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[rubyflowerpetals]

friday 26/02/24

I feel so alone. i would be lying if i said i've never felt this way, because this is how i felt at my worst. tbh the loneliness never really left, it just seemed subdued.

i thought it would be different.

my window is open and it's cold

i feel pathetic

why won't they ever ask any questions

ttyl

[rubyflowerpetals]

wednesday 14/02/24

Today was Valentines day and it was so amazing. I am sitting here so full of love!!

I wore such a nice outfit today which was so pink and a little silly, but i felt so nice in it. It was so lovely seeing everyone else dressed in pinks and reds too. That's one of my favourite things about Valentines day.

This entry is a new sort of entry, usually I am sad and have too many thoughts. This time I am just so full of love for my friends!!!!

Me and Ida were together for a majority of the day and we just had a really nice chill time eating lunch and then just sitting and waiting for television to be over. I love being with people one on one, i love having chill and comfortable moments with my friends.

While with Ida, we came up with an idea that I would take over the KNUS instagram account and post some cute valentines day pictures!! I posted a card, myself, Trine and their group and then also Sofieke and Jorik sent a picture all on their own!! I think it was such a cute idea, i am so glad they allowed me to do it hihi. the last post of the day was of the four of us spelling out LOVE.

Then after that I had a similar moment with Chloé, we sat together a bit, looked at a weird guy's letterboxd and just had a nice time.

Then a meeting was over and we went to my place to have dinner and make cookies!! it was so lovely, we made so many cookies, they are really good, but it was so tiring. i have been made buff by the mixing of the dough. i was more physically affectionate today which was just such a nice feeling. it felt really good to allow myself to be comfortable enough to do that. it's so good. at some in the night we started calling each other husband. it was so silly, but also it made me feel so loved!! it's a silly and unserious nickname, but something about that is so absolutely lovely to me. i asked if we could keep it going and Virginia and Chloé said that we can hihi, so if it comes up, i might. today was the first day where i really experienced how nice it feels to be affectionate with my friends and i hope i get to repeat this.

valentines day continues to be my favourite holiday (this apparently started all the way back in 2020, so this is my fifth year of being weirdly obsessed with this holiday). i am definitely not complaining.

this year i almost forgot about it and didn't really do anything, but i am so happy i suggested the cookies so i got to spend the best valentines day of my love with the people i love the most <3

feeling so loved and loving right now <3

ttyl, xoxo

[rubyflowerpetals]

monday 05/02/24 (2)

motherfucker what do you mean by

you've felt good recently which means you can feel good soon again

????????

fuck you

absolutely made me sob, fuck you

unfair, that is so good, but for now fuck you

ttyl

[rubyflowerpetals]

monday 05/02/24

I know that post that says "trust nothing your brain tells you after 6pm," but when else am I supposed to think and feel?

What I am feeling right now is as true as anything I couuld feel four hours ago, just now it is enchanced by being tired and alone and bored with no distractions. Short hair is amazing, 10/10, recommend.

It is such a pain in the ass feeling the same things over and over again, I am so tired of it, it feels so useless. Especially because as I've seen up until now, I will refuse to do anything about it. At this point it's not even a spiral, it's just going on a highway way too fast and there's no one on the road and it's dark and foggy, and I'm not sure when or where I got in the car or where I am going, and at any point a wall could appear in front of me and I would not be able to do anything about it, but, for now, I am still driving.

Maybe I should never learn how to drive. I once realised that if I wanted to, I could just keep walking and not stop. I fear that I might let those thoughts win if you put me in a metal box and allow me to go fast. I want to go fast. I want to feel something and really feel it, remember it. We once went really fast, I didn't really feel it. We flew a bit I think.

I don't know where I am going. I have no idea where I want to go.

