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you gotta be as gay as possible on the computer otherwise alan turing died for nothing

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‘bread is bad for you’ ‘rice is bad for you’ sorry im not subscribing to the idea that staple grains that have been integral to cultures for centuries are evil. i love you carbs

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Step on your grave- cinderellas castle by starkid

@humorisstoredinthetits @fxtion-fweax @daily-heathers @actuallynickels

ATTENTION

If you see this you are OBLIGATED to reblog w/ the song currently stuck in your head :)

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To my uk trans people and allies out there.

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drawing my favorite reprise from the musical

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Reblog daily for health and prosperity

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Veronica when the Heathers are getting a little too annoying

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got caught giving a fuck. embarrassing.

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McNamara: You know what? I've never seen Jason scared.

Duke: That's true. Weird.

Heather, rolling her eyes while waving them off: Pfft, Jason.

Heather, squinting: Jason the egg.

Heather: I could scare him.

Veronica, chuckling: Oh, ho, ho, ho, how would you do it?

Heather, smirking: Easy.

Heather, pretending to swing: Come at him with an axe.

- minutes later -

Heather, waiting outside for Jason to show up with an axe while the girls sit inside watching:

Heather, running across the street: Jason!-

Heather, gets hit by a semi truck:

[robinero]

Poly Heathers + Veronica and Surplus Headcannons

Chandler:

She's picked up archery as a hobby, definitely not because Veronica made her watch the Hunger Games with her and she thought it was cool, not at all

She's not very good at it but she's still learning

Speaking of the Hunger Games, the political overtones went totally over her head and she had no idea it was an allegory for anything until Veronica pointed it out

She questioned how Chandler was so media-illiterate that she couldn't see how the Hunger Games was meant to represent yada yada yada until Chandler interrupted her, reminding her that she had Fleming for English, during their unit on Pride and Prejudice they didn't even read the book and Fleming spent the entire time talking about how she wished someone like Mr. Darcy would come and sweep her off her feet

If she wants attention she will sit on the couch and sigh, doing it over and over again and getting louder each time until someone gives her what she wants

The others banned her from playing online competitive games after several incidents where she got so pissed off from losing that she started breaking shit

She is absolutely horrible with children

One time her and JD had to babysit one of Martha's cousins bc she was sick and they were the only ones available on such a short notice

It went about as well as you could expect, that is to say horribly

When the cousin started crying, neither JD nor Chandler knew what to do to calm her down and so proceeded to spent hours trying everything they could think of, but nothing worked

Finally JD had the bright idea to call Veronica's parents who asked if they had tried holding her

They had not tried that

Besides the obvious not knowing how to take care of them, Chandler just feels really uncomfortable around them

She's never been around people younger than her, not having any siblings or cousins or anything, so she never really learned how one is supposed to act around them

That's part of the reason that she doesn't want to have kids

Duke:

She fucking hates Harry Potter, not even because JK Rowling is a TERF bitch, she just genuinely hates the novels

She criticizes their poor writing, inconsistent use of magic, illogical character decisions, pretty much everything about them

This upsets Mac bc she wants to go to Harry Potter land at Universal but Duke adamantly refuses

She wanted to read them so bad when she was a kid but bc of her dyslexia she couldn't, so when she was finally able to when she got her glasses she was so disappointed

She's afraid of horses

Not because she had a bad experience with them or anything, she just think's they're creepy

Chandler will make fun of her for this, grabbing one of Mac's My Little Pony plushes and saying "ohhhh Duke watch out, its a scary pony, oooh its gonna bite your face off"

Duke will then kick her until she stops

She bought one of those blow-up Among Us costumes for Halloween one year and uses it to scare the ever living crap out of her wives

She'll just stand there, menacingly in the dark until someone passes by before jumping out at them

Chandler got fed up with it and stabbed the costume until it could no longer hold air

Mac:

She was the kind of person who hilighted everything in her textbooks, making it completely pointless

She believed that it was illegal to turn the lights on in the car while you were driving well into her 20s

She puts stickers on literally everything, her laptop, suitcases, her car's back window has so many that she can barely see out of it

She loves pastels, everything she owns is in a pastel color, even her car is a pastel yellow

She still sleeps with stuffed animals, her favorite being this life-sized Mareep that Veronica got her one year for Christmas

This thing is fucking huge, like 45in

Chandler was like "Macky, honey, baby, you cannot bring that in bed, that thing isn't gonna fit" but Mac said "you can't make me do anything" and brought it anyway

