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[saejinws]

sunhwaws:

. . .

“you’re like… the second coolest person i know, and it doesn’t get much cooler than the number one spot. so in my eyes, you’re way out of her league.” she actually did consider saejin to be extremely cool since they shared so much in common. it would be like calling herself uncool if she agreed, and uncool was not something sunhwa would ever describe herself to be. “but hey, at least you’ve been on dates with an actual person lately. all i’ve been seeing are the same four walls with the same playlist of songs on repeat. the next mission for me is to reintroduce myself back into the real world because that is not it.” she jokes. there isn’t anymore pushing the subject as she is unsure of what to say. instead, she focuses on the her next words. sunhwa giggles at the upcoming response she was about to give. “worst-case scenario is that we piss someone off and all of us end up with a generational curse that requires our great-great-great-grandchildren have to go on a quest to break.” her giggles soon turn into laughter at the thought. it sounded so ridiculous since it would be the plot of a movie for children. once her laughter ceased, she shoots saejin an apologetic smile. “i’ll make sure to come by more often. there’s not much use in locking myself in the practice room for hours on end anymore. sorry i haven’t been around lately.”

he listens to sunhwa speak, his eyebrows rising and falling with her intonation. she has a way of articulating that always has him anticipating the next word. that’s why they get along so well, he assumes. it’s why he’d been so quick to allow her into his life after yohan had introduced them, despite not being much of a people-person. she’s one of the saddest individuals that he knows, but she’s still vibrant to the outsiders looking in ( at least to him ) and he wishes that more people could see her colors. he wishes that the industry itself could see them and stop taking her for granted.

“it’s okay,” he says finally, and that’s all that he says in the moment. it’s all that needs to be said. it’s okay for her to take her time and claim her space; he’ll still be here when she’s ready to come back. she can grieve her losses and admit that she’s having a bad day; he’ll never hold it against her. “there’s no reason to apologize. i haven’t been reaching out as much either, so i shouldn’t complain.” and besides, they’ve finally managed to meet up again, even if it had taken searching the entire premises to find her. rather than mourning the lost days, he’d rather enjoy the present with her, bad mood and all. he’ll try to lift it if he can, and if he can’t, then he’ll bask in the sadness with her, so long as she’ll let him. that’s what friendship is.

“i heard that the slushies they’re selling out of those food carts are really good. please tell me you haven’t tried one yet… or that you still have room for another. what do you say about getting a couple and running back into hiding? we can call it a practice in stealth for when we go on our quest.”

[saejinws]

1. Is there a moment you wanted to quit or thought about giving up?

picking up his first guitar, realizing his hand couldn’t quite stretch the way it needed to if he wanted to play bar chords. the pain of a brass string snapping across his knuckles for the first time (but not the last). struggling to understand complicated formulas and ‘beginner software’, coming up empty-handed when he turned to google. sometimes saejin thinks that music was never really for him.

he holds his hand palm-up and spreads his fingers to look at the callouses that have kept him company throughout his journey. if he were the owner of a more poetic mind, he might be able to draw a parallel between his hands and his career. the idea’s there, but the details are fuzzy.

“all the time. the first occasion that i seriously thought about giving up was when i booked my first real show and only sold twelve tickets. the most recent was when i released ‘yes’ and it snuck under everybody’s radars. but if i were the type to give up without a fight, i wouldn’t have chosen music as a career.”

[saejinws]

hey all! i will be working on tweaking some things around saejin’s blog for the next couple of days, but i’m going to try to get a general open starter posted soon & this is also doubling as a plot call. i know i’ve been hard to reach for a while, but like this if you’re interested in threading with saejin and i will come through this time! (if you want to get one step ahead, please add me on discord (war & wildflowers#1490) LOL i’ll be 100x faster there)

[saejinws]

sunhwaws:

. . .

 instinctively, she wanted to downplay her own feelings, but there was no point in attempting to lie to saejin. gave the reason for why she was so dejected anyway. “honestly, it feels like mockery to be on a stage as a backup dancer. i’ll be fine, just needed a moment to mope around about it. we can talk more about it later.” in the back of her mind, she knows she shouldn’t be complaining. at least wishbone seemingly had plans to use her in the near future because it could be worse. “but enough about me, what’s this about seeing a girl? especially one that’s into magic? does this mean i have to come barging into your studio more often?” sunhwa lightly elbows saejin. “but if you think casting a hex on a witch would work, i’ll definitely have to bring you and this mystery girl along. we should also bring yohan just for the hell of it.”

