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[resilientmama]

2020 has been rough. But it’s coming down to a smooth landing for us here in this household. My husband is home from his deployment and we’re about a month out for completing my son’s adoption. We have so many things to be grateful for. Mostly that I can continue this blog finally! Woot woot. Here’s a little illustration I enjoy ❤️

[resilientmama]

The Covert Narcissist.

The title narcissist gets used loosely to describe a person who exhibits traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD for short.

What is NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personality disorder in which an individual has an exaggerated opinion of themselves. They have an unquenchable thirst for the attention and admiration of everyone.

Individuals suffering from NPD are generally unhappy and unbearably disappointed when not receiving the praise, special favors and attention they believe they are deserving of.

Cause of NPD are believed to be:

Childhood abuse or neglect

Excessive parental parenting

Unrealistic expectations from parents or family members

Sexual promiscuity (often correlating to NPD)

Cultural influences

There are two main categories used to divide types of narcissism.

Covert and Overt.

Other very specific categories of narcissism can be split between the two main categories.

Today I want to discuss the Covert Narcissist.

Covert narcissists are the easiest to slip under our moral and immoral radar. Unlike its sister category, overt, covert narcissism hides tucked away under the surface of the individual.

Covert Narcissists are very good at appearing to a be a victim. But often what they’re falling victim to are their own circumstances that are self-caused.

Watching covert narcissism unfold is similar to reading and following a really badly written self help book.

The covert narcissist does not have the same grandiose outward appearance and demeanor associated with overt narcissism, which is what is usually referred to as textbook NPD.

Cover narcissists often appear shy, have a sense of humility and are extremely sensitive to what others think of them.

The covert narcissist is generally vulnerable, deeply insecure and prone to easily damaged self esteem. They’re hyper sensitive to any criticism, as most people are. But the reaction of this type of narcissist is what sets them apart from the normal sensitive human being.

Dismissal of all negative or constructive criticism is a main factor. The narcissist, although sensitive and vulnerable will put up a front that the criticism is below them, often using sarcastic remarks and snide comments to undermine whomever is dishing out criticism.

Internally this narcissist is seething with rage, humiliated and left feeling empty.

This progresses to the next behavior characteristic.

Passive aggression.

Two main reasoning's within the narcissist’s mind drive this reaction and behavior.

The deep internal belief that their specialness warrants them to get whatever they want, at any length they have to go to.

The desire to have revenge over those they believe wronged them or have had greater praise or success.

Example’s of how a narcissist uses passive aggressive behavior:

Sabotaging another individual’s work life or friendships

Teasing or mocking remarks framed as light-hearted jokes

Silent treatments

Inconspicuous blame-shifting causing their chosen victim to feel bad or question what the reality of problematic events really is

Procrastinating on events and tasks they feel are beneath them

People with NPD feel a constant need to have validation from others surrounding them. This yearning for validation and praise stems from wanting to no longer feel bad feelings, shame from the things they’ve done to obtain said validation and feeling limited or small because of their own unavoidable short comings.

The covert narcissist uses a tactic of shelf shaming and putting themselves down in order to receive the praise they’re seeking from others.

Often they are excellent at portraying a fake guilt that’s unbearable, often seeking reassurance, praise and forgiveness from their victims or anyone involved in the situation.

Unlike the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist often appears shy and withdrawn in nature. They are sure not to draw any grand attention to themselves. This type of narcissist will not be the life of the party or the most popular person within a group of friends. You can witness these narcissists often sharing the spotlight with a close friend or a family member. Keeping themselves out of the spotlight allows them to do their bidding out of the public eye, making it harder for individuals dealing with them to detect the tactics being used against them. The need to not draw big attention to themselves, besides when seeking pity, stems from an internal lack of self worth and low self esteem.

Covert narcissism is accompanied by grandiose fantasies.

Often these narcissists focus on what could have been. Where they have went wrong. But after the fixation of these fantasies set in, they spin a tale of why everything that’s happened is the opposing parties fault.

A smug or an “I’ll show you” attitude goes hand in hand with the fantasy world the narcissist immerses themselves into.

A blatant statement that can be made about anyone who is struggling with NPD is they will execute their revenge on you, one way or another. The “I’ll show you” attitude is unavoidable unless you give them what they want or need.

Fantasies that the covert narcissist often experiences are:

The reconciliation of a relationship they’ve ruined, at the expense of the other party taking blame

Being admired for their attractiveness everywhere they go

Being recognized for their talents and achievements everywhere they go

Effortlessly being the best spouse, friend or child 

Receiving praise for rescuing others from a disaster

Covert narcissism involves a high risk of co-occurring depression and anxiety, along with the onset of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The need to “make up and break up” fuels much of their undermining. The immediate gratification from the resolution of a high conflict relationship brings them great pleasure and a feeling of adequacy. 

