runpicket

[runpicket]

i’m retiring, not that anyone looked at my page or posts anyways.

i’m so tired, i’m tired of everything. i’ve been hopeful for so long and everytime i feel better, it just tears me down again.

dw i’m not killing myself or anything lol, im just shutting down. it’s been long enough, im done.

[runpicket]

i strongly dislike my cousins, only a specific group of them.

i’m considered to be close with them but that’s only bc i let them push me around and talk down on me while i was watching, whenever id stick up for myself they would tell me that im “being too sensitive” or “it’s a joke”

recently i stopped walking on eggshells around them and started voicing my own opinions, i stuck up for myself. they didn’t like that, they still don’t and they think im joking but i never say i am. i hope it gets through their thick skulls that im done being their voodoo doll.

[runpicket]

my whole life i’ve been alone, i was never fully okay with it but i accepted it cuz what else could i do abt it? i was 9 when i realized how alone i am

even though i was surrounded by friends and family i couldn’t help but feel alone, i tell myself no one really knows me bc how can they if i don’t even know myself?

i am 19 turning 20 and i’m still alone, i wonder if this is a permanent thing. i hope not.

[runpicket]

data log 02/14/25 2:32 am

why? how?

how am i cared for when im such a fucking nightmare to deal with, i feel so lost

i actually despise myself, it would be so much better if i wasn’t here.

but i like living sometimes, it helps me stay. plus living keeps me human, i want to see how much more i can take before finally taking my own life

if you want to find me spiritually, look for me in

‘в последний раз’

[runpicket]

current data logs

i ran into my cousin who absolutely hates me, we had a lot of bad history together from 2020.

i admit i said some things to them that i regret but i apologized.

i so badly miss them but i don’t think they ever want to talk to me again. i mean fuck, we are family. i want them to meet my future kids, i want to be in their life. we have so many photos together as kids, what am i supposed to say when my future kids find those? oh your auntie totally hates me and wants nothing to do with me anymore, we can’t go to see her.

i’m thinking of sending another apology and trying to clear things up, that’s how bad i miss her.

[runpicket]

sometimes i think.

my current thoughts want me to pull away from people, they are already talking about how cool and fun this other girl is, the jealousy and envy i feel when they chat about her. they used to talk about me like that.

“she’s so cool”

“she’s gonna be the best roommate”

“she!”

“she!”

“she!”

“she!”

right in front of me, my replacement. she’s in front of me and they are showering her with positive things that used to be towards me.

i can feel myself changing, maybe this year i’ll give it another try. but i will be low maintenance, i’ll pull away, i’ll stop talking, im just gonna disappear, mentally.

i fear being replaced and it’s happening, i can’t stop it so i’ll just let it happen.

[runpicket]

surprise surprise i’m sad again, the sadness never goes away it seems; it’s just muffled somedays.

and somedays it comes in big waves, once i get a breath of fresh air it comes back bigger and harsher. i expect it at this point, it’s like an old friend i can’t seem to get rid of, nor do i even want to if im being honest.

i find comfort in my sadness, even if it’s making me feel hopeless. i call it ‘the sad’.

i fear i will lose my friends if i were to listen to the sad, to be honest i think i will lose everything if i listen to it. sometimes i just want to be nothing at all, i want to be worthless, i want to feel like i have nothing to hold onto just so i can leave without feeling guilty about those i am leaving behind. yet people care for me, but it’s a huge weight on my shoulders because honestly i could leave when i want but the feeling of them being infected with the sad hurts. i am trapped, with no air to breathe. i am slowly suffocating and everyone sees it but can’t do anything because for my case, its inevitable. i will die someday, i want to die. sooner or later, on my own terms or by accident.

maybe then, the sad will stop tormenting me.

i also fear that somebody will love me, not platonically but romantically. i won’t stop it and i want it to happen but knowing that i will die soon will probably kill them emotionally, and i hate hurting others but i can’t control it, everyone who comes into my life seems to get hurt by me. that’s also part of the reason that i will die, i want to stop hurting others like i have been before.

i’ve seen what broken people have done to the people that care for them, i’m in that process, i can see myself spiralling into that path, it’s just taking longer than expected. honest to god, i hope a speeding car swerves into me or a drunk driver crashes me. so it’s not intentional and they won’t be mad at me.

please don’t be mad at me, i’m just hurting and i don’t think it will go away even with the right help.

i love everyone in my life, i just wish they didn’t love me.

[runpicket]

choosing to love someone is like cling wrap, once you lock onto that person and scrunch onto them…it hurts to get off.

you tear apart, parts of you stay clung to them and parts of them cling onto you.

but overtime, those parts stop sticking to you.

they fall off or you pick them off, you get to choose the healing method. neither is the wrong option.

you just keep stretching and create a new version of you.

another version to cling onto someone else, maybe this one won’t tear.

[runpicket]

doozy

hi it's me again. i find myself coming here whenever something is on my mind. right now something is on my mind and it's making me feel down. yet i can't pinpoint it, it's like it's hiding in my train of thoughts. I've always felt like this. my mind is a haze and i can't seem to clear it, to find that thing responsible for making me feel this way. i can feel the sense, urge, feeling growing everyday. some days are better but i can tell it's still there, but its muffled on the good days. On the bad days, it's a feeling i can't explain.. maybe i can. I feel the urge to just not be here anymore, i don't want to die but i just don't want to exist yk? if i couldn't exist for a day or two....i think that would heal me. alot of things could heal me but the things i want to do are permanent and non-refundable, i can't risk that. i am a very reckless person, i've been in a lot of life-threatening situations yet i'm still here...i wonder why. maybe i'm still here for something, but i still haven't found that something. i'm yearning for that thing, to know why i'm here. i'm searching for an answer as to why i'm alive. maybe that's why everyone is alive, because they have hope that they will find that "something" in their lives. but look at us, we are searching and whether you think you've found it or not...there will always be another "something" to search for. you just keep living, through the bad and good. this is reality, humanity. we are human.

[runpicket]

life is a doozy 🌀

[runpicket]

a poem i made in memory of my grandfather 🤍

“i’m here”

i’m here worrying about my finals and the amount of homework i have to do before it’s due.

there he is, ill and fragile; worrying about how he’s going to break the news to me.

i’m here wondering how he’s doing, i have a smile as i think about the day i get to see him again.

there he is, wondering when his last day is; a frown on his face.

i’m here crying and worrying but not about my work, it’s him.

there he is, laying in that damned hospital bed; where he would be for the rest of his days.

“i’m here”, i call out to him. i walk to his hospital bed, my hand resting on his.

he’s there, non responsive as the beeping in the room fills his ears. he feels my hand and squeezes it.

“it took awhile but i’m here”, the words ring throughout the room as the beeping stops.

he’s there…but not here.