safespacelasts-blog

[safespacelasts-blog]

You’re Not The Only One

It’s not what you think.

It’s not what you think.It’s funny how fast things could change. It's been a month and half but like Taylor Swift, I still remember it All Too Well. Our relationship is nothing but a memory now and I still cannot say if it’s good or bad. Do you know why it went wrong? It’s because both of us made mistakes but you're not willing to admit yours nor forgive me.

For you, every single thing must be terrible. You let somebody in your world. Tell every dark thought, deep problem, and secrets you have. You trusted me and I failed you.

For me, as the “guilty” one, things are more terrible. I trusted you, too. I gave you consent to make me feel everything you wanted me to. I became too raw. I told you secrets I have never told anyone and showed you the other side of me no one has seen. I will not fail to believe that I was the right person for you, but you fell in love with the wrong me.

You fell in love with the image, not the personality and the person behind it. You wanted the shell and not the pearl inside. You fell in love with the idea that you are loving a perfect person while I fell in love with the idea that you are in love with me, the raw me. We willingly chose to believe in lies. You believed her identity and I believed in your promises.

You are selfish. You only think about yourself. You only  want what’s convenient and best for yourself. You could still go ahead and still call me more “selfish” for keeping everything and deceiving you, though. I will let you, but know that I'm done putting all the blame on myself after all this time.

I did not choose to stay in love with you for myself. It’s solely for you because I know you needed me. If it were up to me, hell, I wouldn’t even think of staying with someone as toxic as you are. It wasn’t a love-at-first-sight thing, I just let myself learn how to love you because it’s you who wanted to love me. You weren’t even at your best when we found each other yet I stayed, and loved you unconditionally.

We never went on a fancy restaurant date, never drove out of town, never travelled together, never did most of our plans but I still think I was the happiest when I was with you during our koalaty time. Our spontaneous movie dates, food trips, museum visits, shoe shopping, Netflix nights were some of the best nights of my life. I was contented with you singing me your new compositions, letting me koala hug, us dancing in the dark to a playlist you curated or just laying in bed laughing because you like to contain me. I would even cry to your long messages because I thought you mean them. You did not (have to) spend a dime on me yet I was crazy in love with you.

I loved you when you were no one but a struggling artist wanting to go back to the limelight where you once was. I was your extra hand when you need to prepare for your presentations, carry your extra stuff, get you snacks, and take good pictures for a sponsored post. I was your unlimited alcohol supplier. I was your unlimited hugot and meme bank. I was there to listen and comfort you through your panic attacks and lowest points. I weathered your storms with you. I taught you how to stand up and save yourself. I supported and cheered for you during your band gigs even without your knowledge. I refused to leave even when all you do is push me away because I know all you need is someone who would believe in you, and someone who would finally stay. I stayed through your worst and still thought you were the best. If this isn't love, tell me what this is?

Do you know why I’m hurting as bad as you are? It’s because I always gave you (my) everything. I would willingly compromise. It's always you before me. I know I was never prioritized but I made you my top priority. I would always go the extra, extra mile for you, even if we were not okay. You don’t apologize for most of the things you do yet I always forgave you. You’re out with someone else on our monthsary, it’s fine. You don’t want to see me on my birthday, it’s fine. You don’t have a birthday gift, Christmas gift, Valentine gift, anniversary gift, it’s fine. Oh, wait. How are you going to get me an anniversary gift when you totally forgot about it? You yelled at me and even threatened me that you’ll ask me to get out of your car, it’s fine. You ruined the night because we need to pay extra parking fees (that I eventually paid), it’s fine. No matter how many times you’d crossed the line and get a red flag, I will always be the one to apologize and forgive you without hesitations. I loved you unconditionally and you still had the audacity to say “ako yung nalugi dito" in my face. 

Do you know how painful it is to hear those words from you? From the person I would do anything and everything for? From the person I would sacrifice being unhappy just to make sure he’s the happiest? You threw everything away because I made one mistake. Just one mistake. This has been our biggest issue and now that we’ve found the answer, the solution, you chose to leave me and run away. Tell me who's the selfish one now?

