recovord-blog

[recovord-blog]

Yea i can’t seem to find it, the essence of my self

and i stretch into these words hoping that they’ll help release a few breaths.

MY anxiety as a robot im a transformer for fucksake and i’m done connecting thoughts for the likelyness of likes. I can’t keep tihs up no more.

My life is ruled by thoughts. And i find them in the ocean of my anguish and fuckled up parts. I’m stuck finding analogies and not even refreshing myself. im still painting pictures when the artists have retired. and i can’t seem to find out my self or i can’t seem to catch it. it keeps hiding behind these mazes that even icarus can’t provoke it. I dont know where to start and i dont know where it parts all i know is that im hurt and im looking for a person to help. Im sick of providing my own tragic traps and im genuinely seeking help in every aspect of my life. I understand that not everything in life is fair and that in all seriousness this may not seem like anything in retrospect but currently and most importantly, it feels like it is crushing me in every way. The resemblance to insanity is scary and the acceptance of that insanity is approaching at a faster rate than i hoped. I want to get out of this and find myself unhinged by the burdens of my thoughts. There is so much backed up that i can’t even seem to function properly my mind is shutting down again and i am typing at a rate that cant seem to begin to follow my rhought  things are probably not going to make sense due to the speed of which i am letting things out i am currently closing my eyes to let the fight and the words that come up like incongruent shapes that are not reflecting the self thati am despeately trying so hard to reach becasuse right now everything seems to go sporadically just like the insertion of these words. to be honest my head is spinning ewith everthing that is happinging my mind is letting loose without the judgement of the thoughts and it hurts and there is a misconception of the way that i am feeling because i am and i am and i am insane in the membrane. Can i regurgitate the words that are coming out of this brain probably not because they come out like a fucking garbage truck. Theyre constantly following the inconsistent traits that accompany my writing style and the anxiety that comes from the expectations i have ingrainedin my head of how i should be writing. There is so much backed up that it would take days for me to unleash all the nonsense that is back logging my brain. There is just so much. Like for instance i have been doing uber and i always drive around thinking about myself. or the way i reacted while trying to be myself which ends up being something that doesnt stack up to the expectations of the self i want to be so i get stuck in a mini thought cycle. There isn’t much enjoyment ebcause my reality is a bunch of these little mini loops of thought. That i have planted all over my life like fucking mines. My mind is at constant war with reality and theres on side that thinks and another that just is. Im literally fighting against a wall. And my mind is throwing mud at it thinking not realizing its created a dynasty to overcome. I have been trying to focus on my day to day routines but the real problem is the fact that i think to much about so many small things that i cant seem to believe a single thing that causes a bunch of distrust within the mebrane that i t even makes me believe that i cant believe what i am typing in a sense because what i am typing is a regurgitation of the things that are hindering my growth and that there are keys that are being used to distract myself from waht i really need to be doing and whatever i am doing is being overtook by another one of my mechanisms which is to zone out and observe which only feeds into my thinking processes and i cant seem to escape that either. There is no escape from my mind the third eye is too strong im finding myself losing humor and the ability to associate with people because i am constantly overarching each moment with a overburdening of contemplation. Its become so automatic that i can’t even recall thigns anymore.  I am a complete asshole who is wrapped in narcisstic tendencies that are destroying any growth and making me avoid the real issues at hand this in adjacence of my constant tensionn traps has caused the dissonance between me and my memory cognition. I am goign TO OVERCOME THIS!!!!

[recovord-blog]

Road to Recovery

I’ve been dancing along the lines of recovery in and out and it doesn’t seem like im stepping anywhere but my own feet, but i’ve also realized that my perceptions of things are extremely diluted with the mechanisms of a douche and other niceties. Theres no feet atm just writing in the prose of my forever seeking inner artist. I don’t have much direction right now excpet for the Strong STRONG determination to change parts of who i am into the tools i need to develop a future where i can enjoy the present. Theres so many strenuous chains of thought that i havent been able to compartmentalize them all, and the dissarry causes uneasiness in my everyday life. This anxiety is because of the friction of going against a grain for the sake of becoming whole. And life isn’t whole foods, as a matter of fact its a shitty back alley aldi with moments that create the illusion of growth in the sometimes silent presence of our ignorance. Theres a confusion in these reins and the only way to find the right amount of space to reign over these thoughts is to take action. The actions i’ve recently taken are that i’ve stopped jumping into relationships, i have put alot of time that i have been giving away freely into the establishment of my emotional cocoon. Still hoping it’ll evolve into something amazing. I have gotten back into guitar, learning arabic, taking classes at temple, got amazing performance reviews at work and im still only starting. It’s been two and then some months from my last relationship and i can easily say that these past 3 relationships have been a shitstorm. Mostly because of me. And unknowinkgly (not completely) at the time i was selfishly using these relationships to run away from fully exploiting my potential. In the past few months i have been dealing with an influx of entitlement issues, a lot of reflective ideas about myself that i have always had but never invested the time in because i was too busy sharing my time with my demons. I’ve been dealing with my past issues as well as my current ones and to be honest its alot...i can’t say i dont have support because i have a loving family that is always there for me. But unfortunately because of this becoming a recent development i dont really know how to utilize that as much. But im slowly becoming more and more aware of these faults...and trying to go against these currents...if im isolating myself i try my best to will myself to do the opposite. If im stressing too much over unimportant things i make sure to breathe and approach things in a positive way as much as i know how. Theres an extreme lonliness in all of this that kind of keeps me from ending this post. Almost as if this screen is ready to jump into conversation with me...the expression of my thoughts feel so good that i almost wish it was just a little more. But like with every fantasy i have i let it pass and keep trying to check myself with a dose of realism...and not just my own since i know i can be very skewed...but from others.