sadgotnef

[sadgotnef]

The whole culture is telling you to hurry, while the art tells you to take your time. Always listen to the art.

Junot Díaz (via wordsnquotes)

[sadgotnef]

[sadgotnef]

Blabbering time:

Okay, two years, damn! Alright...

Have I actually learned/moved forward? Yes. Not so much in leaps or bounds, more of a snail’s pace but forward nonetheless. Yet in the tiny little space of growth I feel like I’ve changed so much because if you asked me to go back to two years ago... Why?! Ew, no stop. Am I physically in the same place? Yes. And honestly I know I’m not gonna grow into the person I’m capable of being if I’m in a negative environment, but there’s nothing I can do about that (yet). And I’m not going to fret about a situation I can’t control. But I can control how I feel about it and how much of it I let it affect me.

I legit love myself instead of just tolerating myself. I’ve realised how my withdrawal from the world caused me to neglect the people I care about. And despite my reluctance to do anything, they stuck by me. For too long. I’m truly sorry. You have been and still are on my mind everyday, and I’m sorry that it was all in vain because it didn’t transcend to actual contact between us. And I know, I know you don’t and never will hold it against me. If you do, I don’t blame you. I’m here for whenever you’re ready. So thank you to those that pushed through me at times (two freaking whole years!) when I thought I wasn’t worth love because, “I’m a horrible person and well it was going to be about time that you’ll all see that too”. Your persistence in making me understand that I’m human and that I matter in your lives, even in the most smallest of ways, broke me out my funk.

Mental health and the way it can effect you is real. But I let hinder my life in the most selfish way. I suffered alone when I didn’t need to. I inadvertently let it effect those around me. I didn’t even try to fight it, I gave up on myself and those that loved me. Now this isn’t coming from a place where “I’m back to my old self”. Having dealt with this for, consciously, nearly 10 years now. I don’t know what an old me is. But I’m going to become the person I want be, a person that doesn’t neglect people and herself. I’m not there yet, and the thought does not count, because I’m tired of existing like this.

Sadly I know that with a tonne of love, it’ll bring a tonne of hurt. But I can’t let the latter stop me. If I want growth and to live a life I will be proud of, the hurt is unavoidable, but it won’t define who I am. Life is all the good and the bad, I’d rather that than this numb state where nothing is happening. In thinking I was protecting myself from the bad, I couldn’t accept the good.

[sadgotnef]

I post stuff just to delete them tbh

[sadgotnef]

Hi, I really have nowhere to write or express my feeling/thoughts. I deleted my previous blog in which I built a diary like platform because I felt it no longer expressed who I was and where I was in life, and also because I was embarrassed of anyone ever finding it. With that decision though, I soon found myself without an outlet to write out what I am going through. I don't know if it was too autobiographical or... however I still need a place to word vomit my inner thoughts. So here I am starting again. It's not for anyone to read and like I said for myself to look back and read through them. Just as a way to get things of my chest. Diary à la 21st century: social media.

First things first. You shut yourself off for WWAAAAAAYYYYY TTTTOOOOOOO LLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG. Talking two years too long. Slowly I'm starting to think maybe I should show myself out again. Maybe should finally see a psychiatrist (nine years too late). All in all, there's too much to cover because Depression™ is starting to set back in (yay! the S.A.D) so...

I'm 24, sounds weird, sounds exciting. I'm starting to feel like despite the depression and anxiety, I'm feeling more and more like 'myself' and growing to love her. I'm learning more about myself (having likes and dislikes and the hypocrisies in between) which makes me feel more human. And being human = love.