sabertoothriena

[sabertoothriena]

each thought a pearl

16 July 2025 On a bus As if it were a miracle, my 3PM tuition kid shifted his lesson to the weekend and freed up my afternoon for me to walk around Chinatown after a manicure. Each passing thought began to feel like a small pearl formed under layers, waiting to be discovered and collected. So, I decided to write.

I enter People's Park Centre and head to queue up for thunder tea rice. The stall used to be at Bukit Batok before it closed last year and shifted back here. The vendor spots me and grins with sparkly eyes—his smile radiates warmth, even behind his mask. "Ah, nice to see you again ah!" he beams and I smile shyly, responding with a Hi. My fiancé would never believe I am this shy in public, especially when I bump into someone I know. I order sweet and sour tempeh, and the usual thunder tea rice. At that moment, the vendor spots my wrist guard and asks in Mandarin, "Can you carry the tray?" 

That moment—the tinge of concern in his voice—felt as if an angel had dropped a pearl of human kindness into my pocket and had been waiting for me to realise it. No one knew I had come with a heavy, shelled-up heart that afternoon. It reminded me of a vision I had when Christ had asked me, "Ling, what else is in your pocket?" There had been two rocks, symbolising burdens. This time, I was receiving from above.

I savour the tempeh and tell myself not to dabao some home because there's food at home, and now that I'm transitioning out of my parents' home and into the matrimonial one, I am reminded of abiding by our agreed budget and to accept the reality check: don't be greedy.

A lady in her forties sitting opposite me in too-close proximity at the table keeps stealing glances at me. She had helped to shift my umbrella before I sat down, and I had said thank you, but the staring was off-putting. "Maybe people think you look nice? Stop being so conscious," H and a friend had told me before. Still, I find people who like to stare and let their gaze linger very rude. It's invasive. I look up and she quickly looks away. I find myself thinking about my Japanese nail technician who avoids eye contact (probably a cultural thing). Today she was slightly chattier than usual—often, we sit in silence due to time constraints and the language barrier. "Would you join a nail art competition?" I ask. She responds matter-of-factly, "I don't like competitive. I like peace." Funnily enough, today she told me that she's a Cancer. I nodded, because I like moody people. 

As I walk around People's Park Centre, the small, sporadic shops remind me that we can only ever be at one place, at one time. As I take the escalator up, I asked myself why I like the place so much. The last time I was here was with my mum, years back. A woman's puffy hair reminds me of her. A thought: Maybe I like this place because I feel like I'll bump into my mum at any moment. A watery film glazes over my vision for a little while and the lights around me sparkle before I take a breath. A tear, or rather, a pearl reveals itself to me in the form of a memory when I used to feel a warm glow spread over my heart whenever I would see my mother's face as a young girl. As I grew older, the warmth gradually faded. Buried itself under layers. I blink and continue wandering around. 'Breathe in, breathe out.'

As a daughter of elderly parents, I've come to accept that actually, my parents are not as 'good-natured' as I think they are. God and I have been working on the aftermath of this shattered illusion, and I've been able to hold myself back from lashing out and simply letting natural consequences do the talking. In the absence of words or expression, silence can be very loud, and it can serve you well. The last straw that made me decide it was time to move out happened in silence—and it was effective and productive; meaning, I got the peace I needed in the end. Perhaps it would be nice to bump into my mum, or my dad, some other time instead. Presence doesn't always mean connection, and perhaps this transition is teaching me and them something more profound about our relationship. What that something is, I don't quite know yet.

The contact dermatitis on my fingers are blistering at full force today. Maybe I'm stressed. / 18 July 2025 At Vanda I'm usually very good with transitions and adjusting to new phases of life. This time round, I find myself worrying a bit more about my dad and wondering if he feels lonely. I've been listening and reading to the Word a little more, and can feel that I am letting the Lord tend to a tender spot in me. Do you know what tender feels like? Tender is when your joint is ravaged by gouty crystals and it feels as if needles are poking through the bone from the inside out. A light blanket brushes the joint, which is a shock, and you yelp in pain.

But I keep reminding myself that God is a Healer, and so if I have a spiritual injury, He is the best Person I can turn to for help. After all, He knows my name, and knows each thought, and each tear that falls. I think about Him collecting each one, like pearls, and stringing them to create a necklace of these little moments in my very small life. Only His hands are worthy enough to carry the weight, and to place it around my neck. These burdens are mine to carry, each one formed with purpose. "I know." That is enough.

