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saezurumurmurs · 17 days

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Wow… excellent breakdown!

Doumeki's name

I came across this post from @whosafishy talking about D's name and it reminded me that I had some ideas about D's name stuffed away in drafts in a forsaken long format meta about the thematic importance of eyes in Saezuru. That meta will likely never see the light of day, but I thought these ramblings about D's name were kind of interesting so here they are.

Doumeki's last name is written as 百目鬼 in kanji. This surname is very rare in Japan, which even an English-reading audience can surmise based on Yashiro's reaction to it in ch 1 (below):

Y: What's you're name? D: Chikara Doumeki Y: Is that a stage name? (holding back laughter)

But why did Yashiro think D's name was so ridiculous? Doumeki's first name, 力 "Chikara", is the character for "strength" in Japanese. One important side note about Japanese in general is that kanji characters almost always have multiple pronunciations (readings). In normal Japanese speech, this character shares the same reading as Doumeki's name- "chikara", but when choosing kanji for names, there are often different readings to choose from, specific to names only (these are called nanori if anyone is interested).

This kanji character is actually not too uncommon in male first names in combination with other kanji, but seeing this kanji alone and with this reading isn't very common. In my experience, when this character alone is a person's first name the reading is usually "Riki" *, or sometimes "Isao", but in Doumeki's case it's just the same reading as the normal conversational word for "strength" so it literally sounds like his first name is just straight-up Strength (lol).

* (By the way, in case folks don't remember or didn't know, this is why Niki immediately connects Doumeki to her old dog, named Riki - it's because the character for D's name can be read as "Riki")

Okay, so Doumeki has a weird first name, but his last name is even weirder. The kanji 百目鬼 ("Doumeki") is very close to the word 百々目鬼 ("doudoumeki" or "dodomeki"). "Dodomeki" is the name of an ancient yokai (spirit or apparition). The direct translation of 百々目鬼 is "many hundred eyed ogre/demon". So, if we tried to directly translate Doumeki's name into English it sounds like "Strength Hundred Eyed Demon". 😂 I can definitely see why Yashiro asked if it was a stage name.

My interest in Doumeki's name and how it might relate symbolically to the story in Saezuru lies in the legend of the "dodomeki". I'll briefly outline it but if you're interested in reading about it for yourself you can check out an English telling of a version of the legend here. If you'd like to see a Japanese source for the information I'm sharing you can check that out here (everything is in Japanese though, so you have been warned lol).

Anyway, the legend of the "dodomeki" is at least 400 years old and has been told in many parts of Japan. Each region has a bit of variation, but the general gist is that there exists a yokai in the form of a woman with long arms that are covered in 鳥目 "choumoku". The term "choumoku" is an archaic word for money, particularly the type of Japanese coins that have a hole in the middle. This kanji can also be read to mean "bird eyes" (鳥 = bird, 目 = eye) so usually the things on the arms of this woman are depicted as bird's eyes.

The "dodomeki" wanders the city in search of those who have stolen money (鳥目) and reclaims the ill-gotten money as her own, in some legends the money embeds in her skin to become more "bird eyes". In many tellings the yokai is born from a woman who herself had been a sneaky pickpocket in life and because of her evil ways had been cursed to suffer as a demonic spirit. It's said that she was taught the error of her ways and now takes money only from those who stole it, so in a way she's kind of a "good" evil spirit.

So what does this legend have to do with Doumeki and how his story is unfolding? Well, I think it's safe to call Doumeki a thief at this point. He of course stole the contact lens case (another reference to the double meaning of 鳥目 as "eyes") from Yashiro's apartment, but more relevantly, he stole a fuck ton of money.

We know that Doumeki (probably) gave Misumi two hundred million yen (roughly 1.3 million USD by today's exchange rate, if anyone was wondering). Half of that money is heavily implied to be stolen from Kouseikai (not to be confused with Kyouseikai - the group responsible for kidnapping Niki; the remnants of which now form Ryuuzu) , as shown by Amou overhearing the Sudougumi guys talking about it in ch 43, but the other half is still a mystery.

Misumi asks where Doumeki got the money, as there's no way he could have earned it doing typical low level crimes. Doumeki refuses to answer. It's clear that D doesn't want Misumi to know that he stole from Kouseikai, but I also think he must be hiding where he got the other half. Misumi then asks why D wants to join Doushinkai to which D clumsily replies "Because I don't know any other yakuza". Misumi is not amused and proceeds to have his men beat the shit out of D. The money then presumably falls into Misumi's hands.

I think if we use the legend of the "dodomeki" as a clue, it's clear that D is due for some comeuppance for stealing the money. Just as the "dodomeki" is taught a divine lesson, I think D will definitely suffer some retribution for taking the money from Kouseikai. He's also got the contact lens case to answer for. It seems certain that as soon as Yashiro realizes that Doumeki took it, he's bound to react some way and if this legend is really giving us a hint it's probably (maybe?) not going to be positive (at least initially. Probably.).