I am laying in bed and wondering if this is really how people feel all the time, because it was, then how is everyone still here? This is a miserable life, people!! Let's let the world do a reset by getting rid of ourselves. She nurtured us and we went and did this thing that no one can comprehend. We cannot hold it in our hands and in our minds. How are we so powerful? We are bullshit little creatures and we got to have such an impact on everything. What the actual fuck. We owe it to earth. Let's fuck off. If this is it, then it's simply not worth it to stay.

Because what the fuck do you mean, this is how it feels?

I should probably speak to someone.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

saturday 03/02/24

I don't have any real thoughts I want to put here. I just found a Latvian photographer Arnis Balcus and his "Myself Friends Lovers And Others" (2000-2004) collection spoke to me. My heart clenched. We have been here. They were young.

// "Latvian Notes" (2008-) //

And that's it.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

wednesday 20/12/23

I don't like who I am here. I have been in Riga for like 24 hours and while getting ready for bed tonight I realised that I don't like who I am here. This was not helped by the fact that for some reason my reflection just looked really weird. Might have been the no glasses wearing thing, who knows. But I looked so strange and unfamiliar. My hair is also doing interesting things. I don't know what that's about. It feels weird being here. I don't understand this place. Because everything feels the same but also nothing is the same. And obviously I am not the first person to feel this way, I'm sure that other people who have moved out to uni and then come back for holidays feel the same, but it didn't feel quite this intense last winter or even during the summer. This time feels different. Not good different. I don't feel like myself here. I think that's all I have to say about that.

I'm going to a movie by myself on friday and then I'll do some sightseeing. Go to some shops, get myself some nice lunch, be on my own. Maybe it'll feel better.

Today was the first time I did the dishes in this house. Feels shit to say that, probably not the best of me, but my mom never said anything. It feels like no one ever says anything here. Maybe that's why I'm so set on communication and why I suck ass at it. But I washed my tea cup so that's that. No one said anything about that either. I guess that's how we live. Kinda sucks, doesn't it?

I think I've lost more weight. I told my mom how much it was. I regret that, wish I hadn't, want to keep it to myself.

I don't think I would've survived staying here tbh

That's that

ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

monday 16/10/23

I was really annoyed at everyone today. People kept interrupting me and talking over me and today I could just not handle that. It was really annoying, i hate finding my friends annoying, it makes me feel bad. I had to walk out of the room at one point. It felt like no one was listening to me, i felt it physically in my body. It was really unpleasant.

I still very much like her, I don't know why to do with it. It is making me stressed that my whole friendship with her is based on a lie or deceit. It isn't, I just like her more than she likes me and that's alright. I am now being delusional and seeing things that most definitely aren't there - she kept her side pressed to mine on saturday after we (three of us) finished watching an episode of sherlock. We both sat up and she kept her side/arm pressed to mine. She usually moves away. Our legs also touched for a long part of the movie. I feel guilty. But when the whole situation about our friends happened (one confessed to the other), she was quite outspoken about how it's alright. I still feel bad though. When do i not feel bad though? I really wanted to kiss her then. fuck

My friend told me they broke up. I feel bad for not knowing what to do. I cannot really ask anyone for advice, I am not allowed to tell other people. I might invite them to do something together. I feel like that would be a correct and good thing to do...

It is so cold now. I am really missing autumn in latvia though, this is not the same. I want to pick berries (!!!!!!). I have never until now felt homesick. I am really focussing on the trip to latvia next summer to cope with this i think. It feels wrong and weird.

I keep checking if she hasn't responded to me. I cannot stop thinking about her. It's a problem. I feel so bad about it.

Matt Maltese made me cry so much today. I was already having a shit day and then i was listening to museum and the lyrics "yes, you might change / but the people you were stayed the same" and i bawled my eyes out. absolutely disgusting

i needed to get these thoughts out of my brain, maybe i'll be able to sleep good tonight (obviously not, but a girl can dream)

i made pancakes today and they were really good

i'm giving my fnaf presentation on friday and i am not ready

my friend didn't invite me to watch fnaf with them and it hurt just a little until i told my other friends and they said that it was really shit and now i have also understood that so i'm feeling even more shit about it

they will see it with me, i love them <3

i think that's it, i'll try going to sleep now i think

you've felt good recently which means you can feel good soon again <3

ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

second day of introweek 21/08/23

I am tired in a way that have never been, it feels like my brain and body are going so much slower than usual. Like it's so physical.

