rizaespiritu-blog

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SOMETIMES, I JUST WANNA BE LOST 

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IF YOU’RE THINKING OF SUICIDE

I just want to let you know that it is going to get better. It will. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, and I know you’re in pain. I know what it’s like to feel like that. But I promise you you’re going to reach a point in your life and you’ll find someone who loves you - truly loves you, and you’ll never have to doubt it for a second. You’ll go days without crying, and forget about all the days you were sobbing on your bedroom floor, feeling helpless and lonely. I want you to know that it is okay if you don’t feel okay right now. We all have bad days, and even if this feels like a bad life - it’s not. You’ve got so much to live for. You’ve got more places to travel to, and new people to meet. You have languages to learn and food to try. You have so much left to experience. And if you just hang in for a little while longer, everything will be okay in the end. You can do this.

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I was backreading our old messages, I miss the old times. Sana katulad na lang tayo ng dati. Sana gano’n na lang ulit tayo kasaya. Sana gano’n na lang ulit tayo ka-chill. Sana maulit yung dati. Sana hindi na lang ako nagkamali. Sana pwede ko pa maibalik. Sana tiniis ko na lang. Sana mas naging matapang na lang ako. Sana hinayaan ko na lang. Sana iniyak ko na lang para kinabukasan wala na. Sana tinanggap ko na lang. Sana kinalimutan ko na lang. It’s more okay if I’m the only one hurting rather than seeing other people in pain aside from me. Just like old times, nagtitiis pa rin ako ngayon. Mas malala pa. Why did I even make things more complicated kung pwede ko naman habaan na lang yung pasesnsya ko dati? 

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How many times will you try to push me away? Please try harder until I get numb. It still hurts me whenever you remove my hand around your body, whenever you prefer to walk away than to comfort me, whenever you bring back irrelevant things. I’ll get used to it, soon. I promise. I understand that you still have that trauma and I know that your pain is two or three times the pain that I’ve felt. Please don’t think that I’ve done nothing but to enjoy before. Believe me, I also got hurt because of my wrong life decisions. I hated myself. Those fucking three months was full of shit. Well yes, I enjoyed but I cursed myself too. I lived with regrets from the day that I realize that I was going the wrong way. Forget everything. Forget the nonsense things I’ve told you before. Those don’t really matter at all. Stop overthinking. It will not help you. Try to do some other stuff when it bothers you already. Stop reminiscing. We will not even pass the exam or have a good future if we reminisce the bad moments. We’re just wasting our time when we could enjoy and make every second of our lives a worthwhile. Is it just me or.. that I want to spend every milisecond of my life hugging you? No matter what you say or what you do to me, I will always try to understand you and I will still end up staring at you and will keep on telling myself, “shit, i’m so lucky”. I’ll prove to you that you shouldn’t worry anymore. This is my choice. My own choice. No one has to interfere or to blame you. It’s my choice. I’ll not go home not unless you lose your doubt. I’ll seldom use facebook so that I wouldn’t accidentally like posts. I’ll delete everything that reminds you of the past. I’ll stay quiet and calm when you rant about what happened before to lessen the argument. I’ll suffice your personal needs that I wasn’t able to give you for those three months. I’ll accept the fact that efforts are sometimes not seen nor appreciated. I will no longer see you teary-eyed because of that. I’ll try, I swear. I can see the posts of the people involved before; they’re happy now and they’ve moved on. I can’t wait for us to step ahead, move forward, move on, and decide to forget everything.

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I lost almost 95% of our bad memories. I barely remember everything when I am supposed to recall it detailed by detailed because that’s what I’m good at - storing good or bad memories in my mind and in heart. The feeling’s like I had some amnesia but only our bad memories were erased. I could hardly remember the root of everything, and the following series of events. All I can remember is that you were not so good to me before ((but I couldn’t really recall what you did)) and then shit happened and then I tried to fix shit and then tada!! We’re back to normal. I just realised it lately when my boyfriend is trying to bring back the past. I really have no idea why or how. Maybe I’m already happy to be bothered by the past? Or I just didn’t let myself be a prisoner of the past? Or maybe I’m escaping from my nightmare? No matter what the reason is, I no more care. What’s important for me right now is that I am able to make it up to the people I hurt, including myself. I am able to stand up again for myself ((I had some extreme reflection of myself and had undergone emotional shits before I could bring back my strong self)). It was hard - to stand up again when I’m already at the very bottom. I came to the point when I already cursed myself. But for the people who keep on believing me ((even when I, myself don’t)), I tried for them. They were my strength. 

