reflectedlightsonthewater

[reflectedlightsonthewater]

oki so this is really just for me (cuz no one follows this blog anyways thank god but if you do ignoooooore this it’s just gonna be me talking to myself trying to get my butt in gear in a healthier way)

I’m doing a thing from 1-5pm, getting a call at noon that should be quick, and need to make a decision about if I’m gonna take two big tests or just one. I really think I have a better chance at passing and feeling good if I just go for one...

I’m worried about comparing myself to other students in this study session. I need to remember that whatever I do I have worth and value and thoughts and insights that are unique to me, regardless of my exact knowledge right now. I have the strength and passion and dedication to keep pushing and trying, even when there’s a lot to do and it can feel overwhelming. I can always get back up on my feet and keep trying, and in fact that is the absolute best thing for me to do.

Reset, breathe, remember why you’re here and how far you’ve come, and enjoy it as much as you can.

You have friends that love and support you, and you have family that cares about you. You’re already lucky for just those two things alone, remember to be thankful for them. But even more, you’re lucky to be yourself, because it’ll be that much cooler at the end of the day when you’ve been yourself, fully and honestly and unapologetically, and you realize you can succeed and grow and keep getting better for yourself and your desires and for no one else’s reasons.

[reflectedlightsonthewater]

as a mental health self-intervention, i recommend framing all your other mental health self-interventions in the most self-aggrandizing and mythopoetic manner you possibly can.  inside my own internal monologue i just unironically referred to putting away a few articles of clean laundry i’d left on my bed, an utterly unremarkable act which took me less than ten minutes, as “practicing the Light Arts”

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please go to bed knowing u are valued and important

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Your voice makes roses grow in my chest.

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He asked me to tell him.

I said I wanted to cut again, I said I felt horrible. He said he wouldn't comfort me but he appreciated knowing and my honesty. That's basically a free pass now, right? An invitation? Because when someone cares about you enough to let you hurt yourself and make your own mistakes, you gotta appreciate that and make good use of it, right? I already hurt my hand today by scratching the skin off in front of him. What are a few more hidden scars? It just proves I'm alive, right? You have to be alive to have an addiction, after all.

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[reflectedlightsonthewater]

We talked.

This is my last chance for the next 6 months to get better. I won't let it go to waste. I love him too much.

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I know I want to stay with him.

What are my options?

- change myself actively

- change myself passively

- not focus on changing

Realistically it will be 10% not focused, 60% passive, and 30% active. But I want to change. I want to become the nice, kind girl again who everyone likes and respects. Not only to strangers. Someone who doesn’t get worse the more you get to know them. I want to be a gem with sparkling jewels hidden inside, something that makes people curious and interesting and love genuinely, not just based on how I am on the outside.

What is your goal? How do you want to change yourself?

Again, being kinder. Being more aware of others. Respect the wishes and opinions and thoughts and feelings of those around me. Get better at being on time. Get better and more practiced at balancing multiple interests and prioritizing. Lie less. Become a trustworthy person again. Make sure my promises still mean something.

Are you changing just for this boy?

No. I may be becoming more aware of it because of this boy, but I want to change to be happier with myself. If I accomplish all of these things and we still don’t work, I can be happier and guilt-free knowing I did all the work I wanted to/could to work on my own half of things. Ultimately, I want to change these things for whoever my future spouse is, for my children, and for my current family and friends. The sooner I start the easier it will be, before everything gets too set in stone in my head and personality.

Okay, so you want to become less selfish. What now?

It will be hard. I will slip up many more times, but I will shorten my times I am late places, I will constantly be aware of when I am putting things and people off. I will communicate honestly whenever possible, because that’s what I would want someone to act like towards me. I will confront future issues. I will take responsibility for my actions. I will refuse to go down older paths that take the easy way out with self harm or distractions like that. I will fight every hour of the day to be honest, genuine, and aware of how my actions impact others.

So back to you and the boy? What will happen with that?

I will call him tonight and tell him these things. I will tell him that I know I want to change, and I want to within the next few years. I will make sure he knows it won’t be immediate, but that this experience will be burned into my mind for a long time to come. I will tell him that I don’t want to lie anymore. I will tell him I will start with being honest with all the new people I meet at college, and with my old friends and family too while we are apart. I will tell him that I will get better at being on time to places and things, and that I will get better at being aware of how much time it will take me to do things to improve my estimations of time too. I will tell him that I don’t want to be a selfish person. And I will tell him that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I will say that I’ve treated many people in my past very shitty but I would give anything to make it so I never hurt him again. I will also say though that I know that will not happen, because I know these things will not change overnight and I will slip up and regret things and fall back into old habits. But I will say that I will recognize those things when I see them and I will do my absolute best from this moment forward to become better and more aware. I will ask for his help in calling me out on these things as they occur and I will request his patience with me because it will be very tempting for me to deny the fault and shut down, but I will not and I will always keep listening. I will tell him again that I love him, and I want to be with him for as long as I live, and that I am so thankful for everything he has done and continues to do for me.

And then I will listen to what he has to say and we will resolve this all one way or another.

[reflectedlightsonthewater]

Fuck I want to cut so bad again. But I promised him that if I wanted to I would call him. I've already lost all his trust in me today, I could go three ways. 1. Call him and tell him and not be prepared to talk about anything else. 2. Not call him and cut and completely destroy anything we could have built off of. 3. Ignore it and distract myself but still try somehow to think things through so I can call him later tonight? 3rd option sounds the best rn. I don't want to call until I can give him answers and promises and tell him it'll all be okay or not. I lost all his trust. I'm a habitual liar and I did it again. I convince myself that it's alright and it's all for the best and I lie over and over again to all the people I care about most. But him. We talked about honesty, trust, love. I told him I wouldn't lie. I didn't for a long time, but then I cracked and broke for a moment. I chose the easier path, with a better reward against its risk. And he caught me. And didn't even ask why. It didn't matter. I hurt him. I never want to see him in that state again. But does that mean that I leave or I stay. He called me selfish. I don't want to choose selfishly. But I don't know which would be more selfish: choosing to stay because I convinced myself I'll change soon enough and in time even if I know I'll hurt him more but I like his company, or choosing to go even though I'm confident I will change and I want to, I just don't know when. I don't want to regret leaving, but he deserves better too. I couldn't live with the "what ifs." I could not go through the next year sad and uncertain and wondering. I've already passed the point of no return and if we go our separate ways at this point it will hurt just as much as any other time in the future. Now the selfishness. I want to change. I want to think about others more and how I impact them and being on time to things and I've already been trying to get better at keeping promises. My ex wished him luck with me.

[reflectedlightsonthewater]

It`s a mess. 

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I’m a sad girl.

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[reflectedlightsonthewater]

from the top of a building the world seems both big and small. like everything’s critical, but also nothing matters at all. and I guess it kind of scares me: the way it’s all just one step away. to be forever in silence or to breathe another day. and does it make me crazy to feel so much fear? there’s so much war in this world but I feel like the fighting’s here. my head aches with broken dreams, I almost can’t take the weight of them all. do I even need to be so high, to feel the pain of this fall? because whatever happens later, I’ll never escape what I am. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all I am…

broken thoughts (via br-o-ken-poetry)