Today started off good!! I had a ton of fun, had a bit of a crisis about being seen as the head of the IC, but then I talked to everyone and dealt with it and now I'm no longer in crisis over that (as much at least, now it's the normal way haha). But then the fry dinner thing really stressed me out, it was just so unorganised and was just not going how it was supposed to be going. And I think I freaked a little about that. And so during dinner I decided I needed to be alone and left to go cry a bit. When I came back I decided I was not gonna go to the pubquiz and told Hanna and then I started crying again. And right before going home I talked to Elke about it and started crying again so I vaguely just left.. Probably my exit was not the way it should have been, but I was not really holding myself together anymore and needed to get out of there. I was crying the whole way back and then for another thirty mins on my bed. I feel absolutely shit. Everyone was very nice about it. I really hope tomorrow goes better. I am very glad we have a little time in between sports day and having to be at dinner, I think I just need a little alone time during the day when my brain isn't turned on, I will try to fascilitate that, but idk how well I'll do.

I am now drinking tea and gonna try to go to sleep early, that will also probably help.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

one down, two more to go 11/08/23

Yesterday Ida came to Nijmegen and stayed over at mine for a night and it was such a lovely time. She came by bus, I showed her my room and then we went to have a little picnic in the park. It was really nice catching up with her! In the morning I had again gone to the city and met up with Hanna to take pictures for the puzzle and then we had lunch which was really nice. It's very easy to talk to them, we are like constantly speaking and I also talk quite a lot I've noticed. I think it's cause we talk about things that I'm really interested in and that are more simple and I need to think about them less. After our picnic me and Ida came back to mine and made dinner and then ate outside in the garden, the weather was finally really good. Then I slept kind of shit, but that's fine.

And then today, we had breakfast and went into the city to just do a bit of shopping and kill time. I got some clogs, a blue fanny pack and a dark orange cap. I finally feel cool enough to wear those things which I'm really happy about. I think they look really nice. After shopping, we had lunch at the nice cafe with the very cute courtyard. It was such a nice time and their sandwiches were so good. And then we went to her new place to get her keys. While waiting for the bus, we talked again about the whole friend group situation and how that thing is going, I explained the bereal thing and we just talked over it again. I'm not sure what to think about it if I'm being honest. I think I'll just let it happen on it's own and stuff, I'm not too interested in actively contributing to it or anything.

After we got the keys, we went to the action and then to my place to get her suitcase. And then it was already dinner time so we had some pizzas at her place on the floor. We had a dining room picnic! I had the 5 cheese pizza from new york pizza and it was so cheesy and good!! When I went home, I was alone on the bus which was a little strange, but still okay. The driver was listening to music.

When going through my bereals with Ida, I realised how many of them have Chloé, which also made me realise that I need to stop talking about her as much as I do. I feel like I do it too often and I don't want people to know. I would feel so weird about it. Like Trine already guessed so I assume it's not that difficult, but also,, I want it to be my thing you know? Idk, it's just strange I think. Also like if she knew, then it would be a different thing, but now it feels like it would be behind her back. I don't want to keep bothering Trine about that so idk who to talk about it with. I guess I'll just try dealing with it on my own. I hope it will get easier when she gets here.

Intro week stuff has really fully started because people started joining yesterday. We are going to introduce ourselves tomorrow and then it will all be real! I feel like I'm very informed about everything and such, which is really nice. My ability to retain random useful bullshit might come in handy once again!! It's a lovely feeling, feeling useful and like you're actually contributing something.

