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We looked inside some of the posts by reproject365 and here's what we found interesting.
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Day 33 of 2025
I don’t know why I feel it in my gut that one day you’re going to reach out to me. At this point, I feel like it can be obsession. My instincts have always been right though, and my prayers have always gone answered no matter how long they take.
At this point, I’m not sure why I’m still holding on to that message or that apology. It’s been 8 years, and I can’t stop. Why??? Why can’t I??? I should be able to stop. I’ve moved forward, why can’t I let you go? What do I need to do??? It’s not like I haven’t done my part. I’ve done my all to reach out, why isn’t that enough? Why can’t you do the same??? Why can’t I get the message either that you’re just not going to??? I hate this so much.
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Day 4 of 2025
Last night I dreamt about you and it felt so real. In the dream, we went to find a bathroom in the mall, you put your arms around me. You were in your all white uniform. I asked you, “Is this real or is this just another memory? Is it really you in this figure?” You smiled and said, “Yes, it’s really me.” I went ahead and told you, “I miss you so much. I still think about you all the time.” And you said, “Why’s that?” I said, “Because you’re my soulmate. How about you?” You answered, “Me too. I still think about you all the time.” And I asked why, you said, “Because you’re my soulmate.”
I cried and woke up to the sound of my husband’s coughing. I can’t help but shed 2-3 tears. It felt so real. It’s all I ever wanted to hear, it felt like closure. Were you dreaming of the same thing? It’s impossible though because it’s daytime there. Waking up to reality was hard. I wish you’d contact me just to tell me that you still think about me like I have about you. :(
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I hope being with other people makes us realize we belong to each other. It’s the truth for me, is it the same for you? :(
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Day 21 of 2024
Today is Sinulog day and it’s funny how this day always makes me nostalgic of you. This was the day when we kissed for the first time. We had amazing memories together. We watched fireworks together, it was amazing. This was also the day in 2019 when I asked for a closure. I thought that that would be the day when it would give you the go signal. But you never did. And it hurts. I miss you so bad. I regret not taking the chances when I had. Like the one when our friend had a despidida party. I feel like that was supposed to be our chance, but I didn’t take it. But I also hoped you took it. Why are we always holding ourselves back? Or is it just me? Why am I still holding on to this so bad. I don’t get it. I miss you and I hope you message me. :(
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Is this my karma? That you’re not here. I’m still hoping though. I was so excited but I guess this is God’s way of saying, no more!
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I dont know what day it is so whatever
Tomorrow I might potentially be meeting R. I don’t know why I’m so excited. I was praying that I wish I’d meet him, and every night I create scenarios in my head. But what for? Is this all I’m ever gonna be? Wishing for someone who couldn’t even pick up his phone to text me? Does he feel the same, getting excited to see me? Creating scenarios in his head? Sometimes my gut tells me yes, but at this point, should I really be trusting my gut? All it does is make me make bad decisions I regret. Honestly I hate my life.
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Day 163/365
I need to let you go. Why can’t I ever let you go? I’m with a good person now. Someone who wants to start a family with me and a life with me. But here I am thinking about you all the time!!! I have to let you go. Please let me let you go. Why can’t you just give me my closure? Why can’t GOD give me my fucking closure! P doesn’t deserve a half assed love. I’m trying so hard to give him what he deserves but I can’t do that if I can’t stop thinking about you!!! Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for hurting me!!! I do not deserve this lifetime of sadness, just because I can’t get over you!! I deserve to be really happy without you!!! Fuck you!!!
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Day 158/365
Lately things have been ok with me and P. I guess I’m starting to get used to my current living situation. Sometimes not so. I still get freaked out about everything from time to time, I’ve just found a better way to cope and keep it to myself. You know what’s something I still haven’t quite made a grasp of? Why every night I still think about R. The logical side of me always says it’s not worth it anymore and that it was never gonna work. No matter what scenario I see. But why??? Why am I still hung up on him? Thinking about him every night puts me to sleep. Fuck. Why can’t I just get over him?? Or maybe I’m over him, it’s just the what ifs. I still hope and pray every night that he chats me. Ugh i hate this.