[sabertoothriena]

[sabertoothriena]

time/line

/ once again, i find myself sipping coffee as if i'm in a different time zone, like i don't need to go to bed. the reality doesn't quite sink in. rather, it overlaps. i choose to have a vanilla and cinnamon risotto for dinner, to which the waiter raises a brow. diagonally across me, a man enjoys a glass of wine, alone. like i am, alone. he doesn't see me but i let my gaze rest on him for a little longer. 

in that moment, my memory throws itself back to a date years ago when i peeled prawns in front of a Polish boy and the juice almost splattered all over him. we got on, but for some reason, i never wanted him back at mine. then i met you. a small part of me is still teetering on that timeline, which, if i'm honest, feels more like a rope. i know who i am, i know who i am with. i'm frustrated because the more i tug on it to loosen myself, the more it tightens itself. funny how i stepped into the open loop voluntarily, naively, of my own accord.

cord. that's the word. the spiritual test will not break me. 

this sweet breakfast risotto has stewed apples on it, but it's a tad too cold for my liking. on this timeline, my free will is a gift. on this timeline, my mother isn't screaming in my head. my intentions are set—scarily even, like boulders. unmoving. for the first time, i feel the full weight of my existence in the here-and-now ten years later. an era. i can't bring you with me because i don't know who you are.

that risotto was so good. the night class will be boring. the coffee will keep me awake. my blistered feet will continue walking this rope, setting me right again. 

// 7.02pm 26 Feb 2025 late for multicultural counselling class but idgaf

[sabertoothriena]

on losing to a metaphor

eight of swords the day i met with the minotaur i told him i was in love with him half-man, half-bull a being broken past the point of monstrosity though he smelled like fear, he walked like a dream i thought i had woken up from he spoke little every word ambrosia and this time, he let me win. wheel of fortune the next morning, my defeat came swift and hard, like what silence does to the open, dysregulated heart as the wheel turned, so my grief did too churning, begging to be taken far away from here ten of cups i have remain unchanged in ten years once again, i find myself losing to a metaphor you haven't made defeat easy and i am furious at you for it. he spoke little every word ambrosia and fuck, how i ate.

[sabertoothriena]

Been listening to Baby Teeth on repeat. What a tune. Favourite lyrics are: I'm getting used to it, rip my womb outside of me I'm as pure, pure as gasoline Sounds violent (probably is) but once you look past it, I think a lot of people don't understand what an abuse victim goes through after having had something pure of them and their identity taken away by an abuser. People who feel worthless (and I have felt it before) tend to feel 'dirty', 'used', 'wasted' - and this is something you have to live with. Imagine having to give birth to the child of your abuser. It isn't so easy to see the child as separate from the mother because the purpose of sex, is essentially how two spirits (one flesh in the context of marriage) come together to make another. I cannot even begin to imagine the neonatal issues that arise from abuse. The rage a woman feels is deeper, more profound than you know. In order to protect one's self, one would rather not have a womb because with it, you can reproduce a potential abuser's 'spawn'. One would rather not be a woman but 'alone', not willing to become one flesh with another, not willing to be in relationship with a man who is supposed to honour, love and protect her at all costs. Why would you? Listening to a lot of #aliceglass has been triggering but as I continue with further studies as a future therapist and counsellor, I find myself being connected deeply with the spirit behind these lyrics. I feel unafraid, and like what Glass has mentioned before: she dances when she's sad. I think it is an art to turn fear into rage. And in my experience, it works. God rest our souls, after death, and in the here and now.

#aliceglass #preyiv

[sabertoothriena]

Summer evenings at Godrevy, 2017

[sabertoothriena]

Your Culture X My Culture: A Guide To Being Nice

‘Culture’ is a big word. Since it’s Gemini season (Moon in Gemini here, hola!), I’m going to try and unpack how I navigated through a 3-year-long ‘cultural exchange’ through my experience with language at university.

When I first started my lessons at Royal Holloway, I remember how certain white British people would turn their noses up at me simply because I communicated differently. Only a rare handful put in the effort to understand where I was coming from. By ‘different’ I mean that I had to catch myself whenever I slurred or cut my words short in order to compress them into a sound that fit the accent they were already used to. Basically, I was begging my mirror neurons to work for me every time I had to attend a class all throughout my first year. Trying on the one hand was difficult. Feeling like my communicated message wasn’t accepted was a whole other ballgame. Was it that deep? Yes, it was, and is still that deep.

I can break my interactions with people whom I am considered ‘foreign’ to down into three tiers, and each tier requires a bit of a leap to reach the other, in this order:

1 - You make an effort to understand what I am saying.

2 - You understand what I am saying, and ACCEPT what I am saying.

