recoveringlikeclockwork - Tumblr blog

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Hi! Annie again for our annual check up (three years in a roll now lol). I'm doing well. Had a few bumps in the road, mostly because of university but I'm still good and going on strong. I'm getting happier and healthier by the year I guess. I still have some bad days but not nearly as bad as it once was.

How are you doing? I hope you're also happy and healthy and I hope the universe it's treating you with kindness. If it isn't, keep on going. Life does get better. It has to.

I miss you and I hope that you're ok.

Happy holidays and until next year ❤️.

Hi Annie! It’s so great to hear from you again! I always look forward to your messages :)

I’m so happy to hear that you’re happier and healthier. I am too! Right now I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been.

I miss you too! And I hope things continue to go well for you! I can’t wait to hear from you next year :) happy holidays and stay safe <3

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Hi. It's Annie again. Almost a full year since I sent you that last anon. I just wanted to let you know I'm doing better. It's been a year and 4 months of not counting a single calorie. I started therapy last month and I've been taking medications for depression for 8 months now. Heather moved to a different country. We "broke up" November of last year (on my birthday party... yikes) and last time we talked was four months ago to make peace before she left. I miss her.

It's been hard making friends at college. But I reconnected with two old friends and they are nice. We hang out a lot and I feel good when we do.

It has never been so easy to breathe before. I mean, the waves still hit, but they are more far from each other and less drowning now. She wasn't the sorce of all my problems. A lot of things changed that made me better... i guess that's why things with her started to go down in the first place. I still miss her. I wish things haven't been the way they were.

But I'm ok now. I'm not drowning anymore. I'm not exactly totally happy yet, but I think someday I will be (if totally happy is even possible) . And that's good enough for now.

Thank you for everything you did for me. I wish I wasn't such a burden back then, I was just hurting a lot. Thank you for all the drama you put up with and all the late nights basically babysitting me hahaha.

I wish someday to be for someone what you were for me. And I wish the universe gives you that back too.

Omg my goodness hello Annie!!! It’s great to hear from you again!

I’m so incredibly happy for you! You’re doing absolutely amazing and I’m so glad that you’re in a better place

Recovery is a slow process and I wish you the absolute best in your journey to living happier.

You were never a burden to me. I did what I could to help because I cared about you, and I still do care about you. It’s great to hear from you :)

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Passive aggressive maybe, but like...healing and getting better isn't easy. When I see people make posts about "LOL google says I should make a schedule to help manage my ADHD but I can't make a schedule bc I have ADHD" it's like. People saying that stuff know it's hard. That's part of why you gotta do it.

Sometimes healing is easier. Sometimes it's something really small that becomes routine. But sometimes it's hard! Sometimes you gotta push yourself to do something and it sucks! But I don't know what to tell you, other than that you don't need to be good at it right away.

Using the calendar example, I have ADHD + semi-frequent memory loss, so it can feel really difficult to try and make a calendar when both of those things can directly get in the way. So I started with making sure recurring events were in it, like therapy and med reminders. Now I'm usually able to remember to put in appointments or other one-time events in as soon as I know about them. It takes a lot of work.

I don't know. I just think sometimes people on this site are sitting in mud and complaining about being dirty. You really do need to try.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

in case no one’s told you yet, you feel exhausted and hungover and sometimes even sick after panic attacks/meltdowns/flashbacks/dissociative episodes/etc. because of very real chemical processes that are involved in your nervous system activation and de-activation during those times. it’s chemical dump effects, and no, you SHOULDN’T be able to just brush it off and feel and act normal. you’ve got a bunch of physical things that got activated and that all has to wind down. It’s not in your head, it’s very physical, and you need to work WITH your body during the after-periods instead of trying to curb stomp it. be gentle to yourself, okay?

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

A list of positive trauma blogs and/or trauma support blogs:

@advicetotraumasurvivors

@one-abuse-survivor

@ptsdsafe

@recoverycore

@recoveringlikeclockwork

@survivor-positivity

@traumapositive

If you are someone or know someone you think should be added to this list, let me know! It seems like a small list and we need more trauma positivity.

Please check their DNI if they have one before following.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

hi! something has been really bothering me lately. i thought venting to a friend would help but i’m still angry & i don’t know how to cope with this or who else to go to about this that would understand. this will be really long. sorry.

since the pandemic i’ve been seeing so many posts on social media where people are saying things like “if all you did today was get out of bed, that’s enough” & “it’s okay if your best looks different, you’re doing great & i’m proud of you,” shit like that. i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. for a lot of people these are unprecedented times (myself included, for certain reasons), & they deserve all that love & support. but a lot of what the world is going through rn, i went through that when i was younger & i went through it completely alone. a part of me is so happy that people have others who will listen to them & be there for them. everybody deserves to have that & they have the right to feel however they feel whenever they feel it. but the survivor part of me is furious. not only did i never have that support, but i was constantly dismissed. people never noticed something was wrong, & if they did they either used my anger issues & lashing out at others as a reason why i wasn’t worth listening to or being cared for, they chalked it up to me “having issues” & being the weird kid, or they simply didn’t know what to do (not blaming these people). i cried a lot when i was little, & all i got was “oh here we go again” & that i was too sensitive or overdramatic & oh it’s Kris of course she’s crying again. & now that it’s happening to everyone else, NOW they think to themselves “hmm, maybe we should start being kinder & more compassionate & start listening to each other.” ohh you think?! why did it take this fucking long?! you get all this support & love & the comfort of knowing that you’re not alone & that you’ll always have someone. what about younger me who had no one on her side, & if she did they all left eventually bc they found someone better? what about any other kids my age who were going through the same thing or something similar? we were always worthy of that & you all fucking know it. i feel so cheated. & another part of me also feels like i have to be this warrior or whatever & be an example bc i’ve gone through it but i’m so tired of being strong all the time & being told how strong i am bc it’s not fucking true. i mean okay yes i am strong bc i’ve survived everything but i’m not any stronger than the rest of you. i’m human, not superwoman. can i be strong & tired sometimes too maybe?? idk it’s just... it’s so triggering & i see it everywhere & i’m tired. i thought i would be able to connect with more people bc i felt like they finally understand what i was going through, but i feel more alone than i have in a long time.

