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requiem626k · 7 months

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thinking about how kunikida is inarguably suicidal and yet how many people seem to miss this completely when discussing his character, likely bc the way he goes about it stands in complete opposition to how dazai deals with his own suicidal tendencies (disclaimer, i’m basing this of off what i can remember bc i’m too lazy to look for all these scenes rn)

because dazai is fully aware of his feelings, embraces them, really. all of his attempts are unambiguous and he talks about wanting to die a lot, but he also has strong self preservation instincts (if you can call it that). he rarely puts himself in immediate danger and strays away from pain. also all of his attempts (from what we’ve seen in the main manga at least) are highly ineffective (and he knows it) because he’s still hoping to find some reason to live, it’s a huge theme in his character arc (which doesn’t diminish how he feels or how serious his condition is)

but with kunikida is the complete opposite. first of all, he doesn’t seem to register how he feels as being suicidal. i would imagine it’s partly because of how strongly he associates the feeling with dazai, and he’s nothing like him so it can’t be that. but when you pay attention to how he acts it becomes clear that’s what’s going on with him. the helicopter scene is the prime example, how quick he is to throw his life away even when he doesn’t really have to (there had surely been different ways to deal with the hunting dogs then, i mean chuuya was right there), but this also comes up during the scene with aya when she’s first introduced. after the bomb thing gets resolved she asks him what he would have done if yosano didn’t come and he just.. smiles and tells her that he promised not to have people die in front him (i’m paraphrasing this bc i’m too lazy to find the chapter sorry). and it’s easy to miss i guess, but it’s still so chilling he basically admits that he’s rather die on the spot than have to deal with the guilt of not being able to save people. like that’s not,,,, a normal and healthy way to think. and then there’s also what jouno says to him (and again i’m paraphrasing), how his first involuntary reaction to the possibility of his friends dying was relief, with shame and fear coming afterwards. because if his friends are dead that means he can give up and die too.

so yeah uh, i think there’s something really wrong with him and most of these feeling seem to stem from guilt which makes me wonder what the hell happened to him that he’s now acting this was. asagiri release the forbidden backstory <\3

#oh my god #this is so well put… i’m gonna cry #i just need his backstory… please asagiri #bsd manga spoilers #bsd kunikida

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requiem626k · 8 months

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A Day Worthy of Living

Kunikida x GN!Reader

he’s never had the heart to celebrate his birthday.

warnings: kunikida’s self-deprecating thoughts, overall bittersweetness

genre: hurt to fluff

word count: 2k

a/n: it’s kunikida’s birthday, and i of course had to prepare something for it. while scrolling and reading kunikida-sensei’s beautiful quotes, i came upon an interesting one that had a close relation to his birthday, so i based the idea of this fic and my own headcanon that hopefully doesn’t seem too far-fetched on it. this turned far more bittersweet than i had imagined though ahh, i hope it’s good.

thank you so much for all the comfort you’ve given me, my beloved.

happy birthday, kunikida. happy birthday, kunikida-sensei. <3

Kunikida Masterlist

Do you remember the question you posed to me today?

The one that I hopelessly avoided responding to.

It has always been against my ideals to talk about my feelings, yet I feel like my heart is going to lose control of its rhythm if I don’t do so.

Today is my birthday, yes.

That one day in a year that I despise the most, and you asked me why.

I’m a man who has failed miserably countless times in his duty to save people. A man who has witnessed countless deaths before his eyes without being able to do anything to prevent it.

How could such a man find the heart to celebrate the dawning of his own life when he’s taken others’ away?

I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in birthdays.

…

He let out a low grunt as he crumpled the piece of paper and threw it into the trash can, next to his 6 other unsuccessful drafts. He was hearing his constant heartbeat in his brain like a hammer, an unbearable heaviness lied on his temples yet he knew it was bound to be.

He was more than used to welcome the pain on every August 30th.

He desperately looked at the clock. 09.13 PM. Less than 3 hours to go. To begin with a new, fresh day where he can once again wake up, in hopes to chase after what he so believes in with a great passion.

If it was up to him he would’ve spent these three hours sleeping, a temporary death as he would put it, but he knew he shouldn’t be sleeping during “work”. He was currently in a hotel, on a mission with a few other colleagues from the Agency -including you-, and he had to stay alert in case something happened in this unsafe environment.

He ran his fingers through his hair, still in contemplation of that day’s events.

