riannazabalaa

[riannazabalaa]

A Floor for Comfort

Restrooms are a place for maintaining one’s personal hygiene, not for crying out my little weary and tired heart. “Rianna Mariel Zabala, Rank 1” was something I always wished to hear, not to actually earn the title but to feel as if my name actually meant something rather than just ‘another honor student’. And when another revelation day came and the same name kept popping up for first place, the last cubicle of the girls’ restroom became my place of comfort where I would dramatically slide down the dirty floor and bawl my eyes out while hoping no one could hear me. There would always be a little voice at the back of my head, sounding like she’s trying to fight back tears, that would always wonder when her time would come; I still do wonder everyday. But waiting is a gift, a superpower many have given up on, and it’s something I hope you wouldn’t let go either.

3rd grade was magical. Playing the lead role in “Connie, the Bossy Fairy”, discovering that you could actually sing well without falling flat, and garnering praise while juggling everything behind the scenes were definitely the highlights of that year. It gave me a sense of what I actually wanted to do in life: work in the entertainment industry. It was sad to bring that dream up to anyone I loved years later because it was continuously shot down as the stupidest idea one could ever have, it was even sadder to realize that no one had my back. I had tried manipulating myself into saying that I had potential to be a doctor, an engineer, or anything worth someone’s time. Nearly a decade in being an honor student proved that I did have the grades and the potential for those careers, but the thing I significantly lacked most was the passion to pursue any of them. So as I continued trying to find a possible job option, I still held on to my actual dreams.

I tried. I tried so much that I would discreetly cry in the cubicles around three times a week. I tried pushing myself to enter things I knew I could do to go for what I really wanted in life. But alas, I was rejected more than I could ever remember. The reasons were always the same. It was always because I lacked potential. And that little voice at the back of my head would always murmur, “They don’t even know you! How on earth would they know that?” Because of that, the journey to make myself known would always be cut short by another person getting that opportunity because they simply wanted it. I wanted these chances so much more than anyone could ever want something, the feeling was that strong. I pushed the best of my abilities to achieve them but to no avail, I was another sore loser. I could remember my broken sobs when I wasn’t selected for the national academic competition or an in-school singing contest. Those are just two out of the hundred, thousand, maybe million rejections I have faced. But as others would’ve given up at this point, I still chose to hold on to the unknown path of my dreams even if there isn’t any road. I was still endlessly carving that path for myself.

Restrooms then became bathrooms and college was slyly eyeing me in the corner. My whole 12th grade was just a complete mess of my near adulting phase. There were college applications lying everywhere, especially on the bathroom floor. They were soggy, not because of the faucet water, but because of my endless tears. Many would wonder why I would even cry when there’s so much I could do with what I have but I cried because I felt that there was absolutely nothing for me to do. This was probably the most painful moment I ever had on my grandmother’s bathroom floor where I realized that I had no dream, a practical one that is. I had the strongest envy for aspiring lawyers, doctors, and many of various professions that were considered enough to be called realistic. I was extremely jealous of children whose parents had the financial ability to send them to study abroad, a dream of mine. I was sad because I felt that I’ve burned myself out excessively to only find out that I had been working towards an empty void of nothingness. But the deepest, most secretive parts of me knew that my hurt was never for zero reward. I still held on because I knew that there was something in front of me lurking that I had to keep my grip on to finally see because it’s the bravest thing I could ever do for myself. 

When you’re reading this letter, I hope you’re in the last cubicle of the girls’ restroom where the cleaning supplies lie, sobbing for the very first time in that same spot. I hope that after this you’ll pick yourself up and cover your eyes when you go out. I hope you cancel your plans for the day because you need to take care of yourself and eat a bowl of whatever you have at home that day. I hope that you finally get some sleep, because feeling sad and frustrated is okay. Not being hard on yourself for not getting that opportunity is even better. These are things beyond your control and it takes strength to accept them. All you need to be doing is to keep trying, no one will blame you for doing so.

Right now, I’m still lost but in reality, who isn’t? Don’t worry about your college applications because I already sorted those out and though I’m not a fortune teller, I can assure you that you will be just fine, everything will be alright, and your time will definitely come. When you feel exhausted from being repeatedly in pain, I’ll tell you that to be great is to go through so much more hurt than most people out there; then slowly by slowly, the restroom floor won’t be your comfort anymore. Life is hard but I’ll be the first one to ever say to you that you are here and your dreams will forever be valid; you are valid.

[riannazabalaa]

Rebecca Solnit, Hope in the Dark

[riannazabalaa]

The Dilemma with Online Schooling

Education is crucial in every person’s life as it opens up doors to the vast knowledge and countless opportunities in pursuing one’s dream. With the recent pandemic, COVID has forced schools to shift to online learning. It has been hard to attain the same level of quality face-to-face classes offer, especially with the absence of an actual classroom setting. Speaking from experience as a student, I believe online education sets no boundaries for school life-balance, demands more self-discipline, and requires more workload.

School-life balance has always been heavily encouraged by making enough time for social activities and academics. However, since students have to adjust by bringing their school lives home, the boundary between school and life has slowly been broken. Nowadays, many students have to sacrifice more time to accomplish academic requirements than taking a few hours off to rest. Due to this phenomenon, students risk not putting their well-being first, which affects their relationships and even their school performance. Since they have no direct contact with people besides family, communicating with friends has even gotten harder online, with many prioritizing meeting deadlines. Their academic achievements may decline if they choose to optimize pulling all-nighters and stress eating over healthier study habits. Therefore, online schooling may continue to disrupt this balance over time.

