ripmattitude - Tumblr blog

ripmattitude · 1 year ago

Text

Quiet 12

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11

pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo

summary: a girl with a lot of baggage and a boy with even more try to help put each others pieces back together one by one. A story about a girl who’s broken and a boy who doesn’t talk

warnings: mentions of drinking, suggestive, mentions of being drunk

-------------------------------------------------------

"Wednesday" I stated. Matt glanced up at me hesitantly. I shifted next to him. "I upset you" I breathed. He looked back down. I tilted my head to look at his face. His eyes glanced over at me reluctantly, like he didn’t want to look at me.

"Can you tell me why?" I whispered. He took in a breath and looked away from me. "Chris made it pretty clear, I upset you" I spoke again remembering the way he screamed at me in the parking lot. I swallowed.

Matt looked down.

"Tell me Matt" I pleaded desperate to get an answer out of him. His face twisted and he opened his mouth and closed it along with his eyes. He softly shook his head.

I sighed of defeat and turned away from him. Matt looked over at me.

I just glanced down at my book, forgoing the entire conversation. I can't be sorry if I didn't know what I did. Matt wouldn't even tell me.

He reached over and wrote on his notebook. I looked over.

You and Jake, are you guys together?

I stared down at the sentence. Matt didn't look up at me. All he did was stare at the sentence that he wrote. I licked my lips and looked down at the page.

"I don't know Matt. He-" I took in a breath. "I don't know what we are" I mumbled. He looked up to me, I stared back down at my book. He pursed his lips and wrote again on the page.

for someone who doesn't know, he sure does like to kiss you a lot

I looked down at the words before I looked up at Matt. He stared at me. I smacked my lips before turning back to my book.

"Before you ask" I spoke. "That's all we did--kiss." I spoke honestly. It's all that happened. Just a lot of kissing. Matt stared at me before going back to the page.

I wasn't going to ask

I blinked down at the words and I just turned.

"He's nicer than you think you know. He's...." I set down my book. Matt had his eyes trained on me.

"He's not like his friends" I shook my head. Matt sighed and looked down before writing one last thing.

I'll have to take your word for it

I bit my lip and turned away wanting this conversation to end. I tapped my finger against the book over and over, reading none of the words on the page.

"So the party..." I whispered without looking up. He glanced over to me. "Are you gonna come?" I asked raising my head.

I could have sworn when the words left my mouth he looked sick to his stomach. Like a million thoughts filled behind his eyes. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and he looked down at his page.

"You don't have to---" I shook my head. "I can just..." I sighed. "Come over after" I suggested. He looked up at me and closed his eyes.

He shook his head.

I stared at him and he glared down at his page before shaking his head again. It only took a few seconds before he grabbed his things and stood up and left.

I pulled my skirt down feeling as if my legs were too much on display. I'd stared myself in the mirror for what felt like an hour. Attempting to find my nicest clothes that would match what everyone else might be wearing at the party.

Here I was at 17 and I had no idea what people wore to parties. I'd never been to one before. I wrapped my arms around myself.

I wondered what my mom would think in these moments. If she'd be proud of me for putting myself out there. For going to party. With a boy. I chuckled to myself.

I nodded in the mirror.

You look fine Y/n. You look pretty.

My mom's voice came through and I smiled and that was enough to grab my stuff and walk out the door to the party. If even Matt wasn't coming with me. I could do this. Still I paused before reaching for the doorknob. I shook my head.

And I walked in.

I took in a breath as I attempting to move out of the way of people. I ducked and turned apologizing as I walked through the room trying to find a familiar face. So far I saw no one.

Until I felt someone wrap their arm around my waist over my exposed stomach. Their face was pressed into my neck, kissing softly.

"You made it"

I chuckled and turned until we faced each other. Jake's eyelids were drooped and he held one arm out that held his drink.

"Hi" I whispered. "Hi" He breathed back pressing his lips to mine. I kissed him softly before parting from him. He pulled at my side.

"Come on, everyone's over here" He said motioning behind me. I nodded as he replaced his grip on my side, to my hand and dragged me through the crowd.

People glanced at us. I met some of their eyes. Some whispered, some people's eyes widened. I ducked my head down and squeezed Jake's hand tighter. We finally made it into the living room before I saw everyone sitting looking around.

