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Children of the Plateau Photography by: Conch Shell

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a few sips of wine to make me feel flushed

a few sips is never enough

light on my tongue

with you it’s so fun

collapse into dust; i think i’m in love

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I literally hate every job in the world. I don’t want them. I don’t want ANY of them!

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look at us

we go on and on again

holding me up like a flying buttress

pressing me down into the mattress

flying fish, it's my dying wish

to have their last kiss

if you take a leap

i hope you fall into my cavity

i want to feel your gravity

on and on again

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if you are a crow

i am a raven

at your first caw

you were my haven

once upon a midnight dreary

while you ponder

weak and weary

i remember when we first crossed flights

an intersection at the park

on the green near the bark

there was wine and worm bites

our chirps in the night

if you are a lizard

i am a snake

you slizzar, i slide

we both hide at the wake

upon the silken snow

our prints scarred the land

i looked back at the plow

you had the upperhand

the wind that would blow

opening the chamber

unveiling the remainder

hanging like a willow

of the raven; of the crow

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day 32

you called at 3am last week. you say that you miss me but you replaced me so easily. even when you had me—that is, my body— you sought for someone else. i had a million questions to ask you. like why did you do that to me? but your answers will never satisfy me. stupidity is not an answer. you are a pathetic person. throughout. you need validation from other people because you are deeply unsatisfied with yourself. i am sorry you felt the need to engage with someone else to cope with not having me. if you weren't so insecure,

if you weren't so egotistical,

if you weren't so pathetic,

day 2

this morning i cried over it. i realized how much of a secret it was to everyone in our lives. i never told anyone how often i saw him. i helped him pick his bed sheets when we went to target together. i think i was the first one to see his new room. i bet you didn't wash your sheets after you had sex with those people. did you lay us down on those same sheets? did you ever tell your friends about me? i realized this morning.

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walking down beep street

trying to make my ends meet

say you miss and want me

it's not coffee making my heart beat

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i feel like a lizard

in this wavering pace

sip slizzard

watching wizards of waverly place

outside the window

3 crows that remember my face

head, shoulders, keys, phone

maybe I’m a crow

trapped in a cage

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day 24

wow. I really don’t care anymore. good for me!

day 2

this morning i cried over it. i realized how much of a secret it was to everyone in our lives. i never told anyone how often i saw him. i helped him pick his bed sheets when we went to target together. i think i was the first one to see his new room. i bet you didn't wash your sheets after you had sex with those people. did you lay us down on those same sheets? did you ever tell your friends about me? i realized this morning.

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day 2

this morning i cried over it. i realized how much of a secret it was to everyone in our lives. i never told anyone how often i saw him. i helped him pick his bed sheets when we went to target together. i think i was the first one to see his new room. i bet you didn't wash your sheets after you had sex with those people. did you lay us down on those same sheets? did you ever tell your friends about me? i realized this morning.

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At a Roger Waters concert somewhere in Europe, June 2018.

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10.16.24

i want to yell into a void but i also hope someone hears me. i don't have money for a therapist or friends that i feel comfortable dumping all this onto. so here i am.

my grandpa passed away. i lived with him since 2009. he lived to be 100. everyone around me says i should be happy he lived such a long life but i never dealt with grief like this before. at his funeral today i couldn't stop crying. in his last few weeks of life i watched him suffer in the hospital and it pained me that there was nothing i could do but watch life escape him. my dad lifted up his hat today at the table and his whole head was grey. i swear he had black hair the last time i saw him two weeks ago. one of the last things grandpa said to me was to find a job. if i could get a job, he would be content because then i could support our family. last monday, i had my first ever in person job interview for a real grown-up job. i was so nervous i didn't tell anyone about it in case i would jinx it. during the interview i told the owner of the firm how i was spending time with my grandpa after i graduated. actually, he had already passed that morning but my mom didn't want to tell me the news before my interview. the office was in times square. i thought i did well. i called in the elevator immediately after. when i got to the ground floor she told me grandpa died.

sobbing in the middle of times square in office attire is not fun. the 50 min subway ride home felt like 2 hours. the firm never called back although they said they would by friday. i think i jinxed it. the saturday before my interview i went out to celebrate my friend's brithday. i tried to save money by taking the train and bus to her place. while i was transferring from the J to the B38 a man came up from behind and groped me. i screamed. so loud. i dropped everything that was in my hands. i kept screaming and then i ran. i just kept running and crying until i saw a place with a lot of people. then i cried and cried and cried. i still went to my friend's apartment becuase i wanted to support her but i wish i just went home. i cried the whole next day. my other friend told me that playing tetris can help ease trauma so i have doing that a lot. sexual assault saturday. family death monday. rejection friday.

whenever i think about myself i want to cry. i wish i didn't feel so useless. maybe i am. i want to go through my grandpa's stuff but it just makes me want to cry more. i am working at comic con in two days i don't know how i am going to do that without breaking down. there's also that stint when i was abandoned by my friends and stranded with a dead phone in another state at night that just makes me more sad to think about. i don't have anyone to talk about all this to. i wish hibernation was a thing for humans.

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Mohammed Alani 2024

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K-Zelle Fall/Winter 1995

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#chert