You weren’t doing better than him in the next room. Sitting on the bed, so regretful of having brought up the topic of his birthday during dinner, you just couldn’t help it- How could the Agency’s members ignore their Vice President’s special day? You were even more confused when all the cheerful faces turned sour and averted their eyes from yours when Kunikida abruptly stood up, a stoic “Good evening.” falling from his lips, after hearing your one-worded question.

“Why?”

There was something you didn’t know, the mixture of guilt and curiosity was creating a heavy knob in the middle of your heart, and it was about to take over your whole self. It brought you a great grief to know that he was suffering, and the worst thing was that he wasn’t even asking for help.

You had to change that.

When Kunikida heard a knock on his room’s door, his heart skipped a beat. Had something happened? Was it the room service, an ally, or a foe? Anxious thoughts started flying in his mind as he took strong but careful steps towards the door, one hand on his silver gun as a precaution.

When your eyes met his after the door’s harsh opening, you were taken aback by his stressed demeanor.

“Oh, Y/N.” he muttered, his stiff facial expression suddenly softening. “What are you doing here?”

“I… just wanted to apologize.” His eyes widened at your sudden, vulnerable statement. “For what happened today. I know that I put you in an uncomfortable state, it was completely unvoluntarily done. Please forgive me, Kunikida.”

Incoherent syllables fell from his lips when you bowed in front of him, as a way to show your respect and heartache.

“You… You really don’t need to be sorry about it. You couldn’t have known, it was a natural topic for you to bring up. It was me who acted so immature, and I should be the one apologising.”

All you could do was to respond with a faint smile, knowing that it was not true at all. But you were aware that the usual polite distance he put between himself and other people would never allow him to accept anything opposed to that, so you kept silent.

You saw his frown deepen and head raise, as it always happened before he would completely crawl into his walls of cold, strict manners; and that was the last thing you wanted to happen on that night.

“Would you like to… take a walk outside?” you asked gently.

For a reason that was completely unknown to you, he showed no sign of surprise or disapproval. He merely let out a deep sigh, and muttered:

“I could really use some fresh air.”

He was truly not mad at you, no. He was mad at himself for having behaved so, for having such confusing feelings and thoughts when it came to you. Whenever he was near you, he always had this immense desire to seek comfort in your presence, to pour his heart out, to become as vulnerable as possible; and his heart was so frightened of the possible outcomes of this sentiment for such a reserved man as himself.

That’s why he was utterly scared of you, yet was constantly being drawn to your figure at the same time.

His body needed the garden’s fresh air to breathe, and his soul needed your presence alongside him. He had preferred not voicing the second part, though.

The hotel’s garden was giant and truly gorgeous, your jaw had dropped when you first saw the enchantingly colorful trees, and you were once again feeling stupefied by their beauty while walking through the maples alongside Kunikida. It was fin-August after all, the weeping branches prepared to bid farewell to their mature leaves. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply when a cool breeze swept over your face, feeling the fresh air deep in your lungs, bringing life and vividness to every single fibre of your body.

As you two calmly kept walking side by side, you thought about how you had always found Kunikida’s silence so comforting. Staying quiet with him was never awkward, you would never feel the need to ridiculously try engaging in small talk when you were next to him. His silence spoke to you, it had its own voice that you were more than happy to be able to hear and understand, and it felt as if nothing could harm you anymore when you were surrounded with the bubble of comfort he provided to you.

You shivered when you felt the warmth of his slender fingers on your shoulder.

“Let us not get too far.”

You opened your eyes, and the scenery that welcomed you above took your breath away. You were mesmerised, there was a sea of bright stars in front of you, it almost felt like you could touch them if you reached out for the sky with your hand.

“It’s lovely.” you whispered, without taking your eyes off the sparkles.

“It is.” he tenderly responded, his breath on your skin making your heart tingle.

With a silent, telepathic agreement, you both sat under a sugar maple which was just big enough to give you coolness but small enough to let you stargaze.

He sighed while loosening his red ribbon and lightly resting the back of his head on the tree’s trunk.

“The summer’s gone in two hours. We are about to welcome autumn.”

You looked at him with questioning eyes, baffled. There was something angelic in his figure beneath the sweet moonlight that adorned the blond strands of his hair and sharp jawline.