Tomorrow I think I will go to the market, but I might not stay in the city for too long, I'm very tired. I do need some vegetables though, so I'll go.

I'm extremely tired now and constantly have a feeling like I'm waiting for an answer from Chloé but there is nothing that I've sent her, so maybe I'll figure something to send her so this can stop haha. And then I'll go to sleep, cause I need it.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

summer day 09/08/23

I did my laundry for the first time this morning at my new place and it was good. While that was going, I went to the store and cleaned up my room because Ida is coming to stay over tomorrow. I have never before vacuumed my room, but I did today and it feels really nice to have a clean room. My brain is a mystery and a burden.

After lunch I had made a plan with Hanna to work on the puzzle for introweek so I went to their place. We caught up on what has been going on with us and it was really nice. We ended up going to the city and walked the puzzle route. After that we sat down in the park to work on the text and stuff a little before finally going home after 5 hours spent together. It was such a summery day because the weather was really nice and I could be in just a t-shirt and the sun was shining and I was hanging out with a friend. It was lovely. Tomorrow we're going to the city again to take some pictures for the puzzle and then have lunch together. It should be great.

We also talked about some deep queer topics, a lot of talk about gender and expression. Both of us like the softness associated with "girly" terms. Yesterday while doing the dishes I had two major queer-related realisations. First was that I think I might not like men, or at least I don't want to spend my life with one. I'm not too sure though, but also I might just want to be friends with them. To be fair, my current predicament might have something to do with this change in opinion - I have never imagined being with a girl in general this much or in such detail before and honestly it's really lovely. I don't think it matters that it's her I'm imagining. But now I'm not too sure. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I will continue being queer and it will not change anything in my non-existant dating life, so who cares. And second, I realised that all the nonbinary terms like partner, non-man, person and even they seem very artificial and scientific and impersonal. It doesn't feel nice. It also sometimes feels like people have to put in more effort and I would like for it to just be natural and stuff. So I'm not sure what to do about that. Maybe I'll ask in the small group chat for them to start using more feminine words for me, or at least like not shy away from them, because otherwise it feels quite edgy and hard and artificial and I don't think that quite fits me.

Unrelated, but after the 5 hours of constant speaking, my brain is feeling really weird regarding language. It's almost reluctant to come up with words if that makes sense. It feels like there is resistance, they aren't flowing as well as usual. And as such speaking is also proving to be a more difficult task. It's not actually hard to speak, but it more feels like when you have become aware of breathing so for a while you have to manually breathe and then if you don't do it correctly, your brain starts hurting cause you aren't getting enough air. That's the same with words - they are still there, but it feels like I need to manually think about having them and sometimes there is just something that's preventing me from doing them correctly (but that something is just me myself). It's strange and not fun.

Tomorrow I have a ton of shit to do, but I think it will be alright.

--- today's song: Wet Dream by Wet Leg ---

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

first market day of the season 05/08/23

Today is saturday which means market day! I went alone today which was a bit bizarre, but also like strangely nice. I had to bike down a new road, but it actually turned out to be really easy to get to and from the city, which is absolutely lovely. I bought some vegetables and fruits at the market and also some strawberries that I made with milk for a dessert after dinner. For lunch I went to McDonald's which was great. I also stopped by the bookstore and got a planner. I went into some other stores, the record shop has a cool poster from the band Cola that I had never heard of so I didn't get it, but I listened to them now and I actually really enjoyed their music. If we go back to it and it's still there, I'm gonna get it. I walked around trying to think about birthday gifts for everyone. I got Chloé a little pink car at flying tiger. I have at this point given up on it.

Yesterday right before going to sleep I started overthinking the whole crush thing so I texted Trine if we could meet up later and like talk about it. We called instead, and it was very nice. I just told them the whole rant I went on on my blog yesterday. They are kind of insisting that it might be reciprocated. There apparently was a reason why they imagined us becoming a couple. Whatever that means. I cried about this situation today. It doesn't feel nice anymore, it suddenly started feeling really real and that's scary. It all makes me kind of sad to be honest. Cause like I'm imagining all these nice things knowing that they will never happen and that just sucks. And then also if we ever did get together then there's a chance we would break up and that also made me sad, no matter how imaginary it is. Because that means that trying anything might still lead to nothing in the end so it seems even more pointless now. And that's all just very sad.