I smiled and waved as I stood next to Jake.

"Jake I was wondering where you ran off too" Tyler turned to look at us. Jake looked down at me.

"Sit with me" He mumbled down to me. I nodded as I looked up at him. We moved to the couch before I sat down next to him.

He smiled and his hand found it's place on the inside of my leg, pulling it towards him. I closed my legs quickly so that I wasn't exposed to those sitting around us. I felt my face heaten.

"You look cute"

I turned and met Lacey's stare. She was sitting on Gavin's lap. I averted my eyes from widening. She wasn't smiling, she just stared as she sipped from her drink.

"Thank you" I breathed straighting out my top. Her eyes glanced down to Jake's hand on my leg. She pursed her lip and dropped her drink from her lips.

"You drink?" She asked.

I blinked at her before shaking my head. She stared and her eyes glanced over me. Jake leaned in me.

"Do you want me to get you a drink Y/n?" He said softly. I looked over at him.

"No, I'm okay right now" I smiled softly. He nodded and shifted his shoulder behind mine so that I was leaning against his chest slightly. I sighed.

"I wanna play a game" Lacey stood from her seat on Gavin. Gavin groaned. "You always wanna play a game, come back and sit" He reached for her. She ripped from his touch. I swallowed and closed my eyes.

Nadia sat up from where she sat.

"Game! Yay! Tyler game" She reached and pulled Tyler's attention. Tyler slowly turned to Nadia, blinking slowly. Jake sighed and leaned against me.

"They're all wasted. Don't pay attention" He mumbled into my ear. I turned and looked at him. "Are you?" I whispered. "Drunk?” I glanced over his eyes.

“—Or wasted I mean" I stumbled over my words. He sighed and set down his drink.

"I've had a few drink, I'm fine" He smiled pressing his lips against my face. I let out a breath and nodded feeling a sickening feeing in my stomach. I don’t know what I was thinking.

"Game. You in skinny?" Lacey tilted her head at me. My gut clenched. Nadia hit her. "You promised" She snapped glaring at her. I looked between them feeling frozen in my skin.

"It was a joke" She chuckled. "You knew it was a joke right?" She turned to me and raised her eyebrows. Everyone turned to me. I forced a smile.

Friends, Friends, Friends.

"Y-Yeah" I nodded. Lacey nodded and turned back to the table. Jake took in a breathed and gripped my leg.

"Yeah-Yeah Lacey stop being such a cunt and play the game huh?" He snapped at her. She glared up at him. They stared at each other for a minute.

"Fine, hand me the deck" She glared at Jake, holding her hand out for Gavin. Gavin sighed and bend down before handing her a deck of cards.

"What game is this?" I asked turning to Jake. Jake kept glaring at Lacey. Lacey slapped down the deck of cards.

"Easy" Lacey snapped my attention. "Grab a card, read what it says, do it or drink" She smiled. I blinked at her before snapping out of it and nodding.

"Ladies go first" She slid the deck to me. I blinked up at Jake and he just looked at me, as everyone did. I swallowed as I reached down and picked up the first one on top.

My eyes glanced over it.

"Tell a secret, or drink."

I felt sick. I looked up at Lacey. She smiled and raised her eyebrows. I looked over at Jake as I set down the card. "Well?" Lacey crossed her arms over her chest. I looked at the ground.

"Um.." I thought. A secret? I looked up at the drinks layed against the table in front of us. Each one looking less appetizing than the next.

"It doesn't have to be a huge one, Y/n" Jake leaned into me. I tapped my foot and nodded.

"I--" I shook my head. "I--accidently killed my hamspter when I was 7" I nodded remembering the first thing I could. They blinked at me. Lacey shook her head and Nadia chuckled.

"Damn" Tyler chuckled. "Boring" Lacey announced before picking up at card herself and sighing as her eyes glanced over the words.

"Kiss someone you've previously hooked up with or drink" She read. Her eyes looked up at mine. She smiled before she stood and walked over to where I was sitting. My eyes widened before she leaned down and then I realized who she was going for.

