retrogrim-blog

[retrogrim-blog]

venting about self esteem issues lol

At the moment I feel hideous, I open the camera and see someone who looks like the most unconventional teenage girl I’ve ever seen. I see no features in my face that would even be considered attractive, everything about my appearance can be better. And I don’t know how to shake this feeling off, I so badly want to be able to go a day in my life without consistently reapplying makeup or worrying if anyone can see my side profile. My obsession with appearance is rooted in social media. Every single time I scroll through my feed I see another gorgeous model, Kendall or Bella, or a skinny effortlessly beautiful girl. I crave so badly to be these women, but I know I never will be. To be honest, I don’t even know what I look like, if I had to describe myself to anyone all I could say would be tall, brown hair and brown eyes. These are the only qualities that are undeniably true, everything else is sort of perceived subjectively. I look everywhere, I look on social media, I take even a glimpse of the television and BAM; another reason to analyse the shit out of myself and compare every flaw of mine to these beautiful women. I know a lot of teenage girls feel this way, and that’s quite an obvious sentiment to the majority. Yet I see no methods, no advice, no anything to help accommodate this feeling. I find almost no comfort when looking for a response to these concerns. It either always comes down to acceptance or surgery. But I can’t accept it, it’s almost like it will always feed through me until I inevitably die or kill myself. It is not like obsessing with my appearance has gotten me anywhere either. One singular 5 second kiss with a stranger, in all my 17 years.

Anyway, I write this because I need to clear my conscious of these poisonous fucking thoughts.

I hope someday I will come to terms with these things, I really do, until then I guess I will stare and cry.