runner-93

[runner-93]

Runner 5 - Doubt & Fear

Another writing prompt, angsty to be sure.  SPOILERS up to Season 6 Mission 4.  

Runner 5 struggling with self doubt, and deep fears. 

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

They know.

For a second the awkward realization that Five wasn’t alone in her condition was the only thing filling the suddenly silent world around her.  

She wasn’t the only person still hearing Moonchild in her head…

She wasn’t the only one but it didn’t matter because everybody already knew about it.  Everybody knew that she was still hearing that voice.  That she’d been losing her mind this entire time and hiding it from them…

The confession from her friends, from Jody, reverberated in her skull – an echo in an empty room – but only for that single fucking second before the world came rushing back in and she was consumed by the unpleasant sensation of drowning on dry land.  

At a loss for what to do or how to react she froze, letting herself be overwhelmed because what the hell other choice did she have in this place, at this time?  She knew it was a mistake even as she did it, but she couldn’t help it (and god how she tried to help it).  The instant she reached critical mass of alarm, the moment her fight or flight instincts couldn’t see a clear choice of action, that was when the sounds of the world inevitably receded once more.  When she felt more than heard the voices of her friends and fellow runners fading around her – like eavesdropping through water – until she was left along in her head with Moonchild.  

It was the only warning she ever got before she heard her again.  The voice that wouldn’t stop talking to her.  The voice she couldn’t shut out or shut down no matter how hard she tried or how much she wanted to.  Moonchild was wondering what the revelation meant, what it was leading to, what Sigrid wanted with her people, people like Five, but Five was too distracted trying to stay ahead of her mounting panic and shame to care.  Too distracted trying to pretend it wasn’t happening again so the others maybe wouldn’t notice whatever it was they’d been noticing this entire time that had been given her away.  

“Five doesn’t like to talk about it.”  Sam said into the voices around her, as Moonchild faded and the others came back to fill the void.  He was shutting down the conversation as best as he could and she couldn’t help but wonder how much he had heard in her silence, how much he saw when she compulsively clenched a fist before forcing it to relax again.  

She had talked to him – briefly of course – only a few times about her fear of Moonchild, of everything that had been done to her, how she struggled to trust herself anymore.  She had thought she was being vague enough during those conversations, she hadn’t thought he’d known the exact scope of that fear, the degree to which she shouldn’t be (couldn’t be?) trusted anymore.   But even with him, even only scraping the surface of the issue, it had been difficult to get the words out.  He must have seen saw how much it hurt her to admit even a little of that weakness.  How much it cost her to tell him anything at all.  To tell him, of all people, that he couldn’t trust her anymore.  

In true Sam fashion, though, he had noted her concern (just to make her feel better) but had ultimately disregarded the warning.  Instead he had seemed to make a concentrated effort to confirm his faith in her to any and all he could; his unquestioning faith in her capabilities, her position of trust within the Able Alliance, and overall worthiness as a person in general. It had helped, for a time.  

But now… now that she knew that everybody knew, that he knew… she couldn’t let them continue to trust her, could she?   How much risk was she putting Abel in every time she went on mission with Moonchild riding shotgun in her head?  

What if…

What if the mind control hadn’t been cured afterall?  What if one of these days she heard something that triggered it?  What if she was told to do something awful again and she listened?  

Oh God… what was she doing?  Why was she risking it?  Risking all of it, and everyone, to continue being Runner 5?

What are you if you’re not Runner 5?  That selfish, treacherous part of her mind supplied, you love being Runner 5, you love helping Abel, you want to stop the Minister and put everything right again.  You want to help.  You know you can help.  You know that you can do things the others can’t.  What if they need you and you’re not there?  What if nothing ever comes of Moonchild and you’re just being paranoid, jumping at shadows?  What if they need you and you’re not there? Which risk is worse?

She knew the answer of course. Or at least she thought she did.  It’s why she’d warned Sam not to trust her so completely, it’s also why she hadn’t (couldn’t) tell anyone, and it’s why she kept running missions in spite of anything she heard that was or wasn’t real.

The conversation dropped while she argued with herself and the group started moving again, but Five still couldn’t bring herself to look at them.  To see the pity in their eyes and know (for certain) exactly how poorly she’d been keeping this secret.  