Hey there. I want to make this very clear: your anger is a normal response.

It’s normal to feel upset. It’s normal to feel jealous. It’s normal to feel angry. You were hurt and you had to deal with that alone. It’s ok to be upset that other people are getting reassurance and help while you didn’t.

And most of all it’s ok to feel tired. Pain is tiring. You work so hard and you have every right to feel tired.

You deserve every bit of kindness and love and help that you didn’t get back then. You deserve support and you deserve to feel seen and loved. And I’m sorry that you didn’t have that before.

I hope venting about this and my response is able to bring you some peace. I love you.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Now I've been in a relationship for almost 2years, I suffer from an emotional and a sexual abuse but we love each other but now I'm trying to stop it and facing him about all those things and he admitted that he was wrong and did abused me,now he needs a chance to change and want to keep our relationship. Honestly I have no idea what to do, have I give him this chance or leave him to keep myself safe.

If he emotionally and sexually abused you, it’s not safe to be with him anymore. Abusers are in a state where they cannot change even if they are given the chance, and staying with them will only put you in more danger. I know how difficult it is, but leaving him to keep yourself safe is the best possible option. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things get better for you.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

“Cptsd is a more severe form of ptsd. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner-critic, and social anxiety. Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of cptsd. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptible to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component. These flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. Toxic shame obliterates a cptsd survivor’s self-esteem with an overwhelming sense that he is loathsome, ugly, stupid or fatally flawed. Toxic shame often inhibits us from seeking comfort and support. If you are stuck viewing yourself as worthless, defective, or despicable, you are probably in an emotional flashback.”

— Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving; Pete Walker; pg 3-6 (via thetwistedrope)

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

nc/csa mention? Ok, so when i was around grade 2/3 i lied about my age online (well i just didnt mention it) and me and this older guy did some stuff that i dont want to get into. Anyway, i know that im traumatized from it and that its messed me up but i still cant help thinking that it was my fault for not stopping it. I was a pretty mature and smart child, and if it werent for me not stopping him i couldve ruined his life. Any advice/stuff that can help?

Hey anon. First off I’d like to say that blaming yourself is a common and natural response to a traumatic event that could have been prevented. But please know that it is absolutely not your fault. It doesn’t matter how mature and smart you were, it is impossible for a child that young to make proper decisions. By that I mean the decision making part of your brain was literally not fully developed at that point. The human brain doesn’t finish developing until after you’re far into adulthood. Your brain and the way you think was entirely different at that point from the way it is now. You had no way of understanding or knowing the consequences of your actions, and the fact that you regret it means that you wouldn’t do that sort of thing now. You are not at fault here.

You are loved and appreciated. And I hope this response brings you some peace.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

stop seeking validation from people who constantly put you down. you deserve better than people who never check in on you. you deserve better than missed phone calls, and unread text messages. you deserve better than to feel like an option. you deserve better than forced conversations and cancelled plans. you deserve someone who lifts you up. you deserve someone who treats you right. you deserve someone who loves you for who you are. and most importantly you deserve happiness.

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

(Seen on FB)

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE. 

When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.

I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

“What are you struggling with?” he asked.

I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”

Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”

I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.

I wanted to have something more substantial.

Something more profound.

But I didn’t.

So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?

But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said:

“RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”

I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.

“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules.”

It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.

That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.

I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down.

A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.

There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.

Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

THERE ARE NO RULES.

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

(by Kate Scott 2018)

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

You are not “unnatural” or “bad” if you 

Have low to no empathy

Have hyper-empathy 

Have a personality disorder

Have more than one person in your mind

Have scary/violent thoughts

Don’t have the energy for interaction every day

Can’t take a shower/brush your teeth very often

Don’t like certain noises/textures

Don’t want to forgive them

Know you did nothing wrong

Love yourself 

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Excuse me? Do you have any other truama/ abuse survivors positivity blogs you'd suggest? I'm a little silly and I've been having a little trouble finding some more. Thank you so so much!

hi! here’s a few blogs that i follow. if you run a positivity blog for survivors, please self promote in the replies/reblogs/my asks! /gen

@spreading-therapy

@walkwithtrauma

@selves-acceptance

@ptsdsafe

@traumapositive

@advicetotraumasurvivors

@selfcare-journey

@starofpositivity

@healing-is-for-everyone

@recoveringlikeclockwork

@recovery-is-possible

@positivepatton

@positiveautistic

[recoveringlikeclockwork]

Trauma does not make you stronger. It is your own choice to be strong. You personally crawled out of the cycle of hate and make the choice to be a better and happier person. A traumatic event didn’t do that. You did. And that is always something to be proud of.