rewoundreviews
RewoundReviews
Reflections on the VHS videos I watch working out in my basement home gym
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Rewound Review #447: Heathers
When a mysterious newcomer shows up at Westerburg High, popular kids start meeting dismal fates.
I knew I wanted to watch a Shannen Doherty movie in honor of her passing & by golly am I glad I picked this one. It had been quite some time since I last watched Heathers so everything felt especially fresh & fun. I had forgotten just how quickly the dark dark humor begins what with the opening scene involving croquet mallets to the skull... The situations & subject matter may be bleak throughout but to me it never feels disturbing or rough because the comedy is just so well written & performed. The cast is phenomenal - Winona Ryder & Christian Slater were born to play Veronica & J.D., the parents are all incredible & the Heathers are each amazing in their own special way. I may be biased but Shannen's Heather Duke is particularly perfect with her snappy line delivery & flawless snark. Speaking of lines, this may be one of the most quotable movies of all time but since 90% of those lines are too racy for me to repeat here, I'll leave you with a G rated one that made me lol - 'I don't patronize bunnies!'
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Rewound Review #446: Richard Simmons - Dance Your Pants Off
An aerobic concert to dance along to.
After the sad, sad news of Richard Simmons ' passing last weekend, I was inspired to pull out a tape from my collection & dance through the sadness as I know he'd want me to. I chose Dance Your Pants Off for the 50 min length as well as the bumpin' soundtrack & it was a fine choice! The moves (including 'Find the Rainbow', 'Wash the Windows', 'Hug Yourself' & 'Bat Wings' which featured a nondescript chirp meant to mimic the winged creature) were actually easier to follow along with than some other of Richard tapes I've done & he was a little less screechy than he often was so I wonder if he'd hit a kind of mid 90s stride at this point in the evolution of the workout VHS he put out... Don't get me wrong though, this tape is every bit as energetic & fun as any other of his I have done. Some highlights for me: the diversity of the dancers (both professional & non), the 'Don't Quit' chant was catchy & helpful, the new moves I'll have next time someone sings Total Eclipse of the Heart karaoke, the opportunity to do an air saxophone, Richard requesting I come with him to 'Salsa Palace' & the cool down to 'The Rose' (sung by the author Amanda McBroom) at the end of which your hands come to rest in a V formation at your chin thus making your head the titular rose. All told, a very solid installment of the Simmons collection. RIP Richard. You will be sorely missed.
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Rewound Review #444: The Room
An unsuspecting man is betrayed by his fiancée & his best friend.
The number 444 is a pretty cool number so for this review I figured I should pick something pretty special & by golly it doesn't get much specialer than The Room. Sometimes deemed the worst movie ever made, I say that is only the case if you're judging the writing, direction, production & acting. If you're judging solely on the slow panning shots of the Golden Gate bridge that go to the left AND to the right, it's not that bad. So many before me have extolled the virtues of this baffling cinematic wonder (to the extent that there is an entire mockumentary devoted to the making of it) it's hard to contemplate what to add. Aside from the unfathomably numerous & extensive catch football scenes, the outstandingly inappropriate friendships & the horrifying gratuitous butt thrusts that appear impossibly far from hitting their mark, I find the most remarkable thing about this movie to be the conversations, or rather the impression I was left with that Tommy Wisseau has never had nor heard a natural conversation in his life. The exchanges are so unpredictable - at times stunted, pausing in unlikely spots, at other times so choppy & fast they leave your head spinning. The fact that 'Oh hey' is used at the beginning of nearly every interaction (even one involving a dog) yet is literally never necessary & often totally misused delights me & makes me want to interject those precious 2 words at the start of every greeting I make. It may be one of the worst movies ever made but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go home & watch The Room immediately.
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Rewound Review #443: Blacktop
A woman on the outs with her boyfriend accepts a ride from a serial killer trucker.
I would say 'spoiler' before that synopsis but the back of this cover literally tells you Meat Loaf is a serial killer so I figured no harm, no foul. I love a good thriller & obviously I bought this because Meat Loaf is in it but unfortunately any one of his music videos could be considered more cinematically appealing than this film. The story is predictable, the acting unconvincing & the soundtrack features zero epic love ballad bangers. There are a few entertaining items like unironic vinyl pants, 2 massive cell phones & the confusing yet kind of awesome line 'It's time to get a new belt buckle!' but frankly, the most thrilling part about Blacktop was learning that Meat Loaf's last name is Aday.
