safemountain-blog

[safemountain-blog]

I have to pee pretty bad but im gonna type stuff for a second. my heart is in a lot of places. i think im gonna get off my lease tomorrow and just use all my what would have been “rent money” to actually buy warm gear that will help me survive guide training. im fucking sending it. im trying to move and i think i can make it work. my belly is so full of rice and veggies. being single is awesome. it feels like some of my friends are stuck in life phases and i dont know what to make it of it. i fee l like everyone should want to travel and explore and grow like i do but i guess its pretty fucked up to think you’re the only one following the “right” path. some people like routine! the stability and reliance of if. i, on the other hand, loose my fucking marbles when im put in a calender. i cant fit in a box!!!! ahhh!!! i feel like im simultaneously in love with so many people and not in love with anyone at all and it is so great. im not having sex!! which is awesome! im just loving myself (he he ha ah is that  masturbation joke) will anyone ever read these posts??????hello??? are you out there? THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, two finals tomorrow but thats all good. sometimes i feel a little fucked over by life but i also think its all lessons, yanno? i like to be taught. i like when other people can teach me how to treat them and i also like when i can teach others hows to treat me. BOW DOWN BITZHES, haha no but really. yesterday someone in the rafting community died and i don’t know what to make of that. i’m trying not to use any names on here because who needs em.today, this morning, i drove to sugarloaf to return my uniform only to find i did not really have my uniform. i got there and was like “awh man” and then i drove home. i look at it like this though, i got two hours of JUST DRIVING AND THINKING, i basically paid for my own therapy session. today i also talked to a friend who was hurting. it hurt to see him hurt but he also seemed a little less hurt as we talked.  do you ever wonder who has HOLLOW SEX. idk man

[safemountain-blog]

don’t buy the veggie nugs, allie

Im in the snack bar (BEAVER LODGE) with my friend. i m drinking a tea and i thought about getting coffee but i didn’t because my hands were already shaking. I rode my longboard here and i fell off of it but no not really. I was coming down a hill and this  quiet boy rode beside me and i jumped off so i wouldn't fall. I leave things before they can break, or i used to do that, now i try to keep things room breaking. I thought about showering but i didn’t.  I need to clean out my car and pack up my room but i also need to write. “Okay no more talking” they said, but we talked anyways. Fleetwood foxes, fleetwood feet, _PAINT A MAN WITH A FIDDLE FOR  HEAD or transversely PAINT A MAN WITH A FIDDLE HEAD FOR A HEAD. transverse and come home, I look away when we talk because if i look at you my head thinks “wow, look at you”. He turned towards me. I’m working on processing. My eyes dart when we talk but that doesn’t mean im not listening. He turned the snow red as strawberries in the summer time but i didn’t make that line up. How long am i allowed to write? Am i allowed to write? Who is going to stop me. Who is going to socially isolate me now, baby? I smell bad but you know i’m nice. Im vulnerable and im calm about it. I can fall apart literally any second and still get back up. Epidermal skin cells can be so different- some people scar and some don’t. Yea i used to cut myself, sometimes I feel bad that you can’t see scars. My arms are tattooed because sometimes, everything hurts, and i say that in my head and every now and then i meet someone who says it out loud. EVERYTHING HURTS, and when they say that i remember to excuse any behaviors that  i don’t understand. I pay attention to words because i don’t always understand actions. I like having something to hold on to, so speak up and don’t worry about saying too much. I used to think that drugs were bad but we’re all just trying to cope. Life fucking hurts and it’s all part of the human experience but if you want to later we can smoke the bong. This bong is yours. Some people walk like they know what they’re doing and i’d love to just ask them “do you know what you’re doing?” I saw a group of older people holding signs that said “veterans want peace” but i didnt go up and talk to them. I didnt quite know how to.

[safemountain-blog]