It did not in fact fit but that didn't stop Mac

She doesn't actually like croquet and thinks that its kinda boring but plays it anyway bc Chandler likes it

At least she thinks Chandler likes it

In reality neither of them like it and only play it because they picked it up when first creating the Heathers as a way to look sophisticated

She pronounces some words weird for no reason at all

Like Piñata is "pin-yah-tah" or Bunny is "bun-neigh"

Speaking of bunnies, she buys a bunch of little outfits for her rabbit and will post pics all over social media

Munchkin hates them but puts up with it bc he gets treats after

She is a self declared "pet parent" and refers to Munchkin as her son

She has a self-imposed bedtime of 10pm and will not stay up a minute later if she doesn't have to

She's terrible at hiding her emotions, just by taking a look at her you can tell how she's feeling

Veronica:

She drools in her sleep

It is for that reason that Chandler sleeps on the other side of the bed from her

She is an absolute fiend for Buccee's

If they are going on a trip and one is on the way she will pester whoever is driving until they stop there, before proceeding to spend an hour walking around the store while munching on Beaver Nuggets

She's extremely clumsy and often will run into things (or people)

She's lost count of how many phones she'd had to replace because she dropped them without thinking

The Heathers think she's really good at chess

Veronica has no fucking idea how they came to think that, she's never played it in her entire life and never mentioned it, but despite this they brag to everyone that their wife is so good at it

She's actually kind of a dumbass, she's book smart but not very street smart

She's super into alt-history and has created many different scenarios as thought exercises

The four of them went go see the Minecraft Movie and Veronica got them kicked out after she started acting a fool during the Chicken Jockey scene

The Heathers have never been more embarrassed to be with her than they were in that moment

She made a Discord server for her friends and the Heathers to hopefully help decrease the tension a little bit more

It turned out nothing like she was expecting

Duke and JD just spam terrible brainrot memes while Betty and Chandler watch in disgust

Meanwhile Martha and Mac are just hanging out in one of the other channels talking about My Little Pony or whatever

She identified as emo for about a week before she moved past it and she looks back at that period with much shame

Her parents took a bunch of pictures of her with her emo getup and threaten to show the Heathers them

They desperately want to see them

Elon Musk blocked her on Twitter after she kept ratioing him so hard

She's a huge fan of Star Wars and has bought many lightsabers

She mainly uses them to whack her wives

By wives I mean Chandler and occasionally Duke

[robinero]

Poly Heathers & Veronica and Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just a 'meh' holiday for the four of them

Its smack dab in the middle of Halloween and Christmas, and when it comes around they're ready for it to be Christmastime already, especially Mac

Chandler never celebrated it with her family growing up, her mother would usually get drunk or try and get some early Black Friday deals, so she ended up celebrating it with Mac and her Dad

With Mac, Thanksgiving was just another obstacle until her favorite holiday, Christmas, and she was desperate to get done with it so they could put up the tree

Duke's family never celebrated it either, despite her family living in America for years they never adopted that particular custom

Veronica did celebrate it, but it was never one of her favorite holidays

All this to say the four of them don't have a big celebration for the holiday

They invite over Veronica's friends, her parents, and Mac's dad for lunch, each of them bringing a side while Chandler is in charge of the turkey

Her first few attempts did not go very well, apparently its harder to cook a turkey then one would imagine, so they ended up having frozen pizza for their main dish

While Chandler is cooking the turkey Veronica will go up and act surprised to see it before turning to Duke and exclaiming about how horrible it is and that "they needed to go back in time to get turkey OFF THE MENU"

Chandler, sick to death of Veronica's terrible memes, then proceeds to grab a spatula and chase the both of them around the house, swatting at them while they attempt to flee, laughing their asses off the whole time

Come to think of it that might have something to do with why the turkey didn't end up right for the first few years

Their guests come around midday and they get the food ready, before they all go to sit

In spirit of the holiday they go around and say what they are thankful for

But like with most things, this cannot be simple

Being that there are so many of them, they tend to keep their statements short, well, almost all of them

Chandler noticed that Duke's were always ever so slightly longer than hers and so next year she went on a small tangent

In response Duke took even longer

This continued for a few years until Chandler spent a good 15 minutes ranting about how much she loves Mac and is thankful for her

Said girl was blushing so hard while the rest of them groaned bc she just wouldn't shut up and the food was getting gold

JD was trying to sneak some ham without anyone noticing while this was going on

After that fiasco they made a rule; your thanks could be no longer than 30 seconds long

Once they've finished eating they head to the living room and watch some TV while Chandler breaks out the wine