What if they saw this for what she was afraid it was? What would they do, now that everyone knew she’d been compromised?  That she couldn’t be trusted?   That at any moment Moonchild might float up to front of her brain and tell her to do something that she might obey...  

She remembered what it was like…  

That bloody compulsion.  That euphoric obedience to Moonchild.  Like the goodest of dogs, she would have done anything for just a word of praise.  

And she had, hadn’t she?  She hadn’t faltered on the Comansis ships.  She hadn’t stopped herself at Abel.  She’d hurt people, killed people, people she cared about, people that meant everything to her – and for what?!  A pat on the head?  A loving voice telling her what a good job she’d done?  Sure, she’d managed to skirt the letter of the orders she’d been given (a little), but ultimately she’d done what she’d been told to do as she’d been told to do it.

And just like that Runner 5 was no longer a title she felt worthy of carrying.

The only problem was that she didn’t know who she was anymore without the moniker – being Runner 5 was the world to her.  It gave her purpose.  It gave her home – family – people she could count on, who could count on her.   A place she wanted to return to at the end of day, a place that could make her feel safe.   Only they couldn’t count on her anymore, not like they used to, not the way needed. She couldn’t bring herself to look at them because she knew what she’d see, confirmation that they knew they couldn’t count on her too.  

She’d thought she could hide it.  She’d thought if she only gave herself enough time she could find a way through or around it, like she did everything else, and for a while she actually thought she had.  For a while she thought she’d beat it.  

But then the voice had come back, with greater and greater frequency.  A voice with alarming clarity, that spoke with purpose and weight, a voice that was well informed (too informed) and dripping with the honey of good intentions.  It was all in her head, of course, it could only know things she did (that was how it worked didn’t it?) things hidden in her own subconscious and half forgotten memories.  Things Moonchild had told her, whispered in her ear while Five carried out her orders. But in the end that only made it seem more real, like Moochild’s voice was a person of substance rather than just the echo of a bad dream and a broken mind.  

Five was actually starting to get scared by the very real way the voice spoke to her, because as much as she hated Moonchild, as much as she hated what this was doing to her, she still reacted to it.  There was still a moment of relief (very small, very brief) every time Moonchild spoke to her.  That moment where the rest of the world faded, where reality lost its sharp edges, outside voices softened, and the omnipresent needs of the community became just the softest thrum of a distant heartbeat.

She loved it – that was the real secret, the true horror of what she had been trying to hide from the others – only ever for that one small moment, that tiny treacherous second – she was grateful for Moochilds voice when it came.   The moment always ended quickly, leaving her repulsed with herself, nauseous at how thoroughly she could betray everything she believed in, and desperate to make it up to Abel even if Able wasn’t even aware of the betrayal.  Sometimes request the radio volume be maxed out only for Sam to refuse because hearing what was coming was necessary for survival and she’d have to catch herself before she admitted that (in those moments) she didn’t care.  She just wanted to stop listening.  She just wanted to stop being a good dog and start feeling like Runner 5 again.

“Five?”  Sam’s voice in her ear, calling her off of the twisted path her thoughts were running along and back to the task at hand.  There was a different kind of static to the headset, however, suggesting he had moved her to a different channel so the others wouldn’t hear his speak to her. “Are you okay Five?”

She wasn’t sure where the camera was that he was watching from, but she had fallen back a bit to bring up the rear of their party and knew the others wouldn’t see it if she reached a hand up to tap a coded answer on the headset.

Yes.

“You know that it doesn’t bother us right?  You know we don’t think less of you?”

Yes.  A lie, maybe, but whatever she believed about how the others felt about all of this wouldn’t change the fact that she had felt compelled to keep it from them. That she had thought it was bad enough to warrant betraying their trust and keep it a secret.  

“It’s okay Five.  It’s okay to have scars, everybody does these days, some on the outside, some not. Everything you’ve been through for us, for Abel...  It’s okay Five.”

Yes.  

“...” a pointed moment of silence passed between them before Sam continued.  “I get that you don’t want to talk about it right now, and I’ll stop pushing, but I’m here when you need it Five.  Honestly I am.  Take your time, I’m always gonna be here when you’re ready.   I’m going to put you back on the group line now, just ... just tap the headset if you want to speak privately again, okay?”

