reinersbigmilkers

[reinersbigmilkers]

𝘈 𝘓𝘈𝘗𝘚𝘌 𝘐𝘕 𝘑𝘜𝘋𝘎𝘌𝘔𝘌𝘕𝘛 // Boss!Reiner x Reader

Summary: Reiner’s your gruff, no-nonsense boss. Last night, one stolen kiss cracked the facade. Now he’s called you into his office. What does he want? Discipline or a repeat?

cw: handjob, slight cursing, Reiner’s lowkey a sub, fingers in mouth, public sexual activity, pathetic male

a/n: might make a part two i love boss x employee (secretary iykyk!!)

…

When you walked into Reiner’s office, the first thing you noticed was how unnaturally stiff he looked. His hands were folded tightly on the desk, and his back was so straight it looked like he was bracing for impact. He didn’t rise from his obnoxiously large chair—just gave a small nod. His eyes meeting yours for a fraction of a second before darting away.

“Yes sir, you called?” you finally said, trying to cut through the unbearable awkwardness that clung to the room.

He glanced up briefly, “Have a seat,” he said gesturing toward the significantly smaller chair across from his desk. You’d always figured it was some sort of intimidation tactic, something all bosses did to make their subordinates buckle at their sheer authority.

Maybe it would’ve worked. It definitely had in the past. But after seeing Reiner’s cracks last night— the vulnerability, the way he kissed you like he forgot how to pretend, you couldn’t help but find it silly.

You sat down, your hands lightly fidgeting with the hem of your skirt. It was quiet for a while, you waited for Reiner to finally say something. Was he going to beat around the bush, or put it out bluntly? Your grip on the fabric tightened.

Finally, he spoke, “I wanted to talk about last night.”

“Me too,” you blurted, a little too eagerly, “I mean— yeah.”

Jesus Christ.

You could hear his foot lightly tapping underneath the desk, the anxious pat, pat quietly flooding the room.

“I respect you,” he started, slipping into this stern dad tone, “I respect your work ethic. I respect your professionalism. And most of all, I respect you as my employee.”

Unbelievable.

“I hold you in high regard, which is why I won’t deny that last night’s incident was a misstep on my part. As your boss—“

“As my boss,” you cut in, repeating the phrase back at him with quiet defiance. You met his eyes, daring him to continue.

“Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be,”

“Just say it,” You snapped. “Say you regret it.”

He exhaled sharply, then met your eyes with a forced steadiness, “Last night was completely inappropriate. It was…a lapse in judgment—for both of us.”

You had a flashback to that night, the way his hands gripped your waist, the heat of his body, the low sound he made when you pulled him closer. None of it had felt impulsive. None of it had felt like a mistake.

“It shouldn't have happened.” he said flatly “As your boss, I crossed a line.”

There was a pause. Long enough for the words to settle, but not long enough for you to respond.

“It can’t happen again,” he added quietly.

“Sir—“

“It can’t,” he said sharply, Reiner’s face unreadable.

It stung, the rejection— more than you cared to admit. You stood up slowly, hands gripping the edge of the desk. You leaned forward just enough for him to have to look up at you.

“So when you pinned me against that wall,” you said, voice low and deliberate “when your hands were underneath my skirt— “

A slight blush colored Reiner’s cheeks, Your voice dropped lower.

“That was just a lapse in judgment?”

He looked up, brows slightly furrowed. “Yes.” He said quietly.

Bullshit. And you knew it.

You began to slowly walk towards him, his eyes following you like a hawk. Your finger trailed lightly along the edge of the desk as you passed, the air between you thickening with every inch you closed.

When you reached his chair, you put a hand on the back and gently turned it to face you. Reiner tensed, starting to rise— but you firmly placed your palm on his chest, guiding him back down.

He stayed seated, jaw tight, eyes avoiding yours like looking at you might undo him completely.

You leaned in, bringing your finger to his chin and tilting it up, forcing him to look at you.