I should have listened to your songs better for they did not exist to woo me, but to warn me. I guess I’m just really the type of person who would always look at someone’s good side over the bad. I’m someone who would weigh it fair and just, that you told me you cannot do because it would just take so much of your time. 

I strongly believed in you, in us because you told me that “if they can, we can.” Wholeheartedly. I believed you when you told me you love me even without most of the things I gave and offered you. I believed you when you said you would love me and stay despite my flaws, mistakes, and screw-ups. I believed in every message you sent. I believed you loved the person you hug in the dark. I believed you when you told me that if you need to have a fist fight with destiny just to keep me, you would. I accepted all of you, that’s why I believed you would accept me, too. I believed that you meant and would keep your promises (like I do) but you broke all of them and it shattered my heart into pieces I won't be able to put back together again.

Do not act as if you are clean because you’re not. I am guilty, but you are, too. You are not the only victim here. We both believed in each other’s lies. Yes, tang ina, my lies are incomparably bigger but I swallowed my pride and was willing to make up for it. I did not run away to hide, I faced you and asked for a chance. I was willing to build everything from scratch even if I don’t know how. Who else would fucking do that? Well, not you, obviously.  You did not love me the way I loved you because if you did, you will choose me and stay. You will choose to understand because love is supposed to be forgiving. You will choose to fight for us because you know that we are worth it.

You said that our whole break-up situation sucks because we had such a fun relationship. You know what sucks more? The fact that we could fix it and make it better but you chose to give up on it, on me. I hate every molecule of you I used to adore because you left me. I wish I was bigger than your pride, so you could have held me instead. You’re weak. You crushed all our hopes and dreams for us. Maybe the person who once made us feel most alive and whole also has to be the one to break us and make us feel dead inside out in the end. It's a painful irony we could have defied but we won't be able to because the damage has been done. Don’t worry, because unlike you, I know how to keep my promises. I hope you’re happy.

[safespacelasts-blog]

Heart Report

Now, this is corny.

It’s been more than a month since I last posted in this blog. I had to get away. I don’t think I still could keep romanticizing everything that happened. I just needed to accept it did happen.

Am I over him? Not yet. Am I sure? Yes, I am. I’m not one to fake my feelings. I also hate sugarcoated bullshit, so that’s my real answer. There are days when I think about how things could work out. There are also days when I think it’s for the better. It’s more of the latter than the former, though.

I’m still in pain. I see the name everywhere. I hear the music. I can’t even eat Potato Corner fries because of this. Those were not bad memories, but I cannot keep on thinking of the good ones if I want to get over it, right?

My heart is not yet okay, but it will be. I am sure. Let me feel this pain a little longer.

[safespacelasts-blog]

H

Let me tell you how he played a major role in our story.

He was an old flame. I met him while doing my internship, when I was at my least attractive and oiliest form. He is a model with a deadly six-pack (that I never fancied) and I was asked to entertain him. If you’ve been reading my past posts, you’d know by now that I’m an awkward person and won’t say a thing to you if I don’t know you. Being asked to do something like that really makes me anxious but he did not make my job hard. 

He is talkative and too accommodating. I actually preferred that he’s the one who kept on asking me questions because I wouldn’t know what to ask him. Hearing about his past experiences made me realize that he’s actually an interesting person. After work, he asked for my number so he could ask me for updates regarding the feature. Since it’s for work, I gave it.

A day after I found my phone ringing but I did not bother answering it since the number is not registered. A few minutes after, I received a text from the number. It was H, asking if I’m busy. I did not reply and waited until I reached my office desk. It’s when everything started. He just kept on messaging me and I kept on answering.

Having someone to talk to that time made me sin less because I didn’t need to use Tinder anymore. I didn’t realize everything’s going too deep until I noticed that he just keeps on updating me about his daily life, like, he just woke up, he got a modeling gig somewhere, he’s off to the gym, he’s seeing his friends in the evening, etc. He would even message me or snap videos for me while he’s in between those things. I knew it was getting more real when he started asking me if we could hang out.

At that point, I asked myself the only logical thing: “How the f*ck did I manage to get a model to fall for me?” Everything that is happening only exists in dreams or in YA books. My friends would tell me how I’m always so good at this, but I’m really not proud of it. Same as I am not proud that the guys who used to court me ended up being in relationship with my bestfriends. Yes, there were three guys who (mistakenly) fell for me, but because of my personal issues, I would end up pushing them away or to other people (aka my bestfriends). Anyway, that’s another story.

