rintirinti-blog

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Still here

I’m still here, and I haven’t written in quite a while but here I go.

I bought a rope a week or so ago that I now have in my closet. It’s pretty long so I’m going to have to trim it when that time comes and it should be able to handle my weight as it could take 700kg and I only weight around 65.

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I want to die. thanks for coming to my ted talk

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I can feel my will to stick around dropping drastically for every day that passes. I’m a garbage human being and in the end i think I’m way overestimating the pain my death will cause, so the guilt i feel becomes less and less the more I think on it. I’m one awful man among billions, and even though I will die soon I will try my best to make the best use of my time to fight patriarchy wherever it rears its ugly head. 

Death is it’s own reward.

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Let’s chat about suicide (NSFW)

Ever since high school suicide has been on my mind almost daily. I ‘’attempted’’ to kill myself two time during the three years i went through highschool due to bullying and social isolation but chickened out both times. There is an active railroad just by my house where I grew up and I figured that would be the best place for it.

But both times i tried ,once in the second year and the later in the third, i stepped off the track when the train was coming. I ended up confronting my bullies and sought help for my depression a few years later when it struck me. But i still think about suicide almost daily and I always have it as a backup plan should my life turn for the worse.

In some aspects I still want to due but am unable to due to the guilt i feel knowing i’d leave my family and friends behind. A part of wishes I was diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer so I could do it without guilt, and I’ve formed a plan around it.

I’ll die by hanging, because no other options look good. My dad owns a hunting rifle, but i’m not sure it would be strong enough to kill me, even if I shot myself in the mouth to destroy my brain. The train is also out of the question as I don’t want to ruin the life of an innocent traindriver. I fantasized about suicide by police and the feeling of having your death out of your hands is tempting, but again I don’t want to force someone else to bring about my death.

So I’ve settled on hanging, and I have already bought the rope and have picked a spot to do it in. It’s in a deep part of the forest near my house on a beautiful stone hill right in the woods. There is a large tree strong enough to support my weight, i think. I imagine i’ll write my farewells, pack some food and bring with me what I need then I will prepare the rope, the ladder and spend some time under the tree, eating and browsing my phone, perhaps watching the sun rise. 

Then when I feel prepared I’ll climb the ladder, put my head in the noose and kick the ladder away. I’d prefer to die by a broken neck, but if I die by  asphyxiation that doesn’t matter too much, as long as I die.

I sometimes just think what the point is when I go about my daily life when I know that tomorrow, or in a week or in a year I could be told by a doctor that I have cancer, and then all I’ve done has been for nothing.

I don’t mind dying alone though, I’ve always preferred the peace and tranquility of being alone. I hope no one finds me out there, and that the rope will break eventually and I will lie there under that tree, rotting until nothing but bones and my clothes remain. 

I imagine insects explore what is left of me and perhaps a curious squirrel will check me out for a moment? All I know is that that’s how I would want to be, out in the woods and not in a coffin in a crowded graveyard...

I very much doubt my wishes would be respected though even if I did write them down. Let my bones rest in peace where I died. 

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Let’s talk about Warhammer

So I would like to take a break from all the dysphoric ramblings for a moment to talk about something very positive in my life: Warhammer. 

I remember my childhood friend’s big brother handing me a magazine when we were at a lodge in a ski resort. ‘’White Dwarf’’ I must have been nine at the time and could not read a lick of english, but the cover had cool lizardpeople on it. Inside this magazine was more art: Knights charging into ranks of undead carrying  banners and mighty lances. Lizardmen locked in giant, brutal battles with tides of ratmen and humans in futuristic armour shooting at other humans in futuristic armour but with more skulls and horns. 

It was the first time I was exposed to Warhammer fantasy and Warhammer 40.000 and I was hooked. 

I remember buying my first models with my dad at a local hobby store. I must have been ten or eleven at the time and the first thing I bought was a bone catapult belonging to the Tomb Kings faction from Warhammer fantasy. As the model was made out of metal and I did not have glue strong enough i never managed to put it together, but I still have it. I did manage to paint one of the guards though, and being a braindead ten-year old I slobbered the model with my dad’s hobby paints.

It was fun though and I used most of my monthly allowance to buy whatever set of models caught my eye. Imperial knights, High elf spearmen, I bought them all! 