Aside from giving us a clue about the plot, I also see some connection between the legend of the "dodomeki" and D's personality. The legend says the yokai was created from a woman who couldn't stop stealing - a person who wanted to possess things that didn't belong to her. I think Doumeki, for all his gentleness and genuine intentions, also has a troubling possessive streak.

Aside from the overtly possessive thoughts D has pre time skip (which I'll talk about in a bit), I've always thought the quote below from ch 17 shows this really well. Yashiro has had his first encounter with Inami, followed by the first blow job (to completion) by Doumeki. While in the car afterward, Yashiro is remembering Doumeki buttoning up Y's new white shirt in the hotel room:

D: As much as possible, don't do it by yourself. Even washing yourself D: Everything you need, I'll take care of it.

Just before this, Yashiro confesses to masturbating after Doumeki left to buy Y a new white shirt (half confesses, really because he lies about the number of times lol) and this leads to Doumeki saying he wants Y to satisfy all his sexual desires with D alone. Not only that, D wants to do everything for him, even bathe him. The absolute look of perplexity and bewilderment on Yashiro's face - it's got to be one of my favorite expressions in the manga.

(look at him, he's like wtf?)

I would argue this drive to take care of Yashiro and be everything for him may have an altruistic origin, but ultimately this kind of desire is destructive. Doumeki himself recognizes this quality and yet can't seem to stop his own urges. These lines are the overtly possessive thoughts I mentioned above from Ch 22:

D's thoughts: I want to make him mine Cont'd: Will there ever be a time in the future when I feel such desire for someone? Cont'd: I only exist to serve as his arms and legs - he wants nothing from me Cont'd: Even though this is the only path that allows me to stay by his side...

D goes on to say "Why can't I restrain myself?" on the next page, bringing his hand to his face in frustration.

Doumeki wants to stay by Yashiro's side, but the means by which he thinks he can achieve this (pre time skip anyway, we don't know much about what D is thinking post time skip) will just restrict Y's freedom in the end. These restrictions on Yashiro are, in a way, Doumeki's attempt to own him - to wrest Yashiro away from the dark world that originally "stole" him first, just as the "dodomeki" steals ill-gotten money from those who stole it in the first place.

(Just as a last little tangential side note: There are other famous characters who share Doumeki's sir name. The two that come to mind are Shizuka Doumeki from xxxHolic - a character who's right eye is stolen at one point by a spider demon - and Hanako Doumeki from a recent TV drama called Zeichou - Haraenai niwa Wake ga aru - - a character who aids in tax collection. So in both cases the characters stories are at least loosely related to eyes, stealing, or money.)

#saezuru #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #doumeki #doumeki x yashiro #saezuru analysis

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saezurumurmurs · 20 days

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A BL Platform For Everyone

NB: Please reblog this for visibility!

A little over two years ago, me and my BL crew were in our little chat sharing recommendations.

Cat had an impressive spread sheet, Marcie and I had iCloud Notes, and it was pretty much chaos.

I looked at it and said out loud, "There has to be a better way for us to keep track of our reads and share recommendations. There has to be right?"

Cat said she wished someone would build a BL app with everything already there. Me, a developer of almost thirty years, paused while a floodlight (not a light bulb) went off in my head.

“Well I could maybe build one… cause like, I build stuff. How would that be?”

By the end of the conversation Cat had invited me to build an app for BL.

Four weeks later, in late February of 2022, digitaljuicy.com was online.

In the last couple of years, I’ve been listening to the fandom, paying attention to feedback, poured over analytics, read your responses to the Reader’s Survey and continued to craft a platform with all this in mind.

What I have been building is 100% for us... there is nothing but BL and it is an attempt to encompass ALL of BL. Not just the bits and pieces.

But for two years I've been struggling. Struggling in many ways, but specifically to get what I wanted out of the platform. I tried and failed so many times.

In September of 2022 I tried to raise venture capital to build the platform I wanted for us. I pitched it to accelerators and true blue venture capital.

Juicy is what is called 'pre-seed'. Which means were still so new and evolving, under-resourced and while there was interest, there was no joy. No funding was raised.

In December 2023, I realised it was time to rethink Juicy. i have been on the deepest dive for months rebuilding Juicy from the ground up and preparing the framework for the mobile app.

I’ve built something I want to use… and wild, I’m building it and using it as a fan at the same time. I'm at the point where it's impossible not to want to share.

And what kind of platform do I mean? At its most basic level:

You can track your reads, watches and plays

You can review and recommend the titles to the community, your friends, strangers on Twitter, your friend you're trying to corrupt outside the fandom. Your poison.

Timelines for you, for titles, for episodes, chapters… just about everything. I mean everything: The creators, the publishers, the studios, the actors... you can leave reviews and status posts on EVERYTHING. No algorithms, no force feeding... just discovery, recommendations and honest reviews by this community about our community and the industry we feed.

Collections! Lists of stuff you're reading, dropped, want to read, want to buy, love or hate, all pretty and organised and shareable..