These days, students practice self-discipline in online schooling, especially with communication borders with teachers and peers. Because of constant unavailability, students have become more self-reliant in completing school requirements. Answering their questions rather than asking others has been more common to not bother other people about the work they have to accomplish. They tend to perform everything on their own, which in return may lead to less guidance and poor results. Many students also encounter technological issues, which may hinder them from attending their classes properly. In return, they have to study all the material by themselves. Though self-independence may seem like a good trait to acquire, it may be detrimental in the long run, especially in scenarios where peer-work is needed.

Ever since online schooling began, school hours have adjusted to meet the needs of students. Although it may seem like a win for many, it has resulted in being given more workload. Many of these tasks require more time to accomplish; this issue does not include power interruptions and technical difficulties that may interfere with their study time. Deadlines do not comply with the time given. Many students would choose to delay submitting requirements so they can perfect their work. The workload has gotten increasingly heavier, where students get burned out daily; this leads them to become more unmotivated and exhausted in finishing their duties. Getting a lot of schoolwork is inevitable, but it is substantial that the amounts are reasonable to their current situations.

Having online classes as a means of completing school has its cons. School-life balances have since become irregular, and self-discipline strategies have become heavily favored. Being given more workload is becoming the norm in the online setting. Today, many students struggle with this problem daily, but it is crucial to keep heads high in the pursuit of walking the paths they wish to thread.

[riannazabalaa]

Pride & Prejudice & A Mr. Darcy Stan Account

I have always been a sucker for romance films and books ever since I was young. It had been a habit of mine to watch or read these pieces whenever I felt down or just unlucky in love, though I’m still quite young. Last year, while watching clips of other romance movies I’ve watched, I stumbled upon a clip of the movie Pride & Prejudice where (SPOILERS!) Mr. Darcy proposes to Elizabeth with the swooning words of “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

From that moment on, I knew I had to watch the film! Everyday, I’d check Netflix and hope that the movie would be available; sure enough, it did last Friday.

That day, I was feeling completely burned out and stressed about college, growing up, and all the pains of young adulthood. I needed a refresher so when I found the movie, I squealed so much I almost sounded like an out-of-breath guinea pig. 

I started playing the movie and was both perplexed and in awe of

A.) what they were saying; and 

B.) how marvelous the scenes were played. 

I was smitten by their posh accents and how poetic they would describe everything they wish. Here I am, longing that this manner of speaking was still socially accepted and everyone could understand you well. While the movie went on, I was already noticing the subtleties present such as (SPOILERS! AGAIN!) the dance scene where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth were the only ones not wearing any gloves as an expression of their growing openness. The whole movie had many of those tiny hints.

However, one not-so-hidden hint is how dreamy Mr. Darcy’s eyes were throughout the movie! The way he looked at Elizabeth at any given moment could melt any woman right on the spot. Matthew MacFayden, Darcy’s actor, absolutely did a spectacular job on portraying the character, from the social awkwardness to the emotional confession scenes. I can confidently say that he perfected his role.

What drew me in though, locked and loaded on watching this movie, was how Elizabeth was described through synopses after synopses. She was portrayed as a strong female who just couldn’t bite her tongue in expressing anything. I was mesmerized at how well she could handle any social situation she was put in right on the spot. I was jealous of how well she could do so! I admire how confident and raw her character was written rather than just be another damsel in distress who was won over by a kiss. 

Every scene involving the sisters I was a mix of emotions, there was a feeling of happiness, sadness, and even a little frustration over Lydia’s fate. Nevertheless, there was still this strong familial feeling lingering over me even nearing the end which even Mr. Darcy had shown with his sister. I was nearly on the verge of tears after seeing Mr. Bennet tear up over his favorite daughter’s engagement. Family was an evident theme here which I didn’t expect from a classical romance novel, but it was definitely delightful.

The movie ended with the confrontation scene between Lizzie and her father and the infamous proposal. I was shaking my hands and screaming profusely like a wee teenager over how beautiful it was. The scene (SPOILER! AGAIN?!) where Mr. Darcy was walking towards Elizabeth made my knees feel jiggly. The end where the scene ended with a touch of foreheads was the highlight point for me. It was far more meaningful than a kiss. It was amazing how a movie could be so romantic without a single kiss scene present.

The moment the movie ended, there were two things I had to do: 

1. Buy the book.

2. Watch more clips.

I immediately went on Lazada and purchased the book without any hesitation. Since it was a steal, I ended up purchasing another one of Jane Austen’s novels which was Sense & Sensibility. I don’t regret watching the movie first though, at least I’d get to imagine the actors play their roles while reading. Unfortunately, my wallet’s quite unhappy.

I also went on Youtube the second the movie ended and was excited to find out that there was an unreleased clip of the couple! (NO SPOILERS NOW!) Since the Netflix version didn’t have it, I was brimming with glee over how lovely their relationship progressed just by a single video.

Before I went to bed that night, I thought of jotting down every bit of manners Darcy had shown towards Elizabeth. It was past midnight and I was remembering every shy act he did towards his love. I was eventually able to fill up a whole page of notes! As cheesy as it may seem, I fell into my slumber hoping for one thing: to meet a man as chivalrous, mature, and endearing as Mr. Darcy. 

Romance novels and movies have definitely upped my standards, but this movie has taken the cake for pushing my expectations higher. It has got to be the most expensive one I’ve watched, due to my spending on the novels, and the most romantic by far. I hope to find another masterpiece that will make my heart flutter as badly as this one has.

For now, I am settled on opening up a pure Mr. Darcy stan account.