There are two major reasons for all above stated conditions:

Fear of failure with tactics or exposure for their true character may contribute to severe anxiety

Frustration over idealized expectations not matching up with reality, and the inability to get needed praise and gratitude from others can trigger feelings of resentment and deep seeded depression.

Feelings of emptiness and thoughts of suicide correlate with cover narcissism. 

The covert narcissist is excellent at the ability to hold a long term grudge.

When this narcissist believes someone has treated them unfairly or less-than, they feel furious but say nothing within the moment. Instead they are prone to wait for an ideal opportunity to make the other person look bad or take revenge into their own hands.

The revenge can often be subtle or passive aggressive, as we’ve discussed before.

This point in time is when playing the victim works to their advantage.

Starting rumors, sabotaging a person’s career or using their tactics to destruct a relationship are all tools used during the grudge holding phase.

People with NPD, cover or overt tendencies alike, often envy people for things they feel the deserve, I.E: spouses and/or relationships, power, social status, money and material possessions.

They’re often under the impression that others are jealous of them because they’re special and superior to them.

A covert narcissist will never discuss their feelings of envy but they internalize theses feelings and express bitterness and resentment for not getting what they believe they are entitled to. 

This narcissist experiences feelings of inadequacy at all points in time. They’re constantly left feeling powerless, shameful and full of anger when not receiving the constant praise or achievements they feel they deserve. 

They’re living with a self-serving empathy. An individual with NPD can have the ability to show empathy to others, but it often gets in the way of their own personal gain. 

Covert narcissists have no problem showing empathy for others. They’re willing the innocently lend a helping hand to others in need, but its in order to receive praise for the good deeds done. They complete these acts of empathy to gain the respect and approval to others. 

In conclusion narcissism has a broad spectrum, many tactics are employed by the narcissist to obtain whatever they believe is rightfully theirs.

The cover narcissist is the innocent party, always. Always a victim, never an aggressor to the outside world. This is the individual that quietly spreads lies and rumors to tarnish the reputations and ruin the lives of their victims. These lives they ruin are trophies to said individuals. Another life ruined is another tally mark on their scale of superiority. Mess with me and your life will be over. To people involved in their lives and partaking in the tactics without being aware they just see their spouse, friend or family member as an innocent party in a world that is constantly attacking them. Any and all admissions of guilt are never just made to seek forgiveness or guidance, there is always expected recourse for their actions. These narcissist attempt to stay out of the spotlight, often having an entourage of others to pick up the slack and openly advocate on their behalf so they can avoid getting their own hands dirty. The must always remain the wholesome, god-fearing, loving and undeserving party of scrutiny and shame. When in the long run most of these horrible situations they’ve became a part of are created by their own hand in the process of seeking revenge and power.

Of all the forums, advice columns, articles and accredited publishing I’ve researched, the only suggested tactic to separating yourself from and overcoming your interactions and consequences from a covert narcissist is this...

Advocating.

The covert narcissist does not see advocating for yourself or other victims as a challenge. They loathe the thought of the truth being brought into the light for others to bear witness. The truth being exposed and them being questioned on the matter brings to the surface anxiety, feelings of low self worth and ultimately the expectation from others to finally hear the truth of what’s been going on behind the scenes. 

Hopefully this entry brings insight as to what kind of tactics have been used against Taylor and myself over the last few years. 

Part 2 of Taylor’s store will be coming next week.

Continue to educate yourselves on these disorders and the kind of people we’re letting into our lives and around our children, and most of all never stay quiet. If something is off, use your voice and let it be known.

Happy reading yall!

[resilientmama]

com·ple·ment

noun

a thing that completes or brings to perfection

a number or quantity of something, especially that required to make a group complete

Oxford Dictionary

[resilientmama]

Hate is the complement of fear, and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.

Sam Vaknin

[resilientmama]

Before there was an us...

I’ve detailed out the basics of my alienation and how I’ve came to this fork in the road with my own journey. I’ve hinted at bits and pieces of how my alienation and Taylor’s alienation are intertwined.

For first time spectators, Taylor is my sweet husband. We’ve been together for three years and married for one year. We share two sons, Logan and Paxton. We live in a home that we love and live an amazing life compared to the turmoil we experienced during our relationships of the past.

