political beliefs. Especially relevant with today’s differences in political systems and religious beliefs, I believe this will be a significant work of the 2010s. Also Louis C.K. did great.

 115. Krampus*: 6/10 – Wasn’t a fan of this really but it’s probably because I’m not used to the tone. If you liked Gremlins or Trick R Treat (by the same director) then you’ll like this one.

 116. Brooklyn*: 8.5/10 – I loved loved loved this movie. An Irish immigrant in the early 1950s (played by Saoirse Ronan) tries to thrive in Brooklyn, New York. This film goes to show that you don’t need a huge problem to drum up conflict. I seriously recommend that you find this and watch it.

 117. American Beauty: 7.5/10 – I can’t believe I had never seen this before. I really enjoyed it and Kevin Spacey was great as always. A true classic.

 118. Spotlight*: 8/10 – This movie is probably going to win best picture for 2015. I enjoyed it and thought performances from Michael Keaton and Mark Ruffalo were great but if it weren’t for them and also the subject matter (Catholic Priests molesting children) then I don’t think this would be as popular as it is. Still a great movie and one you should see since Best Picture is one of those required viewings for the year.

 119. Star Wars IV: A New Hope: 8/10 – Do I really need to say anything about this?

 120. Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back: 9/10 – One of the few near perfect movies and the best Star Wars movie out of them all. I love this movie. Oh also it’s worth noting that these were the “Despecialized” versions, which meant that they are as close as possible to the original theatrical releases as possible. A very lucky thing to see after George Lucas royally fucked up the series with needless CGI and dumb added scenes. Don’t mess with perfection George.

 121. Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens*: 7.5/10 – If I were to rate the Star Wars films, I would say: 5, 4, 7, 6, 3, 1, 2. TFA is better than Jedi but it’s really just a soft reboot of the original trilogy, hitting all the same beats as A New Hope. To me it didn’t feel like a Star Wars movie as much as it felt like a JJ Abrams action movie, which is fine. I wish they hadn’t been so safe with the plot by just mirroring the fourth movie but I’m sure when Episode VIII comes out I’ll be able to make an accurate judgment about the film. I enjoyed it though and want to see it again soon.

 122. Sisters*: 5.5/10 – Pretty funny and enjoyable. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are a great comedy duo.

 123. The Revenant*: 9/10 – Leonardo DiCaprio may finally win that Best Actor award after all. This was a tense rollercoaster of a film and the performances were amazing. Tom Hardy really blew me away with how great of a performance he was able to give and I felt he should definitely win Best Supporting Actor for this film. The art direction was great and if you don’t follow the Director of Photography Emmanuel Lubezki on instagram (@chivexp) then do it because he’s amazing. Some fun trivia is that this movie was filmed entirely in natural light (and then color corrected later), which is a real technical feat. Overall an amazing movie and Alejandro Iñárritu does it again.

 124. The Hateful Eight (70mm)*: 9.2/10 – A lot of people forget that film is an art form. Most people see it as entertainment and nothing more and will only watch the biggest movies of the year like Star Wars, Avengers, and Jurassic World. Going to the movies used to be this grand event like going to see a play. You’d put on nice clothes, go down to the theater early, buy some concessions, and take your seat in the theater. There weren’t previews to kill the atmosphere but instead the lights would dim and the film would start. Sometimes with bigger movies there would be an overture for a few minutes and then the opening sequence would start. That doesn’t happen anymore, which is why Quentin Tarantino decided to bring the old movie experience back. He did it.

