reifirdha

[reifirdha]

Apart

Scofield and Lincoln. Two guys tried to save each other’s lives till the last episode in Season Five of Prison Break just because they are blood-related. How I wish I was that kind of person who gives everything she/he has for family member.

It takes me back to six years ago when for the first time, I have no feelings anymore towards my father. When I said no feeling, I mean it. When he came talk to me, I responded it. I answered when he asked. But hey, I just feel nothing. Though I sometimes feel bad to myself because at least I need to feel something, like glad, sad, disappointed, hate? But nope, I do not.

I tried so hard to remember the moment I was with him, so I can feel something. I remember when he taught me how to drive, when he cooked his favorite omelette for me, or when he drove and picked me up in the middle of night at campus. It takes me a while trying to remember those things. I guess my conscious memory is trying so hard to erase that.

One of the reasons is because whenever I remember those, other horrible memories also come along. The memory when my mother and sister cried upstairs, while the unknown men were trying to find him in our house. The memory of me trying to find a safe house for my mom and my sis, so whatever his problem is he won’t tag us along. The memory of him asking me to lie to several people. The memory of the he talked to me in the phone that he was being used for so many times by so many people, and I need to believe him. The memory of confusion because I was just a fresh grad at that time trying to find job. If it was not because of my brother, I guess we will end up in the street for several weeks.

The trauma did not end there. After the divorce, every freaking months, my father will contacted me just to ask if I already transferred him some money. Sometimes, he used the reason that he was being admitted to the hospital, or opening new business [which later I found out that it was not true] as a reason to double the cash. He never asks how am I doing, or am I happy, or am I healthy? Nope.

Two weeks ago my mom told me that my father tried to contact her. The reason is because he never got any news from me again and he blamed my mom for being a bad mother who doesn’t know how to raise good kids. It was an insult, and not the first time my mom got it from him. I was wondering if he really wanted to know how am I holding up with life or just because he needs cash [sorry for being bitter].

Back to Prison Break, I guess I am not gonna be that person, that heroic one.

The only thing I could do might be to give him a bit of financial support, but let’s forget about the ‘heart’ part. Because I do not have one.

[reifirdha]

Disappear

Prof : Well, keep in mind that justice never be the foundation of the law, or even in the so-called institutions that act on behalf of humanity

Me : So, it's all for nothing? too impossible to change that problematic system

Prof: What you can do is to change the circle you live in, the circle that you know you can change into a better way... But you know what? we still have one good thing that worth to wait for

Me: Hmm ?

Prof: The good thing is..we all will disappear one day, humans will not live in this earth forever, and the universe will continue on its own way without anymore destruction..without us, human

[reifirdha]

“I’ll take you home, just wanna take you home..” - #BandaNeira

[reifirdha]

“That’s okay, there is always something good along the way”- Ninja

Too sad that our four days trip just ended today, discovering beaches, waterfall, jungle, hot spring, wooden house, the mad cow, the missing frying pan, and all the things we met through the journey. If it’s not because of you guys, I might still on my bed listening to my favorite depressing songs :p

When was the last time you were on trip and nothing to think about other than where to go next, where to sleep that night, what to eat, how to drive your car crossing the river? Just live in the moment, nothing to worry about.

And Costa Rica is such a perfect place to do so.

Hugs for Gee, Lena, Ninja and David for the wonderful trip ever, I’m glad we did it :)

[reifirdha]

Untuk biru-mu, yang seringkali aku tafsirkan menjadi abu.

Untuk putih-mu, yang menenangkan tanpa perlu banyak bicara.

Untuk hitam-mu, yang berulang-ulang aku dengar, dan tak juga membuatku bosan.

Untuk merah-mu, yang membuatku ingin terbang beribu-ribu kilometer hanya untuk bisa menangkap matamu sepersekian detik.

Untuk hijau-mu, yang meruntuhkan segala, menyisakan rasa yang terlalu sulit untuk kucerna, yang pada akhirnya binasa.

Semoga tahun-mu kali ini tetap berwarna seperti biasa dan tua-mu menjadi bijak. Semesta menjagamu dalam heningnya.

[reifirdha]

Behind this picture, there was a big effort of the man coming from thousand miles away, and an effort of the woman that skipping some classes :p

[reifirdha]

Pool..Fool

Gee: Do you wanna play pool tonight?

Me: Nah, I'm a fool already

[reifirdha]

East Timor

Prof : so you are from Indonesia?

Me: Yeah

Prof: How's everything?

Me: A big mess

Prof: I worked in East Timor Court before

Me: Oh, then it's gonna be a 'good' news for you, Wiranto is a Coordinating Minister for political, legal and security now

Prof: What the hell? I still have the arrest warrant of him for the alleged crimes against humanity during the invasion in East Timor

[reifirdha]

you are the box I do not want to open

[reifirdha]

This is thank you note for one person who always be there, day and night, in the most difficult to the happiest moments.

