rhizomebae-blog

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Totally totally agreed! Time to the self is how you get into the healthy next zone. So perfectly timed to see this today! 

I don’t know how y’all be jumping from one relationship to another… I couldn’t do it … if we break up …. i need a good 6 months to get my life back together cause in reality i’m not gone be wanting to deal with guys for a good minute. 

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All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.

St. Francis of Assisi (via purplebuddhaproject)

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A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.

Madonna Ciccone 

It might take a long time to figure out how to answer the question authentically. And once you figure it out, once you know, “I want this” then there is a significant chance you are going to have change and life around you will have to change and familiar is going to go and known quantities won’t be there for you anymore your life is going to turn into soup a big messy unfamiliar uncomfortable impossibly awkward soup. because unless the answer to “What do you want” is “life exactly as it is now” then you are going to have to change. and if you are going to have to change, then your whole life is going to be changing with you. The hard part is figuring out what the fuck in fuck you want. The much much harder part, is making the sacrificing having the discipline and doing what you have to do to become what you want. because whatever you want out there is only going to arrive in life by changing your inside self. First have the courage to find out what you want. Then have the courage to live it. Sometimes it will hurt like hell. But sometimes it will feel more extraordinary than you ever imagine and then all of a sudden when you least expect it, you’re going to wake up and realize, you’re living it. Your life is what you want. And when that happens, all the work, the tears, the failures, the detours, the upsets, the freakouts, the fears, the selfdoubts, the setbacks, and even the losses you thought you couldn’t make it past, all of it will suddenly make sense. And you’ll be where you want to be. You’ll be who you want to be. 

#lifeWithoutLimits

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Was there a light? There was not a light. A stop sign. The plain old fashioned kind that nobody ever upgraded. Stop. The window was clear and cold. There was still grass on the ground outside even if it had the threatening look of green turning breakable ice forms under the winter’s cold hand. I’m thinking, I said, I’m thinking about giving up on my dream. He never turned his head. Never looked at me. Oh that one, he said. He said, I think my daughter might have that dream one day. It’s hard to say, he said. It’ll be expensive he said. Probably cost me a fortune. But then, he said, I don’t know that she’d want something big. Probably not too much. And then he was quiet. I had listened when he spoke. Listening for some sign of being heard. None came along. There were no cars coming either. We pulled away from the stop sign. The grass was still green when we drove off. I wondered if it would stay that way until spring. Lying there still against the roadside, pretending that winter was not happening. Pretending that it didn’t have to dissolve to resprout. I’d thought once, that there would be questions. Why are you considering giving up your dream? Is that really the right path for you? But there were no questions. There wasn’t much left to the drive. Back inside the house I bent over the sink and let warm water run into my hands scooping it onto my face so that the tears would dissolve without charging me for salt stains and swollen eyelids. Warm water to wash away the remnants. We talked about it again at the end of winter. I just don’t want that, he said. Not for myself. Not right now. I was sitting outside on the phone then. Noticing that the grass was thin and this time it was the sand not the snow threatening to overtake its efforts to grow. Okay. I said. I accept that. The sky stayed in place. Which surprised me somehow. And it was that simple despite how hard it would be. I watched the grass try to grow all spring and summer. I watched the sky reassure me it was still there. And I opened my heart wildly to the dream I’d almost decided to give up. I accepted the losses and the required walks across desert and tundra to keep moving on. I accepted the agony of radical uncertainty in a life lived with absolute singularity. And I held open and on and into that dream. The one I almost quit. The one I now fed everyday. The one I finally learned, to never let go of again. 

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The After Lens. 

All is a matter of saturation and hue. So you will see cool blue. So you will see fierce red. So you will see supple yellow. So you will see the cold given. So you will see the brutality given. So you will see the supple sand and call it time. 