When his gaze met yours, something in him shifted— you could see his walls faintly drop with the way his eyes softened beneath your touch. “We can't,” he mouthed, barely audible.

It sounded less like refusal and more like he was trying to convince himself, not you.

You inched closer, lips gently brushing against his. “Tell me you don’t feel anything,” you whispered, your other hand resting against his chest, slowly sliding down to his abdomen.

He grunted, low and strained. His chest rose and fell beneath your touch, hands gripping the armrests of his chair like anchors.

Your thumb delicately traced the curve of his soft mouth, before pressing against his lips. When you eased into his mouth, he made a muffled sound, tongue brushing against the pad of your thumb, wet and warm.

Your hand continued down his lower abdomen, hovering just above the heat between his legs. Instinctively, his teeth grazed your thumb, his body going still.

“Tell me,” you breathed, voice barely above a whisper, “If I touched you right now, you wouldn’t already be hard.”

You pressed your palm against his hardness, feeling him twitch beneath your hand. A low, breathy grunt escaped his throat. You firmly palmed against his clothed cock, your thumb still resting in his slick mouth. When you pulled it free, a thin strand clung between his lips and your skin. Your thumb trailed down, still forcing his chin up.

There was something intoxicating in seeing him like this— your composed, commanding boss buckling into your touch, reduced to shallow gasps and groans. You wanted more. You needed more.

Your fingers moved towards his belt, the quiet snap of the buckle echoing across the office. As you slid it open, you teasingly traced your hand over his boxers, he let out a strangled gasp, hips barely lifting to meet your touch.

“Please—“ he breathed, eyes locked onto yours, with this pathetic look on his face.

You slipped your hand beneath the waistband, fingers brushing against his aching cock, pulsing in your grip, you gave it a light squeeze. He groaned, the sound barely controlled, low and rough in his throat.

When you finally wrapped your hand around him, you cursed under your breath, feeling his length. You felt his wanting gaze on you, breath uneven as he waited for your next move.

Your thumb slid over his tip, smearing his precum. You then stroked him, slow and controlled. Reiner grunted. His hips rolling against your hands without thinking, each pump drawing a deep sound from his throat, his sanity thinning with each passing second.

“I’m — I’m gonna cum, please— fuck,” He gasped, barely able to form words as your unrelenting hands kept pumping him with steady precision. You guided his head gently to your chest, cradling him there, his face buried between your breasts like he was seeking comfort in the closeness. His moans were muffled against your softness, his hands finding your hips, pulling you closer, as if grounding himself in your warmth.

You stroked faster, your hand coated in his slickness. His grip on your thigh tightened, and he looked up at you— half his face still submerged in your tits, eyes fluttering before rolling back as he unraveled in your hand. His breath hitched, your name slipping out in a broken muffled moan as he came.

The room fell quiet except for his heavy breathing and the faint creak of the chair beneath him. You could still feel the warmth of him against your hand, his body trembling slightly in the aftershock.

Reiner didn’t let go.

You brought a hand to his hair, lightly stroking it, while he stayed buried in your chest— ears flushed pink, holding you like he didn’t trust himself to move.

Neither of you knew what would happen after. After he would finally let go. After you both straightened yourselves out. After you would both pretend to return to work like none of this happened.

So neither of you moved.

You stayed there—just the two of you—letting time pass around you.

[reinersbigmilkers]

dude just wanted to say i LOVE ur headcanons for the aot characters so much !!! not only that, i feel like they’re pretty accurate and not out of character at all (imo ofc)

and also YOU WRITE FOR PORCO AND MARCO 😭😭😭😭 my babies,, it’s really hard finding good headcanons of them that are no complete mischaracterization/butchering of their character, so thank u for ur service

oh my god thank you?? esp for saying they're accurate, even if it is just a matter of personal opinion. i do try 🥲 altho, i was gutted when i saw isayama mentioned zeke has like negative 100 spice tolerance. can't believe i misread my man so badly 💔 he just looks so much like the stereotypical westerner hipster my ideas for him in my spice hcs went a completely different direction lolol

and yes it would feel so weird to exclude marco and porco from my gen lists! like marco was originally part of the 104th and not including him feels like such a crime. that and porco's dynamic with everyone in marley feels too integral to not include when writing for all the other warrior program peeps. tysm for your kind words!!