Today I went for a walk in the woods. I came upon an older woman with two dogs. I’m not usually one to walk up and pet another human’s companion, but I told myself “Today’s the day. Send that affection.” One of the two stayed near the woman, so naturally, I went for that one. She was soft and smiling, and I finally looked up at the woman. “What’s their name?” That’s mimi, she’s the shy one of the two, she said, you should have brought a bag for all these ferns. Look at that man over there, the woman pointed, look how his jug of ferns is almost full. I’m from Virginia, she said, so I did the wrong thing for years. I went out into my yard and there were these ferns, see, they look like the right ones, but these will give you indigestion. She rubbed her belly as she said indigestion- how I love visual conversations. I smiled at her! And I’m from West Virginia. That shared moment of curiosity, what brought you up here? But neither of us asked, you have to ease into those sorts of things. Oh there’s this book about Likens, what’s it called? It’s by a friend of mine, is it Don Fitzgerald? No, that’s not it, but anyways, it’s about Likens. They tell you a lot about the environment you’re in (this is all her talking), like how clean your air is. See those Likens on the tree over there? There aren’t a lot of them. In Rangley, there are Likens, the air is so clean and has been for so long. But the air here, there’s that plant over there and another over there, Rumford. It’s acid in the air-as we talked we danced, her dogs on leashes wrapping around us-These Likens that are growing here, they’re very (I thought she was going to say ‘sensitive” but she said) susceptible. That meant a lot to me. The book is good because there are pictures of the Likens, I like that, I’m a visual person, so I Can see all these long words and names and I can't do anything with it. (I thought to myself “hey me too, I’m a visual person, isn’t this nice that we get to look at each other, this conversation will be nice because we can both look at each other”) “So you’re here!” she said, turning back to me,  What are you studying? She asked, and I told her rehab. What an interesting field! Do you know what area you’ll be going into? Well, not really, this class I took last semester was all about paperwork. Oh paperwork! That’s the worst part, no really, it’s terrible. They throw you that at the beginning, you just have to get through that. No, I told her, I like the paperwork. I like to learn new words because I feel like I run out of them. And anyways, I don’t know what I want to do. I told her I was trying to figure that part out, but it didn’t feel genuine when I said it. I’m trying to not try to figure that out, but I know what I like to do, and I like to be outside (I gestured to our surroundings). Ah yes, she said, I too like to be outside, but if you want to make money you have to be inside. Unless, you find something you can do outside? Yes! I said, that’s the thing… There are things that can be outside. For instance, you can be a person that meets with a group of, veterans, say, and you can meet with them and plan white water rafting trips and hikes, and you can have that therapeutic environment without being a “counselor” and they can all be around people that can actually talk to them about what they’re going through. We were both glowing with each other at this point. Ah! A friend of mine, they take these hikes, they take people who are elders and they take them in the woods.. And you know they must be very gentle with older people. She laughed softly. Ah yes, I said. That sounds just like it. We nodded. Well you must become a Maine guide for all that then? She asked. Yes! I put my hands on my chest, actually this summer I’ll start doing that. I’ll be a raft guide, and I’ll have a water license, and then someday I can take my WFR which is Wilderness First Responder. Ah, yes, those are important. And with that job, you can always pick your weather, perhaps you like this Maine weather, how did you like the winter? Well I skied, I said. Ah, it’s been a long journey transitioning for this old woman, she said. I didn’t say anything because I was thinking “yeah, it was hard, but here we are” She asked what brought me here, and that meant the moment had come- tell me about how you changed and tell me how it brought you here. My mother’s from Surry, it’s down east, on the coast? Do you know where Ellsworth is? No? Well, my mother’s from here, and she left my father and came home, and I came here with. She nodded and didn’t ask if that was hard. It was a long journey for this woman to get up here, she said. I went to school in Massachusetts, and then I lived in Massachusetts. I was always just drawn to the area though (she shook her head like she still didn’t quite understand it) At this point my heart hurt, because I looked at her face and saw the woods behind her and her dogs and I had forgotten about the fiddle head man and I thought “how will i ever explain this beauty to anyone and why don’t I have a camera”. I used to always come up on vacations though, she said. I came up here on geology trips, it was a cheap way to come to this beautiful place, I used to pay 20 dollars and they’d give you this book about rocks and they give you these maps that tell you to go this way (she pointed to the woods as if we were looking at a map) and then you find the rocks and you get to talk about the rocks with the people around you. And actually, it was one of those trips that brought me to this area. And I thought to myself “Well this is the most beautiful place in the entire world” and here I am. I smiled at her and my eyes water typing that. She told me to snowshoe and then to cross country ski. We didn’t talk about if either of us had partners. Her eyes were blue and so was her fleece, and I wondered is she smoked weed. There was a little hand made bracelet hanging from the zipper on her fleece, but I only looked at it for a second. We looked back at the fiddle head man, and she said, once more “I did it wrong for years”. She meant the ferns but i thought “it’s okay, i did too” and I didn’t mean the ferns. She turned to walk away and i remembered that that social clue means the interaction is over. I walked down the trail towards the river, and i thought about Likens.