3 - You ask and LEARN how to speak like me in order to get a glimpse of my experience and process whenever I code-switch to sound like you. (This requires learning on your part to even begin considering snippets of my history and culture that I carry with me wherever I go, and to communicate with me on that level while acknowledging that you don’t know and will never know everything about the place I come from as you converse with me. And I will do the same with you.)

I still speak in a different accent when I communicate with my British friends and can code-switch back to Singlish whenever I want, but a question I’ve been asking myself is this: ‘Why do I feel the need to speak in an accent in the first place?’ It’s a pressure-cooker of a question, but it is important to me that I am able to answer it. I am confronting that question today.

Did I trust that the Brits could understand my Singaporean accent? No. And by the way, I am impatient as hell, so I learned to speak the way they did in order to communicate messages across in an efficient, surefire way. Did I compromise on my own cultural identity especially since language is such a big part of it? Yes, actually. But I don’t regret it because I saw myself as a guest in their country, though I believe it is their privilege to learn how to speak like me.

I definitely attach pride to my ability to code-switch. Dear reader, you may find the next statement a contentious one, but here goes: I find myself being able to articulate my ideas more when I speak in a British accent. There are certain idiosyncratic words and phrases that express a whole range of various meanings compared to the English/Singlish vocabulary I am already exposed to. There is a certain confident or poise I perform whenever I speak in an accent, and I like how my mind works when my mouth runs on accented, Brit-English fuel.

This is very personal by the way, and I am by no means saying that people are unable to express themselves while speaking Singlish/Singaporean English as compared to the British accent. It just means that I like how I am able to express myself in a different way. Up till today, it is as if speaking in a British accent unleashes a whole other world of speech and expression in my being. There is a different vibe, and with that different vibe comes a new meaning of what it means to even coming close to calling Britain a ‘home’. When I was at university, I would also delight in the fact that I could speak Singlish among my friends and feel connected to both worlds. Strange, yet familiar.

One night, I found myself hanging out with two male friends, the first being a black British, Jamaican-born man and the other a British Lebanese (and ultimate Drake-wannabe, lol) under a shelter in complete darkness except for the red glow of the cigarette we shared. I looked at them and said, “Guys, our backgrounds are so different, yet here we are.” And we simply nodded and grinned in agreement. This is a picture of what Tier 3 (as above) looks like. Another Tier 3 incident was when Tammy started singing a string of Hokkien expletives I had taught her in class. It just so happened that a Malaysian playwright had come in to teach us that day. He smiled and looked at her before turning to me, asking, “So where are you from?” “Singapore.” “Ah.” That was classic.

What’s my point? I learned more by speaking their way, and I relished it.

But never once did I hesitate to correct my friends’ intonations when they used ‘lah’ or ‘leh’ wrongly. You should’ve seen the look on my face when the Dean of the English department pronounced my name wrongly at graduation and added another syllable from god knows where. I was livid.

This is how we communicate and practice acceptance. It’s not very difficult, but it’s definitely not as simple, either.

By the way, to all you culture vultures reading this: three months is definitely way too short for a cultural exchange. If you’re plannning on going for one, make it a worthwhile one. Go for a year if you can afford it. Take your time at each destination if you’re going backpacking. Don’t just make a friend - learn HOW to make a friend. Sure, your mirror neurons will probably be on fire every single day while you’re in a foreign country, but that’s the fun of it, innit.

[sabertoothriena]

So, Set Apart happened.

We sold out all four shows, and want to continue growing much more.

We’re taking about a year’s worth of time to work on the next production.

Thankful for the overwhelming support we’ve gotten from those within and outside of our immediate circles. The world is watching... and it wants more theatre!

Here’s a double chin and a smile of steel to bid you good day! ❤️

[sabertoothriena]

Pilgrimage

Some days you run out of breath singing this song of ascents. Some days you can only sing but not move.

Perhaps this is Part I: Hopelessness

Every teaspoon of faith a forced feed like some deep implication waiting to manifest. But you weren't a detective the last time you checked.

It feels more and more like a consequence as every bit of rock eats into the sole of the one strong foot you thought you could rely on.

But even the callous on that one doesn’t grow fast enough.

The feeling is always ungentle when it comes to blaming the family for one’s learned behaviour, but the moment of conviction is surprisingly ...sweet. After all, original sin took place in a garden abundant with stone fruit.

It is so easy to take a bite only to have your teeth fall out one, by one.

Lord, measure me in grit and I can only spit at You with tar. I love the Psalms, I truly do, but the road to heaven is so long.