[reinersbigmilkers]

crazy someone this talented followed me

trapped 🐍

i think this was actually the first or at least one of the first pics i drew for this AU!

[reinersbigmilkers]

i love his optimism 💔

Zeke jaeger what a man you are

[reinersbigmilkers]

☕️ How the aot cast takes their caffeine ☕️

Includes: Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, Marco, Historia, Ymir, Levi, Hange, Erwin, Pieck, Porco, Zeke

Eren: Pre-time skip, he does not fuck with the bitterness of coffee. Some tea is fine, so long as there's ample milk and sugar. He does discover that he's a fan of frappes when Armin decides to get one on a whim. And he'd definitely be weird about ordering a 'girly' drink, begging Mikasa to get it for him while trying not to make a scene. It's major "he asked for no pickles" energy between the two of them. (She'd still give him a hard time about it, regardless.) Post-time skip though, he doesn't gaf about ordering a frappe. He also doesn't really care where he gets his caffeine from. A 7/11 machine that probably hasn't been cleaned in three years? That's fine. Better yet, give him a Red Bull or a Monster since he's built such an insane tolerance. (He also has a preference for cold drinks)

Mikasa: Partial to tea, but she orders according to the weather: a London fog for a wintry day and a Vietnamese iced coffee during the summer. Oh, everyone wants to grab boba instead? A red bean matcha at 50% sweetness, no dairy, please. Mikasa also orders an affogato on occasion.

Armin: King of herbal teas, he sticks to decaffeinated drinks since he's caffeine sensitive. (He has soo many sleepy time tea boxes in his cabinet to help his insomnia.) He gets the jitters easily and doesn't care for how it can make his heart race. When he does crave caffeine, though, I could see him using a French press in order to steep it to his liking. Probably sweetens it with honey and adds a flew splashes of milk.

Jean: He's the snob of the group, but admittedly has good taste when it comes to espresso. Wdym you're getting a latte from that drive-thru barista stand?? Can't you tell that it's burnt and pulled all wrong? He'll walk out of a café if he hears the steam wand screaming: he's that particular. A cappuccino is his go-to from his favorite café and he uses a Moka pot at home.

Connie: I'm pretty sure with the last name 'Springer' he's ethnically Irish. But still, he looks soo much like a silver-toothed kid I can't view him as anything else lolol. So naturally he'd have an ice-cold Coke on deck, maybe some Jarritos in the fridge too. Connie doesn't drink coffee, and prefers sodas as a pick-me-up, especially Red Bull Italian sodas flavored with watermelon syrup.

Sasha: She's also not a coffee drinker and would rather sip on fruit teas. If they're lightly caffeinated with green or white tea leaves, she's fine with that, but doesn't like how black tea makes her lightheaded.

Reiner: He and Jean constantly butt heads on how coffee should be ordered, respectively lying on either end of the spectrum from the other. For Reiner, it's simple: add a few spoonfuls of grounds to the filter and brew. If he's feeling fancy, a plain latte will suffice. He doesn't understand how Jean can claim one shop's espresso is worse than any other's when it all tastes the same. Jean just loves to over-complicate everything, according to Reiner.

Bertolt: Finally, a based tea and coffee fan. He never gets weird about one form of caffeine being better than the other, and happily alternates between loose-leaf Earl Gray and his favorite medium roast. He just enjoys all the subtle aromas in coffee and tea, sipping his beverage as he watches Reiner and Jean debate about their drinks for the millionth time. He'll also order from the seasonal menu.