In the last three years we have put in many hours, lots of tears, laughter and grief, among other things to build one another up to who we both are today. I can honestly say our relationship has been put through the wringer many times. But we have stuck it out. We have one of the most open and honest relationships I’ve ever witnessed. Sometimes it can get ugly, but it always snaps right back to its original state. The individuals who used our circumstances to try to wedge a gap between us and the love we have definitely got an adverse reaction. We made the conscious choice to always put one another first and it has always benefited us this far.

To an outsider, it might seem my alienation led to Taylor’s. But contrary to popular belief, I must inform you that this man’s alienation started before I was even of legal age.

Before I proceed, I would like to state that I have my husband’s permission to post this story and the details within. This is his firsthand account of the last twelve years of his life, his journey with ongoing manipulation, physical and psychological abuse and alienation from his two children. I will not share the names of anyone involved in this that I have not had permission to do so.  

Taylor got into a serious relationship when he was at the young age of nineteen years old. His partner at this time had a child that was an infant. This infant had a man, who was under the impression he was his father, in and out of his life from the time he was born until near the age of one year old. As the relationship progressed Taylor and his partner moved in together. The child was left behind to live with its grandmother until after constant encouragement and annoyance from a family member probed his partner to bring the child to live with them in their home. Shortly after, the child’s assumed father notified Taylor’s partner that he had a DNA test performed on the child and that he was in fact not the biological father. This left Taylor as the only father figure in the child’s life, then and now.

Moving forward Taylor learned he was soon to be deployed through the National Guard. Taylor and his partner made the decision to quickly get married. This is a regret he lives with to this day.

Roughly a month after getting married, Taylor found out that his partner had chosen to cheat on him. At this time, they were residing in the hometown of one of Taylor’s parents, three hours from Taylor’s hometown and the county the marriage occurred in. Taylor inquired about annulling the marriage. He was told that he would have to file in the county the marriage took place. As Taylor was the sole financial provider for their small family, he couldn’t take time off from work or afford to go file. He had to make the decision to grin and bear it and continued on with the “marriage.”

Now Taylor receives orders to go on his deployment with the National Guard to Iraq. His partner falls pregnant months before he is set to leave. They proceed on with the pregnancy and his first biological child, to his knowledge, is born while he is on his tour.

A normal person has an expectation for life. You grow up, get married, have children and have a happy ending. That was all nothing less that false for Taylor.

He returned home from his tour hopeful that the new child and a fresh start would be what this marriage needed to thrive and survive. It appeared the new baby and the new ownership his spouse believed she had over him was almost too much for him to bare.

This behavior started a viscous cycle. Breaking up, making up, Taylor being physically assaulted regularly. Taylor constantly being kicked out of their home, because why should someone paying all the bills have the right to live in a home that they’re footing the bill for? This was also the first taste of Taylor’s alienation from his children.

Taylor was not the biological father of his partner’s oldest child. So, when it came his time to have the children, he was only allowed access to his biological child and told he had no rights to his other child he had been raising since infancy. That said child did not have a father and it wasn’t his business to worry about.

If anyone reading this knows Taylor, they know his heart. It is bigger, more loving and more selfless than most others, especially when it comes to the children in his life. Things like this broke him emotionally. If there’s anything you can do to hurt that man, it’s taking away access to his children.

Once again, the marriage and relationship were “reconciled” everything was going smoothly again...or so he thought.

Taylor was set to go on an important training with his unit in the National Guard. Days before he was set to leave his partner comes home from a night out at the bar and lets him know that there’s someone else in the picture and it’s time for a divorce. Taylor collects himself and his things and proceeds on to training, not knowing what events are going to occur next.

Another man was moved into the home he shared with his partner. Taylor is forced to get his own place. And that was fine with him. But it could never be that easy, right?

Taylor is denied access to his children on and off at the needs and wants basis of his partner. I need money, you can see the children. I want to go to the lake all weekend, here it’s your turn to have the children. And of course when things were really amplified he was once again denied access to his non-biological child because he had to legal rights to the child, yet he was helping pay for his housing, clothing, daycare and any other expenses that seemed to constantly be occurring.

But not only was the alienation occurring, there were also various forms of psychological and emotional abuse going on. To be cut and dry here, they were still continuing on a sexual and emotional relationship behind the back of his partners new beau.

His partner used this as a warfare between the two men. A sick pleasure was found in watching the two men fight and pawn over said partner.