For dinner today I made some pasta salad and I was really proud of it! I'm very glad I now have a good recipe that I can make in bulk and also possibly take to uni as lunch because it doesn't need to be heated up! I'm excited haha. And I'm also proud of myself.

It's still making me sad, but I think I'll just have to live with it. Trine suggested I write Chloé a letter explaining everything. They agree with me that confessing would be good, and that having everything out on the table would also be nice. I would love to, but also the idea scares me horribly. They said to just continue seeing what's happening and going with the flow. And they agreed that if I ever do confess, it would be good to do it just to have everything out there and mention that this doesn't mean that anything has to change. I can't see myself saying anything about it. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or overthink. I still feel bad about it.

--- today's song: Germaphobe by Mim Jensen ---

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

chill friday 04/08/23

I got my period yesterday, so today I took it very chill. I mostly just played sims the whole day. I started a new household and story line, but for some reason a mod is being messy so I got frustrated and ended up not making any progress. But that's fine.

After dinner, I decided to finally leave my room for longer than it took me to make lunch and go on another walk. I left while the sun was setting so it was really pretty. While walking, I remembered about fnaf and Chloé pointing out again how excited I am for the movie and it made me even more excited! I had a nice warm and like not really exhilirating or tingly feeling in my whole body. I just felt like I needed to move, so I did.

When I got to the third left turn I had to take, I decided that instead I would continue further and go down to Goffertpark. It was a great choice on my part as I saw some deer!! They were so adorable! There were also some goats. I went further to explore the park more and realised just how huge it is! There is a big open field there and I saw the setting sun so nicely.

Then I decided that I had walked far enough and started on my way back. Before I left the park, I saw the street lights turn on!!! I again got the excited, tingly, I-need-to-move-to-get-the-excitement-out feeling I did about fnaf. It's so lovely!! I once again was just moving about and jumping a bit haha. It's lovely feeling free to do that and I hope I will feel comfortable to do that around people if there's ever such an opportunity. Further along I ran into three cats!! One of them was sitting on a fence-post and meowed at me and then came to say hi. The other two I saw from a distance, but they were also adorable. It was a lovely walk.

I feel a little guilty and uncomfortable about my crush situation. I feel like if she knew, she would also be uncomfortable and I really don't want that to happen. I keep imagining telling her and I'm honestly afraid of even doing that. Because like in a magical world where she does like me back (I don't fully believe Trine), I'm not sure what my reaction would be to that. I feel like I wouldn't be a good partner or girlfriend so I don't think I would want anything to happen. But on the other hand, it would be lovely. It's just that now any time I think about it, I feel stupid and guilty. I can't stop imagining that she would be uncomfortable if she knew. I really want to tell her, but also I don't want her to know. I feel like she knows already. I think I unconciously flirt a lot and it just makes me rethink every single thing I tell her. I also obviously overthink every single thing she tells me! And it's not helping, because even when I allow myself to be delusional, there's nothing that would indicate that she would like me back. And then I feel worse than before. I desperately hope I'm not making her uncomfortable, I know she doesn't like it wondering if her friend likes her, because she confided in me when it was happening!! I feel like such a hypocrite, and so stupid and dumb and like she would not be happy if she found out. I also feel like she might already be suspecting it, because I feel like I'm quite obvious. I hope I'm not. I really hope it all works out, I don't want this to ruin anything. I love being close to her and I hope that doesn't change. I'll try my best. I also hope it's made worse by being away from her. I also do kinda hope that this isn't one of those things where I've like convinced myself that I like her, but actually don't, you know? I hope this isn't all just mental ilness, but there's actually something there. I feel really guilty.