The one that pulled me out from the cycle of depression. Yes, you. When I don’t even accept myself, when I feel like an evil, when I feel like Im a failure, when there is no one in the world I could talk to, cause Im too embarassed to acknowledge the things I did, it is you I bumped into.

For every seconds you spent on the phone, trying to convince that Im still worth it regardless of whatever mistakes I did. And for each of every text messages you typed just to make sure Im not alone.

It’s been seven years since we knew we would stick together.

Thank you for always be there and still see me as a human being after all these time. 

To @astynuraini

[reifirdha]

Source: Pinterest

Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind

[reifirdha]

Costa Rica(?)

I’ve been living here for quite some time. Almost three months. Nothing much has happened. I wake up every morning at 6.45, take a shower for 15 mins, prepare my breakfast, walk for five mins, wait for the school bus, have a three hours lecture, spend some hours in university, and come back home again with the school bus.

Costa Rica is an extremely peaceful country. I used to see demonstration everywhere, people demand justice, abuse of power happened here and there, traffic jams are everywhere, political scandals of religious leader, or whatever it is.. there is always something happened in Indonesia. Thus, living in Costa Risa is a bit odd to me. The only problem so far is the broken water pipes, floods, and storm. Whenever I watched news, most of the time it is always about their football team. If I dont really know the history or political situation of Costa Rica, I probably would think that Costa Rica leads by Authoriatian Regime who uses his/her power to filter the flow of information to public. But it is not. CR is a democratic and peaceful country, who even decides to abolish Army in their system.

I am living here with host family. With Mary, Daniel, and their cutie kids; Ale and Jose Daniel. I feel like part of them. We usually talk during dinner, since they usually leave early in the morning to the office before I even wake up. Mary was once a national dancer. She spent her youth dancing all around the world. She ended up working in national IT company afterwards. While Daniel works in automotive-related-company. It’s been their seventh year hosting a student in their house. Oh I have a housemate too. Tsubasa. He studies in environment department in Upeace. Glad I have him. Always reliable. For the first one month we usually made our breakfast together, talked over coffee while looking to fascinating view from the big window in our house. The second month, we were too lazy to even make breakfast. Sometimes we just have coffee before going to school.

I myself study International Law and Human Rights in University for Peace. The local called it Upaz or Universidad para la paz (in Spanish). Upeace is a UN mandated University. Created by the General Assembly resolution. The education system in Upeace is wonderful. It is always open for debate, discussion, negotiation (for paper), and all the staffs give their best to support students. They host brown bag seminar almost every week during lunch, where we can discuss everything.

People here use ‘Pura Vida’ whenever they meet their relatives or friends. It literally means ‘pure life’. Oh, and people do not have an exact address. No house number. Sometimes no street names. Only the name of Area. I still remember when the immigration office asked my address, I replied them with ‘300 metres from Bar Amigo in the left side, white painted house with brown fence’. Or when my friend was trying so hard to find a house of someone which the only clue she got was ‘the house with orange trees’. No kidding man, this is real. Even my host fam, they tell us how they laughed so hard when Tsubasa asked them to write the ‘complete’ address before he came to Costa Rica. There is no complete address here.

Other thing is..you do not need to bargain so hard here. Or may be people do not bargain at all. I remember how easy it was for me to get the half price for earings that I bought in Friday market. Maybe when the seller looking at me he pitty me :p. And and and..people trust you easily. It is what happened to me last week when I swam in a nearest public swimming pool. I finished swimming around 7 pm and the staff said, ‘just pay me later when you come again next week’. They probably trust me, or was it just a marketing strategy? Hahaha :p

Okay, to be honest this country is way too peaceful and people here are too nice. I need drama. I need Jakarta. *uhuk

[reifirdha]

X : or maybe she misses us?

Y : she is dead inside. She misses no one

#howtogetawaywithmurder

[reifirdha]

Buena Vista: Where the time stops

There are places that leave mark in your heart, no matter how short your stay is. One of them is Buena Vista (for me), around 300 km from where I stay now in San Bosco.

From San Jose, we (Me, gaby, dream and ly) took the early bus at 7.30 am to Nicoya (4 hours). From Nicoya, we took another bus for about an hour to go to Samara. From there, we took a taxi to go to the river. From the river, an intern from ASVO (the turtle conservation organization in BV) was already waiting for us with his Kayak. I thought we will use his Kayak to cross the river. Teettt.. I was wrong. The Kayak was there only to take our bags. We need to walk crossing the river. Well, since Im an Asian (and pretty short), the height of the water is until my shoulder at that time. After crossing the river, we walked around 15-20 mins to the place. And there we were, in a wooden house, the office as well as housing of ASVO staff and interns.