Annie: No frills no fuss, just black with a splash of half-and-half. She might whisk in some collagen powder if she's in a rush that day, just to help get some extra protein in.

Marco: Another frappe enjoyer, he's a Starbucks person lmfao. (he would NOT survive the sbx boycott) He's got the app on his phone and regularly orders a caramel frappuccino.

Historia: She's a big fan of matcha, like Mikasa, and also enjoys anything lavender flavored.

Ymir: Okay she's not quite the nonbinary barista in the black apron. But, she is the tatted-up and pierced lesbian behind the counter. Do not put her ass on the register because she will get into a yelling match with a customer over how impossible (and stupid) their drink is to make. During her fifteen she's out back, smoking and sipping on her iced oat milk latte, scrolling through twitter. (We know what you are, Ymir)

Levi: Surprisingly doesn't drink caffeine. He says he feels more 'even' without it, and has other vices like the occasional drink after a long day. He did have a phase with cold brew though.

Hange: Their go-to order is a simple chai latte, with the addition of a shot of espresso if they have a long night ahead of them. Hange's developed quite the discerning palate when it comes to their beloved chai and can tell when a joint is using pre-made syrup versus mulling the spices in-house. They're also lactose-intolerant and sticks with oat or coconut milk.

Erwin: Good god someone get this man a new coffee-maker. That thing is like old enough to vote, all the buttons are illegible, and it hasn't been descaled once in its miserable life. The poor thing's on 24/7, duct-taped to life support, and brewing up some of the strongest coffee known to man; the cracked carafe pouring its black sludge into Erwin's seasoned coffee mug. Yeah, he's that kind of person. He's been gifted plenty of new mugs, but always finds himself reaching for his unwashed tumbler that used to say "World's #1 Boss" fifty years ago.

Pieck: She prefers hot beverages year-round and loves rose flavored drinks. Pieck also enjoys a good loose-leaf English breakfast or orange-spiced black tea. She has a collection of fun animal-shaped tea infusers and prizes her Animal Crossing to-go mug.

Porco: Another no frills no fuss kind of guy, Porco keeps instant coffee stocked in his pantry and microwaves the water/milk he stirs it in.

Zeke: He's worse than a snob. He's picky. When Zeke pops into his local café, it's like the air shifts and everything suddenly goes quiet. Yeah, he'll have that shaken, not stirred, pulled as a double ristretto, blonde roast, frothed, never steamed, with room and double-sleeved. He recites his order so fucking fast too, the poor teenager at the counter helplessly stands there like they just got flashbanged. Oh, there's a rush going on? He hadn't noticed. But if he's on the go, he'll just grab a kombucha from his fridge.

[reinersbigmilkers]

🌶🔥 How the aot cast handles spice 🔥🌶

Includes: Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, Marco, Historia, Ymir, Levi, Hange, Erwin, Pieck, Porco, Zeke

Eren: Pre-time skip, tolerates a 4/10 spice level. He doesn't dislike spicy food, and is willing to try it, but finds it weird how people seek out super spicy things. Like why do they want to torture themselves? Post-time skip, he's gone up to a 7/10. He strikes me as a hot chip and buldak enjoyer now that his taste buds have had some time to mature.

Mikasa: 9/10 she's a stoic spice queen. Outwardly, it looks like she's invincible to it — no sniffling or redness detected. However, there was that one time she had some Thai food from a new place she'd never eaten at before and it humbled her.

Armin: He's a baby when it comes to spice, leaving him at a 1/10. Hot cheetos are on the extreme end for this twink.

Jean: He tolerates it at a pretty average 5/10. Though he doesn't strike me as someone who'd seek out a lot of spice. He probably likes Cholula or something for the 'flavor'.

Connie: Surprisingly handles spice at a 6/10. Enjoys a good spicy ramen and likes to order hot dishes just to show off from time to time. Not that it always goes as planned (sometimes he makes a complete fool of himself lol) but isn't afraid of the heat.