a festival line-up chock full of new acts while a former idol is reduced to a back-up dancer. saejin easily understands how such a situation could inspire desolation in sunhwa, but he decides not to ruminate on it -- if she wants to move on for now, then there’s no point in prying. they’re close enough that he trusts she’ll come to him in time if it’s something that she needs to get off her chest. to keep the mood light, he focuses on the brighter parts of what she’d said, though his warm smile is enough to know that he hasn’t ignored any of it. “i’m glad to see you, too,” he agrees, late but still genuine. “there are so many people that i’ve never met here. thought i’d have to weed through every single person before i could find you or yohan... honestly, i might’ve. but i stayed focused because i knew i had to find you after those performances -- even as a backup dancer, you were all i could focus on, you know. you were really cool.”

he laughs as soon as he feels her elbow in spite of himself, eyebrows raising in playful thrill. for a second, he considers being vague in order to make his love life sound more exciting than it is, but there’s no point in exaggerating to her. he knows she’d catch on immediately. “we’ve only been on two dates so far and i’m not so sure that we’ll go on any more. she’s cool, but the kind of cool that’s way, way, way out of my league and i think that she knows it, too. we could end up being good friends, though.” ah, the reliable ‘good friends’ shtick. used countless times, and never meant. there’s a reason he keeps his circle small, but it’s still fun to imagine. “if your luck doesn’t change soon, then we have to at least try the hex thing, and of course we’d bring yohan -- that's a given. but quest or no quest and relationship or no relationship, you should still come by more often. you’re always welcome.”

[saejinws]

pks0311 are you enjoying ‘yes’? i think i’ll try something new next time...

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[saejinws]

wsyohan:

. . .

yohan sighs, fingers rubbing at his jaw, “it’s okay, though,” really, “i don’t know what i was expecting.” he’s always given too much and received too little, yet where he should be angry, yohan keeps his lips pursed and moves the fuck on. how can you be disappointed from someone you don’t know?

“besides, we haven’t spoken in almost a year.” 10-months now? 11? he wasn’t counting. “i guess we weren’t about to start now.”

saejin wishes that he were better at this. that he could find the right words to say and that they would come easy, that he could dig up some long-lost solution to the things that hurt yohan the most. but at the end of the day, he’s still just saejin. there isn’t much that he can do aside from keep yohan company, is there? like all unfortunate realities, it’s just something that he has to accept.

“almost a year,” he repeats, hushed and forced out in a breath of air. he hates it. hates that for more than a decade, he’s been seeking out disappointment in the creases of yohan’s face and then pulling every card from his sleeves to try and make it disappear, all the while silently wishing that he would stop waiting around. more than that, he hates that he’s ever had to wait around to begin with.

“it isn’t okay.” how could it be? it isn’t fair that he’s spent this much time waiting on someone he may very well never cross paths with again, some deadbeat motherfucker (only in saejin’s head, because he has some limits when speaking aloud) stuck in another timezone — or is it another world? he isn’t an angry person. he never has been, but almost all of the quiet rage that he holds is secondhand and displayed in quick bursts, like the abrupt stab of a metal chopstick into a piece of pork belly or his white-knuckled hold on a cold glass. right now, it’s in his expression, all sharp angles and deep fissures.

he sighs, unsure of what he’s trying to do. does he want yohan to be as angry as he is? not really.

the silent bubble he sits in as he finally swallows a couple spoon-fulls of rice is more typical of him, anyway. taciturnity is a familiar place that he doesn’t mind drifting in, but right now, he can’t get comfortable. it isn’t long before he’s speaking again.

“it took you a while to answer my texts. i don’t usually mind, but obviously you aren’t busy or you wouldn’t be here. is it really okay? are you really okay?”

