sadgeckocorner

[sadgeckocorner]

holy shit its 10 am and im already in a fucked emotional state i think that comes in the top 5 times i got emotionally fucked the fastest

[sadgeckocorner]

finally understood where my communication anxiety comes from. and my general anxiety.

[sadgeckocorner]

so yeah. here is me. lonely guy mcalone. dont have any friends, havent for a decade. i "study" at one of the most recognized colleges in my country/continent in some areas. got in by sheer dumb luck and universal depressed irony. i dont know how im still in it, i dont have the scores to actually go after an academic life, im really not smart enough for this and they just suck at noticing it and thats why im still there really. im just good at remembering stuff, not at critical thinking, and i feel like my peers fucking know that for some stupid reason and they all collectively decided to ignore me maybe? theres friend groups in the fuckin halls and goddamn i envy them so much. im so fucking lonely. and i am going to keep being alone because i dont know how to be a social human being. i dont know how to keep any conversation more than small talk. if i do and i fail and of course i will fail because there has been a fucking decade since the last meaningful relationship i had with someone that i got with my own merit and not by fucking pity i will be considered a creep. a weirdo. no one wants to be the friend of the one who has none, no one wants to find out why theyre lonely. i dont know how to be a friend. i dont think i would be a good one and people deserve good friends. god im so fucking lonely thats not even a feeling anymore its a hunger im hungry im lonely im desperately lonely and an absolute coward. i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable and why are all my thoughts always just me me me all the stupid fucking time of course no one would want to be friends with someone that only thinks of themselves all the time. i dont have a future. i think my only two options is to take a dive out of the roof or to smell enough cocaine to rot my brain while im still alive but in both mom would be fucking sad. my sibling too. and maybe one of them would read this stupid blog and they would maybe feel bad about it or maybe they wont. i dont want anyone to pity me. i dont want to be a case of poor little mary cant fucking talk like a person and i dont want to turn to my sister social cycle and be like a leech to him and then her friends to find out that i cant fucking function and leave my sister alone and she deserves more. also if by some stupid irony of destiny someone reads this written meltdown im sorry for the possible triggers. if someone doesnt then i think ill just go fuck myself i guess

[sadgeckocorner]

GUESS WHO IS FEELING LIKE THEYRE AN IMPOSTOR TO EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIFE AND IS SUCH AN IMMATURE PIECE OF SHIT THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY???? UH???? MAN I GOTTA FIND THAT MEDICINE no joke tho i think that theres nothing going on in my brain its just empty space and if the people im kinda seeing now (because of course im just seeing people now. ive never done that before. why the fuck cant i function in a social setting) discover that im a really fucking weird guy not only i will fuck a possibly friendly situation up again but i will also bring my brother down with me and fuck her social life too. i know none of these thoughts make actual sense and my therapist would metaphorically slap me if he knew about them but they sure look like theyre making sense right now so i suppose im going to try and follow their logic to the fullest and see if it makes any actual sense later maybe

[sadgeckocorner]

it surely is a new low to cry when watching porn

[sadgeckocorner]

i feel like i am too bitter to function as a human being

[sadgeckocorner]

dunno man ijust sometimes kinda want to split my head open