Then I started getting into 40k and it soon became my main interest. The grim artwork and stories depicting a fractured, dying imperium of man ruled by paranoia, religious superstition and brute force being beset from all sides by aliens, monsters and heretics was so cool! I fell in love with its dark style and the utter hopelessness of the setting made the moments of bravery and heroism all the sweeter. What I also loved was the fact that there were truly no good guys in the setting. In star wars you rooted for the rebels because they stood up to the tyrannical empire. In Star Trek you rooted for the main characters because...well they were the main characters. 

In Warhammer there were no good. The Imperium of man is the worst fascistic theocracy one could imagine. There are no elections, little compassion. As a human you either work in one of the cramped factories on some polluted forgeworld or you are enscripted into the Imperial guard along with billions of others to die fighting enemies far beyond you. But the Imperium HAS to be that way, or else it would be destroyed both from outside and within. 

There is so much I could write, and will do about Warhammer, but my fingers ache and I have to spare them because tomorrow I have some more painting to do. 

The Emperor Protects  

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Could it just be a fetish? (NSFW)

When I first made the connection between my past emotions and experiences and the trans identity I asked myself if seeing myself as a woman was inherently sexual to me and at the time I said no. I just wanted to be a woman, live as one and be seen as one by society. I still do not feel like I want to be a woman for the sexual aspect, but as of recent I have begun thinking about my sexuality.

I do enjoy the thought of engaging with women and men sexually as the person I would prefer to be quite a lot. It feels natural to me to see myself in that way. 

I’ve always been a very sexual person, and I like being open with it to people who are on the same level, yet I’ve never really had the chance to explore or actually engage in those acts with anyone. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend when we meet after 3 years of our internet relationship, yet I was always supposed to be dominant, the one to take action. It didn’t feel right to me, not entirely. i very much enjoyed the time we shared together, even if it was just only for a few days.

Now that relationship is over and I feel like a door has been opened to me. I have that chance to explore now when I feel ready, but then comes another hurdle. I’m extremely socially anxious, especially with new people. How do I explore? How do I meet people who -want- to engage in that kind of activity with me? 

And when I’ve begun transitioning, what then? I’ve never felt much dysphoria regarding my penis, so the thoughts of removing it do not feel right to me but what does that make me then? How many men would want to be with person who looks like some freakish mix between the two sexes and has a penis? How many women?

A part of me wants to just try to be a very feminine bisexual man, but how long would I be able to stomach the gender dysphoria? And this leads me back to my first point: I wonder if my inherit sexual identity is linked with my feelings towards wanting to be a woman? How sick is that.

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I do not feel worthy of the trans and the woman.

As I described in the end of my previous post I still doubt whether i’m actually trans, despite a big part of me telling me I am. I had never even considered the possibility of being trans before a few months ago when it hit me. I have felt body dysphoria since I began puberty but is it really dysphoria? And is it bad enough? My doubts tell me that this is something i’ve conditioned myself to feel out of a need to feel special, because I really do not have much else going for me. 

It is for these reasons I feel bad calling myself trans, because I’m not sure I am and I do not feel I have made myself worthy of using that word. ‘’Confused soul’’ could perhaps be a substitute? 

Just like I feel bad about calling myself trans I feel even worse referring to myself as a woman. I would want nothing more than to be one, look like one, be treated like one. But I’m not. I am six feet, have an ever-present beard shadow, a masculine body and plenty of body hair. My voice is deep and my hairline receding at an alarming rate. There is nothing about me that says ‘’Woman’’ in the traditional sense. Sure, I would want nothing else than to be one, but I can’t and I never will. I was born a man and I will die one, no matter how many years I pump hormones into my body or how many surgeries I get. 

My close friends refer to me as she/her and have given me a cute nickname which makes me happier than anything I imagine could, but in the end I’m in a bubble. As soon as I look myself in the mirror my heart is broken. Some days I can’t even stand to talk as speaking feels like vomiting. Every time my parents or co-workers call me manly, tall or anything related to my sex it feels like a stake is driven through my heart. 

I could try to convince people, do the HRT, look a certain way, dress a certain way but there will always be signs of what I still am. No man or woman would date me, I would have to use the men’s bathroom and potentially get assaulted for it. I would still use the men’s dressing room. I cannot invade women’s spaces and make them uncomfortable or outright cause panic. Just thinking about it makes me feel like an invader, a predator.  

