recoveryrambles

[recoveryrambles]

fish i have just graduated high school. what do i do now how do i make myself matter

you always mattered and you always will matter. do whatever you want

[recoveryrambles]

[recoveryrambles]

I sometimes wonder if I am a museum of failure or gallery of trying?

[recoveryrambles]

[recoveryrambles]

daily affirmations:

i am kind

i am in control of my emotions

it does not bother me when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

everyone in the house has the right to be in the kitchen

i am kind and in control of my emotions even when someone is in the kitchen while i was planning to be in there alone

[recoveryrambles]

[recoveryrambles]

🤗 i dont like this emoji. this is not a hug to me. this is someone doing condescending jazz hands in my general direction when i am in need of affection. not comforting.

🫂 i love this emoji. this is a hug. we are hugging and its nice. and as a special bonus they appear to be my old friends from the msn messenger logo? very comforting.

[recoveryrambles]

​found this comment on a video of some swans crossing the street. wow.

[recoveryrambles]

I’m still trying to figure out what the heck to do about my therapist, K. Six weeks ago she told me that she knew I had an eating disorder for years before I sought treatment (which was the end of 2023. She and I started working together in 2017…).

Today I spoke VERY directly (a challenge for me, historically), about how all this has been lingering.

Thoughts after today’s session:

K was trying to frame it today that her not labeling my ed pre-treatment was giving me agency. Like, putting it in my court to give my ed an actual name/space all that time “when I was ready to see it” was empowerment. But I said "giving me information and getting curious about something and exploring together is what gives me agency. If you spoke about a term or concept, I could have had even more agency because I could have explored my reactions and relationship to it. Instead, that decision felt like it was made for me, because it felt like this didn't exist/matter enough to discuss or acknowledge" (also, people with eds are pretty notorious for not thinking or believing they have eds)

Same goes for SI (which K talked about having not labeled in our work together, and then labeled in real time sos). And I was like “calling it that is helpful. Having names for things, and figuring out my relationship to those names, is helpful. Because I don’t know what I’m struggling with innately. It can feel like it’s “nothing” if it’s not challenged or MENTIONED in the clinical environment.

K said (and I agreed) this conversation wouldn't have been in my wheelhouse before. For part of that K was giving credit to our work together, but internally I was like "but also specifically because I'm no longer malnourished and the brain rewiring I'm doing now is only possible because I pursued this recovery process and people held me accountable for what I needed to do both physically and emotionally"

K said she’s proud of me and that she’ll be okay with whatever discomfort this stirs up for her 

K said she hasn’t emailed T (my ed-informed therapist) back because she feels like the response is just going to be T “schooling” her on what she’s done wrong (I don’t like that my providers are having drama//not communicating!)

Metaphor maybe: It's like I had a leech on my head that was obstructing my view for years, but I gaslit myself into thinking the leech was part of me//that was just what life felt like, and I didn’t know how to critically compare my experiences to other people’s, and also leeches were normalized in general culture to the extent that some people vibe with a leech on their elbow/the back of their head/their face. And people talk about leeches super causally all the time, even when mine was obstructing my vision I’m like “this is fine because other people also have leeches and they’re fine." It would have been helpful as I frequented seeing someone who works with general parasites (though maybe her specialty was fleas) who KNEW and SAW my leech as a leech, FOR YEARS, if that someone was like “I think there’s a leech in the room, and it seems to be obstructing your view” and then we could take things from there

[recoveryrambles]

ok goodnight it could always be worse which means it can also always get better, there is hope, ily

[recoveryrambles]

i am a being capable of immeasurable love and whimsy

[recoveryrambles]

Hey everyone, remember that being sick or healing from injuries is a hard time for your body. You have to eat a lot and lay still and be kind to yourself! [large neon sign that says HYPOCRITE descends from the ceiling and points at me] Hey what the heck what's this who put that there

[recoveryrambles]

I’ve been trying this out and it’s been quite helpful 🤗

[recoveryrambles]

hey so I actually don't think you should be breathing that much, like don't you already breathe enough? it isn't a good look to be inhaling and exhaling that much. idkk I'm just worried about your health, you know how many toxic chemicals are in the air :/ if you want I can surgically take out one of your lungs so that you won't breathe as much! you'll feel much better :) omg do you see that guy over there trying to catch his breath that's so funny haha he's breathing so much hold on I'm gonna film him real quick so my friends and I can all laugh at him later! hey so I heard about this new thing called "suffocation" and it's supposed to help you not breathe as much isn't that great? I mean yeah people die from that but at least we found a cure for the breathing epidemic! btw all of this is so normal

[recoveryrambles]

im growing! im changing!

[recoveryrambles]

My partner and I have said we’re “engaged to be engaged” for about a year now, but tonight, while watching a lightning storm — safe and cozy and in awe — he proposed. A very good Tuesday <3

[recoveryrambles]

hey sexy. I can tell by the frequency of your blog updates that you are once again avoiding it all