Going back to H, I didn’t want us to have a label (yet) because I have doubts about the relationship. Will it work? I doubt. Will he always stay like that? I doubt. I’m fine with us just staying like that, as friends who understand each other. Everything’s going well until late October when he told me that he won’t be able to talk to me for a while because he’s going somewhere not really gadget-friendly. I thought he was just going to a retreat somewhere out of town, so I said it’s fine with me and that I wish him luck. 

The next day, I found this message from him:

“Hey, I’m here already. Time to surrender my gadgets! Take care of yourself! Hope to see you when I get back! Get well soon! Do well in school and please stay alive? We still have a pancit canton & Netflix date! Piggy.”

A few days after, I discovered he’s inside the PBB house. I was dumbfounded. I don’t know what to feel because that’s freaking PBB and I will freaking see everything he would do. I started thinking of his future loveteams and started being real with myself that things would be super different once he’s out. 

If I didn’t want to date him out before, now there’s really no chance I’d do it because that’s basically suicide. Yes, I know that some girls would see it the other way around, but I’m not that kind of girl. I dislike fame. I like having a low-key life. I can’t see myself trading popularity over a peaceful life, so I decided to just move on and focus on doing things I do best.

A few months later, my friends informed me that he got evicted. I got a text from him, too, telling me about the eviction and that he missed me. My heart sank when I read his text, but unlike him, I willed myself to not give in to my emotions.

I tried, okay? I tried to be kilig for him again, but I just can’t. It’s just that I have to be realistic. Now that he is thrice as famous as he is before, why would he settle for someone like me? I’m no one. I know the time will come when he’ll see me as someone not good enough for him. I want to skip that part where my heart would break and my self-esteem would deteriorate even more. I don’t have the heart to tell him that and reject him because there was never a time he made me feel rejected.

Since I’m avoiding him at all costs, I needed someone I can rant to again. I went back to my fake Tinder. FYI, I was not looking for a rebound since I’m not really interested in relationships. I just really need someone who’d listen or someone with personal problems that I could help since I really got that knack for giving advice to people who isn’t me. That’s when I met him, the guy who’d change my life.

Months have passed, but everything I did was not enough to make H stop. I just let him be. Whenever we see each other at work, he would ask me if we could hangout. My workmate would even interfere and tell him that I’m not available. I made that clear to him, too, but he just shrugged it off and told me that he’ll just always be there for me, that he’s only one message away.

H became an important part of the equation because he helped us to get closer. I’d be lying if I say I was never tempted by him, especially during the first few months of being taken. He helped in making our relationship stronger because I learned to be more open to my guy (with the help of Safe Space, too). I became honest to him about H. I told him about our history and whenever he would text me or call me. He gets annoyed but he prefers that I tell him until we reached the point where we just laugh it off.

So there, end of story.

Key takeaway: Never cheat. If things like this happens to you, do not keep it. Do not be afraid about him getting paranoid or mad. Guys need security, too, and he has to know that you always got his back. It helps that you open up to him. Trust me, it’ll help you get stronger.

[safespacelasts-blog]

Tinder

I did not actually swipe right for the person, but for the dog he is with in one of his pictures.

I’ve heard lots of Tinder stories from college friends, but never risked on using it because of my issues in life. Aside from the facts that I’m not looking for a boyfriend and that you rarely hear success stories about it.

Late July 2016 came and who found herself on Tinder? Me! Like any other unnormal person, I have two Facebook accounts – one for my family and one for friends/work/fangirling (aka things I keep from family). I used the former to get on Tinder, so I could have less mutual friends when I use it. Back then, my photos were all half-faced (thanks to my insecurities in life) and that’s maybe why I was able to match with some decent people.

I saw loads of people I know on Tinder. As much as I would like to judge them, I won’t because I’m also on the platform and it’s wiser to think that we have different reasons as to why we use it. To clarify, I’m still not looking for a boyfriend since I was really busy – I am a graduating student with thesis, OJT hours to acquire, and an organization to run (I was President). I made a Tinder account to be able to express myself and talk to someone who could offer me a different perspective on things without being judged.