Yes.

“Okay.  Just try to be okay with yourself Five, that’s all I ask.”

Five was about to tap another positive response (to make him feel better despite still being so conflicted herself) when she heard the quality of static change signifying that she was back on the group channel.  

“Okay guys, just keep heading straight, there are some zoms coming in from the West but they’re slow and shouldn’t be a problem.  The bushes along the path, though, are pretty thick and there’s movement that could be crawlers so keep your eyes and ears sharp while you’re passing by.”

“Roger that Sam,” Paula answered, all four of them arranging themselves into a single file formation as they moved to increase the space between each of them and the edges of the path where the overgrown shrubbery could be a problem.  

Five stayed silent, watching the bushes, glancing West occasionally just in case, staying as out of her head as she could.  When a more or less intact zom hidden behind a tree lurched suddenly onto the path next to Jaimie, right ahead of her, she acted fast – putting on a burst of speed to pull him back and away from the grasping and masticated hands. Peter-not-Simon made quick work of it after that, dispatching the hungry creature with a thick stick and a couple hard swings to its head.   The group moved on without commenting – just another day after all.

The audible world around Five lurched suddenly.

.:That was close Five. Good thing you’re here to watch their backs. You know I only want what’s best for you Five.  You know that right?  I only  want to protect you, you’ve always meant so much to me...:.

No! Nononononono Five moaned mentally, missing a step but managing to catch herself before she actually tripped.  Single file, as they were, the others didn’t notice.  She glanced around quickly, paranoid, to try and see if there was an identifiable camera nearby but when Sam didn’t immediately mention her sudden stagger she assumed there either wasn’t a camera, or he was watching something else.  She focused on the road, on the air, on her breathing, on the back of Jaimie’s head – anything other than Moonchild.  She hadn’t even been the one in danger then, Moonchild shouldn’t be talking to her, it wasn’t fair.

.: It’s okay Five:. Moonchild’s honey sweet voice floated all around her, .: Nobody’s going to think less of you, and you have to admit I’ve been helpful:.  Hearing Sam’s words parroted back to her by that voice was enough to turn Five’s stomach because she felt the impulse to believe it when Moonchild said it; the compulsive twitch (like addiction, like withdrawal) to lose herself in the assurances of that voice as she had before.

Five tripped again, caught herself again, and continued on as if she hadn’t.   It was changing again, first coming more frequently, now with less predictability.  It was probably because of stress, because of the continual danger she found herself in – she’d certainly seen a sharp increase in both since the Minister really started flexing her power.

“Everything okay Five?” Sam’s voice, concerned, in her headset. She could see three faces ahead of her turn to glance back to check for themselves at his question.  She could hear them, but the quality of their voices was still distorted.  Moonchild was still with her.

Yes. Tapped again into the headset.  What was one more lie on top of the others she’d told?  It’s not like they’d actually take her at her word, not with what they knew, knowing she’d tried to keep it from them.   The other three shared a look and nodded, turning back to watch the path ahead, letting it go.  

Nobody believed her.

.: Nobody believes you :.

It was obvious in the way they looked at her, the way they looked at each other, the way that Sam didn’t push for a better answer, an answer he knew she wasn’t ready to give.

.: Don’t worry Five, I’ll still be here for you, even when they let you down and leave you  behind, or vice versa, I’ll always be here for you.  We need each other. :.

[runner-93]

Quick warm up sketch the other day… Have I mentioned how obsessed I am with #zombiesrunapp?! Finished their 5k app the other day too! I’m sore… 😁😩👍 #runner5 #rebel5 #zombiesrunfanart #digitalart #sketchysketch #badassheroine #runwiththerevolution #fanart #iamrunner5

[runner-93]

Zombies Run - Writing Prompt

For the anonymous request with the name/word prompt; Sam + Spring. 

I kept it as spoiler free as possible, I think, the only warning I can think to give would be a vaguely refer to events with two names that anyone who’s finished season three and started season 4 will know about.  Story under the cut!

Sam Yao was not a man to be taken lightly – regardless of anything people might have heard to the contrary – he took his job very seriously because it was his job to ensure the safety of Abel by ensuring the safety of its Runners.  He was the sentry, the guide, and the guardian all in one; the first line of defense for the Runners, and the last line of defense for Able Township.

