So... my ptsd is causing muscle weakness, fibromyalgia, crps, dizziness and heart palpitations, and plenty of physical symptoms...
Well fuck me.
Apparently ptsd can even cripple you or cause significant physical symptoms.
Man, honest talk, healing is fucking hard and the truth is even after you get it, it is a constant fight to keep and maintain it cause even beyond trauma life is hard - and ya know what, its worth it and the very fact I'm alive and fucking throttling the shit in my way to keep it, I think thats pretty badass of me and other survivors ngl
flashback + Trauma response wordmojis that were requested!
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Whumps for an ex-assassin trying to turn over a new leaf or something like that?
Ooooh that’s an interesting one. Let me give it a go.
Whumpee was supposed to assassinate someone but didn’t and their bosses eventually find out and punish them
The internal struggle of fighting years of training
The guilt and moral injuries they carry from everything they did as an assassin (and the depression that comes with it)
Bosses want whumpee back for “one more job”, and use blackmail or threaten them to get them to do it
Everyone in whumpee’s new life thinks they’re just pretty normal until they whip out some crazy skills and everyone is like wow
Whumpee being terrified to tell anyone in their new life what they used to do because 1. It could put them in danger and 2. What if they hate them for it
Someone from whumpee’s old life, maybe a relative of someone they killed, shows up for revenge
An old colleague needs help out of a sticky situation and threatens to reveal whumpee’s past to their new friends if they don’t help
Maybe whumpee received a lot of injures in their line of work and when people see their scars they start asking questions
Everyone kind of knowing there’s something dark in whumpee’s past but nobody being sure about what it is
Whumpee having PTSD from their experiences but not being able to tell anyone what from
People in whumpee’s new life slowly piecing together the story from snippets they get over time (stuff said during nightmares, people from their past showing up, odd behaviours, etc.)
Whumpee finally telling new caretaker about their past and being relieved as hell when caretaker understands and doesn’t just run for the hills
Maybe whumpee has permanent injuries from their past job they have to deal with constantly
The continued behaviours of their past life (sleeping with a gun by their bed, keeping a bag packed, checking for vantage points, etc.)
Someone shows up who whumpee owes a favour to and whumpee’s new friends get really concerned cause what could be serious enough that whumpee would drop everything to do that person’s bidding?
Feel free to add!
Fae Tales - 30/? The Nascent Diplomat (Gwyn/Augus)
Pairing: Augus Each Uisge/Gwyn ap Nudd
Tags: Fae politics, past child abuse, past sexual abuse, developing relationship, slow burn, mind games, Unseelie Court (See fic for more tags)
Summary: Augus is summoned by the Unseelie King of the fae to test out his hand at being a diplomat with a secretive, cave-dwelling race of fae known as the vench. He is sent to the remote region of Aethelwaters to strike up a trade deal, with the King’s Mage and executioner - Gwyn ap Nudd - as his bodyguard.
They come face to face with a closed culture largely unreceptive to newcomers, initiations to test their merit, an unusual way of feeding, and pitfalls and traps at every turn. Will it drive the shaky foundation between Gwyn and Augus further apart? Or bring them together?
Fae Tales - 30/? - The Nascent Diplomat - Gwyn/Augus
In which Temsen is there when Gwyn finally comes back to himself, and works hard to make sure Gwyn comes out to the other side of what he's just endured.
-Thanks to all the Patreon supporters for making this story possible!
Chapter 31 of The Nascent Diplomat is available now for early release, for folks in the $5+ tiers on Patreon! :D In which Augus returns, but before he can see Gwyn, Temsen wants to have a conversation with him, to confirm something that's been on his mind.
I talk to many people who say things like "oh I have trauma but I don't have PTSD", but then when I talk to them a little more I realize that they most likely do, they just can't recognize it as such due to how lacking PTSD awareness is, even beyond the whole "it's not just a veteran's disorder" thing.