an open letter to the person who sees the beautiful side of me and never gives up on me, 

I know, it’s hard for you to forget the past. Believe it or not, but I do understand you. I truly do. I don’t know how to give you advices because 1. you will misinterpret me and 2. you will insist your reasonings so I will just shut my mouth and listen to your point than to argue with you. I despise quarrelling with you. All I want is “lablab” time - always. When you accepted me again, I thought you were also ready to forget everything that happened because that’s how you will be able to fully accept me and go on with life with no hindrances. It’s not that you will never forget it because it hurt you a lot or it will always be a part of you or it will always have a part in your life. It’s not like that. How can you move forward when in some instances, it bothers you? It’s not permanent. Don’t make it permanent. Don’t be an inmate of the past because no matter how far you go or how long you’ve reached, you will always comeback to it. For instance, now that we’re back to how we used to be ((but stronger hehe)), we’re genuinely happy and there’s no doubt with that. But there comes a time when you out of the blue, cite some happenings before and mention names and such. I don’t want to remember it anymore. You too, please. You told me that you’ll not mention them or that again. Don’t be full of hatred. You will bring it until you get old. I don’t want you to grow up having hatred deep down in your heart. I’m sorry. Everything was my fault. Every time you mention them/that, I keep on hating and blaming myself. I am truly sorry. I have no excuse with what I’ve done, but I could at least make it up to you and to the months that I wasn’t able to take care of you. It’s been five months, and we’re still trapped. I want to move on, forget everything but you won’t help yourself. It will take a lot of time and I completely understand that. Just always remember that I will always be by your side supporting and cheering you up in your journey. I will always help you. I once asked you if the things that I’m doing for you not enough to pay back every wrong doings that I’ve done, and you said no. The moment you said “no”, it’s like I’m shattered into pieces. All this time, my efforts aren’t still enough. I don’t have the right to question it because it’s you whom can see it. Yet, since the very first day that we got together, I knew that I’ve been selflessly doing everything for you. I knew that you will be my top priority. I couldn’t enumerate all the things that I’ve done because I did them wholeheartedly and I’m not asking something in return. I just want to serve you - always. But it just hurt to hear it from you that everything that I have done wasn’t enough. From then day on, I told myself to try harder and don’t expect people to appreciate you the way I wanted to. For five months, I’ve been regretting my wrong doings. Everyday, I am cursing myself. I’ve been following you and your rules. You want me to not talk to all of the people related to them? I’m not talking to them - it’s just that whenever we see each other in the hallway, they’re the first one to smile at me or wave at me or at least nod at me and I will just give an awkward smile in return. Do you expect me to really be a snobber? That when they smile or wave at me, I’ll just have my poker face on? That even our mutual friends/blockmates, I shouldn’t greet them? Neglecting the fact that they’ve been my friends first? You also got mad at me because I greeted my used-to-be-friends’ mother on a mother’s day. Why? Because they deserve to be greeted because in that way, they will feel appreciated. They’ve been my second mom because they’ve been very welcoming and they also treat me as their daughter. I’m sorry I had to. Do you expect me to be an introvert person? Sometimes, I see it unfair because as I ignore other people, you used to reply to this bullshit girl whom I told you to ignore too. Fun fact: I hate to do it - to have you ignore other people but I had to. I’m sorry. However, it’s fine because if that will help you recover, I will do it. Even if I lost a lot of friends, I will do it. If this is my punishment, it’s good. It’s my fault so I will be the one to adjust. Sooner or later, i’ll get used to it. You know what, i envy you sometimes. I envy you because when in a normal day, you have someone who will chat you and tell “chikas”. Aside from me, you have other people whom you can lean to. You have other people whom you can hangout with. Why do I feel like alone ((when I’m not really alone)) whenever we fight? It’s like I have no one to tell how I am feeling. It’s hard to cry myself to sleep. It’s hard that I’ll just cry all of a sudden just because I exploded. I could hardly prevent myself from crying these days. What’s more hurtful is when I am crying and you’re still, “ano ba naman yan riza”, “wag dito”, “nakakahiya riza” and such. Yep. I got those words instead of a simple hug. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING FRAGILE UGH. I’m sorry if i cry a lot. I know you’re sick of seeing me cry, I am sorry. It also sucks that breaking up is always your solution in every problem whenever we argue. Can’t you think of other solution? Is this really how you escape from problems? Dude, no. every problem needs people trying to understand each other and talking it over nicely. Why is that whenever we fight, you always bring back the major mistake I’ve done to you though it’s not related at all with what we are arguing at? Please, don’t. It’s so irrelevant. The two of us, we do make mistakes. Let us accept it and learn from it. Don’t try to get angry just because you made a mistake. You did it, stand for it and make up for it. Despite those shits, I always love you and I’ll not give up on this relationship. Never. I will be with you on your journey and will constantly support you. You will always have me whenever you want to rant or share your blessings. Whenever you’re feeling something unusual, don’t hesitate to tell or consult me. i will always listen to your problems. Just don’t take problems alone. Remember that I am here. Don’t give me the answer “I’m okay” when deep down in my heart I know that you’re not, so please do tell me everything that bothers you and we’ll try to fix it. Thank you for seeing the beautiful in me. I always appreciate everything you've done for me. For me, you are more than enough. 