Tomorrow is saturday so I'm gonna go to the market. It will be a prequel to season 2 of the market adventures. St Annastraat is closed again, so I'll have to go down a different road, but I think I'll manage. I might go to McDonald's for lunch. Or Subway. I'm craving both. I miss my friends. Ida is coming in less than a week and I'm excited! I should text her about her plans soon probably. I don't want to stress her out though. I'll just say she can respond whenever it's convenient for her I think.

I'll try to go to sleep a bit earlier today so I can go to the market bright and early tomorrow! I hope I get some good fruits.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

moving day no2 02/08/23

I finished moving all my things to the new room today. My family helped me clean up the old room, we bought some things for organisation and I biked over to leave my bike here at the new place. For lunch we had some pokebowls and then they left to continue their road-trip. They're staying the night in Germany and then going to Italy to some mountains.

After they left and I got to my new place, I organised some stuff. For now, most of my clothes have found their spot and I have thought about where I will put the rest of the things. I'm happy with my progress today. I also cleaned out my kitchen cupboard and fridge shelf with my new roommate's help. She's very nice and even gave me some focaccia that she made! I'm very happy I live with her haha.

After I had dinner, I went on a little walk around the neighbourhood. I ran into the same guy twice and both times he was very respectful, kept close to his side of the pavement and didn't look at me. King. I think we were going the same walk just in opposite directions. I also met a really cute kitty! It was black with a white paw and chest. It ran up to me while meowing and was bumping against my legs, it was so sweet!! When I tried to leave, it followed me so I stopped to pet it a little, but then the second time I tried leaving, it jumped on my legs a little, but then backed off. It seemed like a really sweet cat.

I am now gonna put away everything I left on my bed and rug throughout the day and then I think I'll go to sleep, I'm very tired now. Tomorrow I'm thinking about going to Kruidvat before lunch to get some necessities and then maybe AH for something more interesting for lunch or dinner. I'm feeling really independent right now for some reason and I love it.

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

moving day 01/08/23

Today I moved into my new room. I was very anxious at first because I had done no packing yesterday, but then it worked out fine. My family came to help with everything which was absolutely amazing and honestly I don't know how I would've done it without them. I got my key in the morning and then we did two cars of stuff. After that we were all hungry so we had some food from the Vietnamese food truck in the city. Everyone liked the gui cuon, but for me this time it wasn't too great. I felt slightly nauseaous afterwards again. But then we went shopping a little bit and I got some new earrings. They all really liked HEMA, which is kinda funny to me. We had some ice cream and went to get the last of the things from my old room.

When we were bringing up everything, I met my new roommate. She seems very nice and after we had dinner in the city she explained the house rules to me. I really hope I will remember them all, but I'll just ask if I'm confused about something. I'm really glad that for now it's gonna be just the two of us - at least for a couple of weeks!

I have now cleaned up my bed so I can have a nice sleep. I'm quite tired so hopefully I will sleep well. Tomorrow I have a lot of stuff to do again - we have to go back and clean my old room, I have to hand in the keys and I have to get my bike here. We will also go to the store to buy some new things for the room. I obviously already have a list!

I'm quite a fan of my new place! It's a nice room and it's much closer to everyone than before!! I'm happy that Chloé and everyone else is also excited about that!! It's nice for my brain to finally believe something nice haha.

I will go to sleep now, because I have a long day ahead of me!