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Rewound Review #442: Bruce Willis: The Return of Bruno
A mockumentary detailing the career of the wildly popular musician Bruno.
I remembered hearing back in the day that this was a Bruce Willis losing his mind & trying to also be a rockstar situation with the bizarre dissassociative qualities of Garth Brooks' Chris Gaines moment so for the first half of the tape, I was pleasantly surprised by the well written & performed farce teeming with stars & thought I'd misjudged Willis' intentions. Then the second half of the tape happened & the descriptions I had heard in the past were proven true. I actually got to kind of like the (original?) song 'Comin' Right Up' after hearing it repeatedly but the rest of Bruce's concert where he runs around mimicking the far superior Bruce in wacky outfits was only tolerable because it gave me the chance to use my noisy treadmill since I had no fear of missing out on audio of value. This appears to be the product of a strange, delusional period in Willis' life but I am really glad the first 30 minutes of the tape exists. The best parts for me: Phil Collins talking about acid, the Bee Gees' inspirational hair & Michael J Fox declaring himself a Brunophile with lots of Brunobilia.
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Rewound Review #441: Ticker
A detective teams up with the bomb squad to hunt down a dangerous bomber.
(Actually written a few weeks ago.) I sort of blindly grabbed this tape to watch & somehow the title didn't compute so, much to my displeasure, since I JUST watched Passenger 57, I ended up watching two Tom Sizemore movies involving bombers nearly back to back. I love action films but the similarities were a bit tedious, although I'd say this movie was significantly worse (& thus more entertaining) than the other. Some cheesy features of note: multiple offhand references to the movie title, 'You da bomb baby' occupational joke, a barbed wire neck beard tattoo, 3 bad guys trying to look inconspicuous by wearing floor length leather dusters simultaneously & one of the least heart wrenching loved one's death flashbacks I've ever seen (his dearly departed kid looked so obnoxious from the silent clip I was stoked he wasn't actually in the film). The acting was kind of all over the place: Chilli was ok, Nas was terrible & died right away but Ice-T was a welcome surprise with a tiny cameo at the end. Tom Sizemore did a pretty good job considering he had to act opposite Steven Seagal's gross fluffy ponytail & worst of all was Dennis Hopper whose 'Irish' accent may have been the reason he was demoted from top billing on this tape cover.
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Rewound Review #440: Deliver Us From Eva
The significant others of 3 sisters devise a plan to get rid of the 4th.
I'm not huge on the RomCom genre but I have to say I got a kick out of this one. James Todd Smith aka LL Cool J (as they list him in the credits) is not a great actor but he holds his own (part of my problem with his performance was that it felt like he was reciting an endless romantic slow song since he's supposed to be a player & it comes off as super cheesy to me). The supporting cast is pretty great (especially the salon stylist with his rad Men at Work shirt) but what really made the movie for me was Gabrielle Union. She delivers her complex, often long winded lines with expert precision when her character is being bitchy & transitions to goofy likability with masterful comedic timing & hilarious facial expressions. Everyone knows how romantic comedies work so I don't need to go over the plot but I will say (spoiler) this one takes a rather fun dark turn before ending on a disappointingly happy note. All told, I smiled through approximately 85% of this film so that's not bad in my book.
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Rewound Review #439: Passenger 57
A terrorism response trainer finds himself on a plane with a notorious bomber.
This movie was ok but I wasn't especially impressed. It followed the action movie formula very closely - good guy with troubled past, bad guy with tortured past, hostages & goons, stand off with police, dramatic fighting, (spoiler) hero walking off with love interest at the end. It was like Con Air light, with none of the clever banter or cheesy one liners movies like that excel at. There was one rushed feeling scene where they tried to cram a bunch of 'witty' lines in all at once but it fell flat. In fact I was surprised that they utilized the only quality zinger 'Always bet on Black' a mere 45 minutes into the film & couldn't come up with anything better than 'Damn Skippy' at the end. I do love Wesley Snipes though & he was fun to watch even in his unfortunate turtleneck outfit.