to my used-to-be-best-friends-slash-sisters-by-heart, 

Even though I don’t talk to you anymore, thank you for always missing me and thinking of me. Thank you for always asking how I am doing. I miss you sometimes, when I’m so alone. I miss hearing “uy b punta tayo sa ganito ganyan”, or “bataan ka? photoshoot tayo”, or “uy may chika kami sayo” and many more. Thank you for still treating me as your friend. I miss having a company whom I can really cry on and will not leave me until I’m okay, someone who will give me advices and listen to my kadramahans in life. I miss you whenever I see a group of friends. But maybe, some things just don’t last. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault why everything turned out this way. I’m sorry we have to part ways. I’m sorry we have to go on our own. I’m sorry I ruined our dreams. I’m sorry I broke my promises. Please understand me. Sooner or later, I'll get used to it. It's a challenge for me, I guess. To be strong enough. It hurts to cry alone and to comfort myself when I'm sad. But I have to deal with the fact that when things are messed up, I only have myself ((aside from my boyfriend)). You see, I have friends but I could hardly open up to them because 1. They don't completely know me 2. I havent shown them the whole me 3. It's hard to start over 4. I always have what ifs. I want them to meet the whole me. I just dont know how.

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until when will i hide 

in the darkness of the bathroom 

crying until there’s no more tears left 

until no one sees 

until everybody’s gone 

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I miss my old self. The "always g" self, the "happy go lucky self", the "always happy no problems self", the "optimistic" self and the "strong" self. I know that when i have already recovered from the incident, my old self will be back. But when is that? I can't wait. I've been waiting. I miss how i laugh and kid around like there's no one around me. I miss how i smile genuinely. Fuck the riza right now, she always cry and its bullshit. And i will always hate the riza right now. I just wish my mom is here because her hug and kiss can heal everything. 😪

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I know. I love you and I will always do and I’m sorry. I loved you so much that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I may or may not regret it, yet, I’m still sorry. You know, I will always love you no matter what and I’m a hundred percent sure of that. It’s just that I don’t know if you could ever forgive and wait for me. I hope you do because I’m still hoping that it’s you and me until the end. 

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this picture is very worthy and valid; this person is very perfect 

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my favorite part of your body :-( haven’t you realized that i do always stare at your eyes? 

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would you lend me your hand, for always? 

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i love every bit of your body

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baby, kiss me until dawn 

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that hand is just for me, and mine alone. 

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those thick strips of your hair, i love it though. 

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can you hear it? the beat of my heart screaming for your name?