Sasha: 4/10, not that she particularly enjoys it, but sees the merit in why people do. At first she'd dislike spicy food. Like do you not want to enjoy what you're eating? Why make a dish painful to eat?? But if you put some Mexican food in front of her I think she'd have her spice epiphany.

Reiner: This fools whiter than a sheet or printer paper, scoring him a 2/10. Crushed red pepper flakes and a few glugs of Tabasco are about where his tolerance ends. And if anyone were to try and call him out and get him to try something spicy, he'd be like "No thanks. I know what it's like when it comes out the other end."

Annie: Also not a spice fan, leaving her at a 3/10. Doesn't see the appeal and never goes out of her way to order anything spicy. If a dish is naturally on the hot side, she'll soldier through, just with a lot of water.

Bertolt: Never seeks out spicy food and doesn't enjoy it, making him score similarly to at Annie at a 2.5/10. Especially hates how it makes his lips and nose tingle. He's more dramatic than her, though, and constantly has to blow his nose if he eats anything hot.

Marco: 1/10 for this sweetie. He's a wuss and knows it, making sure the specify how poorly he handles spice when he gets takeout.

Historia: a fellow wuss, scoring a 2/10. Spice flavor profiles do nothing for her </3

Ymir: Nonchalant as hell she eats at a 7/10 spice level no problem. She loves to tease Historia about her lack of tolerance, and has been scolded plenty of times by her gf for tricking her into eating spicy food.

Levi: He's at a solid 8/10. Not the type of fanatic to seek out spice all the time, but enjoys a large repertoire of dishes that're naturally hot.

Hange: Alright, hear me out... 10/10. They're a mad scientist that doses themself with poison just to see what effects it has on the human body, in the name of science. Hange has a similar approach when it comes to spice, and would absolutely love trying different cuisines from around the world, unaltered to their Eurocentric palate. They're a real anthropologist that way. Not to say they handle spice well, but from constant exposure to new things, they adore and enjoy spice the most out of the aot cast. I think they'd be particularly fond of Indian food with its complex flavor profiles and rich history behind each dish. And whenever something is really spicy, they gush and gush about how badly it hurts; crying with that crazy smile on their face.

Erwin: He eats spice very stoically for someone who has a tolerance of 4/10. Again, not the type to love spice or go out of his way to order it, but is always willing to try to something new, even if there's the possibility he won't like it. He's also the type of guy to extinguish the heat with his tried and true glass of milk.

Pieck: Her taste is a pretty average, 5.5/10. Enjoys the occasional hot chip and Korean rose pasta. Heavy on anything that's creamy or cheesy, as that's her favorite delivery service for heat.

Porco: at a 6.5/10, he's partial to peppers when they're fresh, or used as a topping or are cooked whole, sorta like a dishes centerpiece. Take jalapeno poppers or roasted peppers, for example. I think he'd get more out of them for their flavor, rather than as a spice modifier for the sake of heat.

Zeke: Scoring a 7.5/10, he's the type of guy to collect hot sauces. Whenever he's out traveling, he'll make it a point to find a new brand to bring home with him as a way of commemorating the trip. He takes an especial interest in smaller brands that boast unusual ingredients. He's also very proud of his collection, and has them all ranked on an excel sheet.

[reinersbigmilkers]

they laced the animation with coke or something cuz how the hell am i simping over three blonde white boys?

[reinersbigmilkers]

Zeke and scary movies:

Light NSFW / MDNI

Alright, he's the annoying film bro. He lives and breathes Quentin Tarantino and David Fincher. What does his crush mean they haven't seen Pulp Fiction or Casablanca? Not even Eyes Without a Face? What about The Godfather or Se7en?? Fine, fine, they're a horror buff. Then surely they've watched the must-sees like Psycho, Rosemary's Baby, and The Shining, right?