[saejinws]

sunhwaws:

. . .

tired. she was just tired of everything, but mostly tired of giving her everything into something that seems to give her nothing in return. “know what, i’m going to pack up all of my stuff and find whatever deity put a hex on me and the reason why. i’ve been nothing but good to everyone around me.” she finally opened her eyes to notice the presence of another, and embarrassment immediately took over. sunhwa immediately stood up and turned to face the other. “oh… when did you get here? i didn’t notice you arriving.” she let out a nervous chuckle as she scratched the back of her head. it wasn’t often she spoke to herself but when she did, she always made sure that she was alone. well, most of the time she made sure she was alone. “can you pretend you didn’t hear about me going on a literal witch hunt? it’ll help salvage whatever is left of my pride right now.”

if saejin were asked what his biggest desire in life is, his answer would be fast and direct: to see my loved ones happy. and while it applies to everybody in his life, what he really means is that he wants to see yohan and sunhwa happy -- they deserve it more than anybody he knows. so it’s only natural that in his slow approach ( initially intended to give a teasing fright ), what he overheard caused his mischievous smirk to melt into a frown. a couple seconds of silence spent immersed in his thoughts bridged the distance between them, and by the time she noticed his lingering presence, he managed to bring his smile back. “only a couple seconds. long enough to be intrigued, though,” he admitted, slipping his hands into the pockets of his swim shorts as he took a few casual steps closer. while it did sadden him that sunhwa was evidently feeling so jaded, he figured that pity wasn’t the right approach. it hardly ever was.

“you know, i could forget about the whole witch hunt ordeal, but i’d rather join you. i’ve been seeing a girl who’s into that stuff. magic, i mean. maybe we can even recruit her help? track down your mortal enemy with magic, or retaliate with another hex?” of course, it was true ( or she was at least really into crystals ), but the whimsical undertone and hushed delivery might’ve made it sound otherwise -- he couldn’t be sure. “but before we get into all that... did something happen? why are you feeling so bad, sunhwa?” he asked. afterwards, he allowed his expression to relax into something more natural. something that showed the concern that he felt. "only if you want to talk about it, of course."

[saejinws]

wsheejin:

. . . 

she perked up, a surprised smile on her face, and she pointed at him. “hey! you’re paksae, right? you did late night movie? that was my favorite song this winter! and your performance of cassette was really, really good.” heejin paused, her manners returning to her, and she dropped her hand again. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to jab my finger like that. but i’m kang heejin, ladybug’s esther. it’s nice to meet you.”

with heejin, it seemed like pleasant surprises came every other sentence: first was the passing of his offer, then it was the moment of recognition.

even though saejin wasn’t completely content with where he lay within the industry, he knew that he couldn’t truly complain that much. obviously he wasn’t a nobody or he wouldn’t have ended up the lineup for stars of summer -- pity only extends so far, and he didn’t have enough industry connections to sweet-talk his way into a spot on the setlist. but it was still unexpected that kang heejin of all people knew who he was, if the blank stare he gave her while he processed her words wasn’t proof enough.

“oh. yeah, that’s me,” he confirmed, speaking slower than usual, as if he was questioning the validity of his statement as he spoke it. he didn’t have much time to trip over self-doubt, though, because he was shortly hit with the third pleasant surprise: she liked late night movie, a song that saejin had spent many late nights ( ironically enough ) wondering why the streams were so low. 

“i’m happy to hear that you enjoyed late night movie. i really hoped that it would be the kind of song to keep people company during the cold season, if you get what i mean -- but it didn’t hit like i thought it would.” he shrugged and strengthened his smile to keep his disappointment at bay. it seemed counter-productive to continue putting himself down inside his own head when a senior idol was complimenting his work in real-time. “you did really well, too. i know that ladybug has been on a hiatus, but it seemed like you guys never stepped away from the stage at all. i liked your cover of fancy.”

a beat passed and he filled the silence with a quiet laugh, still stunned at the odds. “anyway, it’s nice to meet you too. my name’s park saejin.”

[saejinws]

15

are there any artists you would like to cover/collaborate with in the future?