The main reason they think they don't have PTSD usually has to do with flashbacks and nightmares, either they have one but not the other or have neither. But here's the thing, those are only two symptoms out of the 23-odd recognized symptoms. Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the five symptoms under Criterion B (Intrusion), which you only need one of for a diagnosis. The other three symptoms are unwanted upsetting memories, emotional distress after being reminded of trauma and physical reactivity after being reminded of trauma (i.e. shaking, sweating, heart racing, feeling sick, nauseous or faint, etc). Therefore you can have both flashbacks and nightmares, one but not the other, or neither and still have PTSD.
In fact, a lot of the reasons people give me for why they don't think they have PTSD are literally a part of the diagnostic criteria.
"Oh, I can barely remember most parts of my trauma anyway." Criterion D (Negative Alterations in Cognition and Mood) includes inability to recall key features of the trauma.
"Oh but I don't get upset about my trauma that often because I avoid thinking of it or being around things that remind me of it most of the time." Criterion C (Avoidance) includes avoiding trauma-related thoughts or feelings and avoiding trauma-related external reminders, and you literally cannot get diagnosed if you don't have at least one of those two symptoms.
"Oh I just have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, but I don't have nightmares." Criterion E (Alterations in Arousal and Reactivity) includes difficulting sleeping outside of nightmares.
"But I didn't have many/any trauma symptoms until a long time after the trauma happened." There's literally an entire specification for that.
Really it just shows how despite being one of the most well-known mental illnesses, people really don't know much about PTSD. If you have trauma, I ask you to at least look at the criteria before you decide you don't have PTSD. Hell, even if you don't have trauma, look at the criteria anyway because there are so many symptoms in there that just are not talked about.
PTSD awareness is not just about flashbacks and nightmares.
idk if it’s the mental illness but sharing literally any information feels like oversharing. i’ll be like “i skipped breakfast this morning” and immediately im like “i might as well have told them where i buried the money”
it's okay if you get confused easily. it's okay if you forget things easily. it's okay if you lose track during conversation easily. it's okay if you have to ask for clarification often. it's okay if you struggle to parse information or sensory unit. you're not "playing dumb" or "doing it on purpose". it's okay to be disabled, some people just refuse to be accommodating.
i am not a whole person. parts of me died in the house i grew up in
Wild things I have learnt in therapy:
When a child cries, parents are supposed to comfort them, not punish them
Parents are, in fact, supposed to want to spend time with their children
Children too have a right to privacy, meaning parents are not allowed to read their diaries etc and then punish them for the thoughts they found about
Children are allowed to be upset and cry
Children don't have to earn the love and attention from their parents by performing various things
Children are not supposed to be scared of going home and/or their parents
Children are not supposed to be physically abused and even a little bit of hitting is actually physical abuse
Parents are not supposed to expect that children are mentally as mature as other adults
Children are not supposed to be told that they're an accident, a burden, or something the parents regret
Children are not supposed to be scared and ashamed of themselves or feel like failures because of their parents
Being neurodivergent is such a pain in the ass because you'll be zoned out, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, experiencing overlapping thoughts at the speed of sound, and slowly losing your grip on the tactile world around you, and you think that to everyone else, you must seem very thoughtful but with a touch of bored concentration at the moment, but in reality you've been unknowingly and expressionlessly staring at the same person for the last three minutes and this is what they see
something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.
not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.
you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.
but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.
you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.
but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.
you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.
you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?
you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.
you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!
you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"
i know people like to dunk on it but personally i do i find that the whole “take a deep breath” thing can actually be very useful.
reconnecting with your body when you’re overwhelmed is very important (especially if you’re someone who has PTSD — from experience, it helps bring me back to the present.)
take deep breaths for one minute. tap on your leg for a bit and concentrate on the sensation. if you’re physically able to, get up and stretch. this isn’t me saying it’ll work wonders for everyone — but it has a lot of potential to be helpful, if it’s something you have the capacity to do
i be in my own head fighting for my life
I WASN’T A BAD DOG
I WAS A SCARED DOG