Regardless of what classics his date has or hasn't seen, Zeke is quick to draft up their horror movie itinerary, sometimes getting so carried away by his own taste that he forgets to check in on what they'd like to watch. It's not that he's the type of cinephile to have a superiority complex (okay, well maybe he is), more that he's super excited to show his date all of his favorite movies, as he's a massive film nerd.

Hopefully his crush doesn't mistake his passion for selfish steamrolling, otherwise they'll have an even harder time throwing their picks into the ring, since talking about movies with Zeke is sorta like staring into the sun: staggering. It's endearing to see him so enthusiastic, but overwhelming nonetheless.

At least it's obvious he cares about his date's experience to some degree, as he's taken the time to carve out an entire day from his busy schedule for them. He also procured all the movie theater fixings: popcorn, milk duds (one of his faves), soft pretzels with cheese deep, and the soda he noticed his crush tends to order. Did he get it right?

Once they've settled into his makeshift home theater — there's pillows and blankets galore — Zeke surprisingly plants himself close to his date, as if it's the most natural thing in the world for their shoulders and knees to be touching. I don't think he'd get flustered easily from that sort of thing, and feels pretty at ease when it comes to romance.

Hitting play, the two of them don't even go ten minutes before Zeke pauses to explain some random piece of trivia about the film. His date better buckle in, cuz that's going to be a recurring theme.

Zeke views his crush as a safe place to nerd out, so what'd normally be a two hour film turns into four; that poor pause button on the remote begging for mercy. It's suddenly starting to make a lot of sense why he took a whole day off to watch something with them.

There's the typical blood, guts and gore. Yawn. Nothing Zeke hasn't seen before. His horror 'tolerance' has been raised by all the bizarre avant-garde indie flicks he's consumed. Instead, he'd be spouting on about practical versus digital effects, and how he vastly prefers puppets to CGI. At this point he's info-dumping — something Zeke struggles with a lot, but still makes the effort to let his date get a word in. (I have ADHD and I'm lowkey hc-ing he has it too lolol)

But talking with Zeke, it's like catching up with a friend of ten years: the conversation ebbs and flow with a familiarity that puts his crush at ease. It's honestly sweet as hell. Lots of laughter and teasing when Zeke says they'd be the first to die in a horror movie, and them saying he'd be the dumbass that'd investigate that weird noise. Psh, whatever.

Four hours and a thirty minute youtube iceberg video later, it's his date's pick. X??

"Wow, ____, it's like you want me to get horny with all those dicks and tits getting shoved in my face." He laughs (bi king) while turning to them, and when he sees their face, realization washes over him. Oh. Ooh. He smiles, placing a hand on their thigh and turns his attention back to the TV, unusually quiet. What happened to that chatty guy who has a random fun fact to share every five minutes?

He's seen this one before. (Zeke is freaky as hell and was instantly drawn to X's premise. So he doesn't mind shifting his focus elsewhere.) As a result, he talks over the film, breaking the silence, asking his date why they're so far away? It's an odd question since they're arm-to-arm and hip-to-hip. But, he clarifies, telling him his chest is a comfortable spot to rest their head, if they're so inclined. Ah. His sudden coyness starkly contrasts the guy who was just acting out the killer's signature move, done as a bit to get his crush to laugh.

When they oblige his passive request, they're surprised to hear his heart thudding against his ribs, practically trying to knock itself free. They never would've guessed he was nervous when he looks like his usual personable-self — that lazy grin turning the corners of his lips.

Everything's quiet for a time. The two of them enjoying the movie, and an errant, large hand strokes the swell of his date's hips. It's domestic and charged, the both of them wondering when the other will press things further, up until his date finally takes initiative. It's subtle, the way they lean into him: their knee further encroaching on his leg, pressing themself against his thigh; that part of them radiating heat; the hand they had on his chest, it just happens to fall a hairsbreadth above his waistband. Message received.

He doesn't say a word when he tilts their head to face him; the softness written across his face worth a thousand words. No, they're past words. The kiss closes the circuit that's been coursing between them, electric and thrumming. Neither of them knows who started using tongue, but Zeke's laving his crush with all the want and desire he's stored for the entirety he's known them. His crush reciprocates, breathy and hungry for more.