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Rewound Review #438: Breakin'
A jazz dancer trying to make it big teams up with two talented street dancers.
Man alive, Breakin' was a fantastic fun watch! I couldn't tear my eyes away from such delights as dance circles around a rainbow boom box, incredible outfits featuring parachute pants, excess zippers & pink checkered half shirts, two training montages (one featuring awkward crotch close ups, the other showcasing Christopher McDonald's excellent phone call making skills), tear away tuxedo costumes & a glorious dance off set to the hip stylings of baby Ice-T. I've been recovering from an ailment so my workout options are very limited & I found Breakin' to be the perfect movie to watch since I could just pretend to be an audience member clapping & side stepping along (not the most intensive workout but it got my heart rate up). Sometimes I'd also unsuccessfully attempt to mimic a pop & lock move but, for the most part, I was more than happy to simply revel in the immense talent onscreen.
Totally random coincidence: Michael 'Boogaloo Shrimp' Chambers who played Turbo is also known for his role as Good Robot Bill in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey!
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Rewound Review #437: Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
A much less excellent time with Bill & Ted.
My friend Adri & I throw a costume party every year for our birthdays & this year's dress up theme was time travel. There ended up being a whole slew of Bill & Ted's characters (I was one of the Supreme Beings myself) so I thought it'd be fun to watch this movie in the aftermath of good party times. It's so strange how memory works because I could have sworn I liked this movie when I first watched it & perhaps even defended it to some haters. Then I watch it again & can't imagine I would ever be on any side but hater. Either way, I wholeheartedly dislike it now. The story is boring, the jokes range from juvenile to offensive & the screen time that should be occupied by George Carlin is instead given to a dumb alien that rivals Jar Jar Binks in annoyingness. The only part that made me smile was the board game competition with Death but even that became tiresome the longer it stretched out. With all the impressive names on the soundtrack, you'd think that would be a saving grace but no such luck. Really, the only bright spot for me was Pam Grier's tiny cameo. Overall, bogus indeed.
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Rewound Review(s) #435 & 436: F/X & FX2
A talented special effects artist & sleazy but clever cop are good at solving crimes & getting away with stuff.
My friend recently gifted me FX2 & the very next day a different friend found me the original F/X so I took that as a sign to watch both immediately! They were pretty solid & entertaining but I wondered if each warranted their own full length review or if perhaps I should try for the first time a double mashed review of the pair... Here goes for the latter: F/X = somewhat gritty although could afford Huey Lewis for soundtrack, satisfactory amount of Jerry Orbach, stupendous angry police chief, comically bad disguises, charmingly antiquated special effects, weird happy ending. FX2 = somewhat more sophisticated effects although heavily reliant on fog machine & creepy robotic clown costume, stellar amount of saxophone, one excellent montage, disappointing use of grocery store rather than department store as venue for hero/villain stand off, similarly strange ending. Whew! Both a little try hard but still worth a watch if stumbled upon.
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Rewound Review #434: Cutting Class
A discreet murderer picks off students & teachers alike.
Obviously when I laid eyes upon this tape I couldn't resist: that title! That cast! Surely it was destined to become a culty favorite of mine. Sadly, no such luck. I was confused by what it was trying to be - Slasher? Thriller? Comedy? It has elements of all but failed miserably at each. The characters were bizarre: Brad Pitt as a hot headed basketball player, Donovan Leitch as a not-so-subtle stalker, Roddy McDowall as a lecherous principal - none of them seemed comfortable in their roles. Martin Mull gave the best performance by far but he was the misplaced 'comic relief' & was barely in it. Jill Schoelen's line delivery was so dismal it was comic but not in a fun way. Honestly, the only enjoyable person to watch was the resentful janitor who was given such stellar lines as 'I'm the custodian of your f#$*ing destiny!'. I guess I should give this credit for some genuinely disturbing death scenes & the soundtrack has some real bangers but, in the future, I will only be watching this if the company I'm with has the misguided desire to do so.
Happy Thanksgiving y'all! I'm so grateful for all of you!
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Rewound Review #433:
Angela Landsbury's Positive Moves
The legendary actress shares her movement routine & lifestyle tips.