"Lace-" Jake mumbled before she pressed her lips to his, while his hand still rested on my legs. My eyes widened and I felt my heart start to beat as I stared at their lips connected.

Jake?

They’d hooked up?

I looked away from them as she parted and chuckled.

Jake looked down at me. I didn't look up at him suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. I looked up at Nadia who looked sadly at me. I pulled my leg from his touch and Jake sighed.

"Y/n" He breathed trying to get my attention.

I’d knew Lacey had just done it to embarrass me, and it worked. I just don’t know why Jake never mentioned it before.

"Who's next?" Lacey smiled. Nadia leaned forward before taking a card.

The game went on like this. Jake stopped trying to get my attention and I just listened and watched as Nadia gave Tyler a lap dance, Jake downed a shot, and Tyler and Gavin wrestled on the ground.

"Your turn" Lacey pushed the card towards me. I sighed before picking up another card. I clenched my jaw as I started to read the card.

"Take off your shirt or drink" I read. Tyler leaned back. "This should be good" He chuckled. Jake glared at him. I pursed my lips as Lacey held back a laugh. I placed the card down before reaching for the bottle in front of me.

"Cop-out" Lacey mumbled. I glared at her before bringing the bottle up to my lips. At first it didn't taste like anything as I drank it like water, it going down so easily.

"Not----that much" Jake grabbed the bottle from me.

Then it burned.

I coughed as the foul tasted hit me like a ton of bricks. I leaned forward as my hand came to my throat, attempting to wipe away the burning from the outside.

Jake put his hand on my back.

"Are you okay?" He breathed. I sat up and looked at everyone'e eyes on me. "I'm fine" I snapped. He sighed and took his hand off my back.

Lacey wasn't winning. I wasn't going to let her. She could try to embarrass me with this cards all night, but I was just going to drink every time.

I was smiling. Genuinely smiling. It felt so good. I giggled as Jake leaned over me as I layed against the couch.

Everyone forgot about the game a few minutes ago.Lacey pre-occupied with Gavin and Nadia with Tyler, their conversations drowing out through everyone else in the house.

"There are a lot of people in your house" I giggled. He nodded and smiled. "There is" He smiled and nodded. I sighed and closed my eyes. Everything felt like it was fuzzing, like the muscles under my skin were bubbling, keeping me warm.

"Are you okay?" His hand came over my hip. I nodded and smiled, my eyes still closed.

"'M happy" I chuckled blinking my eyes open. "Your happy?" He asked chuckling. I nodded as I looked up at him.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you today" Jake breathed as he looked down at me. I smiled and pointed to myself. "Me?" I chuckled. He nodded and closed his eyes. I sighed and looked off.

“I wish Matt was here, he would like feeling this--I feel free" I said as I spread my arms out. Jake pursed his lips and looked down at me.

"You know he's into you right?"

I looked up at him. "Matt?" I asked my eyes widening. He nodded. I shook my head and giggled. Everything just felt funny.

"No-Matt he's....not into anything" I chuckled shaking my head. Jake stared down at me.

"He's into you. I can see it in the way he glares at me" He chuckled. I shook my head furrowing my eyebrows. "I would know Jake. He-He would have told me" I chuckled, leaning into Jake's arm. Jake's gaze just followed me.

"Alright, no more drinks for you" He brushed hair behind my ear. I rolled my eyes and pushed his arm. He smiled as he leaned over me and pressed his lips to mine softly. I smiled as I kissed him back.

"Do you wanna go upstairs? It's quieter up there, somewhere for you to lay down" He mumbled against my lips. I smiled and nodded. He smiled before leaning up and helping me up off the couch. I leaned into him as he held me up as we walked out of the room.

I felt like my body was as light as a feather. I couldn’t stop smiling. This was great. Jake was great.

I chuckled as we made it to the stairs. He held my hand as we walked up the steps. I stumbled missing one of the steps. My hand grasped the rail. Has stairs always been this hard?

"Are you okay?" He laughed pulling me up. I nodded as we continued to walk. He pulled me into this room before he closed the door.

His hands came to my waist and his lips came down on me. I kissed him back and smiled as I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands came over my hips, gripping my skirt.

As I kissed him back, my hands coming over his hands. I knew my skirt was riding up, and I didn’t want to be on full display.