“Is it wrong to be moved by the feeling of sorrow at this exact time, every year? You wanted to learn why, yet even I don’t know how I can describe it. All I know is that my heart is full with mingled feelings of lamentation, remorse, and anger. Lamentation towards the dead, remorse towards the past and anger towards myself.”

A single leaf tenderly abandoned itself to the mild breeze, elegantly dancing in the air. You both simultaneously followed it with your eyes.

“That leaf, for instance. It lived, and it died. And now, it’s going to provide life to other leaves. Unlike us, who only cause destruction and sadness, whether we want it or not. Before, and even after our death.” His voice softened. “Maybe real happiness truly does lie in this valley and in this woods.”

You were listening to his words with a great bewilderment, without being able to mutter a word as a reaction. This side of Kunikida was truly unknown to you, for he had always been the idealistic, hopeful, emotionally strong member of the Agency. Even you… Even you weren’t aware of the burden he felt himself underneath. Then it hit you, the realisation of just how much he had been holding inside, the suffering from the past interweaving with the anxiety for the future, becoming unbearable through every passing minute and reaching its peak on that one day.

His birthday.

There wasn’t anything you wanted more at that moment than wrapping his body with your arms and holding him gently on the spot, in hopes to soothe him just the littlest bit.

“What if you’re wrong?”

The sound of crickets filled the silence between you.

“What if I’m certain that you’re bringing so much happiness and life to at least one person on this world?”

“You cannot know that.”

“There’s a reason I do.”

You hesitantly kept the eye contact after this little sentence which meant a lot to both of you.

“I don’t know what exactly happened years ago, Kunikida. Yet I don’t need to know it to be able to say, from the deepest place of my heart, that it does not define you nor the validity of your life.”

You adjusted your posture, turned towards him and kept talking. “I know that my words might mean nothing to you, for you have believed in that for so long…” You stopped mid-sentence and gulped, trying to find the right words, “…but you just cannot compensate for the lost lives by thinking little of your own. You mustn’t die for them, Kunikida. That’s where you’re wrong.”

His eyes were averted to the ground, fingers trailing the lifeless leaves on the soil, trying to process your carefully chosen words and making sense out of them.

“You must live for them. Live for them, so that their legacy and memory exist through you. That is the real challenge.”

“Y/N.” His voice cracked while muttering your name. “I… I don’t feel strong enough. I don’t feel adequate enough. I don’t know how to do it, I don’t know how to accept the challenge.” He wrapped his head with his hands, the despair in his voice making your heart ache. “I don’t know how I’ll bear it.”

“You’re forgetting that you’re not alone.” You lightly touched his forearm. “I’m here. I will always be.

I promise.”

His fingers swept over yours, which were still lying on his sleeve.

“Thank you.”

He inhaled deeply, not being able to have enough of your warmth on his fingertips. He felt like a light leaf, as if he had gotten rid of every unnecessary load of heavy thoughts and filled their void with one of the most delightful sensations on the world: gratefulness.

“How do you feel, Kunikida?” you asked, fearing your words might have been too much.

“Ah…” he mumbled while raising his head with a faint smile, “Pierced even to the depth by a blow, unexpected as well as deadly…”

“Pitiable avenger of a just quarrel, and unfortunate object of an unjust severity.” you completed his phrase with a chuckle. “Corneille. What an accurate description of Kunikida Doppo.”

He returned the soft grin. “I never knew you read him.”

“Yet you took your chances.”

“There’s another thing about which I’d like to take my chances, if you let me.”

When his lips softly met yours, he finally felt worthy of and grateful for being born, for the first time in his life.

The summer has gone and autumn is coming. This is the time when I am moved by the feeling of sorrow. Now my heart is full with mingled feelings of lamentation, remorse, and anger.

Yes, real happiness lies in this valley and in this woods.

- Kunikida Doppo, from the story Going Home Again

The sentences that Kunikida and the reader quote are taken from Le Cid by Corneille, from Don Rodrigue’s famous, bittersweet monologue in Act I - scene 6.

Taglist: @pompompurin1028 @jadegreenimmortality @n1kolaiz @alittlesimp @bsdparadise @sadcannibal @greenshirtimagines @shakespearesdrugdealer (comment on this post if you’d like to be added!)

#happy birthday my beloved. i miss you dearly #<3 #i probably won’t be able to prepare anything for this day so forgive me while i reblog one of my earlier works for his past birthday #q

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