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I did something here

Grief meets anger

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Okay I canon now Carmy like a stern Deftones guy and Lip as a stern The Smiths guy but in some situations can be the other way around just for the occasion.

Case closed.

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Maybe comfortable is the word, seeing ourselves in people we admire and like even in moments that are not so pretty can be comfortable. 🫂 lots of hugs for you my friend.

Bye

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Bye

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Me every time I finish a chapter knowing I have to write another one.

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Carmen Anthony Berzatto as Please, please, please let me get what I want by Deftones cover

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Lip Ronan gallagher as Please, please, please let me get what I want by The Smiths

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I totally think Carmy has actually c-ptsd, and, I agree with that soooo much

I think one of the reasons why Richie (in my perspective) is better in accepting and dealing with his grief is bc he actually feels the grief. Carmen doesn't. He run away from what's inside his mind and heart that are both sore bc Micheal and runs to everything else that happens somehow to remind him every time, that he's not there. And that he's not coming back.

I think Richie feels more and is more acceptable to feel his grief bc i think he was already dealing with grief way before Michael die. When you're so close to someone who's addicted in something that can kills them, and they don't wanna help, or when is just too hard for them to stop even when they want, you kinda at some point, lose your hope, and accepts that someday this person is dying before you, that you maybe will have to bury them. That one scene is specific, the christmas episode, when Michael goes out to smoke, Richie looks at him, and we as viewers, saw Richie looking at Michael in a different way. He knew what he was going to do.

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I think one of the reasons why Richie (in my perspective) is better in accepting and dealing with his grief is bc he actually feels the grief. Carmen doesn't. He run away from what's inside his mind and heart that are both sore bc Micheal and runs to everything else that happens somehow to remind him every time, that he's not there. And that he's not coming back.

I think Richie feels more and is more acceptable to feel his grief bc i think he was already dealing with grief way before Michael die. When you're so close to someone who's addicted in something that can kills them, and they don't wanna help, or when is just too hard for them to stop even when they want, you kinda at some point, lose your hope, and accepts that someday this person is dying before you, that you maybe will have to bury them. That one scene is specific, the christmas episode, when Michael goes out to smoke, Richie looks at him, and we as viewers, saw Richie looking at Michael in a different way. He knew what he was going to do.

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I NEED PUT SOMETHING OUT OF MY CHEST: CARMY AND RICHIE DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER AND FEEL SO RESENTMENT TOWARDS EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE MICHAEL FRAGMENTS AND THE EMPTINESS MICHAEL HAD LEFT IN EACH OTHER! THEY MIRROR EACH OTHER'S GRIEF, PAIN AND SAUDADE (LONGING)!!!!

THEY NEED TO CRY AND AND GRIEVE PROPERLY TOGETHER!!!!

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Swan song & honeydew (core)

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Road dogs

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Road dogs

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Road dogs

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Road dogs

(I'm building the characters and all but that's the vibe)

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I've been thinking about writing another story but I didn't even finished the one I'm currently writing, so what's left for me is making moodboards, that's it :p

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Swan song & Honeydew

|| Carmen and Lip didn't know each other, but soon they bond through matching wounds. ||

Warnings: Doomed relationship grief, mourning, broken and sad shit in general, go read on my ao3.

•

Chapter 1.

It was a cold day in Chicago. It had been a week since Carmen hadn't even touched on the subject of his breakup.

Obviously.

Syd and Richie were a little worried and mostly tired. It's not like Carmen knew how to deal in the best way with things that weren't under his control. He was more stressed, but somehow he always came back from this dark place in his head and went back to the great feat that is his great restaurant. And with ''somehow he always came back'', a big culprit, like 95% of this blame or even more for sure is from Sydney, who could not share or lose the attention of his boss, again. Not now.

Richie never tired of throwing judgmental looks at the boss, and of being completely fed up when he tried to touch on the subject Claire, Carmen played deaf and mute.