A growing database resource of titles, tagged up to its eyeballs with a minutiae of data.. with reading an streaming links and anything else we find that we think is relevant.

But it is also a lot more than this.

I wanted it to be more than what it was. I want to turn Juicy into a mobile app, add some more functionality and more specifically, platform all of BL for its non-Asian fandom.

We get left out of so much, I feel like we need our own thing.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but I was tired of being banned on social media for sharing content. How you gonna ban me for saying a 2D fictional character needs to be shot with shite and strung with cobweb? But they did… and I know it’s not just me.

What about the creators? How do they interface with the non-Japanese or non-Korean fandoms? On which misogynistic hell site?

What about the publishers and merchandisers? What about the little Etsy sellers? Why does BL have to hidden away in the databases of mangaupdates, anisearch and anilist? Why does every single manga tracker out there seem to have pitiful listings for BL?

Is it because we’re a female or queer audience?

Look at this lil video I made:

youtube

Either way, I’ve long felt it’s time for us to do our own thing. So I’ve been building it. Pixel by pixel. Feature by feature on my own.

Juicy has been a small chat group, but I’m the only developer. We’ve always been clear about what we wanted to build: A platform for the fandom, the creators, the publishers, the merchandisers… my goal is a one-stop platform for BL and I am damn close to presenting this new iteration.

This was and remains the core of what I’m building: The largest English platform for BL on the planet. The functionality is one thing, but building a database like that is not a one-person job.

So now I need your help.

First to keep the servers online, so I can continue to build and develop and finally, finally release the mobile app. I can't tell you how much I want that.

I’m close to pushing the new Juicy 3.0 out, and I’m very in love with the work I’ve done since December. It’s a new look, and it works 1000 times better than the previous iterations of Juicy.

I just have hit a wall financially, and need your help and support to get it over the line.

Juicy's ass is fat and I been carrying her mostly alone for two solid years.

I’m going to launch a Kickstarter for this project in a bit so I can hire another developer to help with the trickier bits and fine tune the mobile app, but for now, I felt a Patreon would at least help us keep the servers up and maybe, just maybe allow us to afford a few crucial bits that will elevate your experience as a user.

And because I’m a developer, and I can do some pretty kinky shit with APIs and such, if you support this Patreon campaign, you will get some nice feature perks on the platform automagically. You won’t have to pay again to access these perks in-app later.

As many perks as I can cook up anyway, not the least of which will be access to some of the nicer functions and features I’ve already built into the platform.

When the mobile app launches, you will get it first and for free! Plus we’ve been talking about a lot of other ways we can make the platform fun beyond what I've done already.

I plan to monetise the platform in various ways, but in a profit sharing model. You contribute to the database, you contribute content, you get a share of whatever the platform makes. This is already built into the system. This will be open to anyone willing, but to Patrons first.

Finally, I'm limiting the number of people who can subscribe via Patreon to 1000 people. Once we hit that number, the rolls will be closed to new membership, and everyone directed to the platform to pay for any services or merchandise.

My goal for this group of Patrons is that you become an exclusive and tightly knit inner circle.

My hope is that you will help me actively shape what Juicy will become. Your votes and say will carry weight. Your feature requests considered and if possible implemented first.

You will get access to exclusive merchandise, exclusive giveaways and promos (like free stuff), and exclusive programming from the team.

With your help we will produce an exclusive podcast for Patrons only discussing all things BL and Juicy (honestly our conversations are generally wild and hilarious... it will be a rollick for sure), along with other content for Patrons only. We've even planned watch parties and other fun shit... I swear, we want you all to be our greatest ambassadors so we are planning as many treats as we can.

Your access on the platform will be specific to your Patreon subscription and your treatment will be VIP for the life of your subscription.

Finally, the way my auADHD are set up, I have no interest in the dramas of the BL fandom, so this is never going to be about gatekeeping access to anything. It’s about making more access possible. You can help bring us all together and make us stronger as a group.

So do you think Digital Juicy sounds like something you’d like in on?

Okute Sea

Saezuru Murmurs

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saezurumurmurs · 20 days

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Excellent work!

Walk through Ch 56 & Ch 57 with me

Hi y'all. It's been a really long time since I did a long ass post like this so I decided to shirk my other responsibilities for today and write one (lol).

Let's go through chapters 56 and 57 together because while a whole two months passed for us, literally no time elapsed between chapters for our boys so I think looking at them together helps us understand.

I'll be using the pages from the scanlations I made as well as the scans available on MangaDex. I'll talk about the nuance of the Japanese that I couldn't fit into the English translation. I'll also give some personal opinions, so take what I say in that vein with a grain of salt.

Here we go ⇩

Ch 56 opens with the title page. Front and center is Yashiro, back facing the reader, and presumably back facing Doumeki, looking away off the page, with the words そばにいるための理由が欲しい "I want a reason to be by your side". Whose thoughts these are is left vague - Are they Doumeki's? Are they Yashiro's? They appear to be Doumeki's in my opinion since the next pages continue with D's thoughts, but I can see arguments for both being true. There are no pronouns in the Japanese so it's hard to tell who exactly these thoughts belong to. Maybe it's both D and Y?