He released his grip and his hand came under my skin and he guided me towards his bed continuing to kiss me.

I laid down before he crawled over me. He smiled as he pushed his tonuge in my mouth sloppily. His hand pulled my leg up before his hand grazed my knee and trailed down my leg.

He moved his lips to my neck. I looked up at the ceiling.

"D-Did you really hook up with Lacey?" I breathed as I remembered the events from earlier. He lifted for a moment.

"It was a long time ago" He mumbled before he pressed his lips harder agaisnt my neck. I blinked at the ceiling.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" My eyebrows furrowed. He sighed and he looked up at me. "It wasn't relevant. We weren't ever together" He explained his hand gripping my chin. I looked up at him.

"Okay?" he breathed. I nodded. His lips returned to my neck and he bit down. I swallowed as pictures of Matt's face flushed through my mind. The way his eyes looked over my neck.

He let out a hard breath before he leaned over and tightened the strings to my hoodie to conceal my neck and tapped to his own neck. The same place where a mark laid on my own neck. As if to say:

Hide your hickeys better, I can see them.

"D-Don't give me hickeys" I quickly spoke. Jake lifted his head and his hands pushed throught my hair. "Why?" He questioned staring down at me.

I don't want Matt to see them.

"My-My dad. I don't want him--to see” I shook my head and closed my eyes. He sighed before he pressed his lips back to mine. I kissed him back trying to shut off my mind. I was drunk. I didn't know what drunk felt like, but this had to be it. The room was spinning. My mind was racing.

His hands came over both my legs before he pushed up my shirt and his hand trailed under my bra. I shifted under him, just trying to focus on kissing him back. He bit down on my lip.

"You’re so.." He mumbled and his hand came over my breast. I shuttered uncomfortably under his touch. No one had ever touched me like this before. “Hot” he finished squeezing down on me. I felt my body freeze.

His hand trailed the bottom of my skirt and passed under it.

I tore my lips from his. “Jake, wait” I breathed looking up at him. He stared down at me. “Let me make you feel good” He responded shortly before kissing the side of my face. I felt my breath quicken as his hands went back behind my bra, attempting to unclip it.

"Jake" I pushed his hand away. His hand came out from under my shirt. I sat up and looked down as he climbed off me.

"What?" He asked from behind me. I swallowed and pulled my skirt down suddenly feeling sick to my stomach.

"What?" He asked again. I bit my lip and looked down shaking my head. Why am I freaking out? I was freaking out. I couldn’t do this. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk.

He took in a hard breath.

"I just feel--I feel like--" I was choking on my words scared to even look back up at him. "It's a little fast for me. I-I-" Find your words. Find your words, Y/n. Don’t freak out.

"I've just drank and we shouldn't--"

"Why does that matter? Are you not not into me?" He spoke from behind me. I closed my eyes. I felt like my skin burned where he had touched me.

Plane rides, quiet nights, sleep

"I just-It's a little fast don't you think? I mean are we even together? I don’t know when we switched from friends to—" I stuttered turning and looking at him. He gapped at me and shook his head.

"We're having this conversation now?" He asked shaking his head.

"Well-I dont know? I’ve never done this. I don’t know what I’m doing” I shook my head.

"We're hooking up? Was that not what you wanted?" He said glaring at me. I could feel him start to get angry and my heart beat against my chest.

I looked down and my eyes watered. "I don't know what I want right now. I—" I shook my head. He took in a breath.

Reading, books, being sober.

"Are you kidding me?” I snapped. “Not what you want?” He snapped. “Y/n, it’s not that big of a deal” He shook his head. I just stared at the ground, unable to speak

"Is it that stupid mute kid? Is that what this is about? Did he get into your head?" He threw his hands up. I shook my head.

"Matt he's--"

"I gave you an in y/n. An in to my group--to a good highschool social life, you should thank me. Now you're sick of it? Now it’s too much?" He snapped. I swallowed and shook my head.

"I didn't realize--"

"What? Did you think I just liked hearing you talk?" He snapped. I closed my eyes and my hands came over my face. Disappear, Disappear.

