s4mm1

[s4mm1]

31 may 2021

today’s thoughts:

social media

i constantly uninstall and reinstall various social media apps on my phone. sometimes i can go all day without checking them but naturally i give in every once in a while. 

i’ve barely been on my phone the past week and for some reason i feel great. i know it’s only been a week but i’m learning to appreciate the slowness of life. when i’m on my phone i feel the need to constantly stimulate myself by switching through different apps at once, watching video after video, and endlessly scrolling through my instagram feed. next thing i know, i just wasted 5 hours staring at my phone and not getting anything done. i’ll admit though, it gets REALLY boring sometimes. but honestly, a “social media detox” doesn’t always have to be announced, strict, or last a long time. even just limiting your social media use to 1-2 hours per day makes a big difference. 

one of the biggest changes i’ve noticed in my effort of trying to not be addicted to my phone is that i feel a lot better about myself. i tend to compare myself to others and i don’t even notice it sometimes but it gets pretty damaging when i’m constantly bombarded by posts of people who make me feel... kinda bad about myself. i know that’s a ME problem and that those people aren’t responsible for my insecurities but it’s social media. it’s really hard to not compare yourself to other people. 

i think something i need to remind myself more is that social media isn’t forever; nor is it real life. there is so much more to experience and learn and i can’t do that staring at my phone. while i am extremely grateful to have been given a platform, i know that at one point, it won’t mean anything. and i’m learning to be okay with that. 

social media’s fake as fuck so the least i can do is try to be real with yall lol. thanks 4 reading my thoughts... now get off ur phone! ily ♡ 

[s4mm1]

13 may 2021

today’s thoughts

emotions

i used to be terrified of my own feelings. i saw my own vulnerability as a weakness so i constantly kept my guard up even when i was around people i could trust. as a result, i ended up bottling all my emotions and projected all my feelings in very unhealthy ways. i was a very toxic person at one point and i wasn’t aware. 

the moment i decided to make time for myself and fully recognize my own emotions, i realized that the way i treated myself affected the way i would treat other people. i treated myself like shit so my relationship with everyone else was just as shitty. i ended up pushing people away even though i wanted them in my life.

so i decided to see a therapist. honestly a life-changing experience. 10/10 would recommend. after that, i made the deliberate choice to make myself better for myself. i knew that i would not become a better person if i continued to shut everyone out the minute i felt vulnerable. 

it’s been almost 2 years since my first therapy session and i can honestly say that i have grown so much. it wasn’t an easy 2 years but now that i’m here i would never want to go back to where i was. i’m still working on being more open in communicating my feelings to other people. but now i am able to recognize, feel, and detach myself from emotions when they get too heavy. i’ve also begun to see my own (and others’) vulnerability as a strength. it takes a lot to put our guards down and show other people how we feel on the inside and i admire everyone in my life who was able to do so with me. 

one thing that really helped me connect with my emotions more was to start writing them down in a journal (or just on my notes app tbh). my thoughts are very incoherent so a lot of my journal entries are messy. but it helped me put my emotions into words and recognize what made me feel a certain way. i’m trying to be more consistent with my journaling so that’s another reason why i made this account lol. me sharing my thoughts with the internet as if i haven’t had enough of social media for an entire lifetime. 

anyway... thanks for reading this. don’t be afraid to feel vulnerable around yourself and the people in your life. they will appreciate that. trust me. and if they don’t, then at least you know who to let go of. 

your feelings are valid and so are you. ♡ 

[s4mm1]

11 may 2021

today’s thoughts:

i made this friendship bracelet with a person i thought would be a constant in my life. (see photo below)

we went through a lot together and i grew a lot from the experience. it wasn’t a romantic relationship nor was it a platonic one so it taught me a lot about what i want and need in a partner. it also REALLY confused the fuck outta me. i thought this person would be my partner but i’m really glad he wasn’t. 

i was in love with the idea of him. his potential. who i thought he was. but deep inside, i knew that i couldn’t change him for myself. he had to do that on his own but sadly, he wasn’t willing to do so... at least for me lol

today, the friendship bracelet just fell off my arm. i didn’t even notice til i got up from my desk. not really sure what that means or i might just be reaching but i’m taking this as a sign to completely let go of this person. 

i’m in a much better place than when i was “with” him and i’m so relieved. 

so here’s to letting go. cheers!