He was doing a thousand things at the same time, and when he was alone, he thought. And he couldn't stop thinking, not even for a second. Thinking a lot is very useful in the kitchen, and Carmen's nature, but over time, after so many things, after the boss was forced to face himself, face everything he had no control over, he not only thought too much, he thought about everything, everyone, every hour the day and night without a break, it was torturous, and inevitable.

Meanwhile in the other part of Chicago,

Philip Gallagher. Sober, dealing with fights with his wife about whether or not it was time to have a child. They were fighting a lot and things were getting too dangerous. Tami wanted to leave that place, leave the south side, continue this part of her life somewhere where she could be freer, where they both had more opportunities. She wanted more. But Lip not. He was discovering things about himself, he had a community in that part of the city, finally after a long time of everyone telling him that he should get out of there, that he did not belong to that part of the city, and after all, he is rethinking again, if he really belongs to this city. Maybe he should really leave for good... But it was the first time after many years that he felt peace, that he was in a crescent where he only improved with himself.

The only thing that arrested him in that place was himself.

[X]

Carmy is smoking outside the restaurant, Richie arrives a few seconds after him.

– You look like a powder keg. You can't keep exploding with everyone because your ex doesn't talk to you, and because you're too much of a pussy to talk to her. - Richie leans against the wall to light his cigarette, while carmy take a drag of his.

– Richie, I swear to God–

– I'm not exaggerating and you know. Poor Sydney has to hold the ends alone in that kitchen while you're whining around. - Carmy couldn't afford to look exhausted, but he could afford to freak out all the time, at least around the chaos he worked the way he should, in his own opinion. So he just transparently being pissed off, while he listened to Richie speak without even looking him in the eye. And Richie, as much as he knew when Carm loved to self-sabotage and worry about him when his self-destructive mode was higher than usual, getting him pissed off on purpose was still fun. And in his head, it was much better to leave Carmy angry than to leave him alone drowning in his own sadness. - But you know, you are already old enough to make all your decisions... Even if they're stupid decisions. Or maybe I'm tripping, right cousin? - Richie gives a strong drag in the cigarette before throwing it on the floor and stepping on it to put it out. He goes back to the kitchen smiling knowing that he probably left Carmy even more stressed.

Carmy grumbles ''fucking asshole'' throwing the cigarette in his direction, even though Richie has already entered the kitchen.

The boss takes a deep breath a few times trying to calm down before entering the kitchen as well.

He swallows all his pride, and desire to freak out for the fourth time on the day on the side, and enters the kitchen.

[X]

- Listen, you're not giving me the opportunity to explain why I don't want to leave. - Lip and Tami are in the room discussing once again. Tami still hopes to convince Lip to leave that place.

– Yes, I gave Lip, I listened to everything you had to say. And I've already given you solutions, and if we're going to have a child, which also I don't if I want,I don't want him to grow up here. I want him to have more than we both had in life.

The evil of the two was short patience, especially Lip's, the two were stubborn and would insist on their personal ideas and would not give them up so easily, even if it was for each other.

They start talking at the same time, arguing, the two talking without listening to each other.

''Look, you don't understand, yes I understood, no no, this place, it's part of who I am, you're part of who I am that's why I want you to come with me, Tami for the love of God listen to me, Lip I've heard''

– Okay okay, Lip stop, stop. That's not working. We're fighting too much, and we're not listening to each other. - And it was true. She wanted it to work, and Lip needed them both to work. - Listen. What if, I go–

She was nervous about this possibility she thought about because she knew that Lip would not accept it very well.

– No. Don't do that, Tami. - He knows where this conversation is going, and he doesn't like it at all. His voice was tired and a little exasperated.

The sunlight coming through the window makes his blue eyes look colder more than they already are, he already feels that he is losing her. His heart was beating hard, and he felt warmth in his hands and nape. It was fear, anxiety and your patience going down the drain.