We drove down to Burbank to see The Hateful Eight in 70mm, which if you don’t know, is a kind of a big deal. 70mm is crisper, brighter and bigger than its normal 35mm counterpart. A lot of people preach its inadequacy to large resolution digital films but whereas digital has a resolution of about 2,000 pixels, 70mm films can be scanned at as high as 8,000 pixels, making it a far more detailed format. 70mm also projects at an aspect ratio of 2.39:1 compared to the normal theatrical ratio of 1.85:1. Basically it’s really wide. Quentin Tarantino, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Christopher Nolan are all keeping this format alive and if you appreciate film then drive as far as you can to see every 70mm showing. Anyway, the film was very good and everyone did an amazing job. Samuel L. Jackson was great as usual and Walton Goggins really stole the show. It was great to see Tim Roth again and Jennifer Jason Leigh and Kurt Russell were hilarious. Overall just a great film. To place it among other Tarantino films, I’d probably put it below Pulp Fiction, Inglourious Basterds, and maybe Django. Honestly if you like Reservoir Dogs, Django, and the opening scene of Inglourious Basterds then you’ll probably love this one. Perfect film to end the year with.

 Top 10 released in 2015: 1. The Hateful Eight

2. The Revenant

3. It Follows

4. Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl

5. Sicario

6. The End of the Tour

7. Mistress America

8. Brooklyn

9. Trumbo

10. Diary of a Teenage Girl Honorable mentions: Spotlight, The Martian, Mad Max, The Man from UNCLE, Steve Jobs

 At a total of 6385 words, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be. I’ll probably write more shit like this soon so stay tuned to your social medias. Thanks for reading.

[thejoeydavis]

hip

It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but you decided that it was a good idea to use marshmallows instead of wood to power the engine, and you decided to replace the throttle with a cooked spaghetti noodle, and you decided to fit every train-car with a fully stocked bar, and you got drunk instead of learning how to drive a train, and you only play artsy black and white films on the in-car screens, and you read poems over the intercom that no one really wants to hear, and you spent a ton of money on this train knowing too well that the track just sort of ends, and you watch as your friends drive their trains to meetings with foreign diplomats and business partners, and all the while you sit and read Kerouac and Ginsberg on your conductor’s seat made of grass fed soy and hand picked down, and you sip hard cider from a mason jar that you bought from Urban Outfitters for thirty dollars, and you thumb through your journal to find that poem you wrote about existentialism or whatever-the-fuck while you were waiting for your Uber to give you a ride home, and you were drunk enough to pay for a ride but not drunk enough to forget the walk home, and you protested GMOs while eating your organic bananas, and you know they’re organic because the label says so, and you later read that a natural unmodified banana is practically inedible, so you just pretend that article didn’t exist, and you drive home in your BMW, and you look down on those that ride the bus, and you tweet about being poor on your $600 iPhone, and you write about being poor on your $1200 Macbook, and you realize that knowing you have a problem is the first step, and you make a change because you realize you got away from the train metaphor, and you often take breaks from conducting the train because you’re tired and it’ll be fine if you take a few shifts off, and then later you desperately try to make up for those lost shifts because holy shit what the fuck were you thinking why didn’t you just do the shifts in the first place it’s so much easier to just do them in the first place than to try and make them up later, and you hit the road with your books and your rucksack, and you deviate from the path, because you know that the old way was getting tired after a few dozen times, so you drive to the city but the city is too crowded, and no one here knows how to fucking drive, so you go back to where that girl took you, and you have an epiphany because you so miss those three days all those months ago, sure, the trip was doomed from the start, sure, the friend was using you, sure, the weed was good, sure, the views were grand, sure, the drive was beautiful, sure, the Chipotle was delicious, sure, the weed was good, sure, you smoked WAY too much, sure, you drove twelve hours just to reenter your comfort zone, sure, you died a little inside, but you know that the pain would make for a KILLER screenplay, so you add another idea to the back burner, and you sit in coffee shops pretending to work on something important, really you just can’t stand being home, and you just want to be cool and write something that’s gonna change the world, and you delude yourself into thinking that, because if you didn’t then you’d just quit, and if you quit then you were never really going to make it anyway, the only way to win is to keep pretending that you’re winning, fake it long enough and you just might finish the track in time.

[thejoeydavis]

First Post - 10:57 p.m.

I posted here once before but it was terrible. You know how you read things like tweets or old Facebook statuses from years ago and you cringe? It was like that but x100. That being said, I’m still never going to post on here.