riversofrain

[riversofrain]

Is it such a terrible thing?

TW: SELF HARM

1. There are new scars on my body. I am not sorry, I do not promise to stop soon. Is it such a terrible thing? My char-dark chest chastises me to no end and insists. What else could I have done? But please. I don't want to be put through the washing machine again. 

2. You know, the washing machine: they strip you down, shove you in, watch you, wash you scrubbingly with cleansing medications, spin you through therapy session after therapy session, wring you out when they're done, leave you out to dry. I already went through twice. 

3. I am an invalid again. Hand over your razors, Rain. And all your medicine, hand over those too. Can't trust you with them now, can I? I get it. I do. I'm too cruel to me to be let loose around me. But I wouldn't be put through the washing machine again. I've tried it and while it can be comfortably dark and isolating with a silence so loud I can hear the synapses crackling in my brain, these stains are stubborn. They never wash off. And I'm tired of the spin and tumble, spin and tumble. It is such a terrible thing. 

6. There are new scars on my body. I'm not calmer for it, though I always tell myself I will be. I don't know if I'm sorry. I tell my sister I am though, and my doctor, and my friends. Because it makes them feel better. Nothing ever makes me feel better. Nothing ever washes me clean. 

4. I feel like the next time I'm put through, I'll finally spin apart. Multiple torn pieces, wool everywhere. Or whatever it is I am made of. Bits and bobs, shrapnel strewn across the walls of the ward. 

5. I tried to stop. I did. I marked my calendar and counted the days (175 days!) and created a plan and coasted through the steps. I called people, called God, cried. I stretched and stretched but couldn't quite reach abstinence. 

7. Stop me if you must next time. Just don't put me through the washing machine again. I fear I'll shrink too far into myself, and we both know that's a terrible place to be. 

[riversofrain]

if you need me i’ll be going where im loved and loving where im going

[riversofrain]

The children's show villain is a figure who sadly is not seen outside the children's show. There are few stock characters who as succinctly declare, from sheer stage presence, "the world is unloveable and it is painful to live here; that which delights mankind is like ash on my tongue" without being too fucking whiny about it.

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we're having sex and you pull out at the end to discover your cock is entirely gone, dissolved (ive digested it like a pitcher plant). bye!

[riversofrain]

Up the tube! Oh my boot!

by fomajc on instagram. im losing my shit over this

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People don't talk enough about how evangelical Christianity encourages self effacement to dangerous levels. Even after leaving the church, I still struggle with prioritizing myself and my needs because I was taught growing up that JOY means Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself - J-O-Y. Till this day I struggle with showing up for myself because in my formative years I was taught that it was godly to neglect yourself or put others above yourself.

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Goal

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I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck

Meanwhile other neurodivergents are like

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sometimes I wish it wasn't so difficult to be yourself. Like who even am I?

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Is anybody else just really scared

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Whatever you do, keep on moving. Lack of action will have you going down into mental spirals that will cause confusion, anxiety, and depression. Regardless of how things may appear like in the moment or what fears may be clouding your mind, you have to keep moving. Be mindful of the present, and focus on the things you can change today, not on what could happen tomorrow. Do not become paralyzed, because more often than not, things tend to end up being much better in the end than we previously thought possible.

[riversofrain]

I have so much potential… i can’t give up on myself.