What a lot of people didn’t realize was that his job was so much more than watching cameras, directing movement, and warning of danger while people were on their runs.  Sometimes his job was noticing if a Runner was acting odd.  Sometimes it was making sure a Runner low on morale was sent on a toy run, or a tequila run as required.  Sometimes it was making sure an anxious Runner was only scheduled for supply runs in safe areas.  Sometimes it was cancelling runs if a Runner was hiding an injury, or illness.  It was making sure Maxine knew if anyone started showing signs of depression or other forms of mental or emotional difficulties that may need more than the occasional pep talk.  

It was being silly and making sure he saw them smile or laugh at least once every day, or occasionally begging a Runner to go with him to the kitten house because he was embarrassed to go alone.  He’d even gotten more than few to join the Demons and Darkness group that tried to meet once a week for a game.  

Sometimes his job was pretending not to notice when they cried, and sometimes it was crying with them.  Knowing what his Runners needed was what he did, in and out of missions.

For some of them, like Jody or Simon (before his name was removed from the past and present Runner list), were pretty easy to read (at least he used to think so).  Some of them were a lot more difficult to try and pin down (like Sara Smith).  Some of them were… some of them were both and neither and utterly impossible as a result.

Runner 5, for example.  She rose so quick in Abel’s ranks that it was practically a legend. She fell from the sky in a ball of fire, ran a mission while still unknown and unnamed, returned to Abel with critical resources and saved the township all before she’d even had so much as a ‘hey, how are you?’ from the welcome committee.

That was the beginning and the end of it.  From then on she was Runner 5 – the unstoppable, the undaunted, the tireless.  Runner 5 – the hero of Abel.  

Everyone knew her designation.  Everyone knew her reputation.  And Runner 5 took it all in stride, confident and proud and every inch the model Runner and community member they needed her to be.  

The township didn’t notice when she started to change.  They didn’t see the circles under her eyes.  They didn’t see the way her hands sometimes shook when she was sent out on an important mission, like she didn’t trust herself anymore.  They didn’t see the way her head sometimes tilted, like she was listening to something they couldn’t hear.  

They didn’t see the Runners the way Sam did.  They didn’t understand  how the designations and reputations the Runners built around themselves would stare to wear on them, start to erode their sense of self. The bigger the legend, of course, the heavier those expectations were to carry.

That was his mission – to see the wear and tear on his people and make it better in whatever ways he could.  Today his mission would serve all of them, but his focus was Runner 5.  

It was spring now – finally and officially spring! – but the last bitterly cold rain they’d received had left the fields surrounding Able a quagmire of potential sprained ankles and difficult terrain.  Any Runner sent out in it would have to fight the mud for every step they took.  It was not good conditions for running quickly, it was not (Janine said stiffly after surveying the weather reports, road conditions, caloric costs/needs of Runners, etc) ideal for efficiency in performance.  

All this boiled down to a single edict – all the Runners would have the day off.  This bright, sunny, warm day with just the most pleasant breeze blowing through the township while they waited for the running conditions to be more ideal.  

It was amazing!  He couldn’t remember the last time all the Runners had the day off, even those days where most of them did Five was always needed for one critical mission or another.  This was the perfect opportunity to help her reboot her system, so to speak, and feel connected again.  Maybe get her to tell him why she seemed so distant lately.  I mean, he knew why – the Simon thing, and the Moonchild thing, and all the things that happened around and after those things – there were a lot of things, but she’d always bounced back before.  He hadn’t realized just how much she always bounced back until now when she hadn’t. He wasn’t the only person worried either, he wasn’t the only person to belatedly realize that in her constant and consistent efforts to protect the town, the town may have been neglecting to protect their runner back.    

It was important, the work he did, it was necessary, and it was very serious. Maybe even the most serious work anyone in the township could possible undertake.  