[sabertoothriena]

difficult beauty

“The artist is not divided and she is not for sale. Her clarity of purpose protects her although it is her clarity of purpose that is most likely to irritate most people. We are not happy with obsessives, visionaries, which means, in effect, that we are not happy with artists. Why do we flee from feeling? Why do we celebrate those who lower us in the mire of their own making while we hound those who come to us with hands full of difficult beauty? If we could imagine ourselves out of despair? 

If we could imagine ourselves out of helplessness? What would happen if we could imagine in ourselves authentic desire? What would happen if one woman told the truth about herself? The world would split open.” (From Jeanette Winternson’s Art Objects: Essay on Ecstasy and Effrontery)

[sabertoothriena]

Elmbank on hold

I’ve been overthinking Larkin memory of a blue-cut Heathrow billowing through the never ending summer of love my boy’s rose-bitten lips now a shadow disappearing on black corners on black streets and it goes deeper still, forcing the rewriting of light streaming in from high windows,  hands cupped to receive revelation of the darkness beyond.  -- 31 August 2017  3:02 AM

[sabertoothriena]

x - X

"I think a lot of art is trying to make someone love you. Doing a little dance for one particular person. But it's all bigger than that now." —Keaton Henson

x - X

if this is the journey i have walked right back to the start, made myself a bed and got in. but to rouse from sleep, changed, is a different matter.

x. it came in threes: an M.A., a flat, a salary

your wants were always black and white hand ever-ready to drive itself through an angry lacquered door

a strong finish that looked like saving

xx. we knew march to be sudden doom in spring.

xxx. reappearance

a once (or twice) occurrence of a lover's name etching its authority into your body - flash of taste - the angry hand - violence to mark that V-day morning dare you believe abuse can still be done from afar

X. (i know you loved me through your later photography / i know you wanted babies with me when we stopped outside the estate agency / i know you couldn't see the money)

[sabertoothriena]

A Sound Mind

5 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;   you make my lot secure. 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;   surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;   even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I keep my eyes always on the Lord.   With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

(Psalm 16:5-8)

A lot of my skills in writing, song and drama are being applied both at work and outside of it, which reminds me of a phrase Dan McCollam shared at Sounds of the Nations, a worship/songwriting conference: “Your follow through leads to your breakthrough.” I'm writing this post as a word of encouragement to those who are currently seeking God's will for their careers and ultimately, their lives. It's no secret, but read on anyway!

In the Christian context, ‘following through’ stems from obedience and faithfulness to constantly align our hearts to God���s purpose for our lives. And thank goodness God isn’t mysterious in this aspect; we start by asking what we are really passionate in doing/seeing happen, and we commit that to God. I know that I want my life to overflow with words and movement to bless others, but it has taken me awhile to 1) stop myself from getting distracted with the pressures of getting a full-time job 2), worrying myself over money-making and 3), to simply be still instead of flitting left and right.

I think that there's always a point when we give up because we can't do it in our own strength anymore. That's when we let God. He sees that, and He honours it. There was one night when I was desperately praying into whether or not I should take up yet another internship at church and a thought popped into my head: Why don't you take a Spiritual Gifts test to help streamline your passions as to where you would like to serve in? So I did, and praying into those gifts has helped me to get a better grasp of what I naturally and already like to do, which also aligns to the kind of person I am most satisfied being in Christ.

Later, I suggested that our cell do it together, and we compiled everyone's gifts into a list which we shared on our Whatsapp group chat. We've known each other for quite awhile, so we know the quirks we all have (some more than others), but getting to know everyone's gifts actually filled me with a sense of DELIGHT to know that these spiritual gifts complemented each person's nature to the tee. This little but significant exercise then led to the creation of a form as put together by our cell leaders. (Action point +1!) The form lets our cell members pick areas where they would like to serve in (it ranges from organising birthdays, to cooking for each other to leading cell lessons/worship) - which I think is brilliant because it not only celebrates our gifts, but it also demonstrates how we are all called to STEWARDSHIP in the kingdom of God through action-oriented leading and serving! We can serve as we lead, and lead as we serve.

When things are managed or rather, stewarded according to the rhythm and atmosphere of Heaven, it leads to the creation of even more opportunities where blessings can overflow. Praying is not inaction; it is a prerequisite to the release of God's power.

I've been absolutely captivated by the reality and concept of stewardship after attending the SOTN conference which took place just a few weeks ago. In creating, we are always managing. But we can also be assured that when we steward creation according to the 'creative dominion' that God has ordained, because He is a Creator, He is already writing our life stories in partnership with us. This encompasses the ups and downs, and God will always prove faithful even through the mistakes we make, because we are already working within His will! The world is watching our lives each and everyday. So even as you read about mine on here, I'm going to share a little bit on what I learnt at SOTN.

