rolo - Tumblr blog

rolo · 1 year ago

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Hello, I miss you.

I don't post here anymore. Clearly. My last actual post was saying I don't post here. But I logged in the other day for funsies and saw that some people I knew back in the day still use Tumblr! It makes me really happy to see people I love still kicking it. And that people are still being passionate and creative. I miss being a part of this.

Anyway, it got me really nostalgic and I wanted to do something cathartic so I wrote a long ass letter thing to myself. I also wanted an easier way to send it to some people, so it's ended up here.

I really don't expect anyone will engage with this, but if you see this/do engage with it, hello!! I miss you! My life is chaos and I can scarcely believe I had the time to do this (it's because I have had 4 days off work with like, parainfluenza or some shit). If you can be arsed, I'd love to hear from you. One day, I will get time to send people messages to tell them that I still think fondly of them, but that is going to have to wait until after physician exams (which I better fucking pass or I will actually go insane) and can do it with the amount of time and dedication it actually takes to be sincere and heartfelt.

I still talk a lot of shit, hey?

My life's changed so much compared to when I was active online. I have a wife, a son, a cat (I swore I'd never get a cat!), a different career, and a significant lack of free time. All of which explains why I am not active in fandom. I'm immensely satisfied with my life. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much that makes me happy each day (even though my son does not sleep (he is otherwise perfect) and I currently have a horrible cold). But I still miss fandom. I also miss consuming media! I just have minimal time. Between a full time job (which is actually more than full time; thanks, health care system), my wife, a child with seemingly boundless energy, maintaining a house, attending to the bare minimum of life admin and studying for physician exams, I generally have like, what, 30 minutes a day where I am not otherwise engaged? So I spend that time drinking tea with my wife and having an adult conversation, to stop her going insane from having to read Spot Goes to the Park for the umpteenth time. And, you know, she's my wife so I actually just enjoy hanging out with her.

So it leaves very little time for consuming new media. And thus no ability to engage in new fandoms. I don't really have time for fandom, anyway, even old ones. And a lot of my old fandoms have died, and I don't have the time to seek out the last bastions of fans and then try and make new friends. Which makes me sad because I love media! And I love talking about media with other people who also love media!

But I also feel as though I find it so hard nowadays to find something which appeals to me. Entertainment, for as long as I have been alive anyway, has always been a part of the capitalist machine. But in recent years, it feels as though it has become this way even moreso, with media designed specifically to be profitable at the expense of being creative or truly innovative. This has meant games are pivoting away from standalone stories to DLC models and live service models, anime is a lot of isekai shit (I am out of the loop, though, so maybe we're over that??). There is good stuff out there, but legally streaming it all would require me to take out a second mortgage. So I've just been relying on YouTube to watch random videos when I can, and have consumed the odd series or two.

It just all feels very lonely. And makes me wonder what the media landscape will look like when my son grows up. Will we be able to bond over a mutual appreciation for the media we enjoy, or am I going to look at what he consumes with bemusement? And if I try and share my favourite things with him, will he thing it's a load of shit and go off and play the latest version of Fortnite? I hope not. At the very least, I like to think that some of my favourite stuff can transcend generations a la Star Wars or Back to the Future, which I shared with my parents.

My other hope is books. Books are subject to trends, too, but there will always be large communities who enjoy particular genres, and thus always new, quality works in those genres. And my son loves books, so here is a glimmer of hope. Hopefully, we do move past Spot and onto something more robust.

(As an aside, the blurbs for children's books are hilarious. For example, in Spot Goes to the Park, he loses his ball since it goes into a lake (because Helen the hippo has butterfingers) and SPOILERS, a duck brings it back. But the blurb - which is just about as long as the damn book itself - makes it sound like you'll be reading some Agatha Christie level mystery. Love it. #parentthings #dopeoplestillusehashtags?)

II.

I logged into Dreamwidth and LiveJournal the other day, just for shits and giggles. It was partly to look at the icons I'd made (sidenote: I actually got pretty good at that? Like, I made some quality shit) and partly to reminisce. I clicked on a few old friend's profiles to reminisce. I noticed that someone I was really close to, but lost contact with, had posted 2 years ago! They had a link to their other socials, and they're actively posting there.

