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25 going on 26

It’s a few days before my 26th birthday. I don’t usually write reflections as much as I used to, however right now I’ve found myself feeling so thankful and grateful for my life and it’s worthy of documenting. I’m grateful everyday for the life I lead, for the happiness I feel.

Turning 26 on the surface makes me feel old. I feel sad that the number just keeps going up and I’m not in my youth anymore. But now I’ve found myself questioning why, why do I feel that? Growing up is great. Being 25 is great and I know so will being 26. I’ve found where I want to be in life and it’s great. I have financial freedom. I have a partner who loves me unconditionally but not only that, he respects me and cares for me and listens and wants to always do his best. With age comes maturity and maturity is great. No silly insecurities and irrationalities. No hiding relationships. Driving a car and staying out late - even though I’m too tired to stay out late. It’s the age haha. 26 is healthy. It’s eating right and loving right and being open and communicative and free and mentally stable. The mental stability is amazing. A true sense of freedom that only age can bring.

So underneath the superficial “oh I’m getting old”, is relief. Relief for growing and ageing and becoming the best version of myself. Letting go of toxicity and irrational expectations and just understanding and letting go of things that aren’t important.

I am so happy and thankful to be ageing. I appreciate every moment in this life I’m living. So although turning 26 sounds so old, I am so grateful to be here.

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I can easily say that 2024 was without a doubt the best year of my life. It was year where I had to constantly stop myself and be like “yes this is real, this is my life and I am happy and it’s great”. Being an adult is great, being in love is great, having money (even though not a lot) is great. I can’t express my gratitude enough for this life and I’m sure 2025 will be just as good, if not better.

I started the year in love and in a new relationship. Ryan has shown me a love I never thought even existed. He makes me feel so happy and cared for. Not only that, he is my life partner. We live life together to its full. He makes me a yes woman. Before I’d say no, it’s too much money. But with him? Yes I’ll go on another holiday. Yes I’ll go to Disneyland. Yes I’ll try this delicious food place. We really experience life and have so much fun. He’s my partner in everything fun and I want to do it all with him. He makes life worth living. This year really was a “yes” year.

In terms of career, the past year has been rocky and awfully long. I started the year hating my job. It was boring, un stimulating, demotivating and just not where I wanted to be. This slowly evolved into new tasks and ventures and eventually me moving into the team and job role I really wanted. It can still be mundane and demotivating at times. But the progress and resilience I made is something to note. I didn’t let my sadness consume me. I didn’t let thoughts of failure and my past decisions cause me to spiral. I saw these thoughts and feelings, acknowledged them, and moved on from them. I didn’t allow them to harm me or my self worth. I may not be where I want to me or living up to my full potential, but I am still oceans apart from the life I used to hate and that alone shows how strong, functional and capable I am as a person. I did that all by myself.

This year I learnt a lot about who I am in terms of the way I love, the way I attached and the way I behave. I uncovered a lot about my personal traumas with my parents, in particularly my mother. This year I started to understand that yes, this was abuse and yes, this has caused me trauma the effects of this will be ingrained into my identity forever. Feelings of guilt, neglect, mistreatment all surfaced. Everything is complex and intertwined and I’m not sure I’ll ever understand it. But acknowledging that it exists is enough for now.

My self worth definitely improved and this was partially down to Ryan. He’s not only kind and loving and complimentary, but he also makes me understand and recognise when I am treated poorly. I came to terms with the fact that one of my best friends is in fact, not a good person and the way she treats me and others is unfair. It’s not that I didn’t know this. It’s that I didn’t value myself enough to separate myself from that. He helped me realise my worth and I am very grateful for this. I have really great people in my life and I don’t deserve anything less.

I’ve had a lot of fun this year. It mainly involved travelling, days out with Ryan and eating delicious food. It was so much fun and I’m so happy and in love. I’m super excited for 2025 - I hope I move in with Ryan! Stay tuned haha.

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2023 has been an interesting year. It's the year I got my first big girl job which is going really well. I feel like my whole life I was working towards having a good career and all my hard work has now put me on the ladder. I'm learning loads and things, career wise, can only go up from here. And I'm so proud of myself for that. If younger Zahra could see me now, she'd be so proud. I wish I could tell her that all of it was worth it. I wish she could see that I made it. But in 2023, I definitely did make it. It's not the best job in the world, but it's my start. I did it.

2023 has taught me a lot about relationships and how I deserve to be treated. This whole year I've been fighting with someone I never should have given a chance to. Everything about this year was good except her. She brought it down. But my eyes are so open to the badness and the toxicity and the manipulation that people can bring. I'm not grateful for her or for the lessons she showed me. I didn't need or deserve any of it. I have no positive spin on that ordeal. She wasted my time and energy. The only slight thing I could say is I know what I don't deserve. I deserve the world and more.

I met a really lovely boy this year. I'm in love with him, in fact and I've only known him 6 weeks. He doesn't know I love him, I'm not trying to go too fast, but I do. With him, I just know. He's safety and warmth. He's so caring and thoughtful and kind. So so kind. I'm so grateful to have met someone like him. I really hope I don't mess it up. I've been hurt a lot but I just know in my gut he's different. Just like how I knew she was bad from the start but I ignored it. He's good. He's so beautiful. I really hope he sticks around despite my flaws.

I travelled a lot this year. Alicante, Marsielle, Vienna, Egypt and Lahore. My biggest year of travel. I'm so grateful to have had these opportunities because they bring me so much joy and freedom. I feel so blessed that I have the capacity to do this.

I'm ending the year feeling so grateful for my life and the people in it. I have the most lovely family in the world. They always support me and care for me and I love them so much. My friends are great and have really taught me the importance of friendship and platonic love. Platonic love is so important and I'm so glad that I have it. My job is great and so are my colleagues. Just to live in the uk and have a home and food and safety and freedom is so amazing. I really am such a lucky human. With this luck I want to bring happiness to others and help those who need it which leads me to my goals for next year.

My goals for 2024 are to be more charitable and giving. I want to strengthen my morals and make a positive impact in people's lives whether that be through money, service or something else. I want to learn more and excel in my career so I can work towards my long term goal of charity marketing. Just because I work for a rich retail company doesn't mean I have lost my morals and can't do good. I want to be a good person. I want to be sensible and not greedy. Not overconsume, not waste. More conscious. Just give back to the world everything it has given to me.

2023 was a good year and I'm sure 2024 will be even better now I only have good energy in my life. I'm happy. Probably the happiest I've ever been in a long time to be in honest. Maybe even ever. This is the life I've always wanted. I'm here, living it.

I'm sat on the floor in St James' Park and it's 55 minutes to midnight. I'll watch the fireworks and go out with my best friend. The world, my world, is good.

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I cannot put into words how much I absolutely HATE this body I'm in.

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Sadness default

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The Godfather

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Me losing respect for you is far worst than me being mad at you.

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i’m tired and want something beautiful and big to happen to me

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Sometimes you have to kiss her softly and tell her that she's good enough.

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““Because when something happens, she’s the person I want to tell. The most basic indicator of love.” - Every Day, David Levithan”

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MISANTHROPY

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I'm 23. It's actually embarrassing