It’s hard to look like a tough cookie. There are times when I just want to break down inside our classroom or during org meetings, so I could just quit on everything but I can’t. One could argue that I could just talk to my bestfriends, classmates, and orgmates. Though that idea would be nice, my bestfriends are studying in different universities, my classmates hate me for being an org person, and my orgmates are busy studying in a different building (which is at least 3 kilometers away from me). I was too alone and misunderstood, Tinder was the only choice left.

Being an average person on Tinder doesn’t seem so bad because guys wouldn’t hit on you, they’ll be polite. However, that also means that no one would want to initiate the conversation or prolong it. Conversations would normally just end up with replies such as “nice!”, “that’s cool!”, and “oh, alright!” I eventually got bored after a month and that led me to experiment: “What if I’m not an average girl? How will guys talk to me?”

I hurriedly went to Instagram to look for a girl that’s not too extra, but not too average. I successfully found one and made her the face of my new Tinder account. I edited the description and added “I don’t answer general questions.” A few swipes after, I had “super likes” and too many matches. I was overwhelmed.

Tang ina, bakit ang unfair ng mundo? Bakit ang bait ng mundo sa magaganda? Bakit mas may pake sila sa mukha kaysa substance?

It would surprise me how guys would constantly hit on me with weird questions. Questions that are too deep for me, but I like to answer. Some conversations got so long, the guys would want to take me out but I will always refuse. After all, this is just my experiment and I just want someone to talk to.

Besides, I was already “sort of into something mutual” with this guy (let’s call him H”), I met during my internship. Meeting H made me stop using Tinder. However, a few months into our relationship, he needed to go and we lost contact.

Until one night, I received a text from my friends that he’s back. I would be lying if I say that I didn’t expect a message from him. He did not fail me. The only problem is it doesn’t feel the same anymore. He’s there but always occupied and it just frustrated me, so I lied low from him. (I’ll make the next entry about him since he played a major role in our story.)

I opened the Tinder app, again, just so I can vent out to some unlucky guy. I needed the distraction. As expected, a few swipes after, I found someone I could talk to. I did not vent out because the guy did it first. It was actually fun to just help people in solving their own problems. Why is that always easier?

I was about to exit the app when I received a new message from another guy asking me about my work: “Do you travel so you can write, or do you write so you can travel?” I did not answer his question right away, but went to check his profile. 

Ang kapal ko ‘di ba? Akala mo ang ganda.

I had to check because I remember having second thoughts if I should swipe left or right when I saw his profile. He’s not my type. I did not actually swipe right for the person, but for the dog he is with in one of his pictures. I’m not a super fan of dogs, but I love dog pictures. It’s weird, right? A few minutes after deciding if I should bother replying or no, I answered him. 

The conversation just flowed from there until he started asking me to move our conversation to another platform. As usual, I was hesitant about it because as much as possible, I don’t want to lie. I don’t know what happened to me, but I gave in to his request. Little did I know, that it’ll be the beginning of something really special.

[safespacelasts-blog]

Insecurities

“I’m just a bestfriend material.”

As a kid who once swore to herself that she will avoid all kinds of embarrassment in life, I could say that I’ve come too far. I used to be a shy kid until I entered elementary. However, as much as I would like to be confident in my own skin, I started seeing myself as below average in high school.

As a transferee from a Catholic school, my classmates would all look up to me and say I only have high grades because I paid for it. The thought disappointed me so much.  I know how I worked my ass off to get high grades all the time (because my only goal in life is to hear my parents say they’re proud of me).

I got bullied. It’s not new to me since I experienced the same in grade school and fought all of them. I chose silence in high school. I chose to hear everything they have to say about me. It affected my confidence and made me really insecure about everything. I would overthink every little thing I do and would become anxious whenever I make decisions. I also started this habit of walking fast while covering my face with a handkerchief because I feel like everyone’s judging me from afar.  (It’s why I can’t live without my hankies.)