Though he would certainly understand the doubt a person would feel if they were told how serious his job was while looking at him now – dressed in an aggressively pastel pink and blue Easter bunny costume hiding little treats and toys all around the running track and training fields while a horde of kids practically vibrated with excitement and anticipation all along the perimeter.  It wasn’t religious in intention, but more an any excuse to have a bit of fun event.  The kids would watch him, the Easter Bunny, hop around and hide things, but not knowing if he was really hiding something just behind the bleachers or only pretending to to throw them off the scent, then – at the appropriate moment – they would be released!

There was nothing better for the Morale of the township then a bit of nonsense every now and then, and if that bit of nonsense reminded them what they were doing all this for, remind them of their collective humanity in the face of their personal monsters, then all the better!   Once the kids had burned some energy finding the treats, the Spring Rabbits (runners wearing bright colours, bunny ears, and face paint) would start phase 2 of the spring celebration; each runner had a different colour assigned to them and eight streamers of that colour loosely attached to their waists.   The first kid in each age group to collect 4 different colours would win a whole chocolate bar!  The sheer want in some of the kids eyes was honestly intense enough to cause Sam some concern, but he felt better know that they had secretly gathered up enough candies for all the kids to ‘win’ by the end of the Spring in Abel Event.  

Lined up along the bleachers, either sitting or leaning against the fence respectively, the volunteer Runners waited patiently, grinning and stretching and generally getting ready to make the kids work for their sugar rush later.  The pastel colours were for the younger kids, those Runners would challenge their kids but ultimately let themselves be “caught” before too long.  The brighter colours were the Runners for the older kids, Maxine and a few other adults would be watching them more closely to identify any that could be future Runners with more training.  Banners were not guaranteed for the older kids, the Runners were going to challenge them and were not going to give up any banners easily.  

Any kids that didn’t want to run for their candy could opt to solving puzzles or guiding blindfolded volunteers through the obstacle course.   Jody had been the one to casually mention the old holiday to him a couple weeks ago, wondering if he thought they could do something for it.  Ever since she made the suggestion he, Jody, Maxine, and a few others had put a lot of effort into making this event big and making sure that there was something for everyone regardless of their preferred recreational activities and capabilities.  There was even a pickup game of Demons and Darkness going on in the mess hall!  The Runners were all into it too!  When he’d initially started asking for volunteers he’d expected a certain amount of hold outs – he’d expected some of them to decline, but every single Runner signed up to a degree that he actually had to turn some of them down and find them other activities/jobs to do instead. It was amazing!  

Runner 5 was over with the other Rabbits waiting to start their runs, helping each other tie on their streamers (not too tight to pull off, but not so loose that they could fall off by accident).   Her colour was a very bright yellow, next to her Jody in the pastel blue and a sweater knitted to look like an easter egg chatted amiably.  They both waved when they caught his eyes on them. Sheepishly, he waved back.    He couldn’t help but grin, making a big show of inspecting a set of weights while he hid a couple yo-yos around the 15lb bells.  It was working!  Everyone was having fun, nobody was currently risking their lives, or thinking about the next time they’d have to risk their lives, or getting dragged down into dark thoughts and doubts and emotional friction.   They were just living, it was perfect.  

One good day; that’s all any of them needed, just every now and then, to make the less good days not seem so bad.  One good day, he promised himself that he would give Runner Five that much, even if he couldn’t do anything else for her, he could give her One Good Day.  

Finally out of treats to hide Sam pretended to hide a few more things to be cheeky and hopped his way back towards the Runners – the kids were collectively holding their breath, instinctually setting themselves into the ready position while they waited to be released.   Sam had barely finished sitting down before the kids were off, tearing around the running track, obstacles, and various piles of equipment left out deliberately so Sam could hide things in them.  

Sam couldn’t help by gape.  At their current rate of movement he figured they would have found every bit of swag he’d hidden – and the stuff they’d pre-hidden the night before – in a lot less time then he’d projected.  Even the little kids, being led by their parents, were moving a lot faster than their little legs seemed capable of.  

“Get ready Rabbits,” Jody called out to the Runners around them, “I think we’re gonna get the go ahead quicker then we’d thought.”

Five smiled at the chaos reigning on the training field, maybe not as big as Sam had hoped, but a lot less distracted then he’d feared. She seemed present today.  Not as lost in her thoughts as she’d seemed lately.  It was enough for now.  One good day.  He repeated the words to himself like a mantra; one good day would do a lot to help his poor overused Runner get back to being herself again.   He watched her from the corner of his eyes when someone else called for her and she walked away from him and Jody to answer.