They watch the usual stuff like A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade while just spending time with the people they love

After a while they go get the tree

The tree is easily a story tall and takes the combined efforts of everyone there to get it set up

Once that's done Mac is basically pushing everyone out the house so they can start decorating for Christmas

If it were up to her they would've started as soon as Halloween was over but Chandler insisted on waiting until Thanksgiving

She rushes up to the attic to grab all of their Christmas decorations and will not let the others rest until everything is up, a process which takes a ridiculous amount of time with how big their house is

But since it makes Mac so happy the others are willing to put up with it

Sorry this wasn't that long, Thanksgiving is such a boring holiday that I couldn't think of all that much to add. And just like Mac, I'm ready for it to be over so it can be Christmastime.

[robinero]

Date Night

This is just a little idea I had, and its also my first attempt at actually writing something, so please enjoy.

Heather Chandler sighed for what had to have been the third time in the past five minutes.

It was Saturday, meaning that date night had rolled around once again, a wonderful time where she could break free from the seemingly never-ending list of chores at home to spend some quality time with one of her wives. This week was her and Veronica's turn, and she was looking forward to being alone with the blue-clad girl.

She WAS looking forward to it.

Because unfortunately, it was also Veronica's turn to choose what they did for their date night, and so instead of having a nice meal at a fancy restaurant or something along those lines, she found herself at the mall, more specifically the LEGO store, watching Veronica browse the various overpriced pieces of plastic.

She didn't necessarily mind going to the mall, sure she would prefer the restaurant, but she understood that compromises needed to be made and that it was only fair that Veronica get to choose sometimes. No, what she minded was standing awkwardly in the middle of the store, desperately hoping that the child screaming just a bit away would shut up already while she watched her 20-something year old wife debate which toy she should get.

Veronica walked from one side of the store to the other, clearly deep in thought, just as she had done several times now. Eventually Chandler's already thin patience snapped, turning to Veronica and exclaiming "Can you just pick one already for fuck's sake?"

Veronica's eyes narrowed as her eyes darted to the nearest child, before looking back at Chandler and replying "Language Chan, there's kids here".

Chandler rolled her eyes before exasperatedly stating "Veronica, we have been here for 45 minutes. 45. Minutes. Just pick whatever set that's eventually gonna end up in tiny little pieces all over our house you want and let's go".

Veronica shot her an offended look but began to speed up her search regardless. Finally, she seemed to come to a decision.

"I'm gonna bite the bullet" said Veronica before making her way over to the check-out counter and after a quick exchange the employee made their way to the back.

They emerged a few minutes later with a massive black box, much to Chandler's horror.

"Veronica. What the hell is that?" exclaimed Chandler, exasperation evident on her voice.

With a shit-eating grin Veronica replied "Its the UCS Millennium Falcon of course. Been wanting this bad boy for a while now and now it's mine".

"Where are you even going to put that thing, I know there's no room in that goblin cave you call a room" asked Chandler as the employee handed the bag containing the set to Veronica, who struggled to carry it.

"Oh that's the fun part, see I saw this TikTok where someone built the Death Star hangar with this set in the middle of it like the scene from A New Hope inside of a coffee table, and I wanted to replicate it"

Chandler screeched to a halt as she turned to Veronica before declaring "In no universe am I letting you put that (she gestures to the set) in our living room"

"Too bad, Mac and Duke both agreed to it, so I guess it's happening". Veronica shrugged and continued to walk to put the bag in the car.

As she says this, said women, who also happened to be at the mall for their own date night, made their way over to them, hoping to see how their date was going. Instead, they were met with an enraged Chandler, who demanded to know why they agreed to Veronica's absolutely inane proposition.

Mac and Duke gave each other a look, before promptly turning around after Mac said "you're on your own here Ronnie".

"TRAITORS!" Veronica yelled back before seeing the anger on her wife's face, deciding it best to let her cool off. She attempted to run to the car, but both the heavy weight of the set and Chandler grabbing the collar of her hoodie put a stop to that.

"Oh no you don't" exclaimed Chandler, before dragging her over to a table in the food court and questioning why she thought that it would be acceptable to have that in their living room and why she thought that she could do this without her permission, oblivious to the fact that the Millennium Falcon would end up in a coffee table in her living room, regardless of her protests otherwise.