McCollam shared about the wonders of genomic music (a result of how ‘musical patterns [are] translated from base sequences in DNA’) and also did some expository teaching on Genesis 1:2.

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

McCollam focused on how the 'Spirit of God was hovering', which is translated from 'Ruach Elohim' in Hebrew i.e. the 'wind' / 'breath' / 'spirit' of God. Some Bible translations also use the word 'vibrating' instead of 'hovering', which further extends into our scientific understanding of how particles vibrate and come into form via ENERGY. The verse shows how God the Father brings together particle matter then SPEAKS the earth into MOTION via His Ruach Elohim. The Holy Spirit is essentially a Divine Dynamo.

"Your physiology is a prophecy of your capacity."

McCollam then segways into how God uses the power of Sound, which is sent forth from His Spirit, to sing our biological creation into existence. He also shared a testimony of how a man who had been playing six particular notes on a piano over and over again ever since he was a kid, and was given a sample of his DNA music as a surprise birthday present. When they played the track, the first six notes of the song were the exact six notes he had been playing all throughout his life till that point in time. We don't just carry songs, we ARE spiritual songs that burst forth from the Spirit of God.

The Bible also says that God rejoices over us with singing in Zephaniah 3 with great joy. Reading this verse again is giving me goosebumps. A lady I had never met before drew a bell for me at the Prophetic Art workshop I've been attending, declaring joy over me when I was going through a bit of a rough time at the start of the week. Also, my name is 'Li Ling' and 'ling' - yes, the sound a noisy bell makes - is a nickname my dad gave me since I was a little girl and still uses it from time to time. It was something the lady at the workshop wouldn’t have known. I was also struggling with a situation involving my parents, so this prophetic picture and the word of Joy spoke strength directly into what I was going through.

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."  (Matthew 6:33) 

Going back to the point about stewardship, McCollam also reminded us that we need to be responsible stewards if we want to see revival through the power of song in Singapore. It always, always points back to intimacy with God; how closely we are walking with God each day and how much we press into Him so as to align our will to His is PARAMOUNT. Are we teachable or are we resisting discipline? What does our pride, our greed and our lust look like when He exposes it in the quiet of the night? In the context of worship, 'God inhabits the song that matches the atmosphere of Heaven'. We then, as ambassadors of Christ, are responsible for releasing that atmosphere of Heaven here on earth. That atmosphere could be declarative, affirmative, comforting and so on, but it must always come from God’s unwavering position of Love.

You can imagine how blown away I was after this conference. I’ve always loved singing and I serve for worship every now and then at church, but it's a whole different ballgame when you as a worship leader gain knowledge of the power in singing declarative songs of God's attributes over the congregation. This kept bubbling up in my heart throughout the week before another crazy (in a godly sense) thing happened. On the first day of my internship with BRMC, my pastor shared that he had been praying for me and sensed that worship is an area God wants me to explore and delve deeper into. You can imagine the look on my face as I sat there in my chair, staring at him.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

Finding His will for our lives is really about the embracing what it means to let go and let God. And when we struggle, we want to struggle WELL; we want to lament and grieve with a HOPE in sight. Because the struggle is essentially an event of surrender where you recognise that when the song of your soul and the desires of your heart live in AGREEMENT with the Father's, only then are you able to discern His will for your destiny. So dispel that myth about how God has kept quiet about this, because He is a Father who is concerned about EVERYTHING. We must exercise knowledge and our faith as we read Psalm 16:6, declaring that 'the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.'

I'll leave you with these verses from 1 Corinthians 2:14-16, which says, 

"The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for,

“Who has known the mind of the Lord    so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ."

May our frequencies align with that of Christ’s. May we always seek to understand kingdom purposes and execute our life’s plan in collaboration with Him with a sound mind. In His Love, sabertoothriena x

[sabertoothriena]

Life Together

“Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake [whereas] spiritual love loves him for Christ’s sake. Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force. It desires to be irresistible, to rule…

Human love cannot tolerate the dissolution of a fellowship that has become false for the sake of genuine fellowship, and human love cannot love an enemy, that is, one who seriously and stubbornly resists it. Both spring from the same source: human love is by its very nature DESIRE—desire for human community.

So long as [community] can satisfy this desire in some way, it will not give it up, even for the sake of truth, even for the sake of genuine love for others. But when it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short—namely, in the face of an enemy. There it turns into hatred, contempt, and calumny…

Human love makes itself an end in itself. It creates of itself an end, an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything. It nurses and cultivates an IDEAL, it loves itself and nothing else in the world.

Spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ, it serves him alone; it knows that it has no immediate access to other persons. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love…I must leave him his freedom to be Christ’s; I must meet him only as the person that he already is in Christ’s eyes.”

—from ‘Life Together’ by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

// Before I peel the polaroids off the wall, I’m finding that this excerpt is somehow binding together an understanding of how my experiences in both friendship and love have unfolded to teach me certain things. Last week’s sermon was about testing our desire when it comes to following Jesus, and our pastor noted that every Christian journey begins from you loving God for your own self’s sake. It stems for a place of selfishness, and gets transformed along the way into loving Him simply for who He is and because He loved us first, which then leads to true transformation. And until we understand the STRENGTH of His love through ourselves and our weaknesses, and how much we need Him, only then will we be able to love others with a SPIRITUAL love. I had to be very honest with myself regarding a friendship that ended the way it did earlier on in the year. I had to reassess why it had fallen apart in the first place, and what had continued to ensue even after an apology was issued on my part. I pondered and pondered on whether or not I had committed a mistake so wrong and so dismissive to have my explanations of how I wanted to spend my time dismissed in return. I saw, with my heart’s eyes, a petty hatred that burned in the form of words through social media - a late punishment, an intentional tit for tat. It only showed me that my apology for having previously written a poem so hurtful had not been accepted in the first place when I thought it had. So I kept silent - I wasn’t speechless, but I remained silent. When I stripped away all emotion, I began to see that all commonality had dissolved due to us embarking on different phases and journeys in life; that instead of learning together, the friendship had suddenly become a combative space which encouraged forceful assertion of the other’s ideals. Mentally, I was much weaker than the two. I was hurting from the effects of an adjustment disorder, but likewise, that was never taken into account and my reactive depression was treated like it was a whining child that needed to be disciplined. I only regret having written something so hurtful in the first place. On days when I get time to reflect, I wonder if being honest in the first place would have resulted in a tighter, stronger friendship but I can safely say that I lost all confidence in reconciliation the day I was deemed a ‘part-time friend’. Yet even as I think back on the past friendships I’ve had in my life, I am reminded to give thanks for those seasons when there was harmony and common understanding. But God is also showing me how broken human love is when it is not done for Christ’s sake, but our own. Today, I am ready to live for a purpose bigger than self and pride, and I have never been more sure! :)

[sabertoothriena]

28.07.17

Rebuilding the Walls: A Season of Renewal

"For if the spiritual is not expressed through the physical, it is but mere hypocrisy. But if the physical is not filled with the spiritual, it is but arrogant materialism."

(I personally messaged Pastor Jeremy for this quote. I've read it over and over again and every time I do, I feel like a Sim that has just upgraded her life skills and can now go get a proper job without using the cheat code. Not like we have a cheat code in life anyway, but you get it. Also, pictures of my summer in London are littered throughout this post. ‘Summer in London.’ Mmmm.) This post is so long that I am attaching a Contents list:  • I talk about what we’ve been doing in church  • I talk about how I’ve changed  • I talk about how I approach friendships • I basically talk a lot Enjoy.

The what-we’ve-been-doing-at-church bit: (Then just let it flow already.)  We've been going through the book of Nehemiah at church and in our respective cells, and I love how aptly the series has been named: Rebuilding the Walls. Currently, every batch and generation at our Youth Adult Ministry (YAM) is studying the same, exact material. We are all on the same page, which is a first for me and I just can't stop thinking about how great that is, because when individuals from the different age groups interact with each other, they don't just have an abstract 'something-in-common' to bounce energy off of, but a solid, biblically-sound foundation and knowledge to build their spiritual friendships upon. This then gives us the space and opportunity to celebrate diversity and to revamp the culture at Barker. Whooo! And the best thing is that this extends beyond Sundays, which truly affects how we approach our spirituality/level of accountability to each other outside of church.

We've been doing this in our individual cells throughout the years (we pick a book, we stick to it, then decide on another once we're through) but to experience and see it happening across the majority of the church congregation is even more encouraging. Like I said, this structure opens up more conversations because we have more people from all ages to talk to, to ask how their walks have been, and to simply get to know each other on a deeper level. It's pretty darn magical, what God is doing. We have prayed about this for so long, and now that the time has come, I don't want to miss a single thing. 

With this theme in mind, the question that keeps popping up is 'what needs to be rebuilt in my life?' What is it that God wants to rebuild in me, and the funny thing is...I KNOW what it is, because I face the problem everyday. But Sunday's sermon pinned it down; it urged me to identify and to establish physical frameworks in my life that will eventually lead to 1) full adoration of Christ, 2) unhindered worship and 3) transformation. I have so many bad habits to kick, and I'm not gonna start fretting now - I'm just going to lay them before the cross at this retreat.  