At this point in time Taylor felt forced to proceed with the adoption of his non-biological child. He had attempted to adopt the child before but was told that the actual biological father needed to be found. After nearly four DNA tests, that’s a direct number from Taylor, the child’s father was found. With the help of his partner, they began and eventually finished the child’s adoption and he now had legal rights to the fatherless child he had been raising since before he was a year old.  

To Taylor’s surprise he was notified by his partner that once again a pregnancy had occurred, and he was one hundred percent the father of the unborn child. He was even told that there was not one baby, but two, twins. Taylor was overwhelmed, but happy that he was having another biological child or children.

Naturally, conditioned to the constant abuse, Taylor assumed that the marriage was going to reconcile, and it was time for that portion of the cycle to restart.

Shortly after the news of the pregnancy Taylor was contacted by his partner’s now ex-boyfriend and informed that he was positive the baby was in fact his and he wanted a DNA test performed on the baby, in utero.

The DNA test was performed, and Taylor was not the father of this child.

So, the scheme to convince Taylor the product of this extramarital affair was in fact his failed. That didn’t stop his partner and it didn’t stop the cycle.

He endured months more of psychological abuse, being alienated from his children and his bank account being sucked dry by the constant need of his partner for money.

He caved and once again the marriage was reconciled.

Yes, we’re up to near five reconciliations at this point.

Taylor had met at least two good girls that would have made excellent long-term girlfriends, eventually wives and stepmothers, at this point. And he ruined each and every one of these relationships by participating in this cycle and abuse he was trapped in. (This point will be very important when it comes to part two of his story.)

Taylor was convinced that the biological father of the new baby was going to be cut out of the picture, and he would assume responsibility of the child. He was even promised that he was going to be allowed on the birth certificate and it would be like it never happened.

But that was not the case. Why? Because this new baby that was coming into Taylor’s life had an excellent biological father, in fact. A man who has been there, stepped up and care and loved for that child since the day it was born.

If there’s anything to say for Taylor’s now ex-partner, two great men were chosen to reproduce with. And I’ll spare you the fluff details and let you know after a few years Taylor and this man became good friends and they co-parented said child better than I’ve ever seen a man and a woman co-parent a child. So good job guys, if either of y'all are ever reading this.

The child was born. Taylor stood on standby while his partner participated in all the normal father and mother hoopla stuff at the hospital with their new baby. He even stood by as they took professional newborn photographs together with the baby.

If your heart hasn’t broken for him by now, then you probably don’t have one. It’s hard for me to write this myself, hence why it’s taken me so long.

And sadly, the cycle continued. Only amplified now. In my opinion, and Taylor’s, his partner had a lot of anger over choices that had been made. This anger was constantly projected on to Taylor. His anger was projected back on to his partner. There weren’t happy days anymore, there wasn’t love. The relationship was existing for the sole purpose of the children and not being able to handle finances on their own.

There was more cheating, lying, money missing and spent without regard to bills or the needs of the children.

While all of this was going on Taylor had taken on the role of a second dad to the new baby in his home. The baby was taught to call him daddy. He was meeting all the financial, physical and emotional needs of the child while in his care. He loved the child as his own and enjoyed watching it grow, like it was his own.

Taylor was called up for another deployment, Afghanistan this time. That’s when he made a conscious decision to sit down with his partner and have a serious talk. They both spoke their peace and he left on the note that the emotional and physical side of the marriage was over, that he was only hanging on so that he could actively be in his children’s lives.

Why would Taylor have this mindset? That the only reason he was able to be in his children’s lives was because he was continuing on the marriage and essentially the financial support of his partner? Because he was already experiencing parental alienation, and he just didn’t realize it.

Taylor never says it, but I know this was his hardest deployment he went on. I believe Taylor really did love his partner, and some part of him did value that marriage certificate they both signed. But he also knew he wasn’t valued and that things were never going to change.

During the tour he was constantly notified by family and friends that his partner was never in possession of their children, his vehicle was repossessed, all of his military pay was being spent at the casino, bars, hair and nail salons and shopping. Bills weren’t getting paid, and most of all he knew his children weren’t being taken care of. He was watching his bank account transactions for thousands of miles away and just hoping whoever was in possession of his children were keeping them safe.

I’m going to stop writing here. Mainly because sitting here writing out the basic details of what’s happened to my husband hurts my heart more than my own story hurts me. This is just a small portion of the alienation and manipulation that have went on over the last twelve years. On Taylor’s end, at this point there is no end in sight as to when this will end.

In part two we will visit the end of Taylor’s marriage and the point in time that we meet and our stories and alienation journey’s merge.

Thank every single one of you for reading and thank you for your constant support. I’m still receiving messages daily, containing love, support and some of the most heartfelt apologies that I have ever got the pleasure of receiving.