"Do you know how many girl want to be in your postion right now? Do you know who I am to these people?" I stayed silent as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

“Jake I’m sorry” I whispered quietly. He took in a breath. “I didn’t mean to make you think-“ I turned to him.

"Come back or get out" He said. I looked up at him. He stared at me with a straight face. I opened my mouth before looking back down at my shoes.

I shook my head as I stood up off the bed and held in my emotions before I shut the door and walked down the stairs. I felt my eyes fill with tears as the loud music came back over my ears.

I swallowed as I blink just trying to focus, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even walk down the steps without gripping the railing. I closed my eyes. Why did I do this to myself?

I pushed off the railing.

“You’re fine you’re fine” I whispered shaking my head. I pushed through people. Outside, just get outside.

I stumbled against the door harshly as I ripped it open.

Jake’s words played in my mind. The way he gripped me.

And I threw up.

I don't know how I got here but I did. It's like my feet knew where I was going before I did. I cried most of the way here. I knew my mascara had to be running. The walk was shorter that I remembered. But I didn’t remember most of the walking itself.

It was zigzagged and blurry.

You could have told me I teleported here and I would have believed you. Everything was still fuzzy. I hope Matt wouldn’t be mad that I was here.

Would be mad?

Tears sprung to my eyes.

Matt mad.

I knocked on the door softly. I stood back and wiped my nose as I stared at the door. My ears still buzzing from the loudness of the party I was just at. I couldn’t think. I barely had a strain of thoughts.

I knew Matt didn’t want me to come here after the party. But I couldn’t go home. I just couldn’t. I stared at the door. No one was coming. I looked down.

I couldn’t walk all the way home now, there’s no way I would make it. I knocked again, harder.

“Please Matt” I whispered. Nothing. I bit my lip and sat down leaning against the door. I sighed as I brought my hands up to my face.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Why did you ever go to that party without Matt? What were you thinking? You didn’t know those people? Matt was right. God Matt was so right it hurt.

A few seconds later I felt the door open the door opened, I fell back before I looked up

Matt looked down at me, his eyes and mouth wide. I quickly sat up and stumbled up to my feet. Matt reached out and steadied me. I blinked up at him, humiliation all over my face.

I looked down.

“Please don’t be mad at me” My eyes filled with tears. He sighed and dropped his hands from me as I reached up and wiped my tears.

I looked up at him.

“I didn’t have fun at the party” I shook my head. He closed his eyes as sadness filled his face. I walked forward before pressing my head against his chest and hugging him.

He froze against me as I tried to take in a deep breath. His arms finally rested around me. He sighed as he leaned his head over mine. His hands rubbing my back.

“Matt, I’m so stupid.” I mumbled against him. He pulled me back before looking down at me. I turned away from him.

“I don’t look—-pretty right now. Don’t look at me” I said reaching up and wiping my tears. He grabbed my hands before pushing them down and his thumbs came under my eyes before wiping away the tears, replacing my owns I just looked up at him. His eyes met mine and he gave a sad smile.

I sighed and he grabbed my arm before pulling me into the house. I stumbled slightly and I reached up for his arm.

“Matt I—I don’t feel good” I whispered. His eyes widened and he held me up.

“I’m sorry” I apologized as I leaned into him. "Please tell me Chris isn't-" I hiccuped. "--Here, he'll yell. I'm tired of....yelling" I sighed as we walked through the hallway. Matt furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at me.

Matt pulled me into his room before he let me go, I fell down onto my knees and whined, like I couldn’t hold up my own body weight. Matt bent down with wide eyes before pushing my face up. His eyes scanned my face, as if checking for any injuries.

"Please don't be mad" I said closing my eyes. "I'm really--" I swallowed. "Drunk" I sighed as I laid against the floor. I blinked up at him and he took in a breath, closing his eyes as he sat down on the floor next to me.

I stared up at the ceiling. His hand came over my head as he moved the hair from my face. I swallowed as I turned and looked at him. He smiled softly. I leaned into his hand.

“I don’t know why you like me so much” I whispered. He just bit his lip. “I’m sorry for being a bad friend” I whispered. He lifted his hand from me before grabbing my arms and pulling me to a sitting position.