The chapter continues - Doumeki is standing in Y's apartment having just returned immediately after leaving once and yoinking Y's cigarette from his mouth.

We see D's thoughts in black pillars across the first two pages - "I've been concealing my emotions so this person won't run away." Darkmeki is really Darkmeki, right down to his thought boxes! The word he uses for "conceal" is 押し殺す (oshikorosu) which also has the connotation to "cover up". The word is a compound word combining 押す (to push) and 殺す (to kill). So D is not just hiding his emotions, he's been burying them, squashing them, smothering them.

D lights Y's cigarette. I feel like this action is a sign of D's willingness to play by Y's terms in a way, to join Y in his world. Cigarettes are representative of Yashiro's addiction of sorts to being fucked roughly by men, they're representative of this self destructive behavior that he can't quit (I'm thinking of what Nana says to D at the end of Volume 6 - the extra on the rooftop of the hospital - "For him, fucking guys is like smoking cigarettes, he can't quit, even if he wanted to").

Y asks D snarkily if it's good. D responds that he's not sure, it's sweet and a little bitter. This is a call back to Volume 2 Ch 7 when Y buys D a lemon squash at the pink movie theater. D says the cigarette tastes like Y.

Y, of course, doesn't get the reference and pokes fun of D for saying something so cheesy.

D puts out the cigarette and pulls out the memory card he received from Inami in Ch 55. He politely and coldly asks Y if he knows what's on the card. We see a flash of realization and what looks like panic in Y's eye (his good eye, by the way). Y brushes it off by saying about Inami: あいついい趣味してんなホント "That guy's really got some interesting (good) hobbies".

During this exchange we see D standing above Y. Yoneda-Sensei intentionally draws D looking down on Y, driving home the point that D has Y cornered - D has the upper hand.

Y goes on to ask D if he's watched what's on the card. D denies watching it to which Y jokingly suggests watching it together. D asks if it's really okay with Y to watch it. Y again turns up the snark and insists that if D wants to watch it then he should - why would Y be embarrassed?

D then starts to get to the point and says this "It seems that it's quite different when it's with me":

I absolutely love these two panels. D is still looking down at Y, still the one holding the power (let's be honest, D is basically always drawn in a way that suggests he has the power in the situation when it comes to the two of them, especially after the time skip). Then we see the panel below of Y which is on the same side as D. This is such a weird (and by weird I mean good) choice for an artist to make in the case of two people who are having a conversation face to face. It creates the feeling that they aren't on the same page, like they're talking past each other. D appears to be looking directly at Y but Y seems to be on another planet.

Then we get the next panel:

Again, really making a point to show this dynamic difference in their positions while D demands to know what it means that Y is so different with him than with Inami.

Y brushes off the question and says, "It's just that kind of play", pretending not to understand that D is referring to Y's impotence. D responds by saying very bluntly that Y can't seem to get it up with anyone other than D. D and Y's speech bubbles are overlapping a little, giving the impression that D responded very quickly to Y, letting him finish his sentence, but almost interrupting him.

Y averts his eyes and says, "So? I'm not the one who needs to get it up, so it's fine." D swiftly replies, again with speech bubbles overlapping, "When you do it with me, why are you so satisfied?"

We see D looking down at Y again at a high angle with what comes across as a condescending stare. Y is truly cornered. The next panel of Y's face shows his reaction to this question, showing only half of his face (the side with the good eye again - the man is finally beginning to see!). He looks surprised, like maybe he himself had never actually considered that question.

D continues to ask, 自分が何度イったか覚えてますか？ "Do you (yourself) remember how many times you came?" Y responds that he doesn't remember, as if anyone would, and D says he doesn't remember either. We can't see D's face at this point but I think his frustration is starting to grow.

Y is hurt by D's comment and looks away with a complicated expression, his eyes seem pained while his mouth gives a slight sarcastic smile.

Y thinks this comment is a kind of jab at his lewdness, his body that can't help but be turned on by D, but really D is trying to get Y to find the answer to his previous question - when you do it with me, why are you so satisfied? Y tries to brush off the comment by making the excuse that their bodies just have chemistry / are compatible (単に体の相性がいいってだけだろ).

D clenches his fist, starting to really lose his patience with Y's insistence on dancing around the subject. D asks when things got to be this way with Y. Y goads D on flippantly by asking what D will do if he hears the answer.

Y then says that D seems to have done well for himself, bringing up Izumi-San and what a satisfying/normal life D has now: お前こそどうだったんだよこの四年。女もできて随分リア充してるみたいだな. The word Y uses to mean "satisfying life" (リア充) is a slang term that's also used to mean something like "satisfying real, normal life". It's a little difficult to describe, but this expression is especially used regarding hetero couples and dating. For example, if you're a straight man and go out on a date with your girlfriend on Valentine's Day then that's リア充 (riajyuu) because on Valentine's Day that's what couples do - they go out on dates. You're satisfying the requirements of being a normal couple on a day for normal couples.