Until next time.

Disclaimer: I will not disclose the names of my other children and stepchildren, along with anyone else involved without their permission. Do not send hate, threats or make disparaging comments to anyone involved in my story. My goal is not to cause harm. My goal is clarification and my opportunity to tell my story.

[resilientmama]

The Malicious Mother

Everyone has heard the term “bitter baby mama.”

This is often used to describe women that will go to any lengths to make the lives of their children’s father miserable.

The clinical name for this is Malicious Mother Syndrome.

What’s an accurate description of Malicious Mother Syndrome?

“The divorce-related, malicious mother syndrome -- has been identified in cases in which mothers not only try to alienate their children from their fathers, but are committed to a broadly based campaign to hurt the father directly.

Women with this syndrome interfere chronically with visitation. Though they also engage in serious attempts to alienate the child from the father, they are not always successful.

Some examples of the more extreme behavior observed in such individuals include the following: making one's children sleep in a car to prove that their father has bankrupted them; burning down the house of the ex-husband: making false allegations of sexual abuse; manipulating other people to harass the ex-husband: spreading vicious lies about the ex-husband; trying to get the ex-husband fired from his job.”

In addition. these women are skillful liars, highly manipulative, and quite adept at recruiting others to participate in the campaign against the father.”

Sound familiar?

Chances are we all know someone experiencing an unavoidable “relationship” with a malicious mother.

Control is the main factor associated with this syndrome. The mother has lost the ability to control the marital relationship that’s ended, so the children become pawns to assert control on the father’s live with the children and life outside of the children.

Finances and new romantic relationships often probe Malicious Mother Syndrome to rear its ugly head.

Inability to cope with the reality that they don’t get to partake in the financial security of their ex partner, aside from child support, along with watching their ex flourish in a new, more stable relationship are hard factors for these women to cope with.

So what can they do? Alienate the children, attack the new partner, waste away as much of the father’s income as they can through litigation, medical bills accrued on the children’s behalf and extensive extracurricular activities they demand the father pay for outside of child support, spread as many rumors and lies that they can dream up to harm the father’s reputation.

Often their own story is voiced to anyone who they can get to listen. The father then has to walk around with a tarnished reputation feeling defeated because he is doing the most that he is required to do.

Extra visitation is denied. Severe stipulations are put on the visitation he does receive and as stated above, the mother will tell any lie she can get away with within the court room to secure the father is getting the bare minimum when it comes to what he is seeking in court.

Malicious Mother Syndrome correlates with parental alienation on almost all platforms, as the children aren’t the main focus - revenge is.

Tips for dealing with a malicious mother are very similar to co-parenting with a narcissist. 

Use a black and white method. 

Disengage.

Communicate as little as possible.

Remember that a narcissist projects.

Don’t take to heart any threats, accusations or blatant lies about you.

Don’t ever deviate from the schedule.

Don’t bear the brunt of emotion for your children.

Set hard boundaries.

Pinterest, equal parenting rights forums, your state’s law library and accredited mental health websites are excellent sources for becoming more educated on this syndrome, how it affects children and coping mechanisms for making it through your journey with a woman affected by this.

I have been a victim caught in the cross fire of this syndrome. When its said the mother will stop at no length, its not a joke. I’ve had an outside party throw themselves into my own court proceedings just to secure there was some kind of blow to throw at my own husband during his court hearings - to which he had to suffer a ludicrous repercussion. I really enjoyed having to take a recess during an important and life changing hearing for myself, so the opposing counsel’s attorney could take a phone call from the party voicing their side of the story. A story that had nothing to do with my hearing or the lives of my own children. 

I’m going to leave this post open-ended as it will relate to my next two posts about my sweet husband’s journey and the alienation of him from his two children.

Happy reading yall. Stay positive and I hope you’re having a good start to 2020. I know we are!

[resilientmama]

ma·li·cious adj. characterized by malice; intending or intended to do harm

Oxford Dictionary 

[resilientmama]

#honesty #truth 

[resilientmama]

Coping

Obviously I did not stick to my intended schedule. 

I got sick, Taylor has been sick, I started remodeling a bedroom in our home and I’ve been dealing with some emotional issues.

The deployment blues have been real. Thankfully we’ve gotten to see him at least once a week, but that is not nearly enough compared to the amount of time we’re going to be missing him in our home.

The amount of support I’ve gotten, publicly and privately, has been amazing. 

I appreciate everyone who’s reached out to me, especially those that have extended an apology for believing the slander without a backstory.