This video has been something of a holy grail for me ever since I was tipped off to its existence so imagine how ecstatic I was to find it at St Vinnies for 99 cents the other day! After my first of what I'm sure will be several viewings, I can honestly say that of the dozens of fitness tapes I own, this is probably the only 'workout' routine I can fathom adhering to long term. Here's the daily practice in a nutshell: swing into action with a mini self massage after your shower, put on a comfortable pastel jumpsuit/onesie with or without a waist scarf, do some warm up stretching followed by some more intense stretching dubbed 'Movements' & finally, commence 'Feeling Free' prancy dances accompanied by juggler/jazz hands. The rest of the video is not formal moves to follow along with but rather footage of Landsbury engaging in the activities recommended for a fit & happy life: walking, cat napping, gardening, sewing, baking bread, bike riding, swimming & taking a special bath (this scene of Angela in a fabulous looking bubble bath talking about how old people still like to get it on is truly a cinematic marvel I feel honored to have witnessed). As glorious as this video is visually, really the best part is the overall message: self love, realistic expectations & a positive outlook.
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Rewound Review #431: Death Spa
Mysterious deaths at a health spa may be the result of a malfunctioning new computer system.
Hot dang is Death Spa ever a winner! It has it all - 80s decor & dancing, over the top outfits, a rockin party you wish you could attend. It also has some of the best, most outrageous ways to die I've seen of this genre : SPOILERS : death by steam, cedar, face squoosh, hand in blender, tanning, strong winds, FROZEN FISH (even that character said WTF concerning their attacker) - such fun variety! Death Spa is pure, unapologetic, ridiculous 80s slasher flick of the highest B caliber & also boasts one of the best rejection one liners I've heard to date : 'I'm Beta, you're VHS.' Zing!
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Rewound Review #430: Candyman
A grad student researching an urban legend summons the hook handed ghost.
This was my first time watching Candyman & although I wouldn't say it's especially spectacular, I have found myself pondering it for days so it was at least thought provoking. At times Tony Todd's ghostly narration felt a little heavy handed with Candyman as a gravelly voiced un-motivational speaker but his bloody hook hand & swarm of bees mouth kept the spook factor pretty high. The acting was ok but I had a hard time separating Vanessa Williams from her character Rhonda in Melrose Place & Virginia Madsen looks so much like a cross between Lori Petty & Gillian Anderson I was thrown off & distracted. The most believable performance in my opinion was given by Kasi Lemmons but I just couldn't get over her old lady name Bernadette. Strangely, after having some time to digest Candyman (haha), I'm less affected by the murders & more irritated that Trevor let his mistress repaint their apartment pale pink & then brought her to his dead wife's funeral.
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Rewound Review #429:
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Freddy Krueger haunts, taunts & kills young patients in a psych ward.
Nightmare is one of my fave scary movie franchises & this is probably my fave installment. Tiny Patricia Arquette, Larry Fishburne, original music by Angelo Badalamenti, title song by Dokken, sparkly angel John Saxon - how can you go wrong?! Some of the effects (like the Freddy skeleton) are a bit hokey but others are legit terrifying - I have to watch the tendon-puppet scene through my fingers it freaks me out so much. I like that they add a little depth with the horrific origin story his nun mom tells but for the most part, it's the goofy gore I love. Perhaps the most memorable Freddy zinger in this one is 'Welcome to prime time, b!+@h' but might I suggest giving the lesser recognized quote from Kincaid 'Stop guessin' & start messin' ' a top billing in the one liner hall of fame.
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Rewound Review #428:
Kingdom of the Spiders
An Arizona farming town is overrun by killer tarantulas.
I put this on cause we went to Rose City Comic Con last weekend & William Shatner seemed like a logical follow up but I didn't even think of how it would also fit the bill for the start of spooky season - how fortuitous! This movie starts off strong with two upsetting scenes right off the bat before we really delve into how gross & manipulative Shatner's character is. Then it continues to deliver a decent amount of creepy action for a film of its time (there's an especially dope bit of old school special effects when a lady shoots half her hand off trying to kill a spider). I'm not much of an arachnophobe myself but there were definitely times when the sheer number of the little buggers was enough to skeez me out. I will warn sensitive viewers out there that innocent spiders were for sure injured in the making of this movie but if that doesn't dissuade you, this is a surprisingly bleak film worth tuning in for.
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