It's only implied, but I think Y is making an allusion to how D seemed to enjoy his little "gay tryst" with Y 4 years ago but he's back to his real life as a straight man now. This reminded me of what he said to Kamiya in ch 44 in the bathroom - that some men have sex with other men as a one time thing in special circumstances. Y still doesn't think the feelings that D had for him 4 years ago were real and he's hurt by how D has seemingly been able to move on. I don't know how Y expected D to react to this comment, but when D says, "It's so unexpected of you to take an interest in me" Y is clearly shocked. (Oh shit, boy, you just let your inner thoughts out a tiny bit and D definitely noticed.)

Y starts to stand up to run away (where are you going to go, you're in your own house, silly) and D attempts to grab him, saying the conversation isn't over yet. The framing of these panels is so wonderfully in sync with the chaos Y is feeling - the angles are all wonky and Y's position in each panel keeps alternating from right to left, making is seem like he's darting away. Finally Y says that D doesn't have to fuck him, a man, any more and should just go find his woman and do it with her. Again we see the jealousy that Y feels about the perceived relationship between D and Izumi.

D gets Y up against the wall (kabe-don!) and says in response, "Like with you and Inami, who I want to have sex with and who I have sex with, has nothing to do with you, right?" Y cautiously agrees. I think D is trying again to get Y to see and explain his own actions - why should Y care who D sleeps with, man or woman, if Y doesn't care deeply about D? D is trying to get Y to say out loud that he has feelings for D and that's why Y cares.

Y doesn't say that though, instead he tries a last ditch effort to avert the conversation away from his own feelings and asks if D intends to confirm that Y can only get it up with him and then take pity, giving another sarcastic, pained smile.

On this page, every frame of Y has D in it. D is standing close to Y so it's obvious that some of him should be visible in Y's panels, but Yoneda-Sensei could have easily used a more cropped, close up of Y for some of these panels, but instead she deliberately drew D's hand near Y's face, for example. This helps create this feeling that Y's really surrounded by D. D is encroaching into Y's mind and his physical space.

"You want to do it with me, don't you?" D says, as he moves a bit closer to Y (I'm so sorry, but this line for some reason makes me think of that Spongebob meme "You like Krabby Patties, don't you Squidward?" and now you have to think about it, too, lol). Y denies this, dropping his snarky smile. D pulls Y's hips closer and Y starts to panic - we see a close up of his (good) eye as he starts dropping his sarcastic mask. D goes on to say that if it isn't D, it doesn't feel good for Y.

"So what if that's true!? You were only doing this to satisfy my sexual urges. What benefit is there to you?" Y appears to be truly panicked, avoiding eye contact with D who's face is so close to his.

D looks shocked at Y's words, like, "How can he think this is true?" followed by a face that to me says, "Ah, he thinks it's true because I made him think it's true." I think in this moment D realizes that he's made a terrible mistake in his efforts to avoid driving Y away. In his dedication to crushing his own feelings for Y he neglected to consider that Y might have actually changed in these 4 years, despite putting on a show that he hadn't.

D realizes that he needs to say something to let Y know that D's choosing of his own volition to be with Y. D can't say everything about his efforts to stay near Y for various reasons, including the fact that D still thinks Y will really reject him if D says how he truly feels (I think so too) so D says the simplest thing in the most Y-language way he can think of and that's that "the body chemistry is mutual" (相性がいいのはお互い様です).

(Slight tangent: Some speculate that D isn't just saying that he also has chemistry with Y physically, but that D is literally impotent with all partners, other than Y. I can see this being the case because the expression お互い様 (otagaisama) can mean something like "the feeling is mutual" or it can also mean "we're in the same boat / experiencing the same thing". If you take the latter reading then it sounds like D is saying to Y that he too is unable to get it up for anyone else. This is just a guess though, it's not obvious that D means this at all.)

This flies right over Y's head. Y is still in panic mode and claims that D is despicable for using his duty to monitor Y as an opportunity to get off.

D doesn't miss a beat and asks Y if he disliked it, sliding his thigh between Y's legs. Y doesn't directly answer and starts weakly rambling about how he had been branded a slut by others and that D had said some cruel things too, barring his arm across D's chest in a half-effort to push him away.

Then there's an incredible close up of D's face as he asks, 酷いの好きでしたよね "You liked cruel things, didn't you?" His facial expression is serious and searching.

To me D is really saying, "You liked cruel things, so I did those things. Don't you see that I'm only trying to do what I think you want me to do?"