“This was a good idea Sam, I’m glad we did this for the township.”  Jody said cheerfully, nudging him good naturedly with her knee from where she stood next to him.  “I can see you smiling under that ridiculous get up, I’m glad.  It’s been a while since I saw you this happy.”

“We’ve all been a bit too focused lately, what with everything that’s gone on, a bit of a distraction is good for us.  A bit of fun to remind us that there’s more to life than just running for our lives, and trying to survive or prepare for the next emergency.”    

“Runner 5 is gonna be glad to hear you said that.” Jody grinned.

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but I have to Sam! I just have to!  Runner 5 is the one who told me to remind you that the Easter Bunny used to be a thing, a way to celebrate spring and hope and new life from old.  She was worried about you, and she knew how much you like planning stuff like this.  She tricked you Sam.  She got me and Maxine to do it for her, with the planning and all, but it was Five that went around to every Runner to make sure they were on board to help.  Not that it was hard, all she had to say was for Sam and not one was willing say no, not after everything you’ve done for all of us.  This whole thing was Runner 5’s idea to make you feel better; to remind you that it’s okay to be happy again since you’ve been so down about everything that’s happened recently.”  

Sam stared at Jody for a long couple of seconds before he could process the words properly. The Runners were trying to take care of him?  Runner 5 – the formerly unstoppable and recently stopped.  Runner 5 – the undaunted, recently shaken. Runner 5 – the tireless, but oh god he could see her mental exhaustion weighing her down.  Runner 5 – the fallen hero of Abel.  Five had manipulated him into dressing up like the Easter Bunny to make him smile, to give him a day off.   And she’d gotten everyone else in on it.  He thought it’d been weird how quick Janine had decided the whole town would get the day off, but he hadn’t wanted to jinx it.  Hadn’t he just recently been thinking how easy it had been to get volunteers?  

He was supposed to be taking care of her, of all of them, that was his job and here they all were… worried about him… taking care of him…  

“You do so much for us Sam, and there not often anything we can do in return other then make it home every day, time and again, to thank you for guiding us back.  We’re all just worried that you might be taking on too much without giving yourself the occasional break that you need let alone deserve.  Abel doesn’t always have to rest on your shoulders, Sam, you need to let yourself breath every now and then.  You need to let yourself live a little too. You need to take time to be yourself, Sam Yao.”   Jody continued, nudging him again with her leg when he continued to not react, giving him an affectionate smile for encouragement.

“Thank you, Jody, really…. I…. I don’t know what to say to all that, really….”

“We’ve all got a day off Sam, you don’t have to say anything.  Just… take the time to enjoy it.  We’ve got your back.  Always.”

Before he could find his voice again to respond Jody perked up and eyed the field, a general surveying her troops, “time to go Rabbits!”  She shouted excitedly, and the Runners who’d been patiently waiting sprang into action, just as sudden and chaotic and care free as the kids had been, darting in all directions which dozens of little people laughed and chased after them, desperate to get the streamers.  

Sam tracked Five from where she was leading some of the older kids on an adventurous chase around the obstacle course.  She was smiling, careful not to run too fast and discourage them, she glanced back at him and caught his eye, giving him a one handed salute.

One good day.

Whatever it may have been before, Spring was now Sam’s favourite season.    

[runner-93]

Send me a writing prompt

I feel like writing some drabbles for zombies run, one shots, but I don’t know what to write.  If anyone wants to prompt me send a zombies run name and a random word and I’ll try to write a drabble around them. 

[runner-93]

Dear anon of like three weeks ago,

I always try to keep my promises. Here you go. HERE’S YOUR SAM/FIVE FANMIX. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Love,  Me

Just kidding, but here it actually is, although for some reason it sounds weird out of the conversion and I just… ugh. And unfortuantely it still doesn’t get his lovely overprotective moments, or other things that probably don’t seem shippy to others but yes, yes, however much i’m displeased with it, whoever you were, here you go. <3

“So we lay in the dark, cause we’ve got nothing to say. Just the beating of hearts, like two drums in the grey. I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know what we’ve done.  But the fire is coming, So I think we should run.”

