revelution

[revelution]

some time

it has been a while once again. my desire to write has been used elsewhere, and thus this digital journal has remained unused: i keep track of my thoughts in a different diary, while I also answer questions about my past in a different journaling solution.

however, just sometimes, i remember the original reason I started this page. i wanted to be invisible. i wanted to let it all out with no repercussions. i wanted to breathe.

things have changed quite a lot. some things in a way I never thought possible.

still, we have all grown and changed for the better I think. everything we have all gone through... at the end of the day, it was worth it. we are all better because of it.

i live with a sense of normalcy and calmness. i enjoy it.

[revelution]

longing

its been a couple of months already, and as much fun and love i have received so far, there is, of course, a feeling of longing,

due to the current situation, many of the things i thought i would be able to do here, have not been possible. forming new friendships is one of them.

it's hard, really. growing up, you are obliged to meet new people, whether it be at school or at a part-time job, doing a university project, or going to a friend's party. however, once you get older and things start settling in, and mostly if you move out to a whole different continent in which not only you have a cultural barrier, but also a language barrier and most definitely an age and situational barrier to most people around you... yeah, its hard.

and so of course, you start longing for the things you had that, even if you never took for granted, you can still see from afar and remember how things used to be, and how much you'd like to be surrounded by your loved ones just once in a while.

alas, things are not always perfect in every aspect - i am very much content with the perfectness of all other aspects of my journey, though.

[revelution]

taking a leap of faith

i did it.

i am now somewhere completely different from where i was before. i honestly am amazed at how fast it was.

just one month ago we were still thinking and dreaming about this, but suddenly, i am here.

its exciting to think of all other things we must do, but so far, i am enjoying finally starting this chapter of my life.

[revelution]

stress

these past weeks (months?) have truly been something else.

i do feel present, but there is also the feeling of nostalgia i guess? i am not trying to be too optimistic, because you never know what can happen, but still... cant brush off the feeling that i may be doing many things for the last time here.

i think i am almost 100% sure of wanting to just go next week so i can have my answer already. it is completely nerve-wracking, but its something that has to be done. i want to live the life I've been waiting on for these past two years already.

i have no regrets on what I've done so far, and i feel i have mentally and emotionally grown anyways, but still, i want to go already. i want to feel as if my life isn't just about waiting for something to happen.

so hopefully, this week i will fully decide on going next week, and then...

well, we'll see, right?

[revelution]

friends?

jealousy can be such a funny little thing. sometimes, even confusing.

i always thought i could be very aware of my thoughts and feelings, so when i would catch myself feeling some sort of jealousy towards others, i tried to understand where those feelings were coming from and what i could do to deal with them.

lately, ive been ignoring them after their initial burst - i feel them strongly for a bit and then, they just go away.

but then it is also quite funny... when you find out that same cause of your jealousy is now doing things very similarly to you. as if they were, at some point, jealous.

imitation truly is the greatest form of flattery. however, it is still unfortunately bothersome.

will i do anything about it? not really.

since i started seeing those sprouts of jealousy come up more and more, i decided the best thing for me to do would be to step away from the cause of it. its not their fault: this is on me - i am not benefitting from this situation in any way and, even if it is painful that things are not the way they were before, life goes on.

or at least it will for me.

[revelution]

thinking ahead

sometimes it can be a little hard to stay present, if there are a lot of things you wish to do in the future.

the thought of it consumes you, and gives you a reason to continue, but doesn't that make you lose sight of what's in front of you? sometimes, it can feel that way.

i wonder if, by planning ahead, am i not missing out on life?

sometimes, the worlds inside my head consumes me, and i wonder if i lose track of what's real and what's not... what's attainable and what's purely a long lost wish.

[revelution]

start

testing this out. it really has been a long time. we shall see how this goes.

one day i will be able to look back to all this and find it funny. now, just a way to vent.