But Y doesn't understand what D is really saying, he's distracted by the opportunity that D has unwittingly given Y to say what Y really wants to say. With a face like he's given in, Y takes the chance and says, 好きだよ "I like (it/you)"

This incredibly lackluster phrase in English is like fireworks in Japanese. To Japanese readers this phrase, 好きだよ (sukidayo) or 好きです (sukidesu) in a situation like this is inextricably tied to 告白 (kokuhaku) or confession culture. In Japan, if you like someone there's usually a kind of formal confession of feelings before asking someone to go out with you. Of course, Y and D's situation isn't your typical romance - Y can't or won't allow himself to confess in a straightforward way, but D has created a perfect opportunity for Y to slip his confession into the conversation indirectly without dropping his mask completely.

(There's actually a long history of people in Japan very indirectly confessing their feelings for one another - one famous example is the phrase 月が綺麗ですね "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" which means "I love you" attributed the the writer Natsume Souseki. I feel like I saw a post about this recently, but I can't remember who made it.)

The true meaning of this phrase isn't lost on Doumeki. He appears surprised, almost in awe of what Y has just said. He's overcome by his emotions and kisses Y passionately, taking Y's face in his gloved hands.

There's a short break in the kiss where Y and D's eyes meet - to me it seems like D is silently asking if it's okay to continue, checking to see Y's reaction to this kiss. Y is clearly into it as his wraps his arms around D's shoulders. Y keeps his arms around D for the majority of this scene until they move to the bed.

This is completely different from any other sex scene since the time skip. It stands out particularly in comparison to ch 52 - in that sex scene Y's arms and hands are almost always pushing D away or grabbing the bed sheets in pain. In ch 56 Y is embracing D, at one point even wrapping one leg around him while they're standing up - by the time D finishes giving Y the blowjob against the wall Y is literally wrapped around him, telling D with his body not to go.

D comes up from sucking Y and wipes the cum from his mouth. The expression Y makes to this is absolutely priceless and one of my favorites of this chapter. He looks at D like, "Who the fuck is this guy wiping my cum from his mouth, looking at me like a confident bastard, I don't know him."

In this moment D is shameless. He's not at all embarrassed by what he and Y do together. I think in Yashiro's sexual experiences up until D, most if not all of his partners felt some degree of shame for wanting to have sex with Y. I think in the past Y has also felt ashamed of himself for wanting the things he wanted. Though he tells us readers that he likes himself the way he is, he very obviously struggles to accept himself as a gay man.

I think maybe this is the first time someone has ever shown Y that they aren't ashamed - this is what D wants to do, who D wants to do it with, and he's very unabashed about it. This is also a side of D that Y has never seen before - a sexual, confident, who knows what he wants (hey maybe @swallowerofdharma was right about the suggestion that Izumi is a therapist of sorts to D, because the man has some new moves lol)

This dazed look of awe on Y's face continues for 3 panels while D chucks Y on to the bed. D is silent as he undresses - there are no snide remarks about how lewd Y's body is or how quickly Y came from the blow job.

(There's a whole page of D licking Y's nipples and I'm convinced this is D trying to send a message like, "Hello, I also would like my nipples licked, thank you.")

I wish I could show the two pages of foreplay that ensue here, because the panel organization and framing are really well done, but alas I'm pretty sure the tumblr gods wouldn't like that.

After Y comes again from D's rim job, D dutifully puts Y in his mouth again to which Y weakly protests. Y then asks between breaths this question, "What kind of sex is this?"

Doumeki pauses and says 俺は節操がないのでただやりたいだけです。それ以外にありません。 "I'm not a man of principles so I just want to have sex. There's nothing more to it than that." I talked about the various meanings this phrase has in the translator notes for the chapter so I won't go into it too much- but basically D says he's not a moral guy, he's not a guy who cares about who he's doing it with, he just wants to have sex.

Y looks quite surprised by D's answer then his face melts into this inscrutable smile.

I translated the little sound he made (フ…) to "heh" like a little laugh, but it could also have been an exhale, like a sigh. This Mona Lisa mother fucker is not letting us in on what he's thinking here.

On the last page of ch 56 we see D at the top (making an "I want to do it really badly" face) and then two panels of D bending down over Y for another passionate kiss. In one of these panels Y is touching himself - which I think many fans noticed and took as a sign that Y feels comfortable enough with the situation to touch himself. We have seen him do so previously (I'm thinking specifically in the car in ch 21) but that time it seemed more an act born from desperation to satisfy a sexual itch rather than one coming from a place of comfort or trust.

The final line of ch 56 is Y saying いいなそれ "That's nice." I talked about the connotations of jealousy that this line has here if anyone's interested. I wasn't sure at first, but after reading ch 57, I think Y accepts what D says about not being a man of principles at face value and is simultaneously relieved and disappointed by that. (In the panel above Yoneda-Sensei chose to draw only his unseeing eye - maybe indicating that he doesn't see through D's words)

D seems to have said the right thing in the moment to keep Y from running away, but maybe this wasn't exactly what Y wanted to hear. I think throughout ch 56 Y still never grasps that D truly has feelings for him. Although D seems to have understood Y's indirect confession, Y didn't catch the indirect clues that D was laying down- Y is still blind and can't fully see the truth of how D feels or why D is acting the way he is. I also believe, based on how Y acts in ch 57, that Y doesn't understand how obvious his indirect confession was to D. I don't think Y gets that D got it (lol).