[runner-93]

Don’t let you stop you. 

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

x

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

parents: “u should be more active” me: 

[runner-93]

Source

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

[runner-93]

Want to build a stronger core? Try mixing up your ab-workouts with this planking variation. Start in an elbow plank position. Extend your left leg out to the side, gently tapping your toes on the ground. Bring your foot back into a plank. Repeat the same movement with your right leg. If you’re just starting out with this exercise, aim to complete 6-10 reps.

Try it here - get.zova.com

[runner-93]

ZR S3: M44-45 - Angst!

Hey guys, I've decided to write a story about the aftermath of Runner 5's mind-controlled adventures.  Everything that happened after getting back to Abel but before Mission 46.  

Those missions were brutal, and the emotional fallout.... well, I love angst and my 5 (I don't know if it's the same for you guys), well, my 5 is not handling what she did while mind-controlled very well.

If anyone does read this, let me know what you think.

Stay safe.

Runner Three, Simon I remind myself sharply, sits in the passenger seat of the vehicle he and Amelia used.  He sits there but I can feel him looking at me, I can feel the mix of smug satisfaction and pity in his eyes.  We’re on our way back to Abel and I can’t even look him in the eyes anymore. 

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to face them… after everything I’ve done, that she made me do?  Who am I kidding.  She didn’t make me do anything, all she had to do was ask and like the good dog I was I jumped at the chance to make her proud.  It didn’t feel good, not exactly, not like Dr. Meyers said it did.  It didn’t feel bad, but it didn’t feel good.  Not that it matters because I did everything she wanted anyway. 

All those people on the boats…

Whoever got hurt at Abel when I opened the gates…

I did that.  Runner Three – Simon! - was right, I am a monster.  Everything I did, the threat I still represent… That’s all on me, in me. 

Simon… he used to be one of us, one of the best of us.  He used to be Runner Three.

Who the hell am I if I’m not Runner Five anymore?  I don’t deserve to go back.  They should take me to New Canton, somewhere they can lock me up or put a bullet in my head if I put anyone at risk again. 

How am I supposed to face them….

Jody and… and Sam...  I hurt them.  I can’t remember how badly, oh god don’t let it be badly.  Simon said Sam was still alive, that I didn’t kill him, Simon wouldn’t lie about that would he?  My memories… I don’t remember how it ended! I remember lifting my axe, I remember bringing it down on Sam (again and again) he could be dead, he might be dead.  Simon would have lied if he thought it was the only way I’d willingly go back.  I hurt Jody so badly and then just left her to the zoms.  Sam could be dead and I’m the one that…

Simon reaches down and shoves an empty pail towards me (intuition or experience I wonder distractedly) just before my stomach can clench and try to empty itself of its contents.  I don’t know if it’s lucky or not that I haven’t had anything to really eat or drink in a while.  I don’t know if it would have made me more miserable or less if I had. 

I deserve this.  I deserve more.  I should suffer for what I’ve done.  Even after the dry heaves stop, sweating and gasping, I hang onto the pail and press my too-warm forehead against the cooler glass of the window. 

We’re almost there. 

I don’t even need to open my eyes; running, walking or sitting in a van the path to Abel is carved into everything I am. 

Everything I thought I was. 

Now what am I?  Just another Runner that let them down.  Just another traitor in their midst.  Another murderer.

Who am I if I’m not Runner Five anymore? 

How am I supposed to look anyone in town in the eyes if I can’t even bring myself to look at Simon and Amelia?

The van slows, brakes whistling just a little, as Amelia pulls up in front of the gates and stops.  I can hear some covering fire, but it seems almost lazy, there must not be anything close enough to pose an actual threat. 

“We’re here Five.”  Simon tells me, as if I don’t already know.  “I know how you’re feeling, I can guess at least, but you can’t run from everything and you shouldn’t.”  The alarms barely register over my sudden anxiety, the loud mechanical noises of the gate opening to bring me home. 

I’m shaking.  Like tremors in an earthquake, I can feel them start in my bones and work their way to the skin.  Exertion?  Almost certainly.  Panic attack?  That too.

“Five?”  Simon says again when I don’t move or respond, he’s out of his seat now.  Standing in the open door across from where I’m debating whether or not my body is actually capable of running more than a few feet before it collapses. 