Veering back to my topic, coping.

My most asked question is how I possibly do this, day in and day out. Even though court has stopped for awhile and things are moderately calm, the alienation and aftermath of it are still with me and my husband every single day.

I think for the first six months I didn’t cope with anything. I just ignored it.

I gave birth to my son, Logan, almost exactly a month after my last court date. I just threw myself into being a new mom. I struggled with postpartum depression. And then that never went away. Finally I explained the last two years events to my psychiatrist and it was obvious no depression was caused from birthing my child. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I know some people are going to say stating my medical diagnosis is idiotic. But its really not. Mental health is important. Its not something anyone should be ashamed for discussing or advocating for. 

I was abused, am still experiencing a long term abuse I don’t have control over, and I think everyone should be educated about it.

Everyone hears PTSD and associates it with current or former service members. But often victims of physical, emotional and sexual violence are who are affected by this disorder.

I do take medication for this, and it helps. I do have bad days. I have sad days. But talking about why I feel this way has helped me the most. 

What is PTSD like for me? 

Its fixation. One small thing could go bad in my day, like waking up late or forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer from the night before and I started beating myself up. This internal emotional abuse lead to fixation. I fixated on everything that’s happened, events that started in 2011 all the way to things that happened in 2018. The fixation was debilitating. I wouldn’t leave my house. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s phone calls. Taylor works out of state a majority of the time, and often we’re on opposite schedules. So the days I couldn’t talk to him, I would talk to no one. I found solace in revolving my life around Paxton and Logan. Thanks to the Life360 app it had been pointed out to me that sometimes I was going 5-6 days without even leaving my house. I had became a shell of a person. I was struggling in my college classes, sometimes dropping them for lack of motivation to even participate in online forums that were required. I hid from everyone.

I made myself sick.

I was either stone faced and silent, or viscous and hateful.

Then I saw a quote posted on Facebook. 

“Don’t judge others because they sin differently than you. God won’t be asking you about their sins, he’ll be asking about yours.”

I am by no means a religious person, but this quote spoke to my heart.

So I decided to make a change. I started talking. I refused to even say my alienated children’s names for the longest time. We removed all of their photos from our home, I cleaned out their room. I mourned my children like they had passed away. But I stepped away from my grief and started focusing on the good memories I had and the hope for a brighter future for all of us. 

I woke up one day with a different state of mind. I took baby steps. I started speaking more positively about myself and others. I didn’t wince when someone brought my children up to me in conversation. I started being friendly to everyone instead of shying away from even being acknowledged by anyone other than family and friends. 

I’ve been working diligently at this behavior for a few months now. And I can honestly say this is the closest to happiness that I have felt since the allegations started two years ago.

So what was the key to me coping? Not hiding anymore.

I started writing rough drafts for blog entries. I didn’t have the courage to publish them, but it was a start. 

When I got to the mental state that I felt all around healthy, I took this plunge. 

In my opinion, its one of the better decisions I’ve made.

I’ve hurt a lot of people during my grieving process. And I’m hoping those people see the things I write and maybe gain some insight as to why I treated them the way I did. I’m not seeking forgiveness via a public internet forum. The people I need are actively participating in my life, but maybe it will help the people who were active understand where things went wrong.

Just because I have made the conscious decision to change my state of mind from negative to positive does not mean I expect anyone else to follow suit. 

The reality of that not being possible has been shown to me, as recently as yesterday.

And this is my peace I have to speak on the matter.

I do not expect someone with their own issues and internal hurt within their heart to respect me for finally finding my voice. I don’t experience the individual day to day struggles that anyone reading my blog experiences. I didn’t believe life would turn to rainbows and butterflies the day I hit share on my Facebook. I do expect adult behavior. I expect to be able to share my story, share my healing and the things I am advocating for without being made fun of. If we focused more on improving our own lives and mental health, along with our children, we wouldn’t be swimming in this constant sea of toxicity. And not for one minute do I appreciate being made fun of on social media for doing something constructive and positive with myself after I was beat down by the same three individuals for two years straight. And if you have been a victim of parental alienation yourself, shame on you for participating in shaming the advocacy and awareness of something that does affect you daily. Things that happen in the dark will always be brought to the light. If the truth being told is an issue for anyone, don’t be a participant in immoral actions and you won’t feel the humiliation and guilt by association. Forgiveness is always an option, but you have to give to receive.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this. Watch for another post tonight on the subject of Malicious Mother Syndrome. And after many inquiries, I will begin telling you Taylor’s story next week. It’s going to take two posts yall!