"I want you to talk to me" I breathed staring up at him. He just stared at me. "I just want to hear your voice Matt. I-" I felt my eyes fill up with tears.

"Just please tell me you're not mad at me." I whined. He stood up before grabbing my arms and pulling me up to my feet. I fell against him and his arms came around my waist. I sighed as I looked up at him. He stared down at me.

"I know you didn't want me to come over, but I--" I bit my lip. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go” I whispered.

"I don't like Jake anymore" I whispered shaking my head. He just looked at me. "He's not..." I closed my eyes. "He's not nice" I laid my head against him. I let out a breath.

"He's not like you" I whispered. He froze against me breifly, I barely felt it with the room going in out a focus. I groaned against him. He grabbed my waist before walking me over to his bed, I fell against the sheet.

He moved to unlace my shoes and I just watched him as the threw them on the floor. He pulled the covers over my body and looked down at me. His hand slightly went to brush the hair out of my face, but he froze.

I reached up and grabbed his hand before pressing it to my face and leaning against his warmth. He just watched me as if he was suprised from my action.

“You know what’s werid…” I whispered. He raised his eyebrows as he looked down at me. “Jake said that you were into me” I swallowed. I felt Matt’s hand freeze.

“I told him that he was crazy because—-I would know right?” I looked up at him. He didn’t react. “I feel like I would know. Because you put all your emotions on your face” I looked up at him. He turned away his cheeks pinkening.

"Do you like being my friend?" I whispered. He looked down at me for a second before nodding. I leaned against the pillow, dropping his hand from my face, but still holding it.

"He said he didn't like hearing me talk" I mumbled. Matt watched me. I closed my eyes. "He didn't want me to talk" I breathed. Matt's eyebrows furrowed.

"Do you feel that way too? Do I talk too much?" I asked my eyes filling with tears. He shook his head instantly before kneeling beside the bed. I looked at him and shook his head more. I sighed.

"Your eyes are blue" I smiled as I looked over his eyes. He smiled and shook his head.

"Sometimes when I looked at Jake's eyes--I'd imagine your eyes instead. Isn't that insane?" I asked glancing over at him. He stared blankly at me his mouth slightly parted and his eyes glanced over mine.

Our faces were inches apart. I swallowed as I stared at him feeling bubbling in my stomach. I swallowed.

"Is that insane?" I asked softer. He shook his head his eyes not leaving mine. Silence filled the room around us. I felt my heart beating hard against my chest and I felt our hands more than I should.

We just looked at each other. Like the other person was the only other one in the world. I glanced down his face. From his glasses to the tip of his nose, to his parted lips.

I just watched him and before I knew it I leaned forward slightly. As if my body was begging me to close the few inches left between us.

I felt his lips graze mine, his slightly brushing against my own. Then before they actually touched, they were gone. I froze. I blinked my eyes open. He swallowed as he pulled his hand from mine and sat back.

He pulled back. He pulled away.

We just stared at each other, like the other was as equally shocked at the others movements. His eyes wide as he looked at me. He closed his eyes and looked down as guilt filled his face.

I felt embarrassment wash over me like a truck. I felt sick to my stomach.

He pulled back from connecting our lips.

I'd tried to kiss him and he pulled back.

He hadn't wanted to kiss me.

I sat up and looked down wrapping my arms around myself, unable to look at him. I felt like I was gonna throw up again.

"I'm so sorry. I-I don't know why I did that" I shook my head turning away from him so he didn't see the tears lining my eyes. The shear embarrassment that was radiating off my face.

For a second there was silence I could feel him looking at me. I closed my eyes wanting to disappear, wanting to punch myself in the face for everything I’ve done tonight. I felt like an idiot.

He stood up before taking in a breath.

He leaned over before writing something. He set it down next to me. I avoided looking at it as he walked out of the room.

I stared down at my hands as I felt a tear fall down the bridge of my nose as I heard the door shut. I reached up and wiped it.

I finally glanced at the paper sitting there once I knew he wasn't coming back.

get some sleep y/n

I closed my eyes and turned over hugging the covers too me, hoping this night would erase from my memory by the morning as I drifted off into sleep with Matt's scent surrounding me. As I slept in his bed, under his covers, without him.

779 notes · View notes