You can’t run from everything.  If only I could.

“Don’t call me Five.”  I try to growl, but the words scrape their way out of my throat like sandpaper.  I end up sounding tired and broken, even to myself. 

Smiling with that goddamn mix of smugness and pity again he reaches for me and I let him pull me out of the van.  I want to run.  I want to put myself as far away from Abel as I can, so far that I can’t ever be used to hurt them again.  But I can’t.  I’m too worn down, everything hurts and my vision is having trouble focusing on anything for more than a few seconds at a time.  I’ve got nothing left.    

Besides…

I deserve this.  Some things can’t be forgiven, whatever Simon may say or think on the subject, Abel will see me for the threat I am and lock me up, they have to.  What else could they do? 

“Do you need me to walk you in?”  Simon asks, a mocking lilt to his voice that makes me scowl, but given the condition I’m in I doubt it’s as intimidating as I’d like.

“No.”  I jerk away from him, there are people standing at the gate now, more than I’d expected unless I’ve started seeing double as well.  I start to walk away from him and stop, glancing back (still without meeting his eyes) as he gets back into the passenger seat and shuts the door “thanks for coming after me,”  I tell him, “thank you for getting me away from her.”

“Anytime Five, we’re in this together now remember?  Two peas in a dysfunctional pod.  See you around.”

“Don’t call me Five.”  I say, mostly to myself, as he and Amelia drive off.

There are people coming towards me now, only a few, the rest are being held back.  Sighing against the inevitable I start walking towards them.  Each step reminds me how tired I am, reminds my legs how spent they are, how much it hurts.  I walk anyway.  I deserve this. 

“Runner Five?” 

Dr. Myers reaches me first, walking backwards right in front of me to peer into my face, when I look away she grabs my chin, forcing me to stop moving, and tilts it up so she can see my eyes. 

Whatever she sees changes her expression from professional concern to something else, something that hurts more.  “I see.”  She says softly as I pull out of her grip and start walking again.  “So that’s how it is.” 

I don’t say anything.  Can’t say anything.  In the face of Abel, of all these people I know and hurt and betrayed my voice dies inside me. 

“Come on Five,” Myers says, walking beside me now, a couple of Janines men on either side of us, “it’ll be okay.” 

Staring at the ground as I am I don’t see Sam as the gate closes behind us, but I can hear him.  I can always hear him, I’m conditioned to hear his voice, to seek it out of anything else that might be going on around me. 

The relief is almost enough to stop me, almost enough to make me look.

He’s alive?!  I didn’t kill him?!

He’s shouting now, angry.  At me, I assume, and I try to focus so I can hear the words.  He deserves to shout, and I should listen. 

“What do you mean I can’t see her now?  What’s wrong with her?  I thought Simon broke the mind control so why are you keeping me away?  Five!  FIVE!  I just need to know she’s alright, I mean look at her!  Does she look alright to you right now?  Please, just let me see her for myself!  Maxine, what’s going on!?  What’s wrong with Five?”

My guards move me swiftly through the streets until I can’t make out anymore. 

Why does he still care?  Why doesn’t he hate me?  They should all hate me.  I hate me. 

Dr. Myers takes me to the room I usually wind up in whenever I have to come to the hospital and sits me on the bed.  “Five,” she starts gently, “We’re going to restrain you, just as a precaution, we just need to make sure the mind control is broken okay?  It won’t take long, I promise.”  

I nod and hold my hands out, grateful not to be walking anymore, not to be standing.  As one of the guards cuff me to the bed frame (bolted to the floor) Dr. Myers begins doing her job, taking a blood sample and giving me a general checking over. 

Safe.  A treacherous part of my mind whispers to me when my thoughts start to drift. Home.

I’ll never feel safe again, never be safe to be around.  Not with this monster inside of me.  Not with all the blood on my hands. 

“Five?  Five, stay with me… Jackson, go get Dr. Lobatse…”

Whatever else she might have said is lost in a bunch of white noise as (Safe my mind whispers again) I let the past couple days of no sleep, no food, nonstop running and fighting (and murder I remind myself harshly) catch up to me. 

It’s a relief when I finally pass out…