I always worried that something had happened to them, so it's wonderful to know they're okay (or at least, alive). I think the reason we lost contact was probably me. They were going through some heavy stuff - events in their life and significant mental health diagnoses - and their coping strategies were less than ideal (i.e. use of substances). Not a judgement, but it's well documented that substance use as a coping mechanism is not good for you and exacerbates concurrent mental health problems. Anyway, I thought I was being helpful by suggesting they wind back on the substances because of that and interactions with their meds. It was well intentioned, but I'm sure that it probably did not come across that way. I mean, I was a 21 year old who thought I knew how the world worked. Obviously I didn't.

I think I'm still glad I tried, though. If something happened, and I hadn't, I'd have felt terribly guilty. I still do feel guilty for assumedly causing hurt, but I think it would pale in comparison to guilt for not having tried to help a friend in trouble, and then something awful happen.

Now that I know they're still around, part of me wants to reach out. Not to rekindle a friendship, but to let them know I still think of them from time to time, that they were an important person in my life, and I'm sorry if I hurt them. I wouldn't need a reply, it would just be to clear the air. But then, if they cut me out for a reason, does suddenly reappearing make them hurt all over again if they remember who I am and what I did? Largely I do want to reach out to try and lessen the hurt, but a small part of me hopes that they would forgive me and reply, and I'll feel better. Is having this guilt, and knowing they no longer want to be my friend, actually something I just need to live with a consequence of my action? Is my seeking to apologise and let them know they're important actually just self serving?

And again, is what I'm really after is them replying and us reminiscing about the good old days and we strike up a friendship again? I mean, that would be amazing. I truly loved this person. They were kind to me, they were wickedly funny and helped improve my self confidence. In their own way, they built me up. I remember many of our interactions leaving me in hysterics. We wrote letters to each other, and would talk endlessly about our shared passions. They were so dear to me, and I desperately hoped that to them, I was even fractionally as dear. So losing them was a big blow, and made me wonder if it was just one sided. Towards the time we cut off contact, they were making fast friends with a lot of new people, and I just wanted to be a part of that, too. Enjoying their company. I felt left out. Messages started to lack replies, until just nothing.

But that's life, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't have the time to actually be that much of a friend to anyone at the moment. So even if I did get a reply, any exchange would probably be superficial and/or have significant amounts of time between replies.

So I guess in the end, I'll probably just leave things as they are. But I'm still happier than I was, knowing they're okay.

III.

I mentioned before I primarily watch YouTube when I have a spare moment, or am holding a sleeping child. A lot of what I watch is actually let's plays or first watches of things I've played/watched before. It's easy to do as I don't have to pay super close attention as I know generally what's going on, and I can stop and start without too jarring a break (my wife reads and says it's really jarring/frustrating to have to drop it suddenly for a crying baby at the climax!). But I think the reason I have gravitated towards this as my primary "genre" for now is kind of an amalgamation of the above. It's something I know I enjoy, and it lets me participate in fandom in a passive kind of way, and share in the excitement over a piece of media like I used to back in the day, either during my first time with it, or when new members of a fandom arrived. The most recent series I completed after months was a first watch of Code Geass because I am predictable as fuck (I am the Code Geass meme. If Code Geass has 1 fan, it's me. If Code Geass has no fans, I'm dead). It was really nice seeing people excited about the show and theorising about what was coming just like back in the day! As opposed to now when people binge an entire series, or just post horny pictures on the Code Geass subreddit.

It made me really nostalgic for the days of LiveJournal (hence my login). I miss being a part of a community where people journeyed through media together, and there was the opportunity to get to know them outside of that setting through their journals. Not that you can't do that now, but platforms such as Reddit (and to a lesser extent, Tumblr), where fandom is now concentrated, make things much more impersonal and difficult to actually make friends. Again, not that I have the time, but I miss the magic of forums and LiveJournal and friending memes and knowing what was going on in the lives of my fellow fans! And making icons and graphics and reading fanfiction. It was such a magical time on the internet.

I don't think that will happen again in my lifetime. And I don't think I'll have the time again to engage in that until I retire, haha. But I miss it. I miss people being as excited as me about things. I miss memes. I miss making new friends from around the world.

IV.

Anyway, if you got this far, like wow?? Actually thank you?? I'm guessing if you did, it's probably because we were close in the past. I'm sorry I've been shit at staying in touch. I know I'm prone to exaggeration/melodrama, but it's actually accurate that I have minimal time available to me. This post has been brought to you by sick leave and the fact I'm too sick to properly study.

Please drop me a line if you want. I'd love it. Even if I don't know you, I'd love it.

I hope you're well.

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