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Heathers beach day headcanons :)

1. Heather Duke does NOT go anywhere near the water and she brings a stack of books and magazines and stuff to keep herself occupied. She volunteers to look after all their belongings and stuff

2. Heather McNamara is the best swimmer from all the Heathers like duh

3. Heather Duke likes to collect pretty little seashells :)

4. Veronica doesn't wear a bikini because she doesn't tan very well and she gets all blistered and shit so she wears one of those unc beachwear stuff like a long-sleeved cotton shirt and a pair of three quarter swimming pants and stuff.

5. Veronica also wears a bucket hat and a pair of sunglasses but Heather Chandler wants her to look like a loser girlfriend and she forces her to switch the bucket hat out with a backward baseball cap

6. They make Veronica put the umbrella up

7. Heather Duke also doesn't wear a bikini because she feels insecure and stuff and I made a post ages ago about how she would rather wear a sundress and straw hat and stuff and aodveoev [screams in simp]

8. Heather Chandler intentionally brings a big ahh red cooler FULL of Coke and stuff and she puts it right next to Heather Duke to trigger her and to get her to cave into her temptations and have a drinking spree right there

9. Jokes on Chandler because Heather Duke brings an EXTRA large bottle full of lemon water and cucumbers and chia seeds and stuff

10. Heather McNamara likes to draw stuff in the sand

11. She also is really good at surfing

12. Heather Chandler spends all her time sunbathing and tanning and only goes into the sea when the waves are calm so they don't mess up her hair.

13. Heather Chandler is wearing a red bikini, and those red heart-shaped sunglasses

14. She HATES it whenever other random beach goers step on their beach mat

15. She likes to make Heather Duke look at her and... yk... test her out and tempt her

16. Mac and Veronica try to coax Heather Duke into the ocean, but they have to hold her hand and drag her over to the shore and she only puts her toes in

17. And then Chandler pushes her forward and she almost flies in but Mac grabs her back

18. Heather McNamara and Veronica bury Heather Duke's feet in the sand

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Imagine this:

The Heathers + Veronica were all in Heather Chandler's bedroom, trying on outfits and stuff for fun. Usually, this was Heather Duke's least favourite activity to do with her clique, and that day was no different. Grudgingly, she took her shirt off when she saw one of Heather Chandler's old shirts that she liked, and decided to try it on.

No one really paid her any attention, and for the most part, her body looked reasonably normal, since she's BULIMIC rather than anorexic, so she binges a lot as well as purges. She didn't look nearly as skeletal as most people with severe eating disorders.

However, as soon as she tried the shirt on, it fell straight over her shoulders and pooled down at her feet. She looked down in pleasant awe, a smile immediately taking over her face. The other Heathers, however, were less than happy. Chandler's eyebrows raised, McNamara's jaw dropped and Veronica's eyes immediately raked all over Heather Duke's body.

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Heather Chandler: (in a sickeningly sweet but mocking tone) oh, Heather, aren't you looking for something?

Heather Duke, with a sigh: what did you put out of my reach now? Cause I have a lot of things and I also have a lot of places which I can't reach either.

Heather Chandler: well, let's just hope you can reach your sleeping kitten before he reaches the ground when he falls off the top of the fridge.

Heather Duke:

Heather Chandler:

Heather Duke: YOU DID WHAT-?

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Heather Chandler, huddled up on the counter: Where are your little furballs, Heather?

Heather Duke, walking into the kitchen: oh, they'r- why are you on the counter?

Heather Chandler: well, you do know that this is my house too and I have as much rights to be on this counter as you do to be on that floor.

Heather Duke:

Heather Chandler:

Heather Duke: so why do you want to know where my cats are?

Heather Chandler: so they can make themselves useful!

Heather Duke:

Heather Chandler:

Heather Duke: (eyebrows raise and she gives an 'are you serious?' look to Heather Chandler as she realises what's going on)

Heather Duke: where's the moth, Heather?

Heather Chandler: (huddling up tighter and backing further onto the counter, against the wall)

Heather Chandler: ... it's hovering around the floor by the table.

Not my prompt!

I've seen other people use this, but um... Chanduke aosbejsv

[robinero]

Heather C: Chandler.

Heather D: Duke.

Heather C: Chandler.

Heather D: Duke.

Heather C: Chandler

Heather D: Duke

Heather C: CHANDLER!

Heather D: DUKE!

Veronica, in the living room: what's this all about? Goodness. (Shakes head and rubs temple, trying to complete her crossword)

Heather McNamara, casually: they're just fighting over whose last name sounds richer. I personally think 'Duke' does.

Heather Duke: see? Even Heather agrees

Heather Chandler: shut up, Heather

Heather Duke: sorry, Heather.