During my Sophomore year, I found my elementary bestfriend in the same school. We used to be tomboys but puberty did hit her right. I would watch her spend so much time pulling herself together – putting make-up on, shopping for clothes and shoes, going to spas – while I’m there… just waiting for her to finish. I thought I will start gaining my confidence again when I started hanging out with her, but I did not. It left me wondering when will puberty hit me? Am I supposed to be this short and unattractive forever?

Since then, I accepted two things: I’m just a bestfriend material and that I can only be the smart one (never the pretty one).  I thought accepting these things would do me good, but (again) it did not.  It just made me feel so much worse. Aside from my low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, I started embracing my old fears back – my fear of rejections and making mistakes.

I was taught to pick my battles, but this one has always been a battle I can’t win. I still don’t like me.

[safespacelasts-blog]

Safe Space

A world where we can tell each other anything – without holding back, without the fear of being rejected and judged.

Relationships are supposed to be built with the following foundations: trust, love, respect. We have all those for each other. I came up with the Safe Space, too, and it made everything seem easier and possible.

Yes, they were times when it would test my patience. Every close friend of mine knows how impatient I am, how my pride is more important than anything, how saying “sorry” would be the least of my priorities. The Safe Space taught me the importance of patience, understanding, and lowering your pride. Our relationship taught me how to be a better person.

I wanted a Safe Space to exist because I don’t plan on keeping my secrets forever. That was the original plan – get the courage, wait for the perfect time, tell him everything. I don’t want to be unfair. I want to shed light.

Early in our relationship, a few weeks into it, we found ourselves in an almost breaking up state at 3am. It went to this conversation:

Me: Idk where this is heading. If we still got tomorrow to start fresh or we are ending something.

Him: Uhh. Umm.

Me: I don’t think a sleep can fix this. But if you want to, I’m not stopping you.

Him: There’s no starting fresh, that’s not an option available to us.

Me: Okay. Then we can either continue or end things.

Him: It’s either we continue, knowing what we do (and not knowing what I do not) or we just stop.

Me: I don’t think I got a right to choose.

Him: You actually do.

Me: No. It’s yours – if you could wait or not.

Him: I don’t see this as waiting or not kasi eh.

Me: That’s the only way I could put down my walls, through time. And please know that it’s hard for me, too.

Him: It’s like I have to wait before I become “worthy”. Which I am not, at present.

Me: Even if I want this to continue but I can’t give you want you want/need... I don’t want you to suffer. Why have you been labelling yourself unworthy?

Him: I’m foreseeing the future X hours from now. I will hate myself for knowing that I can’t talk to you because we had ended things and I will hate myself talking to you while knowing that I don’t really know who you are.

Me: I don’t want to end things. I just don’t want it to hurt you in the long run. I don’t want to be selfish.

Him: Between those two situations, one of them has a glimmer of hope, that things will get better.

Me: I’ll try to be okay with whatever you choose.

Him: I’m gonna hate myself sooo much more if I find myself unable to talk to you for, like, ever. I’ll take a leap of faith and choose you.

Me: I hate you.

Him: I hate myself, too, sometimes.

Me: I don’t deserve this. I don’t have any words left to say. I thought I’m gonna lose you at this hour.

Him: You hate quitters, remember?

Me: I hate you. I’m sorry I keep on disappointing you.

Him: We’ve gotten by, by trying to understand each other, right? For not, it’s one of the few things sustaining this.

Me: I think I could get through this day day knowing that. Thank you for being really, really understanding.

Him: I’m a softy, that much is clear. It’s on both of us if we wanna make this work, right?

That’s how it went. If only he could go back to this conversation before, he would have a different perspective. He would understand and know I really tried. I just wish the same things happened for us this time. 

I wish he could still accept me now that he knows who I really am, but he couldn’t. I wish I could honestly say that I’ll be okay with whatever he choose because right now... I couldn’t.

[safespacelasts-blog]

The Last Supper

“So what are we?”

“Are we okay?” I asked.

I know that we are not, but I had to ask him. I wanted to close the gap between us because it fries my overthinking brain. Little did I know, the question would take it to a higher level.

He did not answer my question, but he asked me. 

“If I say we’re okay, are we really okay?”

“If we go back to normal, are we really going back to normal?”