We continue to ch 57, and this cover:

こころと言葉がすれ違う "[His/the] words and [his/the] heart are at odds / are in conflict"

Again we have no pronouns in the Japanese on this title page so it's not totally clear who this phrase is about. I'm inclined to think it's primarily about Doumeki again because he's the one who seems to be saying things that conflict with how we as readers assume he feels. Although Yashiro is always saying contradictory things that go against how we know he feels so maybe this phrase is directed at both of them.

Their hands are ever so slightly touching, Y's face is turned away but his gaze is directed at D who is, as always, facing Y head on with a hard stare. Also I just want to point out this thing Yoneda-Sensei does with Doumeki's tie that I love. She often draws D's tie falling over Yashiro and it's one of the most tantalizing details to me. I mentioned above that D has invaded Y's space in multiple ways and I feel like his hanging tie is symbolic of this in a lot scenes of them after the timeskip.

The chapter continues where ch 56 left off - D is kissing Y deeply. Y is returning the kiss, but is becoming overwhelmed by D's passion. He tries to tell D that he's had enough kissing, but D doesn't listen. D holds down Y's wrists as Y tries to get D's name out breathlessly between kisses.

D pulls Y's hips up onto his lap and starts stroking their dicks together. Again we get another look at this super confident D who doesn't hesitate to do what he wants. This doesn't strike me as something the D from 4 years ago would think to do or have the courage to do. D is all about making sure Y is experiencing pleasure, but in this scene we also see D obviously getting off as well.

Y bluntly tells D to "Hurry up and put it in", but again D doesn't listen. He continues kissing Y's chest and stroking him. The background changes from flat white to a dark gradient. Yoneda-Sensei uses this to signal some growing tension building in Y. Y asks, "Aren't you going to be cruel?", D ignores him and continues to kiss Y's lower half.

This question from Y is what makes me believe that Y thinks his confession wasn't understood by D. When D asked if Y liked cruel things Y said he does (好きだよ). Y expects D to have taken that conversation at face value so he expects D to do cruel things to him. He doesn't think that D took it as a confession, even though Y meant it as such.

As D is kissing Y's thigh Y suddenly flashes back to their first time having sex 4 years ago and the gentleness with which D treated him. Y suddenly shoves D away. The background snaps back to flat white and we're ripped out of the intimacy of the situation with a long shot of the two of them on the bed, Y having scrambled away from D slightly, in panic.

Y looks confused by his own actions as he stares at D silently, breathing heavily.

D pauses for a moment, but then gets this cold look on his face.

This look to me means, "Ah, it's not going to be that easy, is it. He's still going to put up this wall. He's going to make me force him."

I think D has a lot of patience with Y, but it's not endless. Also I don't think D truly, fundamentally understands why Yashiro struggles so much with sex. He had a realization on the roof (extra at the end of volmue 6) when Nanahara explained that Y probably has a twisted view of sex, but I don't know that D really gets it.

I think D perceives Y's protestations as a kind of absurd "game". D is frustrated by this - he can see that Y really does want to have sex with him, so he can't understand the reason for the "act". D is also hurt by Y's seeming insensitivity to the way the "game" puts him in the role of a rapist, forcing Y to have sex with him. Considering D's past with his rapist father, and the hurtful things that Y said to him in ch 23 about D being like his own father I'm sure D is very sensitive to having to play this role.

D grabs Y's wrist, Y yells that D is being too persistent and just doesn't know when to quit. D sighs tiredly and says frankly, 吐きたいなら吐けばいい "If you want to throw up, then do it." D says this in plain Japanese, instead of his usual polite Japanese so it comes across as very blunt.

This line from D also shows the readers that D, too, was reminded of their first time together. In ch 24 Y says that he's going to throw up, to which D responds that even if Y throws up, he won't stop. D goes on to say that maybe he really is like his father. I think this parallel is there to let us know that D is still very worried and aware of being like his father.

Y's reaction to D's blunt statement is to freeze. To me it seems that he blanks out for a moment because in the next panel D is suddenly behind him about to put it in, the background is pitch black. The black background makes this panel incredibly ominous - D really is fulfilling his role in the "game".

D proceeds to fuck Y sideways, with a look on his face that still conveys a fair amount of frustration. Looking at Y's back, D's face softens as he pulls Y's wrist so he can see his face. This is another call back to ch 25 and an interesting contrast to ch 52, where D flipped Y around so he couldn't see his face half way through sex.

Their eyes meet and as D pulls Y's arm around D's neck they kiss again. This kiss to me looks like both their masks slipped a little. Both have deeply passionate expressions as they stare into each other's eyes. Y's hand is almost resting on D's neck - it seems to finally come in contact with the nape of his neck just out of frame as D maneuvers into missionary position over Y.