P is perfect. He’s an amazing husband. He’s kind and patient. But there are things I feel ick about. Sometimes I find him a little messy or dirty. I keep asking him to do this and that. But still, he turns me off some time. Am I right in choosing him? Sometimes i think yes, sometimes no. They say you gotta work things out in a marriage and that’s what im doing but what if he’s just not the one. What if i was settling because i was scared that this is all im ever gonna have. I hate this feeling. I wish i knew better when i was with R. But i know it still wouldn’t have worked for the both of us. No matter what happened. We’d still didnt end up together. But what if
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Day 91/365
This week we’re in a rough. P received a summon from the court and it’s all because of his fucking useless family. I even got to appreciate my family because of all that’s happening. I’ve lost all my respect for his family, even him. Honestly, I’m regretting a lot about him now. I never should’ve married that early. I mean how dumb can you be to get scammed that much for a fucking cellphone. At first I blamed his parents for not guiding him enough, and even forcing him to do that, but all I do is care that I might not hurt him from things I’m saying because he always defends them anyway. So fuck it! They’re all the same. I never should’ve married that quick. He’s not the one. He’s not my bestfriend. He’s not home. He’s not my equal. If he can do something so stupid, how do I expect to trust him in life??? All he does and think about is fucking sports. Do you think sports will help you in life??? Urgh. I am so regretting my decision!!! I’m fucking stupid for choosing this imbecile and now I’m stuck. I wanted to defend his actions but now I’m embarrassed! This means how poorly I chose my partner as well, this reflects on me as well!!! I don’t ever wanna be a part of his family too. From now on, I choose to stay away from them as possible. They’re fucking manipulative abusive pieces of shits. I hate this. I wish I could divorce!!!
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Day 46/365 — 2023
A lot of things have happened lately. I may have adjusted slowly to the married life. Sure, I still fantasize about R from time to time but I’ve started to accept the fact that it didn’t work for us in the past and it’s never gonna work either in the future. Also, I’ve realized even more that I’m so lucky to have married a good guy! P is an amazing guy, and yes I may get annoyed from time to time but I know I am the problem. He’s been nothing but supportive and patient and understanding, and I’ve been nothing but a jackass! I don’t deserve him but I have him anyway. I’ve been reminded lately of how much I love him, and how I’ve loved him since the start. I’ve been unfair to him all this time. I can see I’ve been mourning my single life and I’ve been in denial. I want to say my feelings are valid but how I’ve treated P is just so unfair. But here he is, still loving me endlessly. I must have done right to be this lucky. So that’s it. We’re looking forward to our honeymoon and I’m excited to travel the world with him. I love him so much.
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Day 24/365 2023
Wow!!! It’s been like a year since I posted and I can’t believe how much things have changed since then. P and I finally got married. You know what has been troubling me lately? How everything feels so fucking boring. Yup, I know I’ve been wanting to do it for the past year but now I wish I didn’t get married so fast. I mean, do I love P? Yes, I can’t imagine life without him. Do I sometimes regret marrying him? Yes, temporarily whenever we fight. Sometimes I find how we’re not that compatible. Like, I want someone to mentally stimulate me and he does nothing like that. He’s so fucking boring. But one thing is that he spoils me but that’s just it. Other than that, nothing stimulating. Not even sexually. It’s been a while since we had sex because I never get stimulated enough. Lately, I’ve been watching too much porn because it stimulates me and I masturbate because at this point, I’m the only one who gives me the pleasure that I need.
And because it’s been this fucking boring, all I do is fantasize about R and how much I miss him. I even wished we saw each other last week during our mini reunion so that we could talk! I don’t even think I really missed him, I just missed the rush, the stimulation, the excitement! At this point, I missed getting my ego boosted. I wish I didn’t get married that fast. I miss getting flowers, being wooed and all that stuff.
I don’t mean to be negative about everything. If you look at the bright side, I know I married the good guy. I just don’t think he’s the right guy.
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Day 11 of 365/2022
I went to P’s over the weekend and stayed there for a night. I went there because his last living grandparent died. I had fun. I forgot about the pandemic for a while. I wish this pandemic would end. I missed going out without having to worry I might get my family sick.