On a personal level, I'm finding that the reasons and purposes of why things happened the way they have are being revealed in this season. While most things may seem like a mystery, wrestling with Christ over the past two months with certain issues has resulted in me being filled with a lot of hope. Every season tests my faith, and while this one is bringing me through just that, God is using this season in particular to show me what a hopeful person looks like, thinks, acts and sometimes, feels. And He has made me so happy. 

Walking through the streets of London gave me the time to review a 'before and after' timeline, specifically in regards to the strength of the relationship I have with myself right now.

This was me, a year and three months ago: Have you ever been alone with yourself, hating every single minute of it? It's not the ACT of being alone, but that your relationship with your self has become so broken, and finding yourself face-to-face with the self you can't get away from simply chokes you for as long as you're feeling that way. You can't see the end of it, and you do all sorts of things to cope with that sense of self. This, of course, is a very simplistic way of describing the reactive depression I dragged my own arse through, but it's the easiest way I know how to describe it.

I recently met up with friends from secondary school and they talked about their turning points. I think back, and my turning point was when I left Dom. He taught me so many things about myself (albeit with a lot of pain) and my heart has finally accepted the fact that he was someone whom I was meant to meet so he could teach me something. What would happen if I met him now, I ask myself, and the answer would be: Nothing I don't want to do. 

It's astounding how much you can change in a year. I've stopped asking for everyone's opinions to solve problems. I simply quieten my spirit, acknowledge the ugly head anxiety sometimes rears, and find that little voice that says, 'just trust it'. Mentally, I've never felt better, and I believe that exercising regularly is what keeps me at my peak every single day. I'm beginning to appreciate routine and discipline, not abhor it. The time and money I've put into training my body at the gym has paid off and in return, nothing is wasted. My body enjoys music, dance, going on long walks in the sun, dying a little on the treadmill and feeling the burn in my arms...

I have never felt more alive.

I've stopped wishing to build a life with someone else - it's me, first. I've stopped wanting to please friends who don't allow me to change in ways they want/expect me to. In fact, while I've become much more selective about the friends whom I place around me, I am also open at the same time. No, it's not strange at all; I have come to terms with who or rather, HOW I am when both opportunities present themselves. I am the same person.

I've also observed that when I treat someone in a special way, he/she seems to question whether they're still special to me when I do something special for someone else. Some people are vocal about it, others choose to keep it from me then seethe silently. Pride and shit. Idk. And all the while, I’m oblivious until they flare up or get soppy.  

But I can't help it; how I show my affection for people has always been intense. I don’t only want to connect with people on a social level, but a deep, mental level. Indie-spirited, but with soul, y’know? This is how I really think, and I’m going to extend it to you. I want to know how you really think, and I want to meet you there. Quick hits, deep dives. And this is why I like poetry. This is why I write. When I’m with you, I want to read you like a poem. To me, it’s my most preferred way to be with people, so I can’t stand being with those who present themselves to me as manuals. I don’t connect with manuals. They bore me because they’re idiotproof. I want to know why. And perhaps this is why it’s crucially important to me that I am shown appreciation whether in friendships, in love, at work or in the family - because that’s when I really know we’ve connected and nothing rivals that. It’s intense, I know. In a way, I like collecting harmonious relationships and I, too, get possessive over them.

But I’ve come to a point where the more I’m dismissed, the faster I run in the other direction. Because I know my boundaries, and I know the future emotional toll that will come screaming in if I don’t take care of myself first. Is your worst fear related to heights, or being trapped in a room, or breaking a bone? Mine’s being upset. It makes me want to die. It’s the intensity of it that I cannot bear. What an ego, I know. But it’s the truth. Can I be happy forever? No. But I can be content. I will be content just being content.    I think it's a sign of maturity to be less reactive to everything, both externally and internally. It’s true, I have grown. Slowly, but firmly. This could even be a new way of how I handle future conflict that will pop up as and when, but for now... I'm just going to be basking in the sheer power of silence with a coffee and a mind full of art. Let me read you like a poem, then maybe we can be friends. Sheesh, I sound so creepy.

6 hours to YAM Retreat 2017. I  AM  P S Y C H E D!  

