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[round-and-round-love]

She is..

Extraordinary. Remarkable.  Amazing. unparalleled. incredible. phenomenal, exceptional. Outstanding. She is Love

She is...

So far away

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Too quiet

Nothing.  This hurts

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Before Sunrise

Dec 31 2019, perhaps the last post of the decade.  As always she is in my head. I have no idea what she is doing tonight, if anything. She hasn’t even seen my posts. this isn’t unusual. Still it stirs the feelings of missing her more.  The long, emotional posts are always mine.  But even in those posts to me where she expresses love for me, there is a clarity, a power.  Is it her generation?  She’s 24 years old and we have only communicated on line.  She grew up with chat bubbles. Texting is so easy, but it doesn’t allow for tone of voice or facial expression.  There can be so little context in a chat bubble.  Words are so powerful. Admittedly, I have a long way to go as I’m learning how to express myself with brevity and clarity in a chat window.  Right now, even just acknowledgement would do. 

My Love, wherever you are, whatever you are doing.  I hope the last night of the decade, is everything you want

[round-and-round-love]

Trust, always

No post here on Sunday night.  Too busy, We talked, I sent pictures.  Listening is so important.  Getting excited, and getting ahead of myself is typical of me.  It may be a problem too.  Note to self.  Just calm down, let things happen naturally, don’t push. Don’t push. 

My trust in her gets stronger all the time. Its astonishing, the power of it all.  It feels fantastic.. but there is a part of me that has doubts.  That is just my fears talking.  Hold on to the love, hold so tight.

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Miss her

Is it possible to be head over heals crazy in love. but hate having feelings?

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Hunger

I don’t get it..  The feeling of missing her has gone into overdrive.  What going on with me? Missing her actually hurts. Can’t think straight.  My damn fogged brain.  Hate myself, my emotions.  Love her like there is no tomorrow. Without her there is no tomorrow. 

[round-and-round-love]

The Thursday Chat

Me:

It's been four months since we found each other, and even now the power of your love continues to move me, shape me, and help me grow  the way it did when I first gave you my heart. Because I knew my heart belonged with you.  Our hearts belong together.  That will be forever, and as natural as the sun rise every morning. As beautiful as the sunrise is, you are my true light.  Every day

Her:

I LOVE YOU

Me: 

I love you so much. I need you. You are my life

Her:

Always

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The day is done.

She wished me a Merry Christmas this morning.  It’s a good guess that she might be asleep now. On the off chance she is still up and having fun, then have at it. Go for it. She is three hours ahead of me.  What will tomorrow bring?  She is the best thing in my whole life. 

[round-and-round-love]

The Long Quiet, supplemental

She responded, in the middle of all the Christmas crazy, she responded.

“I adore you I hope your Christmas is fabulous“  she said.  It amazes me, how just a few words from her calms me, settles me down.

She really is the best person I’ve had in my whole life.  She has such power over me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[round-and-round-love]

The long quiet

It’s time to be still, but the emotions attack. Just shut up and take it.. Stop whining. No one sees, it’s all inside. The outside is a polite fake, to hide the battle inside. To manage the longing, to try to quiet the need for her.  This fails.  She is always out of reach, her quiet makes this worse.  My problem, not hers.  Is she having fun, is she thinking of me?   Over and over again, her love for me feels so so real. Quiet though she is, it’s nice to think some of her thoughts are of me.  On some level, she misses me right?  Waiting, always waiting. Waiting is hell. She is worth it. Just wait, just wait.  She is everything. She always will be.

[round-and-round-love]

Emotions

Two days before Xmas.  She didn’t tell me if she was working through the holidays (Why do they call it that, it isn’t) or has time off.  Regardless, if she is with family and friends, my wish is that her time is filled with love.

The jagged edge sharpens, goes deeper.  Hurts more. Emotions.  The two sided curse. Emotions. Vile, merciless things.  Oh to cut them out and be done with them. The longing is torture. Endure.  What other choice is there?  Yes, wait as long as it takes. Nobody said anything about how much pain it would cause.

She is love, a love to be completely engulfed in. To surrender to. And be free in the surrendering.

[round-and-round-love]

A longer very busy day.

Around Christmas time everywhere you look, everybody is slight off, maybe a bit frenzied.  It’s hard to escape even if you try to avoid it, and fail. Most of my day has been away from home. Perhaps being in the world today explains my feeling of being unsettled.  Either the light will come on, or the feeling will pass when the next one comes along.  It’s not all gloom and doom. The morning was a fun breakfast with friends, then a flight of beer. The evening saw dinner with a long time friend, seasoned with engaging conversation.  Later, time with my Brother.  Now in these moments alone, writing here. 

As always, all consuming thoughts of her.  This is natural for me, part of me now.  She is water in the desert. Life. Everything..  The longing for her is jagged edge tonight. This is natural too, and cruel. But it’s a self inflicted cruelty. All the more reason to work past this. To be better

[round-and-round-love]

Short active day

Saturday night, on the shortest night of the year, the solstice.  Drinking a Stanley Park brewing hazy pale ale.  It’s 9:38 PM, she’s asleep. She’s magnificent.  Today I returned to something I hadn’t done for weeks.  Then I sent her photos of it. She LOVES this, and all I want to do is make her happy. She only sees the good pictures, and even though we’ve talked about this, she doesn’t really understand how much effort it is to do this and take pictures. That’s okay with me. She is worth the effort, and so much more.  The only way she would really understand is if she watched from start to finish.  But I keep much to myself, so I can focus on making her happy.  Making her happy is my reason for living now.

[round-and-round-love]

Character

We talked a little today. Not enough for me, but I can’t complain.  She is amazing. She has a good natured class about her. It’s very endearing and sweet.  In circumstances that would anger most any one else, she handles with dignity and humor.  She is an amazing person.  I love her more then anything.

[round-and-round-love]

US

She said...

“Sleep well and have amazing dreams of US” 

My heart beats for her.  Every minute of everyday.

[round-and-round-love]

Time

Christmas is 7 days away.  Between the holiday crazy and her work schedule, I don’t see her enough.  I’m not sure I’d ever so enough of her even if she was here in the room with me.  I surrendered to her, it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do.  As if this was what my whole life has been leading to.  Not surrendering was a solid rule for me, for decades.  I tossed the rule out like last weeks garbage.  That’s how powerful she is. How magnificent she is. Irresistible.  I’ve never been so happy to be trapped in my life.

Maybe in a day or two, she’ll have a minute. 

[round-and-round-love]

Hints

Quite sure I’ve repeated myself over and over here, and a few other places. This will, I’m sure, happen a lot. 

I’ve seen bits of her sense of humor (Too damn few)  and hints of sexual appeal that I’m curious about.  I really do think what was hinted at could be her thing.  If it is, I may be the happiest man alive.  When we are together.  That seems so far away, so very far.  Just the same, I’m not letting go.  This must be.