He lazily grabs the remote, powering off the TV. The pause button finally knows peace.

[reinersbigmilkers]

Plugging my character playlist for Reiner.

Feel free to send me asks/requests for any of the aot characters. But, Reiner, Zeke, and Erwin will get more of my attention! NSFW is allowed :3

[reinersbigmilkers]

Erwin and scary movies:

Light NSFW / MDNI

He's actually a pretty big cinephile (not the annoying kind), and him showing off his Letterboxd is a somewhat personal thing for Erwin: an act to honor how highly he thinks of his partner/crush.

Horror isn't his preferred genre, but Erwin appreciates a good story regardless of its packaging. Side note: I think he'd be a Jake Gyllenhaal fan lol

He isn't put off by gore or anything graphic. Though, he prefers more cerebral stories to engage that big brain of his. He's also pretty funny on the exceedingly rare occasion he does get scared. He doesn't jump or flinch or gasp. He just turns to his date and is like, "wow, that was scary." with the usual intensity his gaze carries, completely unwavering. They would've never guessed he was capable of getting scared.

As for his personal preferences, slasher movies are alright — some are better than others (the humor of a movie like Scream is entirely lost on him). But he enjoys man vs. monster the most: the Alien series, The Thing, and Predator are some of his faves. He immediately picks up on all the layers as well as the societal commentary each movie is conveying.

Afterwards, discussing and dissecting the material is an important post-movie process for Erwin, as that's his way of appreciating art.

So when he and his date decide to watch a scary movie together, he's along for the ride, happy to spend time with them and swap interpretations on the film. He's also the type to laser focus on the show, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, brows heavy as he gives the movie his undivided attention.

He does not pick-up on the opportunity for intimacy. Like at all.

He's soo concentrated on catching all the details, reflecting on the shot composition, and actively trying to figure out what the director's intentions are that he doesn't even realize he's neglecting his date. But, to be fair, I don't think someone would ask Erwin out if they weren't aware of his eccentricity; it's part of his charm, after all.

So if they're patient with him, and put on their critical thinking cap, it's still a fun time for the both of them. Just with less of the touching and cuddling they were hoping for.

At least Erwin would greatly appreciate someone who can reciprocate his perceptiveness, and if the post-film conversation is stirring enough, he'll want to make movie night a regular thing. Especially if his date/crush is a horror fan, he'll encourage them to show him more of their favorite films, feeling like it's a wonderful way to both bond with and understand them.

If they really were determined to get him away from that damn screen though... they'd have to get creative. The usual "oh, I'm so scared" doesn't work on Erwin. He'd just reassure them that it's all fake, and it's essentially impossible for the scares to happen in real life. It's discouraging, to say the least.

Alright, time to rethink their strategy. Say, for instance, what if they dressed more suggestively each time they got together, until Erwin finally catches the hint? Each date their shorts/skirt get that much shorter, that much tighter; their shirts/blouses that much more form-fitting.

He's still a man after all, and Erwin does notice. Fucking finally.

So it's like that then? He's swift to deduce the motives behind their movie dates pretty quick after that and finds it cute they were holding out all this time for some attention. Fine, he'll give them the intimacy they're looking for. But he's gonna have fun with it.

Erwin would comment that he feels pretty lonely on his side of the couch — cold, even. Would they do they do him the courtesy of warming him and sitting on his lap? Oh, they will? He wasn't sure if they'd be interested in that sort of thing, since it might distract them from the story. It's his subdued version of an apology.