It’s not my first time to read those questions but it still alarmed me. Why? Because after months of peace, this is the least thing I would expect to read.

A few minutes later, we found ourselves swimming in questions, anger, doubts, regrets, and maybe tears. I did not cry for sure. I was calm. It felt like a huge load had been lifted off my back. I could finally be myself again.

However, it was the opposite for him. After 16 months of dating, he still doesn’t know who am I. For 16 months, I managed to deny my identity. For 16 months, I manipulated everything. I totally understand where he is coming from.

I owned my mistake. I don’t want to run from it. After he calmed down, I asked him out for dinner. I was crazy to do that I know.

“No masks? Literally and figuratively?” he asked.

“Okay,” I replied.

The next day, I woke up with cold hands and feet. I was nervous. I had two schedules for work that day and all I could think of was dinner. Instead of being nervous because I terribly wanted to close a deal and have contracts signed, I know all I wanted that time was to set things straight between us.

On my way to the restaurant, my hearts keeps on beating loudly. It’s the restaurant that he have always wanted us to try. There wasn’t a movie night when he’d fail to tease me about having dinner there. It’s just sad to think that it might be our last.

I tried to maintain my poise as I descend from the escalators. As soon as my foot touched the floor, I walked slowly to the facade of the restaurant wearing my heart on my sleeves.

Tang ina, hindi ko pala kaya.

Napaakyat ulit ako ng escalator. That’s when I got his message that he already got us a seat by the couch area. I knew then that I should face this. I have faced all my fears, what’s my excuse now?

As I hurriedly walked into the restaurant, totally ignoring my heart beating incredibly fast, I saw his back. My expectations were really low. I expected us to be really mad at each other, but it was the opposite of everything I’ve imagined.

As I sat across him, I saw how his eyes twinkled, how authentic his smile is. Maybe he was surprised I was able to do it –  no caps, no masks. I greeted him and introduced myself before our brief handshake. My heart rate started going back to normal, back to its calm state.

It felt like a normal date night to me, minus the movie. Like always, we spent so much time picking what to eat. There wasn’t any awkwardness in the atmosphere. We joked around, traded stories, and I let him ask me all the questions on his mind. I wanted to give him clarity because he deserves that.

It was all smooth, I thought we could back to normal. That he just needs time to process everything in his mind, but he’ll give me another chance. Everything seemed positive until he asked...

“So what are we?”

[safespacelasts-blog]

The 16th: Our Last

“We’re okay, he just needs time alone with his friends. That’s how it has always been,” I assured my friend who asked me about us.

That was a lie, I’m not sure if we were okay. We went out two consecutive nights and everything was just light until Friday, May 25. We did not talk too much, it’s weird. I let it pass, thinking he was just preparing his stuff for their Batangas trip.

It sucked and I felt really guilty for having stomach problems that time. I was supposed to go with him, but my tummy won’t really be able to take it. I will just be alagain and that’ll only make him worry. He told me it was okay and I should just rest, so I did.

The next day, we still didn’t talk much. Judging from past experience, he wouldn’t use his phone too much when he is with friends, so I let it pass again. I think I was able to ask him if he wants me to not talk to him too much during his Batangas trip out of worrying, so he told me that it was fine, but not too often.

My tummy started feeling a lot better on Sunday, but things between us aren’t. I knew something’s up. I’m not good in not feeling things because I am super sensitive, I can’t take it! I had to stomach everything. I was partly mad that Sunday night because even if he was talking to me, it seems like he’s not really present. I could feel his coldness.

I want to be mad because I am so clueless about what is happening, but I stopped myself because it was our 16th month the next day, also his mom’s birthday. I didn’t want to stress him, so instead of lashing out, I sent him a cheesy message that he put on read the entire day. He wouldn’t answer my calls, too. I was starting to feel anxious and worried about him.

I thought we would be fine the next day, but there are still no replies from him. I knew something is happening and it’s starting to kill me, so I would send him a message or call him every hour. A few hours passed, then I found a reply from him telling me he was just busy with work and that he wants to be productive that’s why he hasn’t been messaging me. He did greet me, though.

“Happy 16th, bb!”

[safespacelasts-blog]

I promised to never give up on you. I'm still fulfilling it.