“not particularly. covering artists is alright, but it isn’t something i sit and think about well in advance -- if it happens at all, it’ll be because i’m in a good mood and there’s a song that i’m really enjoying at the time.”

collaborating, however, is something that he thinks about often. mostly with artists that he knows and admires instead of people he’s never met, though: his social battery only lasts so long, and he’d prefer to send a few quick texts to friends instead of e-mails to people he’s never met. it seems easy enough ( “you’re free, i’m free... want to come by my studio?” ), but he still hasn’t reached a level of popularity that he’s happy with and he still feels like his music is lacking. it’s scary asking anyone to collab when his self-doubt suggests that they would only say yes because they would feel obligated to.

“as for collaborations... i think i prefer to work alone, but if i were to collab with somebody, i’d like for it to be yohan, harin, kiha, chorong, or... sunhwa? i like all of them a lot, and they’re really talented -- some in ways that i don’t think they’ve fully gotten to show yet. i think we could make something great together.”

[saejinws]

Are there any regrets you have about the path you’re on?

"plenty.” even to the point that sometimes saejin wishes he had never pursued music at all. but this is too pessimistic of a thought to share -- a speckle of grey among all the vibrant colors that paint his personality. it doesn’t blend well with the image that he wants, so he keeps it to himself.

“i’m confident in my abilities as a musician, but i’m confident to the point that i didn’t take school seriously. as soon as i decided that i was going to sing for a living, i let my grades slip. i regret that the most.” it doesn’t matter much now, he figures. radio show hosts are more interested in who he wrote ‘cassette’ about than what his exam scores were, but sometimes college crosses his mind and he knows he won’t get into a good school with a 2.3 gpa. ( more of a self-pity point than anything else: if he truly wanted to go to college, he would have went straight after high school ).

“i regret not spending more time with my family when i first signed to wishbone. sure, i was busy, but not any busier than i was before. to be honest, i still don’t see them much. but i think that will change soon.”

[saejinws]

wsheejin:

“well that certainly woke me up,” she said, pushing her hair back with one hand. “i do hope that was an accident, friend.”

her smile was amused, if edging a bit on irritation, but she kept the rest of her expression lighthearted. it would take more than that to truly upset her, even if she had to spend her evening buying a new phone.

of course the girl that saejin had just sent plunging into the pool was an idol. not just any idol, either -- a member of ladybug. of course it couldn’t have been an intern or a stylist, someone without the means to sue him if they really wanted to. of course she had to have been holding her phone.

not for the first time during this trip, he found himself wishing that he was back in the dim comfort of his studio. alas, he couldn’t bend reality at his will, so he gathered his thoughts and offered her a smile that he could only hope was disarming. “what if it wasn’t?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as soon as the question was posed. maybe it wasn’t the best approach, but she might have a sense of humor. she seemed like she did, anyway, calling him “friend” and joking ( she was joking, right? ) about the water acting as a wake-up call.

he weighed his options silently: he could huff out a series of quick apologies and then haul ass to get out of this situation before she got a chance to ask for financial compensation, or...

he stepped closer to the pool and then, before he had much time to re-think his actions, he had lowered his body and rearranged his limbs so that he was sitting much as she had been before he came stumbling into her back. he slouched his posture to be closer to her eye-level and raised one hand to shield his face from the harsh sunrays, still smiling. fake it until you make it, right?

“i have my phone in my pocket. you want to throw it into the pool to make it even? i’ve been looking for an excuse to get a new one, but i couldn’t justify spending any more money.”

[saejinws]

How does your family feel about your career?

“i imagine that they’re more supportive than most families would be.”

whatever that means. he doesn’t have enough industry friends to know what the threshold is in which support turns from normal to above average, and he has a feeling that yohan’s situation is far from enough to form a basis for everybody. but he’s gotten this far only because of his parents and his sister pushing him forward through every rocky patch, even when they were criticizing him in the same beat. if it weren’t for them, chances are that he would’ve given up a long time ago. ( probably after the first time that he performed to a crowd of no more than seven people. everybody can stand to be humbled, but that had felt more like cruelty. )

“my dad wishes i would’ve gone to college. my sister thinks my music is a ‘pathetic cry for attention’. my mom just wants me to be happy. but all three of them still show up to my shows, so i think i can consider myself lucky.”

[saejinws]

pks0311 can you keep a secret?