No, it won't take long for Erwin's hands to start wandering. He'll pretend he doesn't hear/feel his date's increasing arousal, maintaining his usual stony surface. In fact, he's still facing forward, providing commentary on the movie, all while slipping a hand under their shirt, tweaking their pebbled flesh, his other sinking past their waistband and catching the slick/bulge he'd been hoping for; tracing them in teasing strokes. If they get too noisy, he'll chide them for it, reminding them they'll miss important details if they don't stay quiet. "You don't want that, right, ____? After all, you're the one who suggested we should watch this in the first place. Unless, you'd like to do something else..?" He's such an asshole and gets off majorly to this power move. He'll even start kissing and sucking the crook of their neck, telling them they'd better still be watching the film by the time he's done, otherwise the major themes will be lost on them.

He figures they're getting what they wanted, right? And so he'll continue — tormenting them until they finally lament it's too much, expressing how needy they are and riling him up in the process. Even then Erwin isn't entirely inclined to give them what they want, as he thoroughly revels in the sexual tension. But if their petulance drove them to grind against the hardness straining his fly, well, it's a taste of his own medicine, and he doesn't last for long.

When things really get hot and heavy Erwin has to pause the movie. He can't stand missing out on the narrative, but knows he has more important things to focus on, at the moment.

[reinersbigmilkers]

Reiner and scary movies:

CW: Hereditary spoilers and references of movie gore / Light NSFW / MDNI

He can handle your average slasher flick. What's so scary about some psycho wielding an axe and terrorizing a bunch of horny teenagers anyway? He's not a fan of the gore, and finds that more disturbing than the scares. But he'd also find how over the top it is kinda funny too.

He'd totally lean over to his date and be like, "I'd never let that happen to us, btw," when one of the cast dies an especially gruesome death. He'd laugh too, and would whisper about who he thinks is gonna die next. It's actually kinda annoying how accurate he can be.

Reiner would absolutely eat up a date that's a scaredy-cat; more than happy to let them take comfort in the safety of his big, strong arms. It's the reaction he was hoping for, after all. And he brought the tiniest blanket along too, using it as an excuse to get even closer to them.

That's what's so great about slasher movies: they're mindless and get you thinking about sex. It's only natural that he and his crush end up all over each other, some chick screaming in the background when his date climbs on top of him, running their hands down his pecs...

And if they're the kind of freak who gets the hots for the slasher? Well... he's a bit shy when he puts on the mask, and his grip on the prop weapon is clumsy at first, but he'd lean into it with the right coaxing. This kind of roleplay doesn't do much for Reiner, but he's more than happy to fulfill his partner's fantasies and extracts plenty of fun out of their enjoyment. Plus, he has the perfect build for any of your silent killers like Jason or The Miner. Just don't ask him to memorize his lines, and don't expect him to deliver them well. (He's a horrible actor. The kind that loses all feeling when prompted LMAO)

Then there's psychological horror. Now it's him that's jumping into his date's arms.

What the fuck do you mean SHE'S SAWING HER GODDAMN HEAD OFF? AND FLOATING??? Reiner is an absolute wreck after Hereditary. He feels betrayed that his date picked this movie, of all things, to traumatize him with.

He'd be nauseous all throughout. The only reason he makes it past Charlie's decapitation is because he doesn't wanna seem like he's a baby in front of his crush/partner. The whole movie, though, his face is permanently screwed up into one big incredulous wince, mouth hanging open and everything. He's white-knuckling the blanket they're sharing, and hopes they don't notice.

Reiner would need eye bleach after that nightmare fest he just witnessed. Hell, he's gonna have nightmares about it. And he blames his date 100%. He can't even fathom how they'd willingly subject themself to such a deranged piece of media. And how the hell are they fine after watching it?! Did they not just watch the same movie together??

He'd pout about it for sure, saying they've lost all movie privileges for the rest of the year. He'll never trust them with movie night again, and from then on, it's nothing but rom-coms and silly feel good movies to heal his psyche. Why couldn't they have just watched HTTYD in the first place, like he suggested???

Reiner would need lots of affection after a movie like Hereditary, and totally drinks up all reassurance his crush/partner gives him afterwards.

Alright, maybe it was worth it after all. Now what's this about Midsommar?