sajasmom

[sajasmom]

I wonder….does anyone read this anymore? Do people still tumblr?

I’m glad I still have this blog. It’s fun to look back on such an interesting time in my life. Now is interesting too. We finally moved to SoCal and I’m loving this summer all year round thing.

[sajasmom]

“Your baby looks Asian.”

- Random woman walking by me while I’m holding my son in a Starbucks.

Guess my genes aren’t as strong as I thought.

[sajasmom]

Good luck with your baby. We’ll pray for your family.

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[sajasmom]

Baby boy’s still doing good. I was extremely nervous for the anatomy scan but he’s doing amazing. He’s so good at growing he’s already in the 97th percentile! 😳 We also just bought a townhouse which is currently being built. The move in date is my projected due date, both of which are subject to change. This is going to be one crazy, awesome summer. My luck has seemed to have taken a turn for the better. ❤️

[sajasmom]

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster for sure, mostly in my mind of course, as things have been going very well so far. I won’t lie and say I’m not still nervous, but I’ve had three ultrasounds and done every test my doctor can possibly suggest (NIPT, Carrier Screen, NT scan) just to make sure nothing is wrong. All results have been normal so far, minus the fact I did find out I’m a carrier for some random disease I’ve never heard of! Luckily Minsik is not so no worries there.

Now that I don’t have a doctors appointment every two weeks I have to wait a month in between appointments which seems like an eternity! But there’s no way I’m buying a fetal doppler. I can only imagine what that would do to me if I had trouble finding a heartbeat. Not to mention I’m trying to train myself to just keep the faith and trust that everything will be fine.

[sajasmom]

Surprise!

Baby boy due July 2018. I still can’t believe it.

❤️

[sajasmom]

Hang in there. You'll get through it. Your young and you'll have a healthy baby soon enough.

Thank you. This couldn’t have come at a better time. It helps so much to be reminded to stay positive. ❤️

[sajasmom]

Sadness, Loss, Depression, Anxiety, Fear

I had a miscarriage. I can't even believe I'm writing this now. Even though you know it happens, I don't know how you could ever prepare yourself for when it actually happens to you. Right now I'm incredibly sad and absolutely terrified of what my future holds. I miss my baby that never really existed anywhere except in my heart and mind. I'm scared this will happen to me again. I'm scared I'll never have a baby at all.

I had such a naïve view of miscarriage before. I thought it was sad, but if it's early you get over it. I didn't know your whole future will come crashing down around you. I didn't know how time seems to slow down and speed up at the same time. I feel like I will never get past this, and I feel like I'm losing precious time. All I want is to have a baby to fix this, but the thought of getting pregnant again is……difficult. I don't want to become the type of person who obsesses over having a baby, but it's already consuming my life. All because one tiny ball of cells refused to form and grow.

I've never felt more alone in my life. Miscarriage is common, but no one talks about it. I feel like everyone around me is happy, having babies with the comfort of knowing they are "normal". Every test, every scan, every ultrasound showing exactly the right thing. I need to talk about it. I need to know I'm not alone. I need to hear the success stories of people like me. If I'm being completely honest, there are some stories that scare me. You hear about couples who had several miscarriages in a row and go on to have a healthy child eventually. I can't hear those stories right now when my biggest fear is this will happen to me the next time. I can't have this consume my life for years and years. I can accept it as a one time, random occurrence. If this is my life moving forward, how will I survive?

It could have been so much worse, I know this. We could have been trying to have a baby for years. The pregnancy could have ended much later than it did. I got pregnant after one time. One night when we decided to let fate take over from that point on. I didn't even think I would get pregnant that day since it was late in my cycle. I should have already ovulated. But I guess the timing was perfect.

  It never felt real to me. I kept it close to me, telling myself we could let others know once it was confirmed with the doctor. The first pregnancy test I took should have been positive, but it wasn't. The second one I took four days later was barely positive. Looking back, this was probably an early indicator something was not right. But no matter what, you still deep in your heart believe that in 8-9 months your life will change completely. And as a woman, your life changes from the very second you get the positive test. From that moment on, you're taking care of your baby, watching every little thing that goes into your body.

  The first ultrasound was the day after my birthday. I'm so thankful my birthday was my last truly happy day. But I'm also sad and angry I didn't get my birthday wish, which was that the baby growing inside me was ok and healthy. I just want to scream at how unfair it is! When we saw the embryo, it was small. Too small. Dates didn't add up. There was a heartbeat, but it was low and now I know that it could have just been my own. I honestly don't know if it was still developing at that time or not. The doctor told us it wasn't looking good, but the only thing we could do was come back in two weeks.