P has been talking to his family that he might get married this year. It made me happy, but it can be quite scary too. We’ve been talking about going to Canada instead, and it makes me feel lighter than New York. If he has to compromise about living and working abroad, I have to compromise to where he’s more comfortable too. It sounds pretty nice starting over together too. Also, I don’t really think my profession was for me. I just enjoyed the theory part, but I’ve never really been good about the practice part. I’ve seen it over the years. It’s just not what I do best.
I do best with computers though- maybe that’s why I’ve been enjoying my job right now. It’s both healthcare and computers. It’s what I know best and do best at the same time. Plus, no need to do a lot of socializing which I realized I’m not really the best at. I guess I tried so hard before. I had a lot of energy before. I don’t know how I had that. Now all my energy is just limited to the people that matters most. My family, P, and just a few close friends.
That’s another thing though, do I still have friends? I’m not sure. I guess I’ve come to a point when I just don’t care anymore. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. All I know is that I just want a simple, peaceful life. I want to settle down. I want boring- something wherein I don’t have to try so hard, and just be myself.
It’s 2022- I cried over the new year’s. I’m getting older. Fuck. I can’t see myself in this stage. I’m now at a point wherein I don’t care as long as I’m happy. But fuck! I’m getting old. Everyone’s getting old. Why is this all happening so fast? I wanna go back to some years I wasted doing shit.
It’s 2022- Am I ready to settle down, really? Am I ready to get married? To leave my single life behind? I had fun being single. I enjoy being alone most of the time. But wow. Getting married? Having a family? Starting a new life? Am I really ready for that? It’s time to accept it. But why does it have to be this soon?
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Day 331/365
Everything has been going well. I have the perfect job, perfect boyfriend, perfect family, perfect life. I could not ask for more. I never thought life would go down so well. I don’t want to change anything.
Lately I’ve been so confused about New York. P wants to come with me. But I don’t wanna go anymore. I just wanna have a simple life with him here. But we believe things won’t be as successful as being outside this country.
I believe things are stable now. I just wish things don’t have to change.
We might be getting married next year. I’m sure about P, but it’s scaring the shit out of me.
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Day 216/365
Today I woke up feeling better than the other day. Things have been very well with P. I should really stop with my passive aggressive behavior sometimes. There are times when I keep on forgetting I’m dealing with a good MAN here. So I don’t really have to act like a little kid anymore.
Today I’ve been worried about going to the US. Sometimes I look at my dog and I can’t imagine leaving him behind. Sometimes I look at my family and see how blessed I am that we are all safe during this pandemic. Right now, I don’t wanna go anywhere else. I’m safe here, I feel better here now.
If only these opportunities showed up on my front door years ago. Maybe I’ve always had many opportunities but I never took them as a good opportunity because of the thought that I really needed to go abroad to look successful enough. Nowadays, I don’t look at career or being rich as successful. Nowadays, I look at having loved ones around me safe and sound and happy as successful. It is true what they say about investing in relationships. At the end of the day, money can’t always save you, your loved ones will.
I’m so confused about my future now. I think I’ve always been so confused about it but just kept on denying because of the fact that I kept pushing myself that all I wanted was to work abroad. But maybe that’s no longer true now. I’ve been having a great life here now, and I don’t wanna lose this and start over again anymore. I want all of this now.
Lately, out of desperation, I’ve been thinking about having myself pregnant with P. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. But I want him to propose to me. For the sake of the visa and all that stuff. Will he ever before 1 year? I’m desperate. I want my relationship and career at the same time. Is that even possible? Why do I have to choose? What if I choose my relationship now, will my career come later? I’m scared if I don’t choose my career I might have consequences especially since I signed a contract. I even want to ask about backing out. I’m lost because of the so many opportunities coming my way, but all of them have consequences that needed life decisions. I am desperate. I want a family and a career at the same time. When will life ever go easy on me? Why is my timing always bad? If only I’ve known P then, I wouldn’t have signed up for this contract. Maybe I would have stayed here in the Philippines with him, maybe even take up medicine or something that would give me a career and a life here with him. Ugh, so many what ifs. I don’t know what’s coming but I hope everything will finally fall into place.
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