Ttyl <3

[rubyflowerpetals]

Luxembourg trip 21/07/23-31/07/23

I went to visit Chloé in Luxembourg and my time there was so lovely! I met her family, two of her friends and Arabella (my love). I have promised her mom and Chloé herself that I will come back, so I guess my fate is sealed.

day 1 - travel

On the first day we didn't do anything too active. Chloé picked me up in Maastricht and it was surprisingly normal to see her driving a car! Then we had a two hour drive to Hellange, where I met her dad and Arabella. We had to go outside to the garden so she wouldn't be too scared of me. I think it went well! Her parents went out to a restaurant so we had some pasta for dinner and just had a chill evening. I didn't sleep too well, but that was expected, I don't usually sleep well with other people in the room. It was kind of awkward at the start simply because we just didn't have a lot to talk about, but that's alright.

day 2 - Barbie

On day two we went to see Barbie! It was such a good movie and even though we sat right at the back, it was still a very enjoyable cinema experience! It was lovely to watch a movie with all the seats filled, because it created a very nice atmosphere. After the movie we walked around a bit, we went to Auchen and looked at their book section and then we went to have dinner. I had been feeling a little bit nauseous for the past couple of days and it wasn't too nice, but I dealt with it. We had to take public transport to get to the city and it was good! Their trams look quite similar to the new trams in Riga. Before the movie, we went through her old school's campus and a park. It was really nice

day 3 - mini golf

The weather started to get worse (and then never became truly better afterwards), but we went out to a park. We bought a baguette and some hummus for lunch and then played some mini golf. I finally started to feel more comfortable and less on edge! Chloé won with 92 points against my 107 points, but we had a very wonderful game. She still scored the highest with 17 points for one hole (or whatever the language for golfing is). There were also Dutch scouts there which was a bit jarring, but no bother. After mini golf, we sat on a bench for an hour from which we saw a lady walking an animal. But for the life of us, we couldn't tell what sort of animal it was. We asked Chloé's mom at dinner and it turns out it's just an old dog... It didn't Really look like a dog, but whatever. Our guesses were a pig or a rabbit, but also neither really worked. In the evening, we watched Juno and it is still such a good movie!!

day 4 - animal park

After walking the dog and going to see the neighbours' cat like every morning, we went to an animal park. It was clearly made for children, but it was still a very cool place. Chloé told me about a lot of her childhood memories which was lovely. I became obsessed with truth or dare questions after the previous day of sitting on the bench and going through a randomiser. I felt very annoying, but in a nice way. The park was nice and Chloé bought me some ice cream too! It was a shame that she didn't feel too good that day. In the evening, Trine asked me how the "gaycation" was going... it was going great!

day 5 - chill day at home

Chloé needed one day to rest so we stayed home mostly. We walked Arabella, baked some peach cobbler and sat on our computers for most of it. It was a succesful day.

day 6 - Luxembourg city

On the sixth day we went back to the city, but it was a wednesday, so it wasn't as crowded as when we went before Barbie on saturday. Chloé took on the role of a tour guide and did a great job! It's such a pretty city. We walked through the upper city first and there were a lot of pretty buildings and stuff and then we also went to the lower city. That was also beautiful (the first picture is from there). We went to see an amazing bridge. We saw two blue herons (Chloé's favourite birds) and I stole a little lavender flower which smelled absolutely wonderful! We had also gotten boba and mine tasted vaguely like soap, but I didn't mind. We also went to an art exposition about queer joy and it was so cool! I have a bunch of pictures on instagram from that day.

day 7 - museum and friends

On day seven we went to the city center by train where we met up with two of Chloé's friends (Emma and Sophie) to go to an art museum. It had an exhibition from a Luxembourgish artist and it all looked really cool! We went through the rest of the museum too and it wasn't too great, but also there were some cool things. Her friends were really nice and they tried talking to me, which was sweet of them. But for some reason I just got compeltely covered with fear and anxiety and my brain was completely empty, no words or thoughts were forming so I couldn't think of anything to say. Even when I did think of something, I couldn't find a good spot to say it in because I didn't want to interrupt anyone. And then at a certain point I had been silent for so long that I think that physically I couldn't have said anything even if I tried. But if you forget about that, I really did have a good time. Though, as I already told Trine, this day made me even more scared to tell Chloé anything, because I feel like I made a very bad impression with her friends, and that really matters to me. Which... I'm saying that as if at any point there was an actual possibility of me revealing anything to her before. But no. After we left the train to go to her house, I felt so drained and tired, but Chloé was really good about it. Back at her place, we laid on the bed and I slowly recharged. Turns out that having her there is really helpful. Being alone when I feel like that doesn't sound good anymore. I hope I'll get to be around her more often. But after that whole thing, I was left completely drained the rest of the day.