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Clarity is Freedom

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10 seconds human body doodle ii. (i.) //  ig - @yizdan

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see you in a few days it was good dates, i really dig you do you dig me too dates, i might not call again after this dates, i’ll keep your number for another season dates, how many cups of coffee do i have to drink before i can fuck you dates, this is kind of neat dates, you’re modestly interesting and i can deal with you for  abc weeks dates, walk in the xqz dates, while i’m bored you’ll do dates, wow i’m floored you’re amazing dates, might want more dates, let’s see some more dates, leave early dates, see you in a few months dates, i’ll be back in this state next when dates, let’s be really good friends instead dates that turn into years, do you want to go to the 123 dates, let’s try this position dates, let’s date again dates, let’s not date again dates, let’s see each other tomorrow dates, how many times can i fuck you in a nite dates, i’m definitely not sleeping over dates, i’m sleeping over dates, a few weeks of dating dates. 

oh that? meh. no big deal. it isn’t even real. just.

dates. file under: shit on the “doing list” that your ex fills out while you are about some self healing. Stay with you boo boo. Some people wanna mess up a relationship with you and then be on dates hotter than a half a second after breakin your heart. But that ain’t your never mind. Just go and be about gettin yo’ head right and your heart right and your future self happy bout who you being into becoming. Cuz in case you don’t notice not a single thing on that date list your ex is running actually says “happy fulfilled and ready for commitment” hello. 

#clarity 

A bowling date, a museum date, a zoo date, a park date, an “eat all our favorite foods” in one day date, a “let’s go to the mall buy some clothes and hit up a lounge later” date, let’s chill and play video games date, we “can cook a meal together and kiss and make out” date.

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Do No Harm

Rule #1

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And We Are Without and In Being

The world is pulling the world is pulling the world is moving falling devastating itself apart. And we rise. We do. We live on. We do. Only 

if I could ask you back if I could

have you back if I could make you

come back

just to 

talk a minute a moment a turn about time i want to

tell you how much i 

miss you i want to tell you how 

much i love you

i want to

hold your hand

you were my only one my

sacred mother

my beginning sound

the center of a day and a life

and here where the 

world is slamming apart on repetitions of violences radical brutalities where

safe is not a space anywhere to find i am crushing apart

in the losses of dignity of humanity of reason of balance 

i am crushing apart

in the loss of you and the loss of now and the loss of precious compassion for all there could be 

so much greater than this that they are makign what i am helplessly watching i am with the ones who

cry to sleep wondering how it will be and how to make way and how to keep on feeding myself 

hope even here

where it is so brutally quiet even here where i am so brutally 

alone even here

where you are gone and forever is in your reach but entirely beyond

mine

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Hang in there, even when it seems like your efforts fail a million billion times. As I work these days to transform certain personal practices that greatly distress me, I find myself constantly confronted with that feeling of “Damnit failed the test again.” Failing tests. Flunking class. And still I have to keep trying. I have to keep trying to be a better person. I have to not give up on myself no matter how many times I fail in achieving the values I hold sacred. I have to remember that this is me and me in this thing, needing and wanting the right path forward. When I was trying to quit alcohol I failed so the fuck many times. Oh my jesus how I failed. Big epic catastrophic awful terrible failures. And not only that, everybody around me quit on me. Even my sponsor quit on me. Everybody everybody walked out on me when I was drinking and I couldn’t handle the drink. And a lot of times i hated the shit out of life and myself and the whole bloody awful process. and now here i am sober. super sober. because i didn’t quit on myself. i have this unbelievably high standard of who and how i want to be. i really do. and i am going to keep that. i am. but i have to be loving to myself to. and i have to accept all the consequences too. maybe as i fuck up and flail and fail maybe people will quit on me now like they did when i drank. who knows. but i can’t quit on myself. i got sober because i stopped beating myself up and stopped beating myself down and i stopped living in a land called shameVille and I started living in validation taht at least i was even trying. and that is what i have to do again right now. validate that at least i am trying. and i may not want to stay with the whoa dislike this stuff of practices in what i’m looking at right now. but i’m still better than i used to be. and i am going to keep trying. because i have like six more decades to get into it. i do. so keep trying. don’t hate yourself. don’t beat up on yourself. just set the navigator and try no matter how many times you gotta get up you are not out till you stop getting up so keep getting up. you can do that. i can do that. i’m gonna keep doing that. 

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Be silent or let thy words be worth more than silence.

Pythagoras