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[saejinws]

march 14, 2am :: @wsyohan

saejin wonders if yohan’s waiting game has finally ended.

he remembers being fourteen and spending his energy on coming up with ‘explanations’ (also known as: excuses) for a man whom he had never met. he’d easily said things like ‘he’ll come around’ and ‘it’s late there, isn’t it? i’m sure he’s just sleeping’ despite how empty those phrases had begun to sound. in reality, he’d known then—and he still knows now—that every word he had spoken was a waste of breath. differing timezones can only excuse deadbeat behavior for so long, after all. back then, secondhand irritation for his friend’s circumstances had pushed saejin to talk shit, but his desire to assuage yohan’s sadness had always been stronger. 

if they were still teenagers, maybe he would offer another far-fetched piece of reassurance or fall back on his second favorite tactic: pretending that he couldn’t pick apart the subtleties of yohan’s expressions, usually after yet another failed phone call. keeping a persistent smile and so much generosity with his time (not that he’d ever had much else to focus on), handing out invitations to hang out in places that could hopefully provide distractions or following him along to his part-time job so that he wouldn’t ruminate during periods with no customers. always joking, as if nothing was wrong. not noticing had been easy. but with the passing of time, he acknowledges that perhaps his methods need to change.

(besides, some things are simply too heavy to be laughed away.)

he spends the better part of five minutes idly stirring the bowl of galbitang on the table in front of him until there’s no steam left rising into the air and he’s certain that the employee who had served them is far away from their bubble of privacy. all at once, the urge to talk shit resurfaces, but he pushes it to the backburner for now. the situation affects yohan, not him, so it really isn’t his play to be as angry and irritated as he is, anyway.

“why was he even in korea? do you know?” he asks, choosing to chip away at the surface level so that yohan could dive into the gritter bits on his own accord when he wanted to. if he wanted to.

“seems kind of fucked up to just come and go as if he doesn’t have a son who’s been trying to reconnect with him for years, no?”

(so much for keeping his opinions to himself.)

[saejinws]

Is there any advice you would give to someone who would want to be in your position?

“if you want it, show it. you have to keep your passion at 100 or the opportunities that you have will slip between your fingers.”

the advice comes easy because it’s what he needs to hear. something he innately knows but still forgets every couple of weeks, when he inevitably starts to wonder if any of this is even worth the uncertainty that comes with it. do the idols have it harder than he does? sometimes he thinks that they do. other times he isn’t so sure. there’s a gap between performing songs written by professionals that are almost guaranteed for success and performing songs that you write yourself, analyzing every detail until a folder of maybe’s turns into a pile of hot trash. succeeding alone feels daunting, sometimes bordering impossible for someone like him who shies away from attention.

he doesn’t figure that the question was intended to send him spiraling into a pit of self-doubt, so he cuts himself off with a slow sigh and a shrug.

“a lot of people want to be musicians, so you need to always remember why you want to make music and you have to hold on to whatever it is that makes you special, too. otherwise you’re just another person trying to sing.”

[saejinws]

hello! i’m sorry for being mia, but i’m finally both well-rested and done with finals, so i’ll be getting back into things. i do need to kick up activity, so if you’re interested in a thread, please like this post and i’ll come to you! i know i owe a lot of ims at the moment (so so sorry), but i’ll be prioritizing the ims with those who interact with this.

[saejinws]

3. if you were able to switch places into another group, which would it be? why?

everything about saejin’s musical career looks different from that of an idol. it’s built on independence and drive rather than instruction and performance; he’s worked hard, but in different ways than trainees have. while the climb to fame has been slower, he has more creative and personal freedom than any of his idol friends do. he thinks that he’s lucky with what he has and that’s enough of a reason to choose to stay the same. but if he has to have another reason to fall back on, he’ll attribute it to his lack of idol skills — if he even tried to perform something like the eye or my pace, he’d be laughed off the stage. “i’ve never wanted to be in a group,” he admits, frowning while he considers the question further. he doesn’t want to give a boring answer, but he also doesn’t want to say something that he doesn’t mean. “i like groups. i think that they’re all really talented in ways that most people don’t comprehend at first. but i wouldn’t be a good fit for one. besides, i’m actually kind of greedy. i prefer to be the only person on stage.”