We stayed there along with 2 staffs of ASVO, Roy and Daniel, and 6 interns (Bloonch, Sophia, Thomas, Adriane, Mati, and George). We all stayed upstair, in bunk beds with mosquito net (which actually doesnt really protect you from mosquito and sand fly :p). While downstairs is only for kitchen and a natural dining table.

Before I came, I imagined myself with seafood, drinks, and snacks, relaxing in a nearby restaurant in a night time. But again, I was wrong, and what happened was not even close to that (in a good way, though).

We were so excited and had so much energy, asking this and that to the interns there (which..believe me, they are soooo helpful, passionate, and different in a unique way from human beings that I usually get in touch with, haha..I know it is a bit exaggerating, but it is true). We arrived around 4 pm, we put our bags in our bed, and enjoying costa rican pancake with the precious beach view from our dining table.

While enjoying the pancakes, they arranged our scheduled for the night shift. They pair us with interns. I paired with Thomas for doing the shift from 9 - 00 am, while dream worked after me from 00 - 03.00 am. So that after my shift ended, I woke her up. What I remembered from that night is.. it was the first time I watched the baby turtles hatching. We put the babies to the place where they belong, to the sea. During the shift, we keep watching the hatchery area for every 15 mins. It was wonderful, and I shared my happiness with mosquito, who keep sucking my blood :p.

In the morning, it is mandatory that we need to wake up at 5.30, have our coffee, and go straight to the hatchery area. We all dig the hole, change the sands with the new one from the beach. Believe me it was a big task. We put the sands in our shoulder (around 8-10 kg I guess), for two and half hours. One confession, I slowly walked to the bathroom and spent about 15 mins there, I was so tired and I was so shy to take a rest in front of them, since no one taking a break, so I just sat inside the bathroom. Hhahhaha.

Afterwards, we had breakfast with gallo pinto. O yeah, they provide us meals three times a day. I kinda like the food, thanks Roy for being a good chef :p. I continued to work after breakfast since I had a day shift from 10-12pm in the hatchery. One question, did we have time to play in the beach? and the answer is yes!. I had time from 2 - 5.30 pm to play in the beach. I played body boarding, swam here and there, walked and ran. And it was only us in the beach, no one else there,ASVO office is the only house in that beach area. It was only us and waves. I found peace.

In the night, we all got schedule for patrol to walk around seashore, trying to find mother of turtles who nest their eggs and put the eggs in the hatchery. It was the best part, for me. I paired with Mat and Dream. We walk around for three hours from 12 to 3 am in the morning. The sound of waves, the clear sky, all those stars. It was beyond words. The feeling.. I can still feel it until now, and it puts a smile on my face whenever I remember it. Mat, is one of the genius. Without a light, he could find the traces of turtles. And he could estimate where the mother nests the eggs. He told me he learned it for four months and he get used to it.

I usually get attached only with human stories, but this place gives me another kind of feeling. We share this earth with many other things, not only human.

[reifirdha]

You bleed

Saying it is normal

Blood is just blood

"My body can reproduces it again", you said

Oh, that's the driest joke I've ever heard, I said

You bleed

and I wounded

Im not gonna demand for your responsibilities

Causing me black and blue

Im the one who devoted myself

To be part of yours

To feel you in my veins

Without posession

You will never be mine

And I will never be yours

We just comfortably live in each others cave, I guess

Sharing our insecurities and deepest secrets

And that is enough, for me, for now

[reifirdha]

R : insecurities sometimes hit me hard in a wrong time F : Had it always been? 

Di kamar ukuran 3x4m, dengan jendela raksasa yang setiap jam empat pagi berembun, saya kembali ke kerumitan pikiran. Bedanya kali ini tak sendirian (atau sedang tak mau sendirian). Saya ditemani Farah, yang biasanya memang jadi sasaran ketika ketidakdamaian melanda. Melanjutkan sekolah justru membuat saya semakin meragu. Well, to be fully human is to doubt everything, isn’t it? Saya gamang, menentukan apa yang paling bisa saya persembahkan setelah sekembalinya nanti/ apa yang berubah setelah tempaan 2 tahun dalam jalur akademik/ atau apa yang tidak berubah/ Bagaimana saya bisa mengukurnya?/ Bahkan pertanyaan utamanya masih belum terjawab, ‘mengapa saya pantas?’.

And she was like;

“Well, that is normal, as you pursue higher education, the standard you wanna achieve will be higher too”

“and at least you have a living soul to talk to, and how you guys are weirdly strangely perfectly fit for each other.”

Yeah, she is right. It will definitely so much worse without you, love!

[reifirdha]

Me : Hey, still awake ?

Opor : Yes..BEER ? Let's GO!

Me : No honey, I want to discuss the paper