- Lip listening to me. - She continues, looking at him and knowing how he's already breaking inside. - I'm going to Milwaukee, I'm going to spend 1, maybe 2 months there. Let's not take a break, it's not a breakup. It's a test.

– And do you really believe that? Really? It's the first time in my life that I have a normal life in this fucking house. At my house. This thing about being away for two months won't happen. It really won't.

- So think of something better Lip. - She gets up, taking the keys and her bag.

– What's that? Where are you going?

– If I stay here, we'll fight even more. I'm going to a friend's house, and tomorrow is a new day where we will have more patience to have a conversation.

– C'mon that's not fucking serious.

– I'm sorry but it is. I have a damage control to do.- She approaches Lip, the sunlight is rested on their faces. - I'm not going to give up so easily from both of us. But this, is fucking killing me, Gallagher.

[X]

– She was here... Hm.

- Yeah. - Sugar and Carmy were talking, it was the first time she touched on the subject ''Donna''.

– And... Did you two talked? - Carmy felt his anxiety growing and anchored in his chest every time he said something new about his mother.

– Why?

– I don't know, you're pregnant and she's our mother, and she didn't knew. I-I don't know... Did you talked to her?

– I did. It was horrible.

– What a surprise. What did she say?

– It was... Well, weird. It wasn't what I expected. It doesn't matter, she wasn't here before and she won't come now just because of that.

– You saying that? I thought you still had hope in her.

- Me too. - They share a look of understanding, even though they want to talk more and know they wouldn't.

- Hey Jeff. We need your help. - Tina interrupts them for a second.

- Go. - Nat says looking at his brother. And he goes.

[X]

It was only one 13:00, Tami had left, and Lip was alone in that house that has never been as quiet as it is now.

The hours went by and Lip wondered if it would be that bad to leave Chicago. If he was being too sentimental. He had a thousand thoughts in his mind and needed some break.

Drinking was no longer an option. As much as the will and the impulses to do were still there.

No smoking either, he already smoked at least 4 or 5 cigarettes a day, it was bad enough.

He was looking for another passing obsession in which he hoped to stay longer than the others and help in his harm reduction. So far, the one that lasted the longest was the reading, he had several and several and several books scattered in his house, in the cabin, under the bed, where the shampoo and conditioner was near the bathtub, inside the cup cabinet.

He mirrored all his obsessions with the house, he had a little of his mind everywhere.

He had already read most of the books he owns, and there were some in which he hadn't even touched yet, but he needed more, so he decided to go out to buy more books.

In the Chicago public library, Lincoln Belmont branch, there were not many people, he was in the psychological terror session. An elderly man was staring at him and he noticed, but not the attention.

– From the hospital they keep him strictly isolated, confined and with as little human contact as possible. Those who have already tried to cure the patient, or even approach him ended up indulging in madness... or suicide... Wow. We are the same. - Lip reads the synopsis of the book to himself.

- I'm so sorry, Carm. - A old man says stopping in front of Lip.

– Ahm... Excuse me? - Before answering him, Lip stares at him for a few seconds blinking his eyes deciding if that old man was talking to him or someone else nearby. But there was no one but them in that corridor.

– Look, I know that Michael and I weren't exactly best friends, and I never came back to say... Nothing. But, I... I'm sorry.

Lip had a memory lapse where he saw Frank remembering memories that even he didn't remember properly. Maybe that man was like his father, maybe he's crazy, maybe he's in pain, and what kind of man would Philip Gallagher be if he didn't give a little comfort to this stranger who actually didn't seem to have gone crazy, or who was a drunk, or who had dementia, but only in mourning?

– I appreciate it. Really. - He said with a slightly worried tone, hoping that that stranger would be better than whatever he were suffering for.

The old man, who had a book in his hand, releases it in any shelf and nods his head, looking sad, and turns his back leaving the bookstore.

– But these tools have also transformed how we consume, and how we think about, our food. In Consider the Fork. Unexpected.

Lip leaves the book there and buys the first one he read the synopsis. Leaving there, he lights a cigarette and walks back home.