Be positive, be happy, be loving.

WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF RESPECT AND BEING GENUINELY HAPPY.

[resilientmama]

[resilientmama]

The Video...

A majority of people from my community have seen what I call “The Video.”

To start I would like to say, yes I am embarrassed by the way I acted in said video. I no longer think its posted on the original forum used to showcase my true act of showing my ass for lack of a better term. But many people did view it while it was up. I don’t really need to apologize to anyone for said behavior besides my children and probably my parents. 

Let me remind you that I’m an adult and ultimately its my choice to act as I please. But I am regretful for losing my composure.

Mind you I was also seven months pregnant with Paxton when this occurred and working over forty hours a week because I hadn’t received child support or DHS assistance in close to eight months. I couldn’t get the assistance I need with my children from their other parent: child support, daycare assistance or even simply following a set custody schedule. I was fed up with co-parenting with someone who was not my children’s other parent, but an immediate family member enlisted to clean up their mess.

I cussed, yelled and flipped the middle finger gesture. Main points made to highlight my “character” in the court room. 

I had fell victim to reactive abuse.

What is reactive abuse?

“Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.

Abusers rely on this “reactive abuse” because it is their “proof” that the victim is unstable and mentally ill. The abuser will hold these reactions against the victims indefinitely. It could be years later and the abuser will say, “Well, back in (whatever year), you had this reaction and acted all crazy. You’re the crazy one! You need help.”

Sometimes abusers use this reaction as an excuse to go to police or even file for protective orders of their own.

To manipulate is to unfairly influence a situation. When an abuser claims they are the ones being abused, they are manipulating us into believing we are at fault for the abuse. The abusers are conditioning and manipulating us to accept the blame. The longer this blame shifting goes on, the longer we will believe we are to blame for the reactive outbursts and abuse that the abuser is dishing out. We will begin to believe we are the violent and unstable ones.

This manipulation can even go so far as to cause us to feel shame. When we react, it causes the abuser to claim we are the abusive ones. But these reactions also add a second element to the mix – they cause us to feel bad about ourselves to the point of guilt and shame. We act against what we know to be true about ourselves – that we are good, kind, capable, loving people. But that goes out the window when we experience the guilt and shame more and more. The guilt and shame that the abusers continue to condition us to feel.”

This is a tactic you will see used repeatedly during ongoing Parental Alienation. You reach your breaking point, lash out and then it is used against you for the advantage of the other parent.

Okay so you’re thinking, just keep your mouth shut and everything will be okay, right? WRONG. You will be pushed to these said breaking points or you will suffer in other ways from the wide variety of other tactics.

Single mothers with low income and a small or non-existent support system are the best victims for this. You can’t afford the attorneys fees, you look like a bad mother because you spend long hours at work, your kids don’t have all the amenities of having a wealthy father with a wealthy family.

All I hear is FATHER’S RIGHTS. Where are the mother’s rights?

Pay attention to the signs. If you truly absorb all that is going on around you, PA is very detectable. If I knew then what I know now...I might not be writing this blog to try to bring awareness. 

PA doesn’t only happen to women. I’m by no means trying to down fathers. I will speak on my husband’s own alienation from his children in future posts. 

You read that right, two people that are married to one another being alienated from all their children besides the ones that they share together.

Does that smell fishy to you? More on the injustice of our court system to come.

Happy reading yall! Love your babies a little extra harder today for me. And always be self aware.

One of the greatest sources for information on Reactive Abuse and other abuse tactics can be found here: https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

And thank you to Mckenna for being adamant about me discussing this. She is even approached about said video to this day. Apparently flipping the bird means you’re crazy and an unfit mother. Laugh with me now.

[resilientmama]

As promised, here is the link for “The List” published by members of the Father’s Rights Movement. 

I fell victim to one or more of the exact tactics that this manual describes. My next post will detail this event.

[resilientmama]

[resilientmama]

Continuing the manipulation...

Manipulation and deception go hand in hand.

Sometimes manipulation doesn’t have to involve a lie or false information.

BUT...let’s be honest, most of the time it solely centers around a lie to achieve the outcome that you want. A lesson I have learned oh so well.

Picking up where I left off. I was told that I was now being accused of molesting my children and there was a temporary VPO filed against me in civil court.

Que the panic of a lifetime. 

I had already temporarily lost contact with my children once. And I was going to be damned if it happened again. But I was helpless. The VPO was filed in another state. I had no idea where to start.

Mind you the month before this all occurred I had already been cut off from my children. As soon as the news of my pregnancy broke, radio silence when I tried to communicate with them. The excuses were many as to why. 