Y reaches up to touch D's face gently. D is casting a shadow over Y. This is another call back to ch 25.

Yoneda-Sensei uses shadows as away to communicate power imbalances throughout Saezuru so to me this shadow communicates Y's powerlessness in this situation, though he doesn't seem to mind it this time. In ch 57 his eyes have a soft look to them in contrast to the terror in his eyes in the panel from ch 25.

Y laughs lightly as he says that D is making a face like he wants to do it really badly. D takes Y's hand and tells Y that he's saying some nostalgic stuff, but Y seemingly has no idea what D is talking about.

D bends down to kiss Y, keeping his eyes open and observing Y. D says, "What about you? (Aren't you making a face like you want to do it really badly?)" Y denies it.

This exchange between them is so cute and feels for a moment like they've come to some equal footing, despite the fact that D is still using polite Japanese. It feels like a soft moment of cheekiness between two lovers.

D proceeds to fuck Y pretty intensely, but not in the angry way that he did in ch 52. It feels to me like the kind of intensity that Y is into, not so painful but also not delicate, like one would do "with a woman".

By the way, this position that they’re in, with Y's legs up in the air and D's hands the back of his knees/thighs, is the same position they were in the first time they had sex in ch 25 a few pages after D first puts it in. Also in ch 57 Y protests that D shouldn't look at him, just as in that part in ch 25.

Finally, Y wraps his arms and legs around D in another full body embrace, reminiscent of the crouched-over full body hug that Y gave D in ch 56 at the beginning of the sex scene when D was giving Y a blow job. This is again Y telling D through body language, "Don't go".

Some time passes and D is pulling on his gloves and putting on his jacket. The clothes, especially the gloves, represent a barrier between them. Whatever walls came down during sex are back up again.

As D stands to leave he says he'll come again. Y's snark is back to maximum levels as he sarcastically asks, "To have sex?"

D remains silent and simply gazes at Y with this expression:

I read this face similar to the frustrated tired face D made after Y shoved him away. Like, "Really, you're going to be a mean bitch again after what we just did?" I also think D is still very fearful about sharing any more than he has already because he thinks Y will run away. Y's reaction to D saying that he just wanted to have sex and that it was nothing more than that was positive on the surface so I think D took that as a sign not to make Y think any differently.

D leaves without saying another word. Y pulls out a cigarette (back to the addiction) and begins an inner monologue.

相変わらず俺は矛盾している As always, I'm full of contradictions

酷くされたと責めておきながら優しく扱われると途端逃げたくなる I blame [him] for being cruel, but the moment I'm treated gently I want to run away.

なのにどうしようもなく感じる In spite of all that, I can't help myself - I get into it

In the above line, the どうしようもなく感じる part is a little hard to translate into English. It literally means something like "no matter what, I feel [it]" or "feeling [it] can't be stopped". In this context 感じる is probably used to mean "feel aroused" but it could also mean to feel anything. The nuance isn't just sexual, but that's difficult to get across effectively in English.

Then we see a frame of D with Izumi-San, her hand resting on his arm and his arm seemingly around her. This is more info about their interaction than we had previously.

Yashiro's monologue continues:

人は変わる生き物 Humans are creatures of change

This line on this picture of D and Izumi together shows that Y still believes D to have changed from 4 years ago, that D moved on and is truly in love with Izumi.

Then we see this picture of Y from high school after realizing the terrible truth that he was in love with a man (Kageyama):

Y continues:

俺については何も変わらないようでまるで成長しない家畜だ But in my case, I'm just like unchanging livestock, completely incapable of growth.

Y is still stuck as that high school kid, realizing not only that he'd fallen in love with a man but a man who will never see him in the way he wants to be seen.

I put this in the translator notes, but calling a person 家畜 (livestock) has the connotation that that person can't do anything for themselves and they just sort of exist, meaninglessly. This reminded me of the things Y said during his inner monologue in ch 47 when Inami was having his way with Y.

俺はもう本当に本当にどうでもよくてどうにもならなくて痛いだけマシだとすら思ってた

I just really, Really didn't care anymore Nothing mattered I even thought pain was preferable [to feeling nothing].

The man is so deeply depressed he views himself as no better than a unthinking animal just being led through life until slaughter.

I think Yashiro is on a path to change, though he seems to be unaware of it. I think once Y can really see D's true feelings for him (hello contact lens case, where are you? 👀 Like, literally Y needs some vision correction over here) and realizes that his feelings are being requited and requited in an unashamed, honest way then he'll be able to move on from this view of himself as stagnant livestock.

It's pretty cliched to use romance to heal trauma but somehow Yoneda-Sensei manages to do it in such a way that doesn't come across as patronizing or overdone.

Anyway, thanks for walking through ch 56 and 57 with me in this really long post! If you made it to the end, here are some cookies *gives you a cookie shaped like D's cock*.

#saezuru #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #saezuru spoilers #saezuru ch 56 #saezuru ch 57 #yashiro #doumeki

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