As I see it now I would still do HRT, try to get more comfortable with myself whilst still being very open with what I am. I would say I’m doing this as the only way to treat my dysphoria while still staying out of women’s spaces. I would call myself a TiM (Trans identifying male) which i know is a TERF term, but it feels better than trans woman. I will do what I’ve always done: Build up my own little world in my head and retreat there whenever possible and try to minimize the pain reality brings on me. 

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Thoughts regarding the transgender.

As I mentioned before it was not too long ago I realized I was trans. The funny thing is that it was browsing trans memes that caused it. I was just casually browsing reddit, looking for some new fun subreddit to dig into when I was suggested ‘’R/egg_irl’’ It said it had to do with trans people in denial and although I did not know much about them I figured that perhaps they had some fun memes.  Almost every post resonated with me in some way. It felt weird, but I figured good memes were the ones you could relate to. Then it hit me ‘’WHY did I relate to them?’’ I kept browsing, seeing more and more memes that hit me. I jumped from egg_irl to r/Traaaaaaaaaaaaaaans, another popular subreddit for trans people and there too I could relate to everything. I broke into tears while simultaneously feeling very stupid to be crying over memes on the internet. I’m not sure why I was crying, as I thought I couldn’t be trans. I had never given it a single thought in my life. But I began to look back. I had always wondered why I never felt happy, not just with my body but with me as a whole. I never felt a connection when looking in the mirror. I knew i was supposed to see me but I always felt like a stranger was staring back at me. 

Whenever I tried to draw a portrait of myself I always ended up drawing a girl with my features and feeling very happy about it, it felt right. I thought back to why I always felt envious of the girls in my school although never really understanding why. At first I figured it was the attention they got, but that was just not it. I envied their bodies, their clothes. Everything about them. I wanted to have what they had but instead I was stuck with something I just couldn’t connect to. 

I laid there in bed, sobbing and not know what to do. I put on some music and tried to fall asleep, figuring that the feeling would pass and that I just was being a crybaby like always. The feelings didn’t pass, instead they grew for each day until it was all I thought about. I knew I had to tell someone, but I was not sure who. My boyfriend at the time was a big no as he hated the thought of me being remotely feminine for reasons I will write about some other time. I chose to reach out to an old internet friend of mine, a woman I had known for many years yet never really spoken too much to. She had always been understanding and caring throughout the years I had known her so I felt i could trust her. 

So I reached out, yet chickened as we began speaking over discord and told her that I was interested in crossdressing. She was. as I had hoped. very understanding and considerate which made me feel happy. I did not feel as trapped anymore when I had spoken with her, like I wasn’t really alone. I continued speaking with her and eventually mustered up the courage to talk to her about being trans, which was hard to say even from myself. Again, she was nothing but kind, understanding and an overall wonderful human being. I’m not ashamed to admit that I became somewhat addicted to chatting with her as she gave me something I had never really had: A person to open up to without a hint of fear. Sharing my feelings and thoughts with her allowed me to manage those emotions better, because if I hadn’t been able to talk to her they would have stewed and warped in my head which could have ended badly.

Now I’m here on the 28′th of July 2019 and I’ve accepted myself for what I am, although I still am troubled by plenty of fears and doubts. I’m not even sure I am trans, which could sound funny considering what I’ve just written.

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An Introduction

So I suppose my first post should be about who I am. I’m a twenty-four year old swedish TiM (Trans identifying male) Who spend most of my time alone in my apartment cleaning, playing videogames and painting my extensive collection of Warhammer miniatures. I currently work as a carer, working hourly whenever they need me and it is when I work that I feel the most valuable. 

It was not too long ago I realized I was trans, which turned my life on its head and shook me up pretty bad. It became the end for my 4-year old relationship with my boyfriend but also led me to becoming closer with some of my friends. I’ve also made some great new friends since.

My interests are fairly childish with the aforementioned Warhammer models I collect, assemble and paint. I also enjoy playing RPG games, strategy games and the odd MMO although I do not play the for long due to the investment needed. My interest in music ranges to almost any genre but I have a soft spot for powermetal, gregorian chants and orchestral pieces. My least favorite genre is rap. I find it too aggressive and cocky although I can enjoy some songs.

I also enjoy taking care of animals and at home we have two horses belonging to my parents, six chickens, two guinea pigs and our border terrier Mimmi.