[sabertoothriena]

5. 07. 17

I fly to the UK tomorrow and British Airways has just about doused my excitement with its devastating announcement of a 16-day long strike.  It matters, because this trip will mark a full circle of struggle and growth—and it is my intention to end it with friendship in the form of a plane ticket to see my favourite faces. They got me through so many events, from the severing of a relationship to when I reached my breaking point with dreams that weren’t meant for me at the start of this year. And what a breakthrough it has been. I am so close. To finally sit down with them and to talk about a hundred things under the British sun will be the first of many, much-needed gasps of air; an undeserved, yet long-awaited taste of freedom. Every single conversation over the span of the last three years has revealed a deeper answer as to why friendship exists in the first place each and every time. It’s as if we hold our hearts out to each other whenever we’re together, raw. The most precious thing has been their complete faith in me even if we don’t Skype as much as we should. I want to bring some relief to the strain that the long distance has placed on the 7 of us. Yes, the distance is inevitable, but this was an opportunity I’ve planned to see through since November last year. So I pray it happens! God only knows how much we need this! Exclamation mark! Since I’m writing, I might as well reflect. As you do. I’ve had a lot of peace regarding being called a ‘part-time friend’. This time, I decided to let my side of the story to simply just...be. To think that I’ve gained some of the sweetest friends along the way and throughout the process has got to be one of the biggest blessings in disguise. (Hi God, you really got me good this time.) In fact, it seems as if He orchestrated the situation and hardened their hearts or perhaps, guarded mine, so that more mercies and glories could be revealed. After I read whatever was posted about me, the very first memory that popped into my mind was of Nikki telling me she had prayed for me while I was still in an abusive relationship. After I made the decision to leave, she sat me down and told me what God had made known to her: “Stop telling Li Ling all the things she’s doing wrong. Tell her what’s beautiful about her and let her know that she is worthy until she believes it. Encourage her instead.”  Niks was the one who held me in her arms every single time I broke down, and I remember crying so hard because I couldn’t believe I had her there to love me through all the pain. She could sense whenever I was hurting even without having told her anything at all since all I could do at the point in time was to try my best to stifle the crying so that no one would hear me. It was right there, in that room that still smelled like him, in that little house otherwise known as 44 Elmbank, where a friend (whom, by the way, I was baptised with on the same day on 30.11.2015) showed me that I am worth the pursuit. She pointed me back to Him—the very first Lover of my soul, and my one, true Friend.  His glories are still in the midst of unfolding, and that’s something I truly admire about the Christian God: He brings tangible joy to the world’s stubborn grip on end-thinking. He makes space for us and a way when there is no way. And every time he does, he flings wide the gates of the spiritual realm to show us little glimpses of heaven to either empower or discipline us. 

We have also been preparing for this year’s Young Adult MInistry (YAM) Retreat, and we’re focusing on the theme of ‘Spiritual Friendships’—and no, I refuse to write this off as mere coincidence! I feel as if everything is unravelling to teach me a solid lesson and to change my perspective towards romantic relationships, even. Some days, I am amazed that He knows me so much more than I can even know myself. For me, every connection I establish with a person in the end begins with a small seed of trust. In your mind’s eye, imagine that seed being embedded in soil, which we shall, for the analogy’s sake, deem as friendship. Go even deeper and you’ll realise that the magnified version of the ‘soil’ is the earth itself, which is grounded on my understanding of how Christ has been an unwavering, faithful Friend to me throughout every season in my life. And perhaps this is the way God’s truth affirms His own nature; when His truth is your foundation, we are unshakable just as He is, because He cannot lie. It’s not even that He will not—the word chosen here is ‘cannot’ (1 Samuel 15:29).  The challenge, of course, is not to compromise. Say no to bad behaviour. But whether we choose to engage or disengage, if the end goal is not one of reconciliation, then we have every right to let it go gently.  What a journey 2017 has been, and we’re not even halfway through. I’m so ready for the next adventure so please, British Airways. Please give me this.  

[sabertoothriena]

Metaphor

It is an 'and' ending with a question mark. A semi-colon relating to nothing of the like. Or love. There is no pushing your way around cages that look like doors in a home, each floorboard an alligatored splinter; no waving of wands to lift the curl of an eyelash or the skip in a flat-heeled step - which, by the way, is still a missed step - that trysts the Other's heart off the ground, hurling it into a starry firmament now grown blurry. But the earth beneath is too mediocre for gods like us and for once, the tarot lies. It does not bring you through but back, to a carefully culled feeling so present it stings. Do we truly love the truth more than the lie? Ask it twice, then recognise it for what it is: a sentence running on silence only to produce an answer screaming with questions; a waxing and waning of a Cancerous moon aiming to cut a means to an end that arrived much too soon. A hurt yang, a broken synergy.