Why I was never confronted about the abuse, your question is as good as mine. 

Seems to me that the recourse of approaching myself like an adult was not something that wanted to be dealt with, so lets hide behind police officers and DHS workers.

So I was a sitting duck.

Finally detectives approached me. I went in for questioning and never heard back from them.

I was reassured by the officer who took on my case that he was going to thoroughly investigate all aspects of my case, including the people making the allegations and their past.

Key factor right here. Remember in my previous post were I mildly touched on the kind of people who alienate children from their other parent? 

Now is the time to tell you I am a domestic violence victim. 

I don’t care what charges have been expunged thanks to deferred sentencing completion. I still posses the police reports, court paperwork, evidence photos and a color copy of the book in sheet from the county jail.

IT HAPPENED.

Throw in the domestic violence and a hefty back child support balance and BINGO! You have it right there.

Refer back to the Father’s Rights Movement step by step manual.

This officer questioned me not only about sexual allegations, physical abuse allegations, previous DHS findings and anything else pertaining to me. He asked me questions about things he apparently already had a record of.

I left that office feeling at peace.

Two weeks later I picked up my paperwork from the DA’s office. They declined to press any charges due to lack of evidence and belief of false reporting.

FALSE REPORTING? Isn’t that a crime?

It is. And I’ve been counseled on my rights and options I have on pressing charges.

Did I? No. Why? Because I’ve never been out for blood. Why would I want to harm my children’s other parent? The one with whom they primarily reside with. Me pressing charges would in turn complicate their lives anymore.

Fast forward to many temporary hearing orders, in another state. It was granted to be moved to the state of the residing parties since my children had lived there for longer than six months. 

VPO thrown out, temporary put back on, repeat that for months and months until the final hearing.

At this final hearing the judge really made a mockery of the justice system.  

The original VPO was requested upon allegations of sexual abuse. The final VPO was granted under the pretenses that I had once resided in a home with a man, my ex partner, that had been substantiated against for physical abuse against my children. A man whom I hadn’t lived with for approximately two years. The judge expressed worry that my now husband may or may not abuse my children. I was ordered a psychological evaluation with a doctor of the other party’s choosing, supervised visits every other weekend with a supervisor of their choosing and therapy with a psychiatrist of their choosing. These supervised visits would have to be done in their home state. This psychiatrist they chose was not covered by my insurance. I was also ordered to pay close to $20,000 of the other party’s legal fees.

I had spent close to $40,000 on this simple VPO myself. I was also eight months pregnant at this court date; unemployed and a stay at home mother to a two year old boy with no intention to become employed anytime soon.

I was papered as some attorneys call it. 

You’re intentionally bogged down with attorneys fees and other expenses to the point that you have to give up.

I never wanted to give up on my children.

I haven’t given up on my children. I just refuse to play their game.

So this is how I came to the point of complete and utter alienation.

I walked away from this with no criminal charges pertaining to my children. 

I am not a child molester. I am not a pedophile. I am not a child abuser.

And any single one of you out there saying those things about me, or anyone else for that matter without actual legal documentation - YOU ARE COMMITTING SLANDER, a crime that is punishable in CRIMINAL court. All it takes is documentation that you have uttered those statements in order to defile a person’s reputation.

This has just been the basic outline of my story. I intend to write more about the subject of parental alienation, malicious mother syndrome, narcissistic parenting, false allegations, abuse of the court system and how we can all work together to be more aware of the signs and how to avoid this determinant that ultimately harms the children more than the parents.

I will get into how its affected my day to day life and more details as I go. And how the man who is the only person actually “proven” to have done anything to my children is out walking the streets free as a bird.

My children are the light of my life. I’m lucky enough that this hasn’t seeped into the lives of my sons whom I get to spend all of my days with. I spend every day just hoping that all six know the love that I have for them. 

I’m at peace with the people who have aided in doing this to me. I’m doing this for me. I want my voice to be heard. And if I can help one person out there that’s going through this, or even someone that is committing PA and doesn’t realize the mistake they’re making - then I’ve done something right with my voice.

Thank you for your time. I hope you continue reading my story and that I’m not too all over the place to follow.

Disclaimer: I will not disclose the names of my other children and stepchildren, along with anyone else involved without their permission. Do not send hate, threats or make disparaging comments to anyone involved in my story. My goal is not to cause harm. My goal is clarification and my opportunity to tell my story.

[resilientmama]

ma·nip·u·la·tion noun 1. the action of manipulating something in a skillful manner. 2. the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way.

Oxford Dictionary