  Twelve days later I got my answer. The next ultrasound showed nothing. It was gone. It stopped developing, most likely between 6-7 weeks and my body reabsorbed it. How cruel and kind at the same time.

  It's called a missed miscarriage when your body doesn't recognize the pregnancy is over. It's the worst kind of limbo when you're pregnant but you're not. At this point, you have three options: wait (which could take weeks), take pills to force a miscarriage, or have a D&C which is a surgical procedure to remove the pregnancy from your uterus. After waiting a few days, I decided to take the pills. It took all my strength not to cry when filling that prescription. I knew it was gone but why did I have to finish it off myself? I took the pills and waited……….nothing happened.

  I won't dive too deep into the agony I felt those few days after my failed attempt to force my body to complete the process. I couldn't, and still can't, stop feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Why was I having such bad luck over and over again? When could I catch a break??

  A trip to the doctor confirmed what I already knew. The miscarriage was not complete. At this point I was almost hysterical…..if everything was going wrong, certainly the D&C would leave me horribly scarred and infertile. Even though the chances of it working were low, the doctor prescribed me one more round of pills to try. I waited a few more days, hoping my body would naturally pass the pregnancy, but after a few days I caved and took the pills again. Four hours later I started heavily bleeding, and didn't stop for the next nine (this is not normal). Somewhere in the middle of the bleeding, the contractions started. I've never been in so much pain in my life. If I'm lucky enough to give birth someday, I will not be doing it naturally! After seven hours of intense pain and heavy bleeding, dizzy from the blood loss, I made my husband take me to the ER.

  In the end, it turned out I couldn't avoid the D&C anyway. Even after all the bleeding, the miscarriage was still incomplete as I had "products of pregnancy" still high up in my uterus. If I didn't have the surgical procedure to remove it, I would be at risk of more bleeding. I was disappointed, but at this point every terrible scenario had already run through my head (I had cancer, I was hemorrhaging, they were going to remove my uterus, etc.) that the D&C no longer was the scariest thing I would face. It turned out to be a quick, simple procedure, and luckily I was asleep the entire time. After waking up from the procedure, the first thing I felt was relief. Could I finally dare to hope I was normal again? Would my body finally be able to move forward?

  That was only four days ago. Everything seems to be fine, but I don't know for sure yet. Risks of the procedure are extremely low, but I still feel like the unluckiest person sometimes. Even just today I made a midnight run to the pharmacy to pick up a thermometer because I was convinced I had a fever, which is a sign of infection. Luckily I don't. I just need this all to be over. I need to be able to move on.

  I'm still grieving. It gets a little easier each day, but occasionally I'll be overwhelmed by my grief and find myself deep in a hole that seems impossible to climb out of. Just today I got so sad thinking about how happy and perfect my life would have been if everything worked out. I'm grieving the loss of the baby I thought I had, and the past, present, and future that would have been. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I know I will get through it, but I'm scared of how this experience has changed me. Once we decide to try again, is it going to consume my life? Will I ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy? If I do have a baby someday, will I ever be able to stop worrying about it?

  My anxiety is out of control. I wish I could stay calm and logical about the situation and the future. Talking about it helps. Writing about it helps. I don't want to stay silent about this because the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. I wish more people in my life had shared their experiences with pregnancy loss. Their stories give me hope. I hope I'm brave enough later to be able to share my story with more friends and family.

  I hope for a lot of things these days, but most of all I hope one day I will be happy again.

[sajasmom]

Saja's still as cute as ever, too. 😻

[sajasmom]

We're still alive and adventuring! ❤️❤️

[sajasmom]

#throwback working hard in the gardens of Korea ㅋㅋㅋㅋ #시댁 #며느리라이프

[sajasmom]

We are so over downtown living. Scoping out potential neighborhoods....I still work downtown though so 😖 Wow when did I get old?

[sajasmom]

how old are you guys? you look like 25?

Hehe....def older than 25!! 😉When we got married I was 25 and Minsik was 24.

[sajasmom]

My #1 fan 😻 #saja #sajasmom

[sajasmom]

I looked better yesterday than I did on my wedding day.... 헐. 😑

[sajasmom]

And it was a lot of makeup 💋

[sajasmom]

Wow your skin looks luminous!

Thanks! However I can't really take much credit, since I got my makeup done. ☺️