day 8 - Oppenheimer

The next day we went to see Oppenheimer at the fancy art house cinema that Chloé really likes. The guy sitting in front of us was asleep for a big part of the movie. But men's opinion doesn't matter, because it was actually a really nice movie!! I didn't understand a lot of the plot because it was just so American, but the shots were cool. And omg the sound design was amazing!!! The complete and utter silence after the bomb went off.. and then the blinding boom.. and the stomping feet - the subjectivity part was just amazing!!! Very well made movie in a technical sense. After that, we went to the city to walk around a bit and then went home and had dinner. Her parents had gone to the restaurant again, but after they came back, they gave me a present of a souvenir teddy bear and a luxembourgish flag pen! I almost cried.. and I did get very warm all over. I'm such a fan of her mom!! She is so lovely. We also watched the first two episodes of the new season of Good Omens!!

day 9 - forest

We wanted to go out into nature so we went to a forest track. But after a while we got a little bit lost, but we continued following the zig-zaggy running path. In the end it took us 2 hours to do the whole thing. We had been tired since 40 minutes after the beginning. Around an hour of walking it also started to rain which was just the cherry on top. But it wasn't too bad, it was actually kind of funny. Not even only while looking back, but also when it was happening. Then we went home and watched two more episodes of Good Omens.

day 10 - cars and trains

For the longest time we didn't have a plan for the last day, but then on tiktok Chloé found out about an old car exhibition in a city that she had never been to. So we went there. For lunch we had a very Luxembourgish sausage in a bun and it was so very good! Apparently I got the full Luxembourgish experience - the sausage, the middle aged men, the orange tables. It was lovely. The cars were amazing as well! There were so many cool ones. After the cars, I vaguely peer-pressured Chloé into getting matching limited edition custom-made car t-shirts. I think they are both very cute and very ugly. I only peer-pressured her, because I felt like she really wanted one. After the car show, we went to see an old mine and steam trains. It was a very cool looking train even though the steps look just like the ones on Latvian trains. We shared a cherry cake. And then very thick steam that smelled horrible came out of the train so we ran away. It was a lot of walking. After that we went home quite early, had some sushi for dinner with her parents. This was my first time eating vegetarian sushi and it was very good. And then we finished Good Omens!! What a season... We went to sleep around 2am because that was our last full day together.

day 11 - leaving

We had to wake up extra early today so that the travelling wouldn't be too late. For breakfast we had some especially good pain au chocolat. Chloé's mom very nicely drove us to Maastricht. I took a little speed nap while we were in Belgium. Her mom made me some lunch (two sandwiches and a chocolate pudding) and every time I ate something, I teared up a little. Chloé came with me to the train, but I don't think I said the best goodbye, because I was stressed about the train. I wish I had given her a longer hug, but we'll see each other in just two weeks. We'll survive.

I think I've cried six times today. I am very tired and probably shouldn't have spent an hour writing this whole thing, but here we are. Tomorrow my family is chelping me move. I am very scared that I won't like it in my new place. I desperately need it to be good. Ida is coming back on the 10th and she's gonna stay the night at my place before moving the next day. I might help her with stuff. I'm excited for the stress to be over in two days hopefully. I need to be able to relax competely. I was able to do that while in Luxembourg which was amazing!!! I had such a good time, and I promised two people that I will go back at some point, so I guess I have no choice but to do that.

Ok well, I don't know how long I will keep up this "blog", but I like writing down my feelings